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Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

 MONDAY MAY 15,2006


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: It is better to be judged by twelve,
than carried by six.

A man dies and finds himself standing third in line at the Pearly Gates. The Angel explains that admission requirements are now a bit more strict, as a few slum landlords and con artists have managed to slip into Heaven without being detected.

He queries the first candidate: "What was your annual salary, and what was your profession?

"I made $150,000 as an attorney," comes the reply.

"You may enter," says the Angel.

Second candidate, same question.

"I made $95,000, I was a realtor." He is also permitted to enter.

Now it is the third man's turn.

"My annual salary was $175."

"Cool!" replies the Angel, "and what ezine did you publish?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A motorist was on trial for hitting a pedestrian. The motorist's lawyer made this point:
"Your honor, my client has been driving for over thirty years."
To which the lawyer for the plaintiff retorted: "Your honor, if we are going to judge this case by
experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over fifty years."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you Love Something

Set it free
If it comes back,
it was and always will be yours.

If it never returns,
it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your Living Room,
messes up your Stuff,
eats your Food,
uses your Telephone,
takes your Money,
and it never appeared that you actually set it free in the first place.
You either Married it, or gave Birth to it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Four-year-old Little Johnny asked, "Mummy,
where do babies come from?
"The stork, dear." replied Johnny's Mom.
"Mummy, who keeps bad people from robbing
our house?" Asked Little Johnny.
Johnny's mother answer, "The police, dear."
"Mummy, if our house was on fire, who would
save us?"
"The fire department, dear."
"Mummy, where does food come from?"
"Farmers, dear."
"Mummy?"
"Yes, dear?"
 "What do we need Daddy for?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear
a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast
under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the
toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he
opened the window as wide as possible and then
busied himself with desk work.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took
the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench
under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 73 years
old  now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my
age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork
for a long time. He waved, jumped up and down, and stared at the stork a
while longer. Finally, turning to his father, he exclaimed, "Gee, Dad,
he doesn't recognize me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The company I worked for had an employee suggestion competition, the
entire staff was asked to submit entries that would save money for the
firm. The winner was a man who suggested the company post corporate
memos on bulletin boards, instead of printing 200 individual copies for
distribution. He got a helium balloon with the company logo and one
share of stock. A memo announcing the winner went out to 200 people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our Town Is So Small...

our city limits signs are both on the same post!
the McDonalds only has one Golden Arch
the 7-11 is a 3 1/2 - 5 1/2
the phone book has only one page
the ZIP code was a fraction
Second Street is in the next town over
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A women's lib speaker was addressing a large group and said,"Where would
man be today if it were not for woman?" She paused a moment and looked
around the room. "I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for
woman?" From the back of the room came a voice, "He'd be in the Garden
of Eden eating strawberries."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yes, parenthood changes everything, but parenthood also changes
with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and
third child differs from having your first:

Your Clothes
1st baby
You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your
OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby
You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby
Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name
1st baby
You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and
writing combinations of all your favorites.
2nd baby
Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis,
right? It might as well be you.
3rd baby
You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger
falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!

Preparing for the Birth
1st baby
You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby
You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time,
breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby
You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette
1st baby
You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and
fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby
You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard
only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby
Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries
1st baby
At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick up
the baby.
2nd baby
You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your first
born.
3rd baby
You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities
1st baby
You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby
Story Hour.
2nd baby
You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby
You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out
1st baby
The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5
times.
2nd baby
Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number
where you can be reached.
3rd baby
You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees
blood.

At Home
1st baby
You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby
You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child
isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby
You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To pass the time while our plane was being de-iced, the flight
attendants played a trivia game with the passengers. They asked us to
guess the total number of years the three of them had worked for the
airlines. After an attendant collected our estimates, we heard the
announcement: "The correct answer is 26 years. For the two people who
came closest with 28 years, we have prizes. And for the passenger in
seat 12F who guessed 85 years, would you please step off the plane once
we are airborne?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Frenchman with a parrot perched on his shoulder
walked into a bar.
The bartender said,
"Wow! That's really neat! Where'd you get him?"
"In France," the parrot replied.
"They have millions of them."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Prison Versus Housewives
In prison, you get three square meals a day.
At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to
eat it.

In prison, you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle.
At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can
spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again
because little Jr. can't sleep without his latest lego creation.

In prison, you get to watch TV, cable even.
At home, you get to listen to your children fight over the remote
control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks
to cable.

In prison, you can read whatever you want and attend college for free.
At home, you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot
and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for
the next twenty years.

In prison, all your medical care is free.
At home, you have to pawn your mother's silver and fill out trillions of
papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.

In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk
and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up. At home,
you get to clean for days in advance and then cook and clean up after
your guests and hope that they will one day leave.

