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Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

 WEDNESDAY MAY 17,2006


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: The man who gives in when he is wrong ... is wise; The man who gives in when he is right is....well,  married.

Three elderly ladies were at the doctor for a cognitive reasoning test.
The doctor says to the first gal, "What is three times three?" "297,"
was her prompt reply. "Ummm humm," says the doc. The doctor says to the
lady, "It's your turn now. What is three times three?" "Friday," replies
the second lady. "Ummm humm..." Then the doc says to the third, "Okay,
mam, your turn. What's three times three?" "Nine," says she. "That's
wonderful!" says the doc. "Tell me, how did you get that?" "Simple," she
says, beaming... "I subtracted 297 from Friday!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling
to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet.
She had been told the combination, but couldn't
quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor's
study and asked for help.
The pastor came into the room and began to turn
the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and
stared blankly for a moment. Finally he look serenely heavenward and his
lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned
to the final number, and opened the lock. The teacher was amazed. "I'm
in awe at your faith, pastor," she said. "It's really nothing," he
answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The judge read the charges, then asked,
"Are you the defendant in this case?"
"No sir, your honor, sir," replied Bob,
"I've got a lawyer to do the defendin'.
I'm the guy who done it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.
Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know
how little you think of his evil!" The dying man said nothing. The
priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest
asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying
man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to
aggravate anybody."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was trying to mow the lawn before my husband got home from work, but
our electric lawn mower refused to cooperate. It would run fine for a
few seconds, then cut off, run again, cut off. Finally, I gave up and
waited for my husband. He had a good laugh when he diagnosed the
problem. Instead of plugging in the mower using a three-prong adapter, I
had hooked up the cord through the Christmas-tree light blinker.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"Experts "Experts in Washington say that if the coast guard's ships  
aren't replaced soon, they will be unable to keep drugs and  
illegal aliens from entering our country. God forbid that  
should ever happen – imagine what this place would be like  
if illegal aliens and drugs were able to get in here?"  
 --Jay Leno  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"It's graduation time in New York City and many of the  
students here are honor students. Yes your honor, no your  
honor, not guilty your honor." --Dave Letterman  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A minister in a little church had been having trouble with  
the collections.  

One Sunday he announced, "Now, before we pass the collection  
plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the  
chickens from Farmer Condill's henhouse please refrain from  
giving any money to the Lord.  The Lord doesn't want money  
from a thief!"  

The collection plate was passed around, and for the first  
time in months everybody gave.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician were moose  
hunting in northern Canada. After a short walk through the  
marshes they spotted a HUGE moose 150 meters away.  

The engineer raised his gun and fired at the moose. A puff  
of dust showed that the bullet landed 3 meters to the right  
of the moose.  

The physicist, realizing that there was a substantial breeze  
that the engineer did not account for, aimed to the left of  
the moose and fired. The bullet landed 3 meters to the left  
of the moose.  

The statistician jumped up and down screaming, "We got him!  
We got him!"  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was Schneider's birthday, and that morning there was a knock
on the door.
"Telegram!"
He opened the door excitedly, "Is it a singing telegram?"
Schneider asked the messenger boy.
"No Sir. We don't do singing telegrams anymore."
"I've always wanted a singing telegram. Can't you bend the rules
and make an old man happy?"
"Sorry."
"Please," begged Schneider.. "Today's my birthday."
"Oh, all right," said the boy,
"Dah-dah dee... dee-dee-dah, your sister Ruth is dead!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy sees a buddy and notices that his friend's car
is total wreck.
It is covered with leaves, grass, branches,
dirt and blood.
He asks his friend, "So what the heck happened to your car?"
"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer".
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood...
But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches
and the dirt?"
"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman in my office recently divorced after years of marriage, had signed up for a refresher CPR course.
"Is it hard to learn?" someone asked.
"Not at all," my co-worker replied. "Basically you're asked to breathe life into a dummy.
I don't expect to have any problem. I did that for 12 years."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking
about things. "Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his
head?" he asked his mother.
"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for
coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.
Until, that is, Johnny thought for a second and asked, "So why do you
have so much hair?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"United Airlines might be leaving the city of Chicago. The  
good news is that they will be leaving from O'Hare so they  
will not depart for another six years." --Conan o'Brien  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Your hair may be brushed, but your mind's untidy. You've  
had about seven hours of sleep since Friday. No wonder  
you feel that lost sensation. You're sunk from a riot of  
relaxation." --Ogden Nash  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd  
like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And,  
the next time you get the urge to go blasting through the  
skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think  
of US Airways."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Put in charge of organizing my friend's baby shower, I de-  
cided to send out invitations via email.  To let my husband  
know that he had baby-sitting duty that day, I entered his  
name on the "copy to" line.  

