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Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
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than it is to get wiser

TUESDAY MAY 23,2006


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Travel is educational.
You learn how to get rid of your money in a hurry.

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REDNECK RULES FOR CALLING SHOTGUN

If there are to be two or more passengers when traveling by automobile,
one must call out "shotgun" in order to secure for him/herself the
right-front passenger seat. This seat is obviously the most desirable.

It offers such advantages as:

~ more leg room
~ own personal vanity mirror
~ ease of egress and ingress
~ social prestige
~ panoramic view
~ air-bag safety feature
~ better aim for throwing beer bottles at stop signs
~ rapid exit in case of beer-retainment reversal

Historically, the shotgun position originated during the days of the
horse-drawn wagon. Since the driver had to handle the reins, another
person with a shotgun was needed next to him/her to fend off attacks
from bandits, outlaws, and galloping Amway salesmen.

The Rules:

1. Even if the other passenger is your grandmother with a broken leg, if
she does not call "shotgun" first, her butt is going into the back seat.

2. If two people call "shotgun" at the same time, a fistfight will
determine the ultimate winner--unless the contestants are girls. In that
case, the trip is put off while the men get to watch them fight, or a
"pout-off" can be held instead.

3. If the trip is interrupted for over 4 minutes (ie. fuel or potty
stops), the "shotgun" passenger loses all of his/her rights, and open
season on the coveted position begins again.

4. A "shotgun" winner must expect and be willing to put up
with a large portion of physical harassment from the backseat "shotgun"
loser. Scratching, hair pulling, and attempts at strangulation are all
fully legal and come with the territory.

5. Pre-'shotgun" calling is strictly prohibited and punishable by worse
that what you get for pulling the tag off a mattress.

6. A "shotgun" call from a 265-pound linebacker automatically cancels
out a "shotgun" call from anybody else.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A newspaper editor received this note from a reader: "My wife was about to file for a divorce when she read the article in your paper about the importance of giving second chances in making a marriage work. So she changed her mind about the divorce. Effective today, cancel my subscription to your paper"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In 1947 Milton Berle was one of the biggest names in comedy. But as his career rose, his marriage failed, leading to a divorce from his wife Joyce Mathews. Two years later, Berle and Mathews got married for the second time. Why marry the same woman all over again? "Because" Berle explained to reporters, "she reminds me of my first wife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have a friend, Brandy, who was told if you gargle with paroxide it will make your teeth whiter. When she did it her gums also turned white. Being the bright blonde that she is, she panicked and ate a piece of red candy to turn her gums back pink. Needless to say her newly whitened teeth were also red.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas,"
little Joshua said to his uncle the first time he saw
him after the holidays.  "It's the best Christmas
present I ever got."
"That's great," said his uncle.  "Do you know how to play it?"
"Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said.  "My mom
gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day
and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for five years. One day the supermarket
gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is real excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines.
The manager says no.
The bagger says, "But I've been working here for 5 years, why can't I run the juice machines?"
The manager goes, "I'm sorry, son, but, baggers can't be juicers." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful
pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies
and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he
notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious
intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep doo doo
now." Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately
settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man,
that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around
here?" Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a
look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew,"
says the leopard, "That was close. That dog nearly had me." Meanwhile, a
monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures
he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from
the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the
leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The
monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a
deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made
a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to
happen to that conniving canine." Now the dog sees the leopard coming
with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers
pretending he hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to
hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I
sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's
still not back!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became  
upset. "You're running around with other women," she told  
her mate.  

"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded.  
"You know you're the only woman on earth."  

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be  
awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling  
Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.  

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.  

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A teenager was always asking his father if he could borrow  
the family car. Pushed to the limit, the father asked his  
son why he thought "The Almighty" had given him two feet.  

Without hesitation, the son replied, "That's easy, one for  
the clutch and one for the accelator."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I'm very proud to say that everyone in our audience is a  
member of the United States military. We have the Marines,  
the Air Force, the Coastguard, the Army, the Navy...the  
only ones not here are members of the elite Delta Force,  
they are in Malibu rescuing Britney Spears' baby from the  
front seat of his mom's car. The baby is locked in back-  
wards." --Jay Leno  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I work as a cashier at a supermarket that was celebrating its grand re-opening. To draw customers, we were mailing out coupons for various free items, such as eggs, soda, chips, etc. The coupon for the chips was very specific: it had to be a 13 1/4 bag of Lays Potato Chips.

One lady was a bit confused. Upon handing me her bag of chips and the corresponding coupon, she said, "The coupon says thirteen and one fourth, but I guess this is close enough, right?" I checked. The net weight of the bag was given as 13.25 ounces. I looked up, certain she was joking.

She wasn't.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A restored water powered grain mill has been turned into a public attraction and several historic buildings have been moved to the grounds.

