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From Carlisle
,Indiana
U.S.A.
Welcome to The Funnies
"Friends
are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended
for younger readers - PG
Welcome New
Subscribers
Anyone without a sense
of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us.
Heaven Help
Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it
is to get wiser
WEDNESDAY MAY 10,2006
THOUGHT FOR TODAY:
When the
Lord said, "Go forth, be f
ruitful and multiply!" He didn't necessarily have
Math teachers in mind.
An
exhausted looking blonde dragged himself in to the doctor's office.
"Doctor,
there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I
can't get a wink of sleep."
"I have good news for you," the doctor answered,
rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new
sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be
over."
"Great," the blonde answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a
shot."
A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever.
"Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"
"I don't
understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head.
"Those are
the strongest pills on the market!"
"That may be true," answered the blonde
wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing
those dogs and when I finally
catch one it's hard getting him
to swallow the
pill!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The huge college
freshman decided to try out for the football
team. "Can you tackle?" asked
the coach.
"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run
smack
into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.
"Wow," said the
coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the
freshman. He was off like a shot,
and, in just over nine seconds, he had run
a hundred yard dash.
"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a
football?"
The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he
said,
"if I can swallow it, I can probably pass
it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sister Mary, who
worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound
patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it a gas station was
just a block away. She walked
to the station to borrow a gas can and buy
some gas. The attendant told her the only gas can he
owned had been loaned
out but she could wait until it was returned.
Since the nun was on the way to
see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She
looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the
bedpan she was taking to the patient.
She carried the bedpan to the station,
filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was
pouring the gas into her tank two men watched from across the street. One of
them turned to
the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Just 24 hours after
golfer John Daly said he had a gambling
problem, Charles Barkley
revealed he lost $10 million in Las
Vegas. And that was just at
the buffet table." --Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"If you enjoy your
alcohol, remember this: If you put your
old, rotten liver under
your pillow, the Beer Fairy will
leave you a keg." --Paul
Tomkins
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"My
sister was in labor for thirty-six hours. Ow! She got
wheeled
out of delivery, looked at me, and said, 'Adopt.'"
--Caroline Rhea
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman was at home with
her children when the telephone
rang. In going to answer it, she
tripped on a rug, grabbed
for something to hold on to and seized
the telephone table.
It fell over with a crash, jarring the
receiver off the
hook.
As it fell, it hit
the family dog, which leaped up, howling
and barking. The
woman's three-year-old son, startled by
this noise, broke into
loud screams. The woman mumbled some
colorful words. She finally
managed to pick up the receiver
and lift it to her ear, just in
time to hear her husband's
voice on the other end say, "Nobody's
said hello yet, but
it certainly sounds as if I have the right
number."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A marine
biologist was telling his friends about some of his
most recent
research findings. "Some whales can communicate
at a distance of
300 miles," he said.
"What the heck would one whale say to
another 300 miles
away?" asked his sarcastic friend.
"I can't be sure," he expert said, "but it sounds something
like 'Can you hear me now?'"
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Shirley's
ressypees e-zine
We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular
recipe,
send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca
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tall to fit your legs under the desk!"
Have you ever
heard of news as weird as this?
Send blank email to 46508-subscribe@zinester.com for free
subscription of "Weirdo News" now!
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**** HEALTH NEWS ****
Study finds gastric band better than diet
MELBOURNE, -- An Australian study finds that gastric band-
ing surgery appears to be more effective than a very low-
calorie diet for losing weight and keeping it off. Research-
ers at Monash University Medical School in Melbourne studied
80 patients who were about 50 pounds overweight, USA Today
reports. Half went through adjustable gastric banding. The
laproscopic operation puts a band around the top of the
stomach, so that patients feel full when they have eaten
less. The other half were prescribed a combination of weight-
loss strategies, including a 500-calorie diet, meal replace-
ments and weight-loss medication. The researchers found that
at the end of the six months both groups lost about 14 per-
cent of their starting weight. But at the end of two years,
the diet group had regained some of the weight they had
lost, although they were still 5.5 percent or 12 pounds
lighter than they started. The surgery group had lost an
average of 45 pounds or 87 percent of their excess weight.
The surgery costs from $14,000 to $18,000 in the United
States. The study was published in the Annals of Internal
Medicine.
Type 2
diabetes suffers at risk
LONDON, -- A British study
shows people with Type 2 dia-
betes have a greater chance of
dying early than previously
thought. Researchers, led by Dr.
Henrietta Mulnier of
Surrey University, found Type 2 patients
between 35 and 54
years old had three times the risk of early
death compared
to people that age without the disease. The BBC
reports
Type 2 diabetes is linked to obesity, diet and other
health
lifestyle characteristics and develops later in life
than
Type 1, the result of the body's inability to
produce
insulin. While Type 2 sufferers can change their
lifestyle
and take medication to return glucose levels to
normal,
Mulnier said the study shows the disease is still
deadly.
