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Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

DAY MAY ,2006


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: "Getting old is when
a narrow waist and a broad mind change places!"

In Honor of Stupid People

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).


On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner!

No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???.....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????....)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness.."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~EDIE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly couple was having dinner at another couple's house, and after their meal,
the wives left the table to go to the kitchen.
The two elderly gents were talking, and one says:
"Last night we went out to a fabulous new restaurant. I'd highly recommend it."
The other man says: "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying:
"Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"
His friend replies: "A carnation?"
"No, no. The other one," the man says.
His friend suggests, "The poppy?"
"No, no, no," growls the man.
"You know - the one that is red and has thorns."
His friend says: "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells:
"Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.
Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each
other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of
the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming
emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion:
"If we close all the windows, get out, get back in, then open the windows again, maybe it'll work!?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Then there was the guy who loved nothing better than to sit at nearby bar for long evenings
and get stoned with his cronies. But his wife was a social climber, and was prone to
having her "ladies" in for bridge etc.
This one night she didn't want him to be around embarrassing her, so she told him to stay
out as late as he wished, just don't come in and make another scene.
Well, he came in the back door a little early, as she was preparing tea and some delicate little
sandwiches, and was infuriated at his early return home.
"You keep your mouth shut, and go upstairs to bed" she told him.
"Oh, relax,"says he, "I'll just take a cup of coffee, say good evening to the ladies, and I'll be gone."
"Just keep your mouth shut," says she again.
Well, when she finally went back into the living room, all the ladies were gone, and he sat there
alone. She 'flipped' and told him she was going to divorce him and take everything he had, but he said,
"wait a minute, you have to hear my side of the story."
"I came in here , sat down, and said good evening to the ladies, and they carried on. One lady
said she was having trouble with mice in her house, and another lady suggested she stuff their holes
with steel wool, and all I said was, who is going to hold their little legs while you do it? 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walks into his doctor's office and says,

"Doctor, I've eaten  something that disagrees with me."

A voice from the man's stomach says, "No, you haven't."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The unhappy bill collector made a personal trip to speak to a man
concerning
a series of long overdue bills and offer some advice to the guy on
managing
money.

"Why do you let that wife of yours spend so much more money than the two
of
you make without objecting?" the collector asked.

"Because," the husband replied. "I'd rather argue with you than with
her."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Widow woman
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob.

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy.

I'm afraid I did...why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)


Now keep that smile for the rest of the day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mary Sue was visiting the big city for the first time in her life. She
checks into her hotel and the bellboy takes her bags. She follows the
boy, and as the door closes, she looks around and shakes her fist at
him. "Young man -- I may be old and straight from the hills, but that
don't mean I'm stupid! I paid *good* money and this room won't do at
ALL! It's too small, there's no ventilation, no TV -- there's not even a
BED!" "Ma'am, this is the elevator."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My husband, Greg, and I attempted snorkelling for the first time during a vacation in the Bahamas. I thought it would be romantic to hold hands underwater, and so I reached out and grabbed Greg's hand. We continued paddling around until I noticed we were very close to a coral reef. Having been warned of the dangers, I pulled on Greg's hand to direct him away from the reef. When I met resistance, I stood up to stop him, and was shocked to find myself holding hands with a complete stranger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Even after 35 years of marriage my parents do everything together. They left on their usual errands early one morning and returned from shopping around 3 p m. When my mother realized that they had forgotten to pick up the birthday cake for a party that night, she decided to go herself to pick it up.

An hour later she returned laughing uproariously. "You know you've been spending a lot of time with your husband," she told me, "when you run to the store yourself, pay the cashier, return to the car, get into the passenger side...and wait impatiently for your husband to drive you home!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Broadway theatrical producer and director was once stopped by a man who had mistaken him for Howard Hughes. "You look different, Mr. Hughes" the man said, "You seem shorter than the Mr. Hughes I remember."

"I am" the director said, "by just about eighty million dollars"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."

"I don't know about that," answered a blonde woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."

"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.

"I hardly think so!" responded the blonde lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A fussy eater, my nine-year-old asked me to buy multigrain bread. Pleased that he wanted such a healthy food, I bought a loaf while shopping one day. The next morning as I made his sandwich for school, I told him I was happy he liked multigrain bread. "I don't," he said. "But the kid I give my sandwiches to does
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Around the beginning of the school year, my twin sister was talking to a guy in her history class. Apparently the same guy was in my English class but didn't realize there were two of us. He came up to my sister and said, "Hi Sarah."

My sister corrected him. "No, I'm Jennifer."

He got really confused and asked, "Well, how come they call you Sarah in English class?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If your wife doesn't feel well, gentlemen, do what I do to speed her recovery ... offer to help with the housework. If you don't think there's such a thing as a miracle recovery, you ought to see my wife get well again every time I start to vacuum the windows.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young boy of four was going into hospital to have his
tonsils removed. He told his playmate I'll be gone for awhile
I have to have surgery. On the day he was admitted his mother
asked Dr. could you please circumcise him while he is asleep.
The Dr.  agreed.  The boy woke up and was very sore down there
for several days.
After about a week he got to see his playmate again.  The
playmate informed him that he was also going to have to have
his tonsils out soon.  He asked him to tell him about the surgery.
The little boy replied 'all I can tell you is your tonsils
ain't where you think they are.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old Jewish man, Mr. Goldberg, dies and his family
is planning the funeral. The local rabbi, they
discover, is on a trip to Israel. After many telephone
calls, they manage to reach a rabbi from the next
town; he agrees to officiate at the funeral the next day.
After chanting the "Kaddish" and "El Molay Rachamim"
the rabbi begins his eulogy.
"We are here to mourn the passing of our friend, Mr.
Goldberg, a respected citizen and honored member of
the community,"
Suddenly, an old man jumps up and says, "What are you
talking about, Rabbi? This man was a gonnif, a momzer,
and would cheat his own grandmother for fifty cents!
"The rabbi decides to take another approach, "We are
here to mourn the passing of our friend Mr. Goldberg,
a patron of the synagogue and dedicated Talmudic
scholar."
Again the old man jumps up and says, "Are you
meshuggeh, Rabbi? This man hasn't been in a shul since
his bar mitzvah!"
Again, the rabbi begins his eulogy, "We are here to
mourn the passing of our friend, Mr. Goldberg, a
loving husband and dedicated father."
Once again the old man jumps up and says, "Rabbi, you
obviously didn't know Goldberg. He cheated on his wife
whenever he could and he never had time to spend with
his children!"
At this point, the rabbi is at a loss for words.
Finally, he says, "My friends, have we not as Jews
suffered from the insults and prejudices of our
neighbors? Must we stoop to their level and speak ill
of our own people? Surely, there is someone in this
congregation who knew Mr. Goldberg and can say
something good  and kind about his life."
After an entire minute of silence, the old man stands
up again and says, "His brother was worse!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**** Quickies ****

"You wouldn't sleep with Angelina Jolie for a million dollars, would you?", asked the cuddling wife. "Don't be ridiculous", said the husband. "How am I gonna raise a million dollars?"
~
"A burrito a day keeps everyone away." - Maxine
~
Our three young children were housebound one dreary day, and the noise level was high. Samantha, our middle child, was practising harmonic intervals on the piano when she hollered across the room, "Dad, do you know what a 'fourth' is?"

"Yes," he replied, "it's something we never even considered."
~
After hours of travelling on the bus, I and, I'm sure, most of the passengers were bored, but the monotony was suddenly broken. We spotted on a hilltop along the rolling, barren prairie, an old stove with the oven door wide open. Nearby was a large sign that read, OPEN RANGE
~
Husband: Wouldn't it be fun to go the Holy Land and stand on Mount Sinai and shout out the Ten Commandments?

Wife: It would be better if you stayed home and kept them
~
First cowboy: Why are you wearing only one spur?

Second cowboy: Well, I figure when one side of the horse starts running, the other side will too
~
A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true. "I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed. The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."
~
Peter: "What would you like to do today?"

Martin: "I'm not sure. Let's think..."

Peter: "No, let's do something that you can do, too."
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**** Reader's Submissions ****

All the Time in the World . . . -Unknown While at the park one day, a woman sat down next to a man on a bench near a playground. "That's my son over there," she said, pointing to a little boy in a red sweater who was gliding down the slide. "He's a fine looking boy," the man said. "That's my son on the swing in the blue sweater." Then, looking at his watch, he called to his son. "What do you say we go, Todd?" Todd pleaded, "Just five more minutes, Dad. Please? Just five more minutes." The man nodded and Todd continued to swing to his heart's content. Minutes passed and the father stood and called again to his son. "Time to go now?" Again Todd pleaded, "Five more minutes, Dad. Just five more minutes." The man smiled and said, "Okay." "My, you certainly are a patient father," the woman responded. The man smiled and then said, "My older son Tommy was killed by a drunk driver last year while he was riding his bike near here. I never spent much time with Tommy and now I'd give anything for just five more minutes with him. I've vowed not to make the same mistake with Todd. "He thinks he has five more minutes to swing. The truth is . . . I get five more minutes to watch him play."

