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Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

THURSDAY MAY 25,2006


THOUGHT FOR TODAY:This year I'm trying a new strategy with
my lawn. I'm planting the weeds first in hopes that the grass will take over.

It was our cat's first winter. When a raging blizzard came up suddenly, we tried frantically to find Cinderella, calling her repeatedly and poking into snowdrifts around the stoop where she liked to hide.

Finally I called the police station to inquire if a "found" cat had been reported. The sergeant listened politely to my complaint, and assured me that cats had been known to live through terrible storms. "Cinderella," I added on a hopeful note, "is exceptionally intelligent. In fact, she almost talks."

"In that case, lady," replied the officer, "hang up. She's probably trying to call you now."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My teenaged niece Elizabeth was nervous as she took the wheel for her
first
driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the
parking lot, the instructor said, "Turn left here, and don't forget
to let
the people behind you know what you're doing."
Elizabeth turned to the students sitting in the backseat and
announced, "I'm going left."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jim was having reasonable success playing the stock market
when George expressed a desire to give it a try. Jim advised him on
what stocks to buy, what to stay clear of, etc. In his list
of "pointers" was the fact that George should invest only small sums.
But George threw caution to the winds and six months later sent an
email to Jim, "So much for your darn "pointers! Now send me
some "retrievers!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I once owned a beagle, Clarence. Admittedly, Clarence barked a lot. My neighbour, Charlie, often mentioned this fact to me. One cold winter night my wife went outside to investigate the reason why Clarence's barking sounded unusual. On the ice-covered lake near our house she discovered a young man, hurt and in shock after a snowmobile accident. She summoned help and got him inside the house, then called an ambulance. She was told that he could have frozen to death. The young man was Charlie's grandson, Mike. Charlie came over the next day with two thick T-bone steaks and said, "These are for the dog, and it's okay if he barks."

Some years later while I was away camping, my dog died. But everything was taken care of - by Mike. He buried Clarence right at the spot the dog had barked for help that cold winter night, saving Mike's life. (Ron Hendersen)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I played baseball we used a broom handle and a rubber ball. A manhole cover was home plate, a fire hydrant was first base, second base was a lamppost, and Mr. Gitletz who used to bring a kitchen chair down to watch us play was third base. One time I slid into Mr. Gitletz. He caught the ball and tagged me out." (George Burns)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Dad got my Mom a lab puppy for her birthday, and she's been having it sleep with her in their bed.

A day or two after she got it we were all sitting around and my Dad was holding the puppy on his lap. My Mom was talking about the new puppy and she nodded over to my Dad and said, "He was really good in bed last night."

My Dad started grinning as I asked, "Really? And how was the puppy?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Husband in movie: "Can you see, dear?"

Wife: "Yes."

Husband: "Is your seat comfortable?"

Wife: "Yes."

Husband: "Is there a draft on you?"

Wife: "No."

Husband: "Good! Let's trade seats."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman was terribly overweight,
so her Doctor put her on a diet.
Doctor Say's "I want you to eat
regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,
and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you,
I bet you will have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the woman returned,
she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!"
the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The woman nodded Yes,
"I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third
day."
The Doctor looking somewhat puzzled Say's: "From hunger you mean? "No,
From Skipping."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A private was rushing into the Army PX when he bumped into the Colonel and almost knocked him down.

"Oops," said the private and went on in.

The Colonel stopped him and said, "Hold it soldier, don't you see these two eagles on my shoulder?"

"No," said the private, "and you wouldn't either if you laid off that PX beer." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My husband's job as mall manager puts him in daily contact with mischievous and runaway children. So, during the holiday rush when a boisterous two-year-old sped by him in a crowded department store, his arm reached down automatically and fielded the child. He led the tot back to its mother, who, instead of being grateful, gave the manager a look of utter disgust.

"Look, wise guy," she said acidly, "did you have to catch him so fast?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge: You are charged with throwing your mother-in-law out of your fourth-story window.

Defendant: I did it without thinking, your Honor.

Judge: Yes, but don't you see how dangerous it might have been for anyone passing at the time?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone.

There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Early one morning on the lake, two men sat silently in a boat, casting for trout. They kept very still so as not to frighten away the fish. After a while, one moved his feet just a bit. The other said, "What is it with you? Did you come out here to fish or to dance?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The young lady walked over to the room where she knew her friend was.
"May I see Irving, please?" she asked the woman blocking the door.

"We don't allow anyone but relatives to see the patients," replied the
woman. "Are you a member of the family?"

"Why-er-why, yes. I'm his sister," said the lady.

"Oh, I'm so glad to meet you," said the woman.
"I'm his mother!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave
camp the following weekend.  "You see," he explained, "my wife's
expecting."

"Oh..." said the Officer, "I understand.  Go ahead and tell your wife
that I wish her luck."

The following week the same soldier was back again with the same
explanation: "My wife's expecting."

The Officer looked surprised.  "Still expecting ?" he said, "Well, well,
my boy, you must be pretty bothered.  Of course you can have the
week-end off."

When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the
Officer lost his temper.  "Don't tell me your wife is still expecting !"
he bellowed.

