Two little boys, aged 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,

"Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. GOD is missing, and they think we did it !"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~CARL~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our 13 year old niece spent last night with us.  When we dropped her off
at home, my sister-in-law asked how she behaved.  "She was an angel," I
informed her. "Really?" she questioned. "Yes, really.  A perfect angel."
I assured her. "I just don't understand.  Whenever she is with you she
is well behaved.  Whenever she is at home, she is a monster.  She
misbehaves for everyone else.  In fact, the teachers at her school drew
straws to see who would be stuck with her in their class.  How come she
always behaves for you?"  My sister in law asked. "I don't know.  I
guess I just have a way with children.  I also try to educate them as
well.  A child is never to young to learn."  I answered. "What do you
mean.  What did you teach her?"  She inquired. "Well, for instance,
children need to learn about death and dying so they better understand
this process.  I explained this concept very carefully to her."  I
informed my sister-in-law. "Really?  You explained this to her at 13?"
She asked dumbfounded. "Well actually she was much younger when I
explained this.  She now understands death perfectly.  Which is good,
because it makes threatening her with it, much more effective."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A billion hours ago, human life appeared on earth. A billion minutes ago, Christianity emerged. A billion Coca Colas ago was yesterday morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy was visiting his friend in the hospital
who was "all torn up."

"What happened?" he asked.

"Well, we were hunting the Mumba snake.
It has yellow and black stripes, and likes to
sun itself lying across a pathway in the jungle.
You catch it by grabbing the tip of it's tail with
one hand and quickly running your other hand
up the length of it's body so you can grab it
behind the neck."

"Go on," the friend urged.

"Well, I stealthily sneaked up to the tail laying
across the jungle path, grabbed it by the end
and rapidly moved my other hand upward ...
just as the procedure goes."

"So why are you so banged up?" the friend asked.

"Have you ever goosed a tiger?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My husband stayed home from work so that he could be with me when our son was born. Upon his return to work, he had to catch up on some tasks at the grocery store that had been left undone, one of which was to clean all the lettuces and put the discarded leaves aside for a lady who regularly picked them up for her rabbits. By afternoon she still hadn't arrived, so he threw them out. Not long after, he spotted her at the far side of the store. Sammy only saw her gesturing with her hands, and couldn't hear her asking how his wife and new baby were doing. Nevertheless, he called back loudly, "Sorry, I just threw them in the garbage."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young man was visiting his brother and sister-in-law for Sunday
dinner. As he arrived at their house he found his young nephew, Mikey,
helping them bake some cupcakes.

After they were done, his sister-in-law allowed Mikey to put the icing
on. When the boy had finished, he brought them to the table.

"The cupcakes look delicious, Mike." his uncle said. He took a bite and
said, "Mikey these are so good." As he finished one cupcake and took
another, he again complimented his little nephew. "The cupcakes look
beautiful, Mikey," his uncle said. "How did you get the icing so neat?"

His nephew replied, "It was easy. I just licked them."

The uncle turned pale. He pointed to the plate of cupcakes. "You licked
all of these?"

Mikey replied, "Well no. After a while my tongue got tired, and I got
the dog to help."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Little Red Hen

Once upon a time, on a farm in Arkansas, there was a
little red hen  who scratched about the barnyard until
she uncovered quite a few grains of wheat.

She called all of her neighbors together and said, "If
we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who
will help me plant it?"

"Not I," said the cow.
"Not I," said the duck.
"Not I," said the pig.
"Not I," said the goose.

"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen.

And so she did; The wheat grew very tall and ripened
into golden grain.

"Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red
hen.

"Not I," said the duck.
"Out of my classification," said the pig.
"I'd lose my seniority," said the cow.
"I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose.

"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen,
and so she did.

At last it came time to bake the bread. "Who will help
me bake the bread?" asked the little red hen.

"That would be overtime for me," said the cow.
"I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck.
"I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig.
"If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination,"
said the goose.

"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen.

She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her
neighbors to see.

They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But
the little red hen said, "No, I shall eat all five
loaves."

"Excess profits!" cried the cow.
"Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck.
"I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose.
The pig just grunted in disdain.

And they all painted "Unfair!" picket signs and marched
around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.

Then a government agent came, he said to the little red
hen, "You must not be so greedy."

"But I earned the bread," said the little red hen.

"Exactly," said the agent. "That is what makes our free enterprise
system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he
wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive
workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy
and idle."

And they all lived happily ever after, including the little
red hen,  who smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, for now
I truly understand."

But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She
never again baked bread because she joined the "party"
and got her bread free.

And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established.
Individual initiative had died but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared,
as long as there was free bread.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From the doctor's clinic, my son, Matthew, called to say the lens- implant surgery in his sightless eye had failed, but it was to be redone. The next day he called to say the second surgery had been successful.

Months later I learned from my cousin that Matthew's doctor always asked his patients, prior to surgery, if they would like him to pray with them. Curious, I asked Matthew if the doctor had asked him if he wanted to pray.

"Yes," was all he offered.

"Well?" I prodded. "Did you say yes?"

Silence.

I waited, nodding expectantly.

Slowly a sheepish grin spread across Matthew's face. "The first time, no; the second time, yes."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
More Things I'd Like to Hear, Just Once

From my auto mechanic:
"That part is much less expensive than I thought."
"I've never seen anyone maintain his car as well as you do."
"You could get that done more cheaply at the garage down the street."
"It was just a loose wire. No charge."

From my son's preschool teacher:
"Everyone misbehaved today except Michael."
"Michael traded his candy bar for carrot sticks."
"I wish we had 20 Michaels."

From a contractor:
"Whoever worked on this before sure knew what he was doing."
"I think I came in a little high on that estimate."

From my dentist:
"I think you're flossing too much."
"I won't ask you any questions until I take the pick out of your mouth."

From a restaurant server:
"I think it's presumptuous for a waiter to volunteer
his name, but since you ask, it's Tim."
"I was slow and inattentive. I cannot accept any tip."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One morning while sitting in front of the mirror getting ready to go to work I said to my husband, "Honey, have you noticed how big my ears are?".

Without missing a beat he replied, "They match your mouth"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Today President Bush said global warming is happening much  
quicker than he thought, but then his staff pulled him aside  
and told him, 'It's just spring time.'" --Jay Leno  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The government is getting ready for a bird flu pandemic.  
The best thing you can do is sterilize your pans."  
 --Dave Letterman  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God: "Whew, I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on earth."

Angel: "Oh yeah? What are you going to do now?"

God: "I think I'll call it a day."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For several years my husband and I have made a conscientious effort to get our family to eat more healthful foods at meals and for snacks. The children often express their discontent with this. One afternoon I returned from grocery shopping and our 17- year-old son started to unpack the bags. "Oh, no!" he exclaimed, pulling out paper towels in a new earth-tone shade. "Whole-wheat towels!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children's  
world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was  
working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing  
a yearlong research project in India.  

One co-worker's quip, however, stopped me short. "What is  
it about you," he asked, "that makes your kids want to get  
so far away?"   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your body is a temple, but how long can you live in the
same house before you redecorate?