New drug seen to help alcoholics
WASHINGTON, -- A new drug can help U.S. primary
care
doctors treat alcoholics without intensive
counseling,
reports USA Today. A study sponsored by the
National
Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism found
that
alcoholics who took the drug naltrexone and
occasionally
met with a doctor or nurse, did as well as
alcoholics who
did both and had up to 20 psychotherapy sessions,
the
report said. The findings are published in The Journal
of
the American Medical Association. "This could
substantially
improve access to treatment," says Mark
Willenbring,
director of the institute's Division of Treatment
and
Recovery Research.
**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help
This is a
link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is
excellent. I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation
http://www.organdonor.gov/
It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a
mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a
thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits
to donate mammogram
in exchange for
advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to
people you know.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to
click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated
every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to
go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This
doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the
number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in
exchange
for advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to
people you know!
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link
for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is
excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U
Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read
this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject
Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** MOTOR
SPORTS NEWS ****
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NHRA's Geoffrion dies |
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Nine-time winner, "Dodge Boys" Pro Stock standout was
40. |
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Foyt: Veterans won't contend |
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Car owner says retired drivers won't push for Indy 500
crown. |
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Jarrett's crew chief out |
|
Illegal part on No. 88 nets "Slugger" Labbe four-race
suspension. |
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Subscribe Today: Home Delivery of USA TODAY - Save 35%
**** COUNTRY
CALENDAR ****
1899 Harry "Big Slim" McAuliffe born in Bluefield,
West
Virginia
1914 Hank Snow born in
Liverpool, Nova Scotia, Canada
1917 Milton
Estes born in Knoxville, Tennessee
1937
Songwriter Sonny Curtis ("I'm No Stranger to the Rain,"
"I
Fought the Law," "Love Is All Around" theme to Mary Tyler
Moore
Show) born in Meadow, Texas
1944 Richie Furay, founding
member of the Bufallo
Springfield and Poco, born in Yellow
Springs, Ohio
1946 Bobby Lewis born in
Hodgenville, Kentucky
1953 Hank Williams' #1
single "Take These Chains From My
Heart" charted
1983 Bob Neal, country music promoter, died at age
65
1984 Costume designer Nudie Cohen, inventor
of the
rhinestone suit, died of kidney failure in Los
Angeles
at age 81
1989 Keith Whitley, age
33, died in Goodlettsville,
Tennessee
1944 Jimmie Davis became governor of Louisiana
1989 Tim McGraw arrived in Nashville to further his music
career
1928 The Carter Family recorded
"Keep On The Sunny Side"
for Victor
1935 The
Carter Family recorded "My Clinch Mountain Home"
for
Victor
1935 The Carter Family recorded "The Storms Are On
The
Ocean" for Victor
1949 Tommy Duncan
recorded "September" for Capitol
1949 Tommy
Duncan recorded "Gamblin' Polka Dot Blues" for
Capitol
1949 Tommy Duncan recorded "You Put Me On My
Feet (When
You Took Her Off My Hands)" for Capitol
1949 Tommy Duncan recorded "Just A Plain Old Country Boy"
for Capitol
1951 Flatt & Scruggs recorded "Don't Get
Above Your Raisin'"
for
Columbia
**** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****
May 8, 2006: It's
all good for Jack Ingram. The Texan just received word he has scored the first
number one song of his career and he soon will open Brooks & Dunn shows
throughout the rest of the year, when he's not opening for Sheryl Crow.
"Wherever You Are" will be the number one song when
the Billboard song chart is released later this week.
"At my very first gig at Adair's Saloon in Dallas,
Texas, a guy held up his finger (not his index finger) and screamed at me,
'You're number one!,' said Ingram. "I replied 'Not yet, but someday I will be!'
Today is that day! I am very excited about having a number one single. I am
proud and very appreciative of all the people involved with making this happen,
including my Big Machine Records family, country radio and all the fans,
"Wherever You Are!"
The song is the first chart topper for
Nashville-based Big Machine Records. The label was founded eight months ago by
music industry veteran Scott Borchetta.
"I have had the good fortune to be involved in over
100 number 1 singles in my career, but there are none bigger or that I am more
proud of than this one," said Borchetta. "Jack Ingram is like a long lost
brother to me. As one of the first signings to the label, Jack and I sat down
and talked very specifically about where he had been and where he wanted to go.
Today is the beginning of where Jack Ingram is going and where Big Machine is
going."