"Yes sir !" said the soldier resolutely, "She's still expecting."

"What in heaven is she expecting ???" cried the Officer.

"Me." said the soldier simply.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old Jewish grandfather was taking care of his two young
grandchildren. One of the children asked him how old his grandfather
and grandmother were. The grandfather looked at his grandson and
sighed. "We're so old that when we were your age, the Dead Sea was
only sick, not dead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for
days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy really liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly,
"especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I'm waiting for bus #2."
The second blonde says, "I'm waiting for bus # 5."
Shortly, bus #25 pulls up to the bus stop. The blondes look at each
other & say, "Hey, we can ride together!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The doctor said President Bush's only bad habit is hat he smokes an
occasional cigar. And today President Bush said he only smokes a
cigar to help him think, so luckily he's not doing It that often. I
hope those cigars weren't left over from the Clinton administration.
- Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My friends hired a male stripper for my birthday present.  This guy
starts throwing his clothes off, and asks me, "What are you thinking, babe?"
I'm thinking I've been married too long, because I said. "You're
going to pick up after yourself, aren't you?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mr. Hands was called in for an audit, and a surly IRS agent
confronted him.  "It says here that you're a bachelor - yet you have
claimed a dependent son.  Surely this must be a mistake."
Mr. Hands looked him straight in the eye and said, "Yep, it surely was."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her for February and
March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then
added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had
been $0.00... now was somewhere around $60.00)

I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:

Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
still apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."

CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report
her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

CitiBank:"...excuse me .....?"

Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her
being dead?"

CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"

(Supervisor gets on the phone)

Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
still apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

CitiBank: ".....(stammer)"

CitiBank: "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )

CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )

( After they get the fax. )

CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."

Me: "Oh..."

CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."

Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep
billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."

CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"

CitiBank: "That might help."

Me: " ( Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number given. )

CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly
smelled
the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the
stairs. He
gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning
against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with
even
greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing
with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door
frame,
gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already
in
heaven. There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it
heaven?
Or was it one final act of heroic
love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a
happy
man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the
table,
landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.
His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already
in
his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered
hand,
shakingly made its way to a cookie at
the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by
his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one
day,
wishing something wonderful would happen to his life, when he passed
a Pet
store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in
Yiddish: "Quawwwwk... vus
macht du... yeah, you... outside, ... eh?"

Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn't believe it! The proprietor
sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here,
fella, and check out this parrot..."

Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head
and
said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?"

Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?" "What
did
you expect? Chinese maybe?"

In a matter of moments Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on
the
counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night
long he
talked with the parrot in Yiddish. He told the parrot about his
father's
adventures coming to America; about how beautiful his mother was when
she
was a young bride; about his family; about his wife and children;
about his
years of working in the garment industry; and about sunny Florida. The
parrot listened and commented while sharing some walnuts. The parrot
told
him of living in the pet store and how he hated the weekends. They
both went
to sleep.

Next morning, Meyer began saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to
know
what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to pray
too.
Meyer hand-made a miniature yamulke for the parrot. The parrot wanted
to
learn to read Hebrew so Meyer spent months, sitting and teaching the
parrot,
teaching him Torah. Before long Meyer came to love and count on the
parrot
as a friend and a Jew. He was lonely no more.

On Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose, got dressed, and was about to leave
when the
parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that a synagogue was
not a
place for a bird, but the parrot pleaded and was carried to the
synagogue on
Meyer's shoulder. Needless to say, they were quite a spectacle. Meyer
was
questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi. At first, the Rabbi
refused to
allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but Meyer
convinced
him to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could pray.
Wagers
were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet... even odds...
that the
parrot could NOT pray, could not speak Yiddish, or Hebrew, etc.

All eyes were on the two of them during services. The parrot was still
perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed... but not
a peep
from the bird. Meyer become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and
mumbling
under his breath, "Pray!"

The parrot said nothing. "Pray, parrot! You can pray... do it now
while
everybody's looking at you!"

The parrot said nothing.

After services were over, Meyer realized he owed his synagogue
buddies and
the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home... very
disgusted,
saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the temple the bird began
to
sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark. Meyer stopped and
looked
at him.

"You miserable bird... you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why?
After I
taught you the morning prayers, taught you to read Hebrew and the
Torah. And
after you begged me to bring you to a synagogue on Rosh Hashanah...
why? Why
did you do this to me?"

"Don't be stupid," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds on Yom
Kippur !"

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**** HEALTH NEWS ****

No firm evidence seen on multivitamins  

WASHINGTON, -- A U.S. study failed to find firm evidence  
multivitamin and mineral supplements help fight heart  
disease, cancer or other ailments. The study by a 13-member  
federal panel led by J. Michael McGinnis at the National  
Academy of Sciences' Institute of Medicine found 52 percent  
of adult Americans spend about $23 billion a year on such  
supplements. However, McGinnis said evidence was "quite thin"  
to support claims that these supplements not only promote  
health but prevent these diseases, The Washington Post  
reported. There were also conflicting results in the study,  
the report said. A fruit and vegetable-rich died was seen to  
provide protection against lung cancer but when the volun-  
teers were given beta carotene, the risk of lung cancer in  
smokers increased, the report said. The only benefits the  
panel could confirm include giving folic acid to women to  
prevent birth defects, diet supplemented with vitamins C  
and E, beta carotene and the minerals zinc and copper to  
reduce risk of macular degeneration, and calcium and Vitamin  
D supplements to lower the risk of bone fractures in post-  
menopausal women. A dietary supplement industry spokesman  
told the newspaper the study was based solely on randomized  
controlled trial data which can give a misleading picture.   

