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From Carlisle
,Indiana U.S.A. Welcome to The Funnies
"Friends
are God's way of taking care of
us." These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended
for younger readers - PG
Welcome New
Subscribers Anyone without a sense
of humor is at the mercy of the rest of us.
Heaven Help
Them
Remember,it is easier to get older than it
is to get wiser

THURSDAY MAY 25,2006

THOUGHT FOR TODAY:This year I'm trying a new
strategy with my lawn. I'm planting the weeds first in hopes that the grass
will take over.
It was our cat's first winter. When a raging blizzard came up
suddenly, we tried frantically to find Cinderella, calling her repeatedly and
poking into snowdrifts around the stoop where she liked to hide.
Finally
I called the police station to inquire if a "found" cat had been reported. The
sergeant listened politely to my complaint, and assured me that cats had been
known to live through terrible storms. "Cinderella," I added on a hopeful note,
"is exceptionally intelligent. In fact, she almost talks."
"In that case,
lady," replied the officer, "hang up. She's probably trying to call you
now." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My teenaged
niece Elizabeth was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving
lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, "Turn
left here, and don't forget to let the people behind you know what you're
doing." Elizabeth turned to the students sitting in the backseat
and announced, "I'm going left." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jim
was having reasonable success playing the stock market when George expressed
a desire to give it a try. Jim advised him on what stocks to buy, what to
stay clear of, etc. In his list of "pointers" was the fact that George should
invest only small sums. But George threw caution to the winds and six months
later sent an email to Jim, "So much for your darn "pointers! Now send
me some "retrievers!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I
once owned a beagle, Clarence. Admittedly, Clarence barked a lot. My neighbour,
Charlie, often mentioned this fact to me. One cold winter night my wife went
outside to investigate the reason why Clarence's barking sounded unusual. On the
ice-covered lake near our house she discovered a young man, hurt and in shock
after a snowmobile accident. She summoned help and got him inside the house,
then called an ambulance. She was told that he could have frozen to death. The
young man was Charlie's grandson, Mike. Charlie came over the next day with two
thick T-bone steaks and said, "These are for the dog, and it's okay if he
barks."
Some years later while I was away camping, my dog died. But
everything was taken care of - by Mike. He buried Clarence right at the spot the
dog had barked for help that cold winter night, saving Mike's life. (Ron
Hendersen) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "When
I played baseball we used a broom handle and a rubber ball. A manhole cover was
home plate, a fire hydrant was first base, second base was a lamppost, and Mr.
Gitletz who used to bring a kitchen chair down to watch us play was third base.
One time I slid into Mr. Gitletz. He caught the ball and tagged me out." (George
Burns) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Dad got my Mom a lab puppy for her
birthday, and she's been having it sleep with her in their bed.
A day or
two after she got it we were all sitting around and my Dad was holding the puppy
on his lap. My Mom was talking about the new puppy and she nodded over to my Dad
and said, "He was really good in bed last night."
My Dad started grinning
as I asked, "Really? And how was the
puppy?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Husband
in movie: "Can you see, dear?"
Wife: "Yes."
Husband: "Is your seat
comfortable?"
Wife: "Yes."
Husband: "Is there a draft on
you?"
Wife: "No."
Husband: "Good! Let's trade
seats." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A woman
was terribly overweight, so her Doctor put her on a diet. Doctor Say's "I
want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this
procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, I bet you will have
lost at least 5 pounds."
When the woman returned, she shocked the
doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor
said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The woman nodded Yes, "I'll
tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." The
Doctor looking somewhat puzzled Say's: "From hunger you mean? "No, From
Skipping." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A
private was rushing into the Army PX when he bumped into the Colonel and almost
knocked him down.
"Oops," said the private and went on in.
The
Colonel stopped him and said, "Hold it soldier, don't you see these two eagles
on my shoulder?"
"No," said the private, "and you wouldn't either if you
laid off that PX beer."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My husband's job
as mall manager puts him in daily contact with mischievous and runaway children.
So, during the holiday rush when a boisterous two-year-old sped by him in a
crowded department store, his arm reached down automatically and fielded the
child. He led the tot back to its mother, who, instead of being grateful, gave
the manager a look of utter disgust.
"Look, wise guy," she said acidly,
"did you have to catch him so fast?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judge: You
are charged with throwing your mother-in-law out of your fourth-story
window.
Defendant: I did it without thinking, your Honor.
Judge:
Yes, but don't you see how dangerous it might have been for anyone passing at
the time?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ While on a
flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to
everyone.