Within minutes of sending the messages, I received an email  
back from my husband.  He wrote, "Imagine my disappointment  
when I realized that your invitation wasn't sent only to me."  

He was referring to the "Subject" line of my message, which  
read, "Lunch and a shower."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I came out of a convenience store the other day and some  
seedy looking guy walks up to me and holds up a little  
sign: "DEAF & MUTE... Can you spare $10?"  

Wow! What happened to a dollar or 2? So I reached into my  
pocket for my wallet, opened it, took out a folded piece  
of paper and handed it to him.  

It said: "I CAN'T READ" and I walked away.  


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**** HEALTH NEWS ****
 
Alcoholism Raises Pneumonia Risk  

History of problem drinking can mean more severe illness,  
study finds  

THURSDAY, -- Alcoholism boosts a person's risk for danger-  
ous pneumonia, European researchers report.  

The Spanish-German study included 128 current alcoholics,  
54 former alcoholics, and 1,165 non-alcoholics who were  
hospitalized for community-acquired pneumonia. The  
researchers concluded that patients with a history of  
alcohol abuse had the highest incidence of Streptococcus  
pneumoniae bacteria.  

Overall, 27 percent of alcoholics, 30 percent of former  
alcoholics, and 16 percent of non-alcoholics developed S.  
pneumoniae, the researchers reported in the May issue of  
the journal Chest.  

Alcoholics also presented with more severe forms of  
pneumonia, but there were no major differences between  
the three groups of patients in terms of death or anti-  
biotic resistance to S. pneumoniae.  

The researchers said their findings highlight the need  
to promote pneumococcal vaccination in people with a  
history of alcoholism.   

Anticipation Heightens Smokers' Desire  

Watching someone puff away tugs on smokers' brains, study  
finds  

THURSDAY, -- Even watching someone smoke may be harmful, a  
new study suggests.  

When smokers anticipate having a cigarette in the near  
future, their brains are affected more by external clues  
-- such seeing someone else smoke -- than by their level  
of craving or how long they've gone without a cigarette,  
a new study finds.  

Canadian researchers used functional magnetic resonance  
imaging (fMRI) to scan the brains of 20 smokers who were  
divided into two groups: expectant (they could smoke  
immediately after the test), and non-expectant (they could  
smoke only four hours after the test).  

While their brains were being scanned, the study partici-  
pants were shown videotapes of people lighting cigarettes,  
smoking while socializing, or blowing smoke rings.  

In smokers who anticipated having a cigarette immediately  
after the test, these videos activated areas of the brain  
associated with arousal, attention, and cognitive control.  
In contrast, smokers who had to wait four hours to have a  
cigarette showed almost no brain response to the visual  
smoking cues, even if their craving to smoke was a strong  
as the expectant smokers.  

"Although the effect of exposure to drug-associated clues  
has been studied with various drugs of abuse, this is the  
first study to show the link between expectancy levels and  
smoking cues," Dr. Alain Dagher, a neurologist at the  
Montreal Neurological Institute and the department of  
psychology at McGill University, said in a prepared  
statement.  

"Our findings confirm the importance of expectancy in the  
neural response to these cues and lend support to the  
theory that these cues act on brain areas involved in  
arousal and attention, particularly the dorsolateral pre-  
frontal cortex, which is involved in the regulation and  
planning of drug-seeking or drug-avoiding behavior,"  
Dagher said.   

Cancer's Location May Not Guide Treatment  

Tumors may respond to drugs regardless of where they are,  
experts say  

THURSDAY, -- Cancer drug therapy based on a tumor's loca-  
tion in the body may eventually become obsolete, a new  
study suggests.  

"We've shown that drug effect is independent of where the  
tumor came from in the body," Howard McLeod, director of  
the pharmacology core at the Siteman Cancer Center of  
Washington University, St. Louis, said in a prepared  
statement.  