New data noted on Vioxx risk  

NEW YORK, -- The risk related to the painkiller Vioxx may  
begin earlier than what Merck & Co. has said, The Wall  
Street Journal reports, but the company doesn't agree. The  
Journal says new company data suggest the cardiovascular  
risk begins within four months of Vioxx use, and not 18  
months as the company has said. The Journal cited a graph  
in a new one-year follow-up of patients. It said the graph  
tracking the number of "confirmed thrombotic cardiovascular  
events" indicated those occurring in Vioxx patients began  
to outpace those on a placebo by the fourth month of the  
study. Merck said the data "do not establish that the risk  
for Vioxx starts earlier than had previously been reported,"  
the newspaper said. Merck said for the first 18 months of  
the trial, the relative risk in the new analysis was similar  
to the old study. The Journal report said the company didn't  
give additional explanation about the graph. Merck withdrew  
the pill from the market in September 2004. The Journal  
report said the company did not comment on whether the new  
report has been submitted to the Food and Drug  
Administration.   

New strategy for Alzheimer's under study  

SAN FRANCISCO, -- A possible strategy for preventing or  
treating Alzheimer's disease and other brain and spinal  
cord damage has been uncovered by researchers. The study  
team, from the San Francisco Veteran Administration  
Medical Center and the University of North Carolina,  
identified several compounds that reportedly could play  
a role in treating degenerative conditions of the nervous  
system. The compounds bind with a receptor found in the  
brain and spinal cord, providing a binding site in the  
body for molecules known as neurotrophins. But, other  
studies show the molecules that usually promote brain cell  
growth can also kill them. Now that the compounds have been  
identified, scientists believe they could provide a new  
binding site, a new means of preventing damage that neuro-  
trophins otherwise would cause. The study appears in the  
current issue of the Journal of Neuroscience.  



**** Reader's Submissions ****

**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent.  I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!
 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 **** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****

Military's drive to enlist

Drivers' date with distance

NASCAR team reports as 600-mile test looms on schedule.

Story

Fantasy Insider

Albert: No. 48's home-track advantage may be hard to overcome.

Story

NASCAR report

Mark Martin likes rap and Tony Stewart gets a radio show.

Story

Subscribe Today: Home Delivery of USA TODAY - Save 35%

**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****

1941 Bob Dylan born in Duluth, Minn.  
  
1945 Priscilla Presley born  
  
1947 Mike Reid born in Altoona, Pa.  

1955 Rosanne Cash born in Memphis, Tenn.  
  
1988 Billy Gilman born in Westerly, R.I.  
  
1980 Dolly Parton's single "Starting Over Again" went to  
No. 1  
  
1991 Gene Clark, founding member of the Byrds, died at age  
46 in Los Angeles  
  
2000 Mary Chapin Carpenter's Stones in the Road album  
certified double platinum  
  
1933 Jimmie Rodgers recorded his last sides for Victor in  
New York City  

1951 Lefty Frizzell recorded two classic singles, "Always  
Late (With Your Kisses)" and "Mom and Dad's Waltz" for  
Columbia  

1961 Buck Owens recorded "Under the Influence of Love" for  
Capitol  
  
1951 Flatt & Scruggs released "Doin' My Time" for Mercury   



 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

Keith Urban, Dierks Bentley Participate in ACM Motorcycle Ride  

Keith Urban, Dierks Bentley and Montgomery Gentry were among  
some 1,000 motorcycle riders roaring through the desert near  
Las Vegas during Sunday's Academy of Country Music motor-  
cycle ride. This year's event, billed as a tribute to  
America's military, also attracted Rockie Lynne, Big & Rich's  
Big Kenny and Trick Pony's Ira Dean. The third annual motor-  
cycle ride, a fundraiser for the ACM Charitable Foundation,  
concluded with a concert at the Fremont Street Experience in  
Las Vegas.   

Gretchen Wilson Plans Publication of First Book  

Gretchen Wilson has signed a deal with Warner Books for  
the November 2006 publication of her first book, Gretchen  
Wilson: I'll Tell You What a Redneck Woman Is. According  
to a press release from Wilson's record label, Sony BMG  
Nashville, the book "will feature Wilson's incredible  
rags-to-riches story and offer up a comprehensive roadmap  
to living the fun, independent and empowering life of a  
Redneck Woman." The book will be co-written by Allen  
Rucker, who has collaborated on previous books with actor-  
comedian Martin Mull and The Sopranos creator David Chase.   


**** Amy's Kitchen ****