In prison, you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out
in your own space all day. At home, you get to clean your space and
everyone else's space, too, and what the heck is free time again?

In prison, you get your own personal toilet.
At home, you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to
keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long
till you're done so you can do something for them.

In prison, the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes. At
home, you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else's, and
get yelled at because somebody's favorite shirt isn't clean.

In prison, they take you everywhere you need to go.
At home, you take everybody else where they need to go.

In prison, the guards transport all your personal effects for you and
make sure nothing is missing. At home, you have to lug around everybody
else's stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and took your
last dollar.

In prison, there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking
you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you
didn't. At home....stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Age 8: Looks at herself and sees: Cinderella/Sleeping
Beauty.

Age 15: Looks at herself and sees: Cinderella/Sleeping
Beauty/Cheerleader, or if she is PMS'ing: sees:Pimples/UGLY ("Mom, I
can't go to school looking like this!")

Age 20: Looks at herself and sees: "too fat/too thin,
too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" - but
decides she's going out anyway.

Age 30: Looks at herself and sees: "too fat/too thin,
too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" - but
decides she doesn't have time to fix it so
she's going out anyway.

Age 40: Looks at herself and sees: "too fat/too thin,
too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" - but says,
"At least, I'm clean" and goes out anyway.

Age 50: Looks at herself and sees I am" - and goes
wherever she wants to.

Age 60: Looks at herself and reminds herself of all the
people who can't even see themselves in the mirror
anymore. ...goes out and conquers the world.

Age 70: Looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter and
ability - goes out and enjoys life.

Age 80: Doesn't bother to look. Just puts on a red hat
and goes out to participate in the world.

Age 90: Can't see and doesn't worry about it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two intrepid explorers met in the heart of the
Brazilian jungle.
"I'm here," declared one, "to commune with nature
in the raw, to contemplate the eternal verities
and to widen my horizons. And you, sir?"
"I," sighed the second explorer, "came because my
young daughter has begun violin lessons."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While riding the bus, my mother noticed a young man, who was holding
onto the same pole, staring at her.  Eventually, he said, "Excuse me.
This is my stop."

Since she wasn't blocking his way, she was confused.  "Well," she said,
"go ahead."

"And this is my pole," he said.

My mother was completely perplexed until the young man added, "I just
bought it at the hardware store to hold up my shower curtain."

And with that, he picked up his pole and carried it off the bus.

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**** ON THIS DAY ****

**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent.  I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!
 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 **** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****

Biffle finally gets a win Jarrett jumps to Waltrip Notes: Driver to ditch Robert Yates Racing, Ford for Toyota. Story Rain cancels Indy qualifying Pole day postponed until next weekend after afternoon showers. Story Alonso wins Spanish GP Spaniard captures Formula One race, Schumacher second. Story

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**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****

1964 Bobby Bare won a Grammy Award for his song "Detroit  
City"  

1964 Ray Charles won a Grammy for "Busted," written by  
Harlan Howard  
  
1901 Whitey Ford "The Duke of Paducah" born in De Soto,  
Missouri  

1921 Joe Maphis born in Suffolk, Virginia  

1937 Producer/songwriter Bob Montgomery born in Lampasas,  
Texas  

1942 Billy Swan born in Cape Giradeau, Missouri  

1955 Kix Brooks born in Shreveport, Louisiana  
  
1962 Billy Walker's "Charlie's Shoes" goes to #1  
  
1979 Conway Twitty's "Don't Take It Away" goes to #1  
  
1984 Willie Nelson's duet with Spanish singer Julio  
Iglesias "To All the Girls I've Loved Before" went to  
#1 on the country singles chart  

1990 Travis Tritt scored his first #1 single with "Help  
Me Hold On"  
  
1966 Eddy Arnold's "My World" album certified gold   



 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

Rascal Flatts' Me and My Gang Double Platinum  

Rascal Flatts' Me and My Gang has been certified double  
platinum by the RIAA for shipments of more than 2 million  
copies. More than 1.4 million copies have been sold since  
the album's release on April 4. Me and My Gang has remained  
No. 1 on the country album sales chart since its release  
and also spent three weeks atop the Billboard 200. The  
album includes the No. 1 hit, "What Hurts the Most."
 
Alison Krauss' New Video on CMT Mobile, CMT.com  

Alison Krauss & Union Station's new music video, "If I  
Didn't Know Any Better," premiered on CMT Mobile's  
Uncorked and CMT.com on Wednesday (May 10). It will  
make its television debut on CMT Top Twenty Countdown  
on Thursday (May 11). Written by John Scott Sherrill  
and Mindy Smith, the ballad comes from the band's 2004  
album, Lonely Runs Both Ways. Shot partially on location  
in downtown Nashville, the video was directed by Wayne  
Isham