"If further studies confirm that a tumor-specific approach  
is better than the current anatomical emphasis, oncologists  
may have to stop thinking of themselves as colon cancer or  
breast cancer specialists and let the cancer tell them  
which drugs to use for each specific patient," said McLeod,  
who is also a member of the U.S. National Institutes of  
Health Pharmacogenetics Research Network.  

His team analyzed 255 samples of eight different cancers  
-- colon, breast, prostate, ovary, lung, brain, melanoma  
and lymphoma -- and concluded that the location of the  
tumor did not correlate to how the cancers interacted with  
a standard anti-cancer drug called irinotecan.  

Traditional cancer therapies have established different  
drug regimens for cancers located in different areas of  
the body, the researchers noted. Their findings suggest  
this approach should be replaced with treatments that  
use drugs that provide the greatest benefit based on the  
tumor's response to anti-cancer drugs.  

"This study is the first time the pathway for a drug's  
effect has been analyzed in tumors from different  
anatomical locations," McLeod said.  



**** ON THIS DAY ****

**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent.  I use it myself
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Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!
 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
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It is excellent
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
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Subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 **** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****

Simmons on right side now

Carpenter returns to racing

Two months after fatal crash with Dana, he's revving for Indy.

Story

Pole doesn't haunt Dixon

Says history remembers race winner, not pole-sitter at Indy.

Story

Hendrick extends Johnson

No. 48 driver and Lowe's sponsor locked up through 2010.

Story

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**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****


1911 Troy Martin born in Danville, Virginia  

1920 Laura Lee Owens McBride born in Bridgeport,  
Oklahoma  

1961 Rick Trevino born in Austin, Texas  
  
1958 Ernest Tubb recorded "Deep Purple Blues" for  
Decca  

1981 George Strait made his first appearance on the  
charts with his first single, "Unwound"  

1987 Dolly Parton, Linda Ronstadt and Emmylou Harris  
scored a #1 country single with Phil Spector's "To Know  
Him Is to Love Him"  

1998 Faith Hill's "This Kiss" hit #1 on the country  
singles chart  
  
1949 Wayne Raney recorded the #1 single "Why Don't You  
Haul Off and Love Me" for King  

1949 Wayne Raney recorded "Del Rio Boogie" for King  

1949 Wayne Raney recorded "Red Ball To Natchez" for King  
  
1949 Wayne Raney recorded "Don't Know Why" for King  
  
1952 Merle Travis recorded "Knee Deep In Trouble" for  
Capitol  

1952 Merle Travis recorded "Ain't That A Cryin' Shame"  
for Capitol  

1958 Ernest Tubb recorded "Please Keep Me In Mind" for  
Decca  

1958 Ernest Tubb recorded "I Wonder Why I Worry Over You"  
for Decca  

1960 The Louvin Brothers recorded "It's Christmas Time"  
for Capitol  

1960 The Louvin Brothers recorded "Santa's Big Parade" for  
Capitol  

1960 The Louvin Brothers recorded "Love is a Lonely Street"  
for Capitol  

1960 The Louvin Brothers recorded "If You Love Me, Stay  
Away" for Capitol  

1969 Merle Haggard recorded the #1 single, "Workin' Man  
Blues,"  
  
1980 Alabama released their first RCA single, "Tennessee  
River,"   


 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

Barbara Mandrell Tribute Album Includes Chesney, McEntire  

Kenny Chesney and Reba McEntire have recorded "I Was Country  
(When Country Wasn't Cool)" for a Barbara Mandrell tribute  
album due Oct. 10 on BNA Records. The project also features  
Alabama's Randy Owen ("Years"), Dierks Bentley ("Fast Lanes  
and Country Roads"), Terri Clark ("Sleeping Single in a  
Double Bed"), Sara Evans ("Crackers"), Lorrie Morgan  
("That's What Friends Are For"), Willie Nelson and Shelby  
Lynne ("This Time I Almost Made It") and Brad Paisley ("In  
Times Like These"). Mandrell won the CMA entertainer of the  
year award in 1980 and 1981. She retired from live  
performance in 1997.   
 