There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get
clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot
that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line
to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced
"Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Early one morning
on the lake, two men sat silently in a boat, casting for trout. They kept very
still so as not to frighten away the fish. After a while, one moved his feet
just a bit. The other said, "What is it with you? Did you come out here to fish
or to
dance?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The
young lady walked over to the room where she knew her friend was. "May I see
Irving, please?" she asked the woman blocking the door.
"We don't allow
anyone but relatives to see the patients," replied the woman. "Are you a
member of the family?"
"Why-er-why, yes. I'm his sister," said the
lady.
"Oh, I'm so glad to meet you," said the woman. "I'm his
mother!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A
young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the
following weekend. "You see," he explained, "my
wife's expecting."
"Oh..." said the Officer, "I understand. Go
ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck."
The following week the
same soldier was back again with the same explanation: "My wife's
expecting."
The Officer looked surprised. "Still expecting ?" he
said, "Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you
can have the week-end off."
When the same soldier appeared again the
third week, however, the Officer lost his temper. "Don't tell me your
wife is still expecting !" he bellowed.
"Yes sir !" said the soldier
resolutely, "She's still expecting."
"What in heaven is she expecting
???" cried the Officer.
"Me." said the soldier
simply. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An old
Jewish grandfather was taking care of his two young grandchildren. One of
the children asked him how old his grandfather and grandmother were. The
grandfather looked at his grandson and sighed. "We're so old that when we
were your age, the Dead Sea was only sick, not
dead." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Little
Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally
his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his
mother asked when they returned home. "Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did
you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, Daddy really
liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especially when one of the
animals came home at 30 to
1!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I'm
waiting for bus #2." The second blonde says, "I'm waiting for bus #
5." Shortly, bus #25 pulls up to the bus stop. The blondes look at each
other & say, "Hey, we can ride
together!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The
doctor said President Bush's only bad habit is hat he smokes an occasional
cigar. And today President Bush said he only smokes a cigar to help him
think, so luckily he's not doing It that often. I hope those cigars weren't
left over from the Clinton administration. - Jay
Leno ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My
friends hired a male stripper for my birthday present. This guy starts
throwing his clothes off, and asks me, "What are you thinking, babe?" I'm
thinking I've been married too long, because I said. "You're going to pick
up after yourself, aren't
you?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mr.
Hands was called in for an audit, and a surly IRS agent confronted
him. "It says here that you're a bachelor - yet you have claimed a
dependent son. Surely this must be a mistake." Mr. Hands looked him
straight in the eye and said, "Yep, it surely
was." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her for February
and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and
then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance
had been $0.00... now was somewhere around $60.00)
I placed the
following phone call to CitiBank:
Me: "I am calling to tell you that she
died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late
fees and charges still apply."
Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to
collections..."
CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has
been."
Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is
dead?"
CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or
report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"
Me: "Do you think God
will be mad at her?"
CitiBank:"...excuse me .....?"
Me: "Did you
just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being
dead?"
CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my
supervisor!"
(Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: ''I'm calling to
tell you, she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed
and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "You mean you want to
collect from her estate?"
CitiBank: ".....(stammer)"
CitiBank:
"Are you her lawyer?"
Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info
given... )
CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of
death?"
Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )
( After they get the
fax. )
CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."
Me:
"Oh..."
CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."
Me:
"Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing
her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."
CitiBank:
"Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."
Me: "'Would you like
her new billing address?"
CitiBank: "That might help."
Me: " (
Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number given. )
CitiBank:
"Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Me: "What do you do with dead people on your
planet?!!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An
elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he
suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting
up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from
the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the
bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs,
gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against
the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's
agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out
upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite
chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of
heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world
a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward
the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips
parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth;
seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shakingly
made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly
smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said,
"they're for the
funeral." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Meyer,
a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one day, wishing
something wonderful would happen to his life, when he passed a Pet store
and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish: "Quawwwwk...
vus macht du... yeah, you... outside, ... eh?"
Meyer rubbed his eyes
and ears. He couldn't believe it! The proprietor sprang out of the door and
grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here, fella, and check out this
parrot..."
Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little
head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?"
Meyer turned excitedly
to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?" "What did you expect? Chinese
maybe?"
In a matter of moments Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down
on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All
night long he talked with the parrot in Yiddish. He told the parrot about
his father's adventures coming to America; about how beautiful his mother
was when she was a young bride; about his family; about his wife and
children; about his years of working in the garment industry; and about
sunny Florida. The parrot listened and commented while sharing some walnuts.
