Archives at Zinester: The Daily Funnies. The Funnies. Humor & Jokes

From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.
Welcome to The Funnies

"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
These are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG

Welcome New Subscribers
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

THURSDAY MAY 18,2006

THOUGHT FOR TODAY: When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut
training on a Navajo Indian reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across
the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question
which his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the
moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message
to the moon with the astronauts.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA
folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message,
they asked the son to translate it. He refused.

So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where the rest of
the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder's
message to the moon.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He
reported that the moon message said, "Watch out for these guys; they
have come to steal your land."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Obedient Wife

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied," Listen, I'm a Christian; I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!! "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Desperate to protect the leaves on our stately trees from tent caterpillars, I hastened to wrap masking tape, sticky side out, around each trunk. "The caterpillars feel the sticky stuff and turn around and go the other way," I explained proudly to the old- timer who had dropped by. "

Yes, I see," he replied thoughtfully, looking up at the foliage. "And you've done a fine job of trapping them up there."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While I was shopping in the mall with my three children, a display in the window of a lingerie store caught my eye. "Do you think Daddy would like this?" I asked the kids, as I pointed to a lacy thing with matching robe.

"No way," my horrified six-year-old son replied. "Daddy would NEVER wear THAT!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NORM'S REDNECK CRUISE SHIP

In the mid-1950s my father completed a tour of duty at Elmendorf Air
Force Base in Anchorage, Alaska. We were stationed with him and returned
to Seattle aboard the troopship USS Funston. As troop commander, Dad was
charged with conducting daily inspections of the men's quarters, galley
and mess hall. My four-year-old brother, Stuart, tagged along one day.
As usual, the galley gleamed, floors were spotless, and the mess-hall
tables and condiment containers were aligned with military precision. My
father was about to pass the inspection when Stuart piped up, "Daddy,
look at all the gum under the table!" Dad bent down to the eye level of
a small child, and was horrified to see years' worth of petrified
chewing gum covering the bottoms of the tables. The mess hall did not
pass inspection until later that day and the troops who scraped off all
that gum could happily have thrown my little brother in the brig.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We were on our way to the hospital where our 16-year-old daughter
was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride we talked
about how the procedure would be performed.
       "Dad," our teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth
open during the surgery?"
       Without hesitation he quipped, "They're going to give you a phone
to hold."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
       Bob is a favorite conductor among commuters on the Long Island
Rail Road. He has great rapport with the regulars, but occasionally
runs into a problem rider. One passenger, for instance, seemed
irritated at having to hand over his ticket to be punched.
       "Where are you going today?" Bob asked, smiling.
       "Well, what does the ticket say?" replied the traveler
sarcastically.   "Um, it says you're on the wrong train," Bob informed
him.
       "What am I supposed to do now?" asked the flustered passenger.
       Returning the punched card, Bob replied calmly, "Ask the ticket."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father took his 5-year-old son to several baseball games where The
Star-Spangled Banner was sung before the start of each game. Then the
father and son attended a church on a Sunday shortly before Independence
Day.
       The congregation sang The Star-Spangled Banner, and after
everyone
sat down, the little boy suddenly yelled out, "PLAY BALL!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anger Management LOL

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to
make. I
found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn
Carter?"

Suddenly an angry voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right freakin'
number!" and
the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down
Robyn's
correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed
the last
two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an idiot!" and
hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word "idiot'" next to it, and put it in
my desk
drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call
him up and yell, "You're an "idiot!" It always cheered me up. When
Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "idiot" calling would
have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the
Telephone
Company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID
Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back
and said, "That's because you're an "idiot!" One day I was at the store,
getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW
cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the
idiot ignored
me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down
his phone
number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first idiot (by this
time I had
his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW idiot,
too. I
said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is", he
said.

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked. "Yes, I live at 34
Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked
right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?"

"Don, you're an "idiot!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I
had a problem, I had two idiots to call. Then I came up with an idea. I
called Idiot #1. "Hello."
"You're an idiot!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he
asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black
Beamer
parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying your
prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared," and hung up. Then I called Idiot
#2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, Idiot," I said.

He yelled, " If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your butt," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, Idiot, here's your chance. I'm coming over right
now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
34
Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way home to kill my gay
lover.

Then
I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd,
Vaucluse.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just
in time
to watch two idiots beating the crap out of each other in front of six
cop cars,
an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.

Anger Management really works...

ANYBODY WANT TO TRY THIS ???
N O T ME !!!! HAHAHAHA
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walks into a jewelry store to buy his girlfriend
an engagement ring. Looking behind the glass case, he comes
across an exquisite band with a handsome-sized rock in its
center. "Excuse me sir," the gentleman says to the salesman.
"How much is this ring?"
"Ah, that's a beautiful piece," the salesman replies.
"It goes for$10,000."
"My God!" the man exclaimed. "That's a lot of money!"
"Yes, but a diamond is forever."
"Perhaps," the gentleman replied, "But my marriage won't
last that long!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning
enthusiasm for the sport. . .
"These fairways seem to be getting longer and longer,"
said one of the foursome.
"And these hills are getting steeper as the years go by,"
another complained.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them,
too," said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his buddies, the oldest, and the
wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and
said, "Oh my friends, just be thankful we're still on this
side of the grass!"

**** Quickies ****
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."
~
A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
~
Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
~
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
~
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
~
Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
~
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!" Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."
~

A Woman's Prayer:

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man , to love and to
forgive
him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for
Strength, I'll just beat him to death.
~
Someone asked, "What is the most sensitive nerve in the human body?" The preacher answered, "The one that leads to the pocketbook."

DID YA KNOW - DO YA CARE???

George Washington and Herbert Hoover refused to accept a salary as President of the United States. Similarly, John F. Kennedy donated his salary to charities.

The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five
must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in
times of war or other emergencies.

The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston,
Massachusetts) is the only place in the world where a boat can sail
under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane.

Emus cannot walk backwards.

The United States government keeps its supply of silver at the U.S.
Military Academy at West Point, NY.

There are only thirteen blimps in the world. Nine of the thirteen blimps
are in the United States.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears
never stop growing.

David Prowse was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke
all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed
over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie.

Most Americans' car horns beep in the key of 'F".

Camels milk does not curdle.

"Mr. Mojo Risin" is an anagram for Jim Morrison.

The word "modem" is a contraction of the words "modulate, demodulate."
(MOdulate DEModulate)

Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the
"General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.

Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.

Since 1896, the beginning of the modern Olympics, only Greece and
Australia have participated in every Games.

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We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular
recipe,
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**** HEALTH NEWS ****

Rising temps boost diseases

KIGALI, Rwanda, - A new report claims the spread of disease
in Africa will expand and 185 million people will die from
it if global warming is not contained. The charity Christian
Aid issued the report, which says warmer temperatures will
boost the spread of diseases such as malaria, cholera,
dengue fever and meningitis. According to the report titled
"The Climate of Poverty" climate change has pushed
mosquitoes carrying malaria into areas of Tanzania and
Rwanda where they couldn't survive before. It also says East
Africa is being hit by a drought as a result of rising
temperatures. The Times of London said a spread of such
diseases would add to turmoil caused by global warming,
which will set the stage for natural disasters and conflict
over dwindling supplies of water.

Ultra-fat diet may help fight Parkinsons

NEW YORK, -- An experimental ultra-fat diet treatment at
New York's St. Luke's-Roosevelt Medical Hospital Center
may help fight Parkinson's disease. The diet, tried on
five patients, included recipes like eggs baked with cream
cheese, small portions of fish cooked in butter, oil and
mayo, and ground beef mixed with so much heavy cream that
it ran a light brown, USA Today reported Monday. The
results included modest improvements in balance, tremors
and mood. However, they are too preliminary to prove an
effect, said researcher Theodore VanItallie at the
hospital. VanItallie says the trial ultra-fat diet and
other recent studies hint that a diet nearly devoid of
protein and carbohydrates might temper symptoms of several
neurodegenerative disorders including Alzheimer's and Lou
Gehrig's disease, the report said. At the same time,
researchers are aware of higher risks of strokes and
diabetes from such a fat-rich diet. The findings were
published last year in the journal Neurology.

New thyroid surgery available for some

BIRMINGHAM, Ala., -- The "necklace" scar associated with
thyroid surgery is now becoming the "pendant" scar, thanks
to a new U.S. technique for performing that procedure.
"Minimally invasive surgery provides multiple advantages
for people undergoing removal of the thyroid," said Dr.
Glenn Peters, director of the University of Alabama's
division of otolaryngology. Peters said the new surgical
procedure requires an incision slightly longer than an
inch, rather than the 3- to 4-inch surgical scar left at
the base of the neck by conventional surgery. "About 20
percent of patients will be eligible for the less-invasive
approach, which enhances their safety with its video-
assisted, endoscopic techniques," said Peters. "The result
is not only cosmetically better, most patients are now go-
ing home the day of surgery and with less discomfort."

**** Reader's Submissions ****

Power Shut Off After Woman Owes a Penny

FLINT, Mich. - It was just a penny, but to Consumers Energy it was enough to cut off power in a local home. Jacqueline Williams, 41, of Flint had an electricity bill of $1,662.08 and paid all of it, except for one cent. That wasn't enough for the power company, which blacked her out for seven hours Wednesday.

The CMS Energy Corp. subsidiary told Williams the power would not be turned on until the penny was received.

"I went down there, paid my penny and got a receipt," Williams told The Flint Journal.

Shortly after, the electricity was turned back on.

"All of this for one penny," said Williams, who went to the state Department of Human Services for help in April and was told the agency would pay most of the bill.

But she was still short more than $500.

Williams, a Social Security recipient, went to the Salvation Army, where she received $430.67, and Consumers agreed to match $430.66 toward the bill.

However, she was still one cent short.

A Consumers Energy spokesman said that the utility had no choice in the matter, though he was not aware of any similar incidents where service was stopped for one cent.

"This was the first one I've heard about," said Terry DeDoes. He said the company has many programs to help people who fall behind in their utility bills.

Williams said she doesn't want to find herself in the same situation again.

"I'm praying to God I stay on top of my bills," she said.

**** ON THIS DAY ****

**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent. I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.

Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'M NOT REAL SURE BOUT THIS

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****

Mastering the quick change

NASCAR team reports

Teams ready to run wide-open during Saturday's All-Star race.

Story

Labbe suspension sticks

Jarrett's crew chief to miss next four races for sway bar violation.

Story

Extra Mile with Kyle

Catching up after 21st birthday and two great racing weekends.

Story

Subscribe Today: Home Delivery of USA TODAY - Save 35%

**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****

1912 Grant Turner, longtime Grand Ole Opry announcer, born
in Abilene, Texas

1918 Fiddler Paul Warren, a member of Flatt & Scruggs'
Foggy Mountain Boys, born in Lyles, Tenn.

1925 Singer-guitarist Red Smiley (Reno & Smiley) born in
Asheville, N.C.

1925 Singer and TV personality Cousin Herb Henson born in
East St. Louis, Ill.

1928 Grand Ole Opry dancer Ben Smathers born in
Hendersonville, N.C.

1944 Singer-songwriter Jesse Winchester born in Shreveport,
La.

1948 Vocalist Penny DeHaven born in Winchester, Va.

1952 Pat Flynn, guitarist for the New Grass Revival, born
in Los Angeles

1980 Merle Haggard and Clint Eastwood's No. 1 single "Bar
Room Buddies" charted

1966 Wiley Walker, who co-wrote classic "When My Blue Moon
Turns to Gold Again," died at age 54
hall_of_fame
2001 Grand Opening of the new Country Music Hall of Fame &
Museum in downtown Nashville

1933 Jimmie Rodgers recorded "Blue Yodel No. 12 (Barefoot
Blues)" and "The Cowhand's Last Ride" for Victor

1982 Merle Haggard and George Jones recorded the No. 1
single, "Yesterday's Wine," for Epic

**** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

May 17, 2006: The late Buck Owens will be saluted in a special performance by the Academy of Country Music at its 41st awards ceremony next week.

Dwight Yoakam, ZZ Top guitarist and vocalist Billy Gibbons, Brad Paisley, Buddy Alan (son of Buck & Bonnie Owens), original Buck Owens & The Buckaroos steel guitarist Tom Brumley, Chris Hillman (The Byrds) and blink-182/+44 drummer Travis Barker will all play together in the tribute at Tuesday's show. Vince Vaughn will introduce the segment.
Owens, a country music legend who had 21 number 1 country hits died March 25.
He was the Academy of Country Music's very first Top Male Vocalist winner, in 1965; he was also honored with the Academy's most respected honor, the Pioneer Award, in 1988.
"Losing Buck Owens was a real blow to this community, and we wanted to do something special to show the world just how important he was to country music," said Bob Romeo, Executive Director, Academy of Country Music. "We've gotten some fantastic artists together, from all different musical genres, and they're going to honor the man with a musical performance you will never forget."

*******************************
Underwood to Appear on Today Show, Reader's Digest

Carrie Underwood will visit NBC's Today Show on Thursday
(May 18) to talk about the two remaining finalists of the
current American Idol show as well as her own success
since winning the crown in 2005. She will also appear on
the cover of June's Reader's Digest, with covers on Girls
Life and Sweet 16 later this summer. She also made the cut
for Teen People's 25 Hottest Stars Under 25 and can be
found in the current issue of OK! magazine showing off a
series of spring dresses.

**** Amy's Kitchen ****

QUICK SWEDISH MEATBALLS

1 1/2 lb. ground beef
1/2 c. dry bread crumbs
1/2 tsp. salt
1/8 tsp. pepper
1 sm. onion, chopped
1 egg
1/4 tsp. celery seed
1/8 tsp. nutmeg
1 tbsp. oil
1 can cream of mushroom soup
1/4 c. milk

In medium bowl, combine all ingredients except oil; mix well.
Shape into 1 1/2 inch balls. In large fry pan, brown meatballs
in hot oil; drain fat. Mix cream of mushroom soup and milk.
Add to meatballs, simmer covered, at least 15 minutes.

OLD FASHIONED FRIED CORN

6 ears corn, silk removed and washed
Salt to taste
1 teaspoon black pepper
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
1 cup water
Bacon drippings
1/4 cup (1/2 stick) butter or margarine

Cut corn off cob, about half the thickness of the kernel, then scrape cob. Add salt, pepper and flour. Mix with 1 cup water. If too thick, add more water as the corn cooks. Pour corn mixture into a hot skillet that contains bacon drippings. As corn cooks, add margarine or butter. Cook over medium heat until corn bubbles, stirring constantly. Reduce heat to low. Let cook for about 30 minutes, stirring often. A crust will form around and on the bottom of the skillet when done. The crust will be sweet and chewy.

CORN FRITTERS FOR ONE

1/3 c Cream-style corn or grated Fresh corn
1 Egg separated
1 tb Flour
1 tb Cornmeal Salt and pepper
1 tb Milk
1 ts Vegetable oil or enough to coat the bottom of a small skillet

Grease the skillet 1.

Place the corn in a small bowl and add the egg yolk flour meal salt and pepper. Stir well and mix in the milk.

2. Beat the egg white stiff and fold it in.

3. Oil a small skillet or griddle and spoon in the batter in desired quantities.

4. Brown on both sides over medium low heat.

It makes about seven small tablespoon sized cakes.

**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

Are there natural ways to help me sleep?

Insomnia and sleeplessness generally fall into three categories:

1. "Initial" insomnia: where you have difficulty in falling asleep, generally taking 30 minutes or longer to fall into a sleep state.

2. "Middle" insomnia: where after falling asleep you have problems maintaining a sleep state, often remaining awake until the early morning hours.

3. "Late" or "Terminal" insomnia: where you awake early in the morning after less than 6 hours of sleep.

Insomnia can be the symptom of some medical conditions that may require your doctor's advice and medical care. In those cases the cause will be treated, not the insomnia.

If, however, your sleeplessness is due to a pattern of not sleeping, or because your body and mind find it difficult to settle into a state of relaxation necessary for sleep, here are some tips for achieving healthy sleep without the use of prescription drugs:

* A great evening cocktail for one or two is two cups of lettuce leaves pressed down tightly, combined in a blender with two cups of pineapple juice. This is more effective fresh than leftover, so reduce the amounts if there's no one to share.

* The best herb to help with deep relaxation and sleep is valerian extract, or valerian root. You can pick up bottles of it (available in capsule form, and sometimes in teas) at your local supermarket in the vitamin and herb section. Valerian extract/root is completely harmless, 100% natural, and actually works better than most all over the counter sleeping pills.

* Try counting backwards slowly. I imagine myself writing numbers, starting at 10 down to 1. If I get to 1, I start over. Or, imagine the beach (or some other soothing place). Or, try to invent a children's story in your head. Any of these help me fall asleep when I can't.

* It may sound weird, but eating a peanut butter sandwich right before you go to bed may help you fall asleep. It works because of the trytophan in the peanuts. Try adding slices of banana too since it has trytophan as well.

* A cup of Chamomile tea (no sugar) before you go do bed.

Hope this helps.

****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
A man is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished.

TOON TIME