May 16, 2006: Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman are tying the knot, according to People Magazine. The singer and actress, both Australian, were first seen together in July 2005. Kidman hosted thet 30th anniversary event for a United Nations Development Fund for Women event in New York on Saturday. Urban was there as her date. People Magazine said on its web site that Kidman told them Monday, "He's actually my fianc?. I wouldn't be bringing my boyfriend." No word on a wedding date. Kidman previously was married to Tom Cruise. * * * * * * * May 16, 2006: Alan Jackson is recording yet another album, but there is a different twist this time. Instead of using long-time producer Keith Stegall, Jackson turned to bluegrass great Alison Krauss to produce. An album is slated to be released in late September on Arista Nashville. This is not the first time the pair has teamed up. At one point, Krauss opened shows for Jackson. In 1993, Krauss recorded "The Angels Cried," a duet for Jackson's first holiday collection, the platinum-certified "Honky Tonk Christmas." In New York City this past November, Jackson and Krauss were at a Grand Ole Opry Carnegie Hall show, where backstage the two had a casual conversation about possibly making a bluegrass record. After everyone returned to Nashville, Krauss suggested a different approach, and they recorded several more songs. As a result, the two will return to the studio to complete the album, due out in late September on Arista Nashville. * * * * * * * May 15, 2006: Jason Aldean scored his first number one single on both Billboard and R&R charts this week with his second release "Why," written by John Rich, Vicky McGehee and Rodney Clawson. "I called my manager before he had a chance to call me this morning," said Aldean. "I've been working and waiting for this day for 14 years, so I was on the phone calling everyone I know before the sun came up this morning. Everyone at country radio, CMT and GAC has been awesome to me this year, and I really appreciate the support. There will be a party somewhere tonight!" Aldean's first hit was "Hicktown." He also earned gold certification by the RIAA for his self-titled debut release and award nominations from both CMT for "Breakthrough Video of the Year" and the ACM for "Top New Male Vocalist." * * * * * * * May 15, 2006: Texas artist Hayes Carll has inked a deal with Lost Highway Records, the home of Lyle Lovett and Willie Nelson. No word on when new music will be out from Carll, who released two albums "Flower and Liquor on Compadre in 2002 and "Little Rock" in 2005 on his own. He has maintained a heavy touring schedule throughout the country. * * * * * * * May 15, 2006: Two new artists are the first to see their album release dates come and go thanks to the integration of Sony into BMG. Ashley Monroe was slated to release "Satisfied" June 27 and Susan Haynes was due out with "Crooked Little Heart" in late August, but now both are on hold. However, both albums currently are available for downloads at least on Itunes. Label changes, which included the departure of Sony head John Grady, often lead to artist rosters changing as well. None have been announced at the label.

**** Amy's Kitchen ****  

GREEK PIZZA   

1 pizza dough  
1/2 recipe garlic oil sauce  
8 oz. shredded mozzarella cheese  
4 oz. feta cheese, crumbled  
1/4 cup pitted/halved greek olives  
6-8 pepperoncini (pickled peppers), sliced  
1/2 red onion, sliced thinly  
1/2 cup fresh mushrooms slices  
1 tsp. dried oregano  
extra virgin olive oil   

Top dough crust with oil sauce, mozzarella cheese, feta  
cheese, olives, pepperoncini, onion, mushroons and oregano.  
Drizzle with oil. Bake in preheated 500 degree F oven on  
pizza stone for 8-10 minutes or until crust is golden brown  
and cheese is bubbly. Remove from oven and cool on a wire  
rack for 2-3 minutes before cutting into wedges and serving.  

Yield: 4 Servings

BASIC PIZZA DOUGH  

1 cup warm water  
1 package active dry yeast  
2 1/2 to 3 cups all-purpose flour  
2 tablespoons olive oil  
1/2 teaspoon salt  

Combine the water, yeast, and 1 1/2 cups of the flour in a  
large bowl. Mix well. Add the oil, salt, and remaining flour.  

With large wooden spoon or your hands mix the ingredients  
together until the dough holds its shape. You may need a bit  
less flour, so add the last half gradually.  

Place the dough on a lightly floured surface and knead until  
smooth and elastic, about 5 minutes. If the dough becomes  
sticky, sprinkle a bit more flour over it.  

Transfer the dough to a lightly oiled 2-quart bowl. Cover the  
bowl with plastic wrap or a kitchen towel, and let the dough  
rest until it has doubled in size, about 1 hour.  

When the dough has risen, place it on a lightly floured  
surface, divide it into two or more parts and roll them into  
balls. Cover them with a towel and let rest for 15 minutes.  
The dough is ready to be shaped, topped and cooked.