The parrot told him of living in the pet store and how he hated the
weekends. They both went to sleep.
Next morning, Meyer began saying
his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer
explained, the parrot wanted to pray too. Meyer hand-made a miniature
yamulke for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer
spent months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. Before
long Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew. He
was lonely no more.
On Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose, got dressed, and was
about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained
that a synagogue was not a place for a bird, but the parrot pleaded and
was carried to the synagogue on Meyer's shoulder. Needless to say, they
were quite a spectacle. Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the
Rabbi. At first, the Rabbi refused to allow a bird into the building on
the High Holy Days, but Meyer convinced him to let him in this one time,
swearing that parrot could pray. Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of
dollars were bet... even odds... that the parrot could NOT pray, could not
speak Yiddish, or Hebrew, etc.
All eyes were on the two of them during
services. The parrot was still perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and
song passed... but not a peep from the bird. Meyer become annoyed,
slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Pray!"
The
parrot said nothing. "Pray, parrot! You can pray... do it
now while everybody's looking at you!"
The parrot said
nothing.
After services were over, Meyer realized he owed his
synagogue buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched
home... very disgusted, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the
temple the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark.
Meyer stopped and looked at him.
"You miserable bird... you cost me
over four thousand dollars. Why? After I taught you the morning prayers,
taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring
you to a synagogue on Rosh Hashanah... why? Why did you do this to
me?"
"Don't be stupid," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds on
Yom Kippur !"
**** Quickies ****
Some of us
learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the
others. ~ I read my horoscope and it said, "Make new friends and see what
happens." I went out, made three new friends, and nothing happened. Now I'm
stuck with three new friends. ~ My mother-in-law came to visit last summer and she's such a comic.
She gave us a set of towels marked HERS and ITS. ~ Scott: I went to a hotel for a change
and rest.
Tim: Did you get it?
Scott: The bellboy got the change
and the hotel got the rest. ~ At the law firm where I work, a co-worker
and I were alone in the office when she answered an incoming telephone call. The
insurance agent asked if our firm would guarantee a signature on a security
document. "This is a law office," she replied. "We don't guarantee anything
here." ~ A young girl asks
her grandmother how old she is.
"I'm sixty-eight," Grandma
says.
The young girl's eyes widen, "Wow, you mean starting from
one?" ~ Nutrisystem... What kind of diet plan is this? This is where they
tell you you have to eat the food they make. They tell you what time of day you
have to eat it and you have to eat all of it. This isn't a diet. This is living
with your parents. ~ Do you know the best way for a guy to impress a girl
at the gym? Do pull-ups... pull up in a Porche, pull up in a BMW, pull up in a
Corvette... ~ Kristene wears a diamond ring that reminds her of the
capital of Arkansas - Little Rock. ~ Before Marvin's first session with a
psychiatrist was over, the psychiatrist got on the couch. ~ Do the people
that work in these little shops in the airport have any idea what the prices are
anywhere else in the world? What do they think, that they've got their own
little country out there? "Tuna Sandwich, $13.00. Tuna's very rare here." ~Jerry
Seinfeld~ ~ The team had fumbled the ball ten times and dropped a dozen
passes. Watching the game, a sub paced the sidelines. Finally he sat down, but
he missed the end of the bench and fell to the ground. The coach looked at him
and said, "I think you're ready to go in." ~ The season is upon us when we
golfers must explain to our wives that we're too tired to dig up the garden, but
not too tired to dig up the fairway. ~ A sunday school teacher asked her
class to write a composition on the story of Samson. One teenage girl wrote,
"Samson wasn't so unusual. The boys I know brag about their strength and wear
their hair long too." ~ "Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat."
(Jim Davis) ~ Secretary to friend: "I think the boss' cold is better today
- he's making a list of suspects who might have given it to him."
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****
HEALTH NEWS ****
No firm evidence seen on
multivitamins
WASHINGTON, -- A U.S. study failed to
find firm evidence multivitamin and mineral supplements help
fight heart disease, cancer or other ailments. The study by a
13-member federal panel led by J. Michael McGinnis at the
National Academy of Sciences' Institute of Medicine found 52
percent of adult Americans spend about $23 billion a year on
such supplements. However, McGinnis said evidence was "quite
thin" to support claims that these supplements not only
promote health but prevent these diseases, The Washington
Post reported. There were also conflicting results in the
study, the report said. A fruit and vegetable-rich died was seen
to provide protection against lung cancer but when the
volun- teers were given beta carotene, the risk of lung cancer
in smokers increased, the report said. The only benefits
the panel could confirm include giving folic acid to women
to prevent birth defects, diet supplemented with vitamins
C and E, beta carotene and the minerals zinc and copper
to reduce risk of macular degeneration, and calcium and
Vitamin D supplements to lower the risk of bone fractures in
post- menopausal women. A dietary supplement industry
spokesman told the newspaper the study was based solely on
randomized controlled trial data which can give a misleading
picture.