The guide, telling about a two story house, explained that the upper story was added several years after the lower part. One family insisted on knowing where the builders found an upper story that fit. The guide explained that "they just built it," but the family still insisted on knowing where the builders found an upper story that fit. Finally, in exasperation, the guide said, "They bought it at Sears."

The family went away happy, apparently not aware that the house had been built long before Sears had ever been conceived.

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**** HEALTH NEWS ****

Blood pressure, cognition tied in elderly  

NEW YORK, -- A new study suggests a wide variance in "sys-  
tolic" and "diastolic" blood pressure affects mental ability  
in the very elderly. The new findings mainly affect patients  
80 years of age and older, said researchers who presented  
the new data at the annual meeting of the American Society  
of Hypertension in New York. The researchers looked at blood  
pressure and cognitive function in 101 Japanese outpatients  
receiving treatment for chronic diseases such as hypertension,  
hyperlipidemia, diabetes, chronic gastritis and osteoporosis.  
"Although clinicians may be reluctant to treat older patients  
aggressively, perhaps because of perceived lower benefits or  
possible increased risk of medication side effects, these  
findings show the potential value of interventions," said  
Kenichi Sakakura of the Public Kiwa Clinic in Kumano, Mie,  
Japan. The goal of the study was to evaluate the association  
between pulse pressure and cognitive function in the very  
elderly, specifically those over 80 years old. Cognitive  
function was tested in five areas: orientation, registration,  
attention and calculation, recall, and language. "These  
results further validate previous indications that variable  
blood pressure has an effect on cognitive function in the  
very elderly," Sakakura said. "However, very little data  
exists to support these theories, and more research is need-  
ed to confirm the full impact of blood pressure on cognitive  
function in these patients."   

Generic statins get boost come June  

WASHINGTON, -- A survey of HMOs, cardiologists and physi-  
cians finds Lipitor sales will drop when generic versions  
of statins become available. A study by pharmaceutical  
research group Decision Resources Inc. found 56 percent  
of primary care doctors and 53 percent of cardiologists  
will prescribe generic versions after the cholesterol-  
lowering Zocor, made by Merck, loses its patent in June.  
The survey found sales of Lipitor, made by Pfizer, will  
be hit the hardest because after the generics, doctors  
will turn to a priced-down Zocor next. And a look at 20  
HMOs found plans to aggressively move patients to the  
generics by offering free samples and issuing stricter  
guidelines.   

Scientists study the 'apple a day' theory  

DAVIS, Calif., -- California scientists say they've deter-  
mined just how an apple a day might be able to keep the  
doctor away. The University of California-Davis researchers  
have discovered one way in which flavonoid-rich apples  
inhibit the kinds of cellular activity that lead to the  
development of chronic diseases, including heart disease  
and age-related cancers. "We've known for a long time that  
it's the flavonoids in fruits that are protecting the body.  
We just haven't known exactly how," said Eric Gershwin,  
professor of allergy, rheumatology and immunology at the UC-  
Davis School of Medicine. "Now, at least in the case of  
apples, we have a good idea about what's going on." Gershwin  
and his colleagues found apple extract is able to protect  
cells from damage and death by interfering with communica-  
tion between cells. Earlier studies showed flavonoids --  
found in chocolate and green tea, as well as other fruits  
and vegetables -- behave as anti-oxidants, taking up free  
oxygen radicals that can damage DNA. The UC Davis study  
takes that research further by looking beyond the antioxi-  
dant effects of apple flavonoids. The study appears in the  
latest issue of the journal Experimental Biology and  
Medicine.  



**** Reader's Submissions ****

FINAL ROLL CALL
by
CARROLL R. MICHAUD

Did you hear the sad news today?
Another veteran warrior has passed away.
Called by the Supreme Commander over all.
Today he has made his final roll call.

Come fellow vets; let us reverently bow and pray
For our valiant comrade, who has fallen this day.
We'll drape his casket with a banner of beautiful hues,
Those glorious American colors: red, white and blue.

That star spangled banner he gallantly fought to defend,
Unyielding and undaunted, he fought to win.
He fought bravely and he passed the battle test.
Now the Supreme Commander grants him, "eternal rest".

With dignity and honor, we'll commit his body to the ground,
The bugler will sound "Taps" and we'll fire the volley rounds.
The final military honors we'll render somberly and ever so sadly;
"Old Glory" we'll solemnly precisely fold and reverently give to his
family.

Each Memorial Day we will recall our fallen comrade names,
And attest that their selfless sacrifices were not in vain;
For this lasting legacy they gave to all generations;
"It's honorable to respect our flag and to defend our great nation."