CARRIE

**** ON THIS DAY ****

**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent.  I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!
 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
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Subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 **** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****

Hornish dominates pole day

Bernstein 10-1 in finals

Takes Top Fuel crown at Pontiac Performance Nationals.

Story

Three straight for Bourdais

Champ Car driver keeps streak alive with win in Monterrey.

Story

Hornish wrecks in practice

Pole-sitter crashes backup car while working on setup at Indy.

Story

Subscribe Today: Home Delivery of USA TODAY - Save 35%

**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****

1921 Martha Carson born in Neon, Ky.  

1924 Musician and music publisher Lester Wilburn born  
in Hardy, Ark.  

1940 Mickey Newbury born in Houston, Texas  
  
1979 The Bellamy Brothers "If I Said You Have A Beautiful  
Body Would You Hold It Against Me" went to No. 1  

1987 Randy Travis' "Forever And Ever, Amen" went to No. 1  
  
1966 Eddy Arnold debuted at Carnegie Hall  
  
1965 Roger Miller's "King Of The Road" single certified  
gold  
  
1952 Hank Snow recorded the classic single, "(Now and  
Then, There's) A Fool Such As I"  
  
1992 Billy Ray Cyrus' debut album, Some Gave All,  
released


   
COUNTRY MUSIC VIDEO

Waylon Jennings - Me and Bobby McGee  
(Current rating - 5!)   
 
Click here: http://www.evtv1.com/player.aspx?itemnum=1905  
<a href="http://www.evtv1.com/player.aspx?itemnum=1905">  
Waylon Jennings - Me and Bobby McGee</a>   


 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

  Kidman Confirms Engagement to Urban  

After months of dodging the question, Nicole Kidman has  
confirmed to People magazine that she and Keith Urban are  
engaged. Urban was with Kidman in New York on Saturday  
(May 13) when she hosted the 30th anniversary gala for  
the United Nations Development Fund for Women (UNIFEM).  
Kidman serves as goodwill ambassador for the organization  
that works to politically and economically empower women  
around the world. During a Monday interview with the  
magazine, Kidman said of Urban, "He's actually my fianc?.  
I wouldn't be bringing my boyfriend." No wedding date has  
been announced. Kidman was previously married to actor  
Tom Cruise.   
*****************************************
 

May 21, 2006: Grand Ole Opry star Billy walker, 77, was killed in a car accident Sunday in Alabama along with his wife and two band members. Walker, known as the Tall Texan, first hit the charts in 1954 with "Thank You for Calling." Throughout his career, he had 65 songs hit the charts, including a number one of "Charlie's Shoes" in 1962. Prior to that he was a regular on the Big D Jamboree radio show in Dallas as The Masked Singer in 1949. he also acted in the movies "Second Fiddle to a Steel Guitar" and "Red River Round Up." Walker had escaped death once before - he was slated to be in the ill-fated plane that killed Buddy Holly, Patsy Cline, The Big Bopper and Hackshaw Hawkins. Walker had an emergency and had to return home. Hawkins overheard Walker's problem and switched tickets. Killed Sunday were Bettie Walker, 61, and band members Charles Lilly, 44 and Daniel Patton, 40, all of Tennessee. Walker's grandson, Joshua Brooks, 21, was hospitalized in critical condition following the crash in which their car apparently ran off an interstate highway near Montgomery, Ala. * * * * * * * May 19, 2006: The Epic label imprint will be no more, and about 20 Sony Nashville staffers are being laid off, Billboard if reporting. Getting rid of the label and the layoffs resulted from the recent decision to fold Sony into the RCA/BNA/Arista labels. The Columbia imprint will exist as part of the SonyBMG corporate structure. Billboard also said decisions about the Epic roster of artists was likely by June 30. The roster currently includes Gretchen Wilson, Miranda Lambert, Rodney Billboard said that SonyBMG CEO Joe Galante said in a memo to employees that future CD releases from "relevant artists" will have the Columbia Nashville imprint.

**** Amy's Kitchen ****  

FOIL PACKET GRILLED TATERS AND ONIONS  

4 rec potatoes, sliced thin  
1 red onion, sliced thin  
1 teaspoon salt  
1 teaspoon ground black pepper  
4 tablespoons butter  

Preheat your grill to medium heat. Measure out 2 or  
3 sheets of aluminum foil large enough to easily  
wrap the vegetables, and layer one on top of the  
other. Place potatoes and onion in the center,  
sprinkle with salt and pepper, and dot with butter.  
Wrap into a flattened square, and seal the edges.  
Place aluminum wrapped package over medium heat,  
and cover. Cook for approximately 30 minutes,  
turning once. Serve hot right off the grill.  

Yield: 4 Servings