Ingram joins the Brooks & Dunn "Long Haul Tour"
when it kicks off later this week in Charlotte, N.C. The tour, which runs
through November, will stop in major cities across the U.S., including
Washington, D.C., Atlanta, Philadelphia, Chicago, Dallas, St. Louis, Cleveland,
Detroit, Kansas City, Indianapolis, Seattle, Portland and San Diego.
* * * * * * *
May 8, 2006: After 20 years of touring, Ricky Van
Shelton is calling it a day.
Shelton said he was ending touring and performing
after 16 albums and 12 number 1 singles.
In a letter dated May 3, he wrote, "I need to share
with you a very difficult decision that I have reached this week. I have asked
to be released from the performance obligations that have been made for the rest
of this year."
I understand and appreciate the deep devotion that
many of you have shown to me during the past 19 years of my musical career. I
have not made this decision lightly, and I deeply regret any inconvenience that
this may cause to those of you who have already made plans to attend some of
these performances.
There are several reasons for this decision, some
of them very personal. But I want to assure each of you that Bettye and I are in
good health and still love music and everything it stands for. Music will always
be a part of my life."
But we have decided that at this time, we need to
be close to our families. As many of you know, most of our family is in
Virginia. We've been away from what we have always called home for the past 20
years. During that time, we have lost my father and Bettye's mother. We weren't
there for them, and we have always regretted not spending more time with them.
We believe that we need to be in Virginia at this time. We want to be more
involved with our immediate families and be available to them and their needs. I
trust that most of you will understand."
We will continue to utilize our web site
(www.rickyvanshelton.com) to keep you updated on ongoing projects. Maybe now I
can finish that CD of original songs that you have been so patient about. And
perhaps, there will be other musical projects that I can pursue without being
away from home for long periods of time. My options are open and I will keep you
informed thru the web site.
We have made a lot of dear friends over the past
years. We will always be grateful for the support, encouragement and prayers
that you have shared with us. I hope that we can also count on your good wishes
for us as we begin this new phase of our life.
Thank you from the bottom of my
heart.
**** Amy's Kitchen
****
"Light & Spicy Chicken
Strips" (D)
1.) 1 teaspoon vegetable oil
2.) 1/2 pound skinless boneless chicken breasts,
(cut crosswise into 1/4-inch strips)
3.) 1/4 teaspoon salt
4.) 2 teaspoons
butter
5.) 1 tablespoon liquid hot pepper
sauce
6.) 5 celery stalks, cut into 3-inch
sticks
Blue Cheese Dip
Ingredients:
1.) 2/3 cup nonfat plain yogurt
2.) 2 tablespoons reduced-fat mayonnaise
3.) 2
ounces crumbled blue cheese
4.) 3 tablespoons finely
chopped scallions
5.) 1/4 teaspoon coarsely ground black
pepper
In a small bowl, whisk together
the yogurt, mayonnaise and blue cheese. Stir in the scallions and pepper and set
aside while preparing the chicken. Cover and refrigerate.
(This
recipe can be made one day ahead to this point.) Heat the oil in a large,
preferably nonstick skillet. Season the chicken with the salt. Cook the chicken
over medium-high heat, stirring frequently, until lightly browned and cooked
through, 3 to 4 minutes. Remove the skillet from the heat.
Add
the butter and hot pepper sauce to the pan and swirl until the butter melts and
the sauce coats the chicken. Serve the chicken and celery sticks
along with the blue cheese dip. Provide toothpicks for spearing the chicken and
dipping it in the sauce. Makes 6
servings.
Nutritional information per
serving:
About 136 calories, 64 calories from fat, 7g total
fat,
3g saturated fat, 33mg cholesterol, 363mg sodium, 5g
total
carbohydrates, 0g fiber, 13g protein.
Source: The Daily Diabetic Recipe
Newsletter
**** TODAY'S
USELESS FACT ****
Is it true that it's better to let
the phone go dead before you charge it?
 Only if your phone uses a nickel cadmium (Ni-Cd) battery. Ni-Cd batteries have a "memory" effect that can occur when charging a
battery that is not fully discharged, so it is recommended to discharge them
fully (leave the phone on until it's completely dead.)
Most batteries
used in cell phones these days are not Ni-Cd, and don't have this limitation, so
you probably don't have to worry about it.
****A
PARTING THOUGHT ****
A
computer can make as many mistakes in two seconds as
20 men working for 20
years.
TOON TIME
LAST CALL Y'ALL
That's all folks
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out
there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
PLEASE
Don't take anything you see in
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The contents
are meant to be jokes, nothing more.
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Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed
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and from my readers. All are believed to be public domain . If you hold
copyright
n any of these materials please inform me so I may give the
proper credit, or remove it which
ever you prefer.
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GOD BLESS
AMERICA
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Jim Dowers
P.O. Box 521
Carlisle, IN
47838-0521
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