So close ranks aging warriors, for our ranks are thinning.
We must keep on fighting and keep on winning.
With pride and honor we'll march and stand tall,
And we'll proudly - proudly - salute "Old Glory"
'til we too make our final roll call.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 The Ole Fritzbear in Chicago.
Fred Crawford

**** ON THIS DAY ****

Golden Footprints. Once upon a time, there was a young woman named Sarah who lived in the village below the Mountain of the Golden Footprints. She was feeling very sad and depressed.  Nothing or no one could make her happy.  She had been very unhappy and depressed for a long time.  What is the use of going on, she asked?  Nothing anyone said seemed to make a difference. Her best friend went to visit Sarah and told her the story of the Mountain of the Golden Footprints.  It is a special place whereas the sun sets you can look out over the city and see sparkling golden footprints on the places and people where you have made a difference.  But I haven't made any difference in anyone's life, she said.  There won't be any golden footprints for me to see.  So why should I bother to go here? But, said her friend, If you don't see any golden footprints, there is a special village on the other side of the mountain.  That is a place for all those people who haven't made a difference.  It is comfortable and very pretty and there you can be happy.  So you see, you have other options besides not going on with your life.  If you went to the village on the other side of the mountain, I would miss you, but it would be better than your not being alive.  You have nothing to lose. So Sarah decided to give it a try.  After all, she only wanted to do something.  She could not go on the way she was.  Besides, although she was sure she would not see any golden footprints, she had a little glimmer of hope that going there would make a difference in her life.  The village on the other side of the mountain also sounded like it could be a place where she could be happy. She walked up the path to the top of the Mountain of the Golden Footprints. It was a long walk and sometimes very difficult, but she had made the decision to go to the top and continued on, although sometimes she just wanted to stop climbing and curl up and cease to exist.  She reached to top and came to the lookout point.  She was greeted by a woman called Faith who watched over the Mountain of the Golden Footprints. Sarah sat on a rock at the top of the mountain and looked out over her village far below.  Although the sun was not setting yet, she felt inside as though she were looking out over her life.  She could see her house and the house of her friend, the house of her parents, her school, and many places from her childhood.  She remembered many things as she looked out over these places, some sad and some happy.  And as she was thinking about her life, the sun began to set. She did not really pay any attention since she did not expect to see any golden footprints.  But soon a golden twinkling light began to appear in the park in the middle of the village.  She did not still believe it could possibly be a Golden Footprint.  Look, Faith said excitedly, There is your first Golden Footprint!" But how could that be, asked Sarah?  I don't ever remember anything I did in the park that could have possibly made a difference. That is my department, answered Faith.  I have watched people make Golden Footprints from this mountain top for many years.  I remember all the Golden Footprints happenings. One day a long time ago, when you were a little child, you went laughing through the park.  There was a man sitting there who had just left his wife and child over a silly argument.  He heard your laughter and missed his child so much that he returned to this family and lived with them happily ever after. Well, that was kind of accidental.  I certainly didn't know I had done that, said Sarah.  As she finished speaking, another golden sparkling footprint appeared on the house of her friend.  Well, you have loved your friend very much.  Remember when she was very sick?  You went to see her and brought her flowers and stayed with her and talked many hours and you held her hand.  If you had not done that, she would not have survived. But how could that be, asked Sarah?  I'm not a doctor.  I do not give medicine. How could I have saved her life?  The doctor gave her good medicine, but you gave her hope.  You gave her strength and courage, so that her body could make the medicine work. And as she finished speaking, the valley below was aglow with Golden Footprints.  There was one on the school where her smile and love for learning had inspired a fellow student to stay in school and become a great philosopher.  There was one over a tree that she had planted in the yard of her house, and one over the flowers that she had planted.  There was one over the place where her stubbornness had convinced the King that the village needed a smoother road for travelers, and he had smiled at her outspokenness and feisty nature. There was a footprint right on top of the roof of her house.  That was where she had taken her children one night to watch the stars.  There was one over the pub in the village.  There was where she had met her husband and where they had fallen in love. I had forgotten all those things, said Sarah.  I was so depressed that I only remembered the sad things and not the good things.  I guess I have made a difference.  And you will in the future said Faith.  There are stars to show your grandchildren and a birthday to spare with your friend.  And your husband needs a romantic evening at the pub. Sarah sat for a long time until the sun had set and the Golden Footprints disappeared and the lights of the village were lit in the streets and homes below and flickered, not as Golden Footprints, but as tiny footprints of fireflies. Soon Sarah would start the climb down the mountain, guided by the tiny lights below. Sarah smiled and thanked Faith.  She started on her way down the mountain and knew that someday she would tell others about the Mountain of the Golden Footprints and make a difference in their lives too. Always remember you DO make a difference to many people whose lives you touch every single day.  .  .  including me. ~ Author Unknown

**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent.  I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!
 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies
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