New data noted on
Vioxx risk
NEW YORK, -- The risk related to the
painkiller Vioxx may begin earlier than what Merck & Co. has
said, The Wall Street Journal reports, but the company doesn't
agree. The Journal says new company data suggest the
cardiovascular risk begins within four months of Vioxx use, and
not 18 months as the company has said. The Journal cited a
graph in a new one-year follow-up of patients. It said the
graph tracking the number of "confirmed thrombotic
cardiovascular events" indicated those occurring in Vioxx
patients began to outpace those on a placebo by the fourth month
of the study. Merck said the data "do not establish that the
risk for Vioxx starts earlier than had previously been
reported," the newspaper said. Merck said for the first 18
months of the trial, the relative risk in the new analysis was
similar to the old study. The Journal report said the company
didn't give additional explanation about the graph. Merck
withdrew the pill from the market in September 2004. The
Journal report said the company did not comment on whether the
new report has been submitted to the Food and Drug
Administration.
New
strategy for Alzheimer's under study
SAN FRANCISCO,
-- A possible strategy for preventing or treating Alzheimer's
disease and other brain and spinal cord damage has been
uncovered by researchers. The study team, from the San Francisco
Veteran Administration Medical Center and the University of
North Carolina, identified several compounds that reportedly
could play a role in treating degenerative conditions of the
nervous system. The compounds bind with a receptor found in
the brain and spinal cord, providing a binding site in
the body for molecules known as neurotrophins. But,
other studies show the molecules that usually promote brain
cell growth can also kill them. Now that the compounds have
been identified, scientists believe they could provide a
new binding site, a new means of preventing damage that
neuro- trophins otherwise would cause. The study appears in
the current issue of the Journal of
Neuroscience.

**** Reader's Submissions
****
"Kitchen Complaint"
I made myself a warning sign, It's on my kitchen wall, It
wards off all those little thieves When they feel prone to call. They
snatch things from the cupboard shelves, The pantry's always bare. It's
impossible to cook a meal When food is everywhere. The Quaker Oats
disappeared, And though the word is mum My guess is someone wanted The
container for a drum. The sugar bowl cannot be found, And underneath a
bed, I'm bound to find thechocolate chips And half a loaf of bread. The
Baking Soda's for a bath, A lemon's for the hair, The cheese is in the
mouse trap And no one seems to care. Marshmellows stuck with
toothpaste Are for a childish craft; Everyone takes what they
need While mother gets the shaft. So the warning sign now clearly
states: "Beware...Mom is the winner! The Culprit is the loser... And
the loser fixes dinner!" Ralene T. Montgomery
"PETE THE PUPPET" He was a little,
wooden puppet, Dangling from a string, He had a simple, painted
face, That smiled at everything. His forever smile was painted
on, Which kept him happy down inside, He never frowned, if he were
down, Just continued smiling wide. His cheeks were red, as were
his lips Otherwise his face was white, His black hair was painted on in
place, So it never looked affright. The cap perched atop his
head Was a beanie colored blue. Never once did it fall off, For it was
brushed on, too. His little body made of wood, Had no suppleness
at all, His joints moved on hinges, And on tiny springs
installed. His clothing, too, was painted on, His coat and pants
and shoes, Nothing wrinkled, nothing mussed, And each item looked brand
new. His master's name was Johnny, And Johnny played with him a
lot, He'd tuck the puppet in his pocket, So his little face peeked
out. Johnny named his puppet Peter, Though, for short, he called
him Pete, And peeking out of Johnny's pocket Made Pete really feel
unique. Johnny seldom left the house, Without taking Pete
along, And if he weren't in Johnny's pocket, Folks oft inquired what was
wrong. One day Johnny stopped to join Some boys playing
baseball, And while sliding into second base, He accidentally let Pete
fall. He did not realize Pete was gone, Until he got home that
night, Then he found his pocket empty, And little Pete nowhere in
sight. That night an awful storm took place, With torrential
rains and winds, It battered everything outside, And scattered trees and
limbs. Not a good night for a puppet To have been dropped upon
the ground, