We had invited our friends William and Samantha to our home to watch a video, and William's 94-year-old mother accompanied them. During the show we noticed William nodding off. As his head dropped lower, it startled him awake. He jumped up and told his wife it was time to leave as his mother must be getting tired. Grandma tapped his hand and pointed out to him who was really tired. She then looked at me. "Dear," she said, "the next time you invite me, I'll be sure to leave the children at home."
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A minister and a congressman arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter greeted both of them and gave them their room assignments. "Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you Mr. Congressman, the keys to our nicest penthouse suite."

"What is the deal? asked the minister. "This is unfair!"

"Listen," said Saint Peter," ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first congressman we've ever seen."
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The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic mist machine to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle.

So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle
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My three-year old daughter was talking to me while I shaved. The topic
was cartoons, television and reality. She was going into great detail
about the characters in the Dragon Tales cartoon. When she finished I
said, "Honey, are cartoons real?" "No." was her brief reply. "Is TV
real?" I said looking at her. "No." "I'm glad you know those things
aren't real," I said patting her head. "You know what's real?" she asked
wide-eyed. "You tell me." "Monsters are real!" she said walking out. "No
they're not!" I called after her. "Yes they are!" "No they're not!" "Yes
they are!" "No, honey," I said. "Those scary things that occasionally
come into our house is only Mommy's family..."
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My sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for
protection. As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her,
"He doesn't like men." "Perfect," my sister-in-law thought and took the
dog. Then one day she was approached by two men in a parking lot, and
she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react. Soon it became
clear the the trainer wasn't kidding. As the men got closer, the dog ran
under the nearest car.
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The old lady had been married for many years when suddenly her husband
died. This is what she put on his tombstone: "The Light of My Life Has
Gone Out." Not long afterward she met, fell in love with and married
another man. After thinking at some length about it, she went to the
gravestone cutter and had him add a little postscript. The tombstone now
reads: "The Light of My Life Has Gone out P.S. I Found A Match"
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The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences
out on the range. Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the
Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the
precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and
exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."
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I dialed a wrong number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring
enough to call. I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return
your call, you are one of the changes."
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Recently we called a business phone number and heard the
following: If you are calling from a touch-tone phone,
press one now. If you are calling from a rotary phone,
hang up and call back from a touch-tone phone.
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Heard on my cable-company's answering machine: We realize
you are still holding. Please do not hang up as this will further delay
your call.
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When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the
psychiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware of your problem,"
the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the
Heavens and the Earth..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really
something special." asked Little Johnny. "To tell the truth, I'm really
disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him
to sing like a bird." replied Mike. "What? Let me get this straight . .
. You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like
a bird?" questioned Little Johnny. "Well, yeah. After all, you know,
he's a parrot fish." explained Mike. Little Johnny says, "Now listen,
Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never
going to get anywhere with a parrot fish." Mike replies, "That's what
you think! It just so happens this fish can sing. The thing is, this
fish is terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard
it is to tuna fish?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While I was waiting at the airline ticket counter, I watched passengers'
luggage ride the conveyor belt, disappearing after the bags hit the rubber
strips hanging in front of the luggage exit. I noticed the strips all bore
portions of stickers which had rubbed off the luggage as it passed through.
As I studied them, it was obvious what message most of the stickers bore: Fragile.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young married couple lived in a cheap housing complex. Their
chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they
had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when one morning the
husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone.
She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her
neighbor. "Give this to your husband," he said thrusting a roll of
toilet paper into her hands. "He's been yelling for it for 15
minutes!"
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This one always makes the rounds at this time of year,
and it always brings a smile to my face

After long months of cold & winter, we are finally coming up to summer &
BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the
etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking. It is the only type of cooking
a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger
involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, & makes dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the necessary cooking utensils & sauces, & takes it to the man who is
lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:
4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....
5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates & cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He
thanks her & asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the
situation.

Important again:
7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL & HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine.....
8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces
& brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table & does the dishes.

And most important of all:
10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN & THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a
curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the
exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly, she looked up suspiciously at her husband.
"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our
invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that?
I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you"?
"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I, I couldn't spell convenience, so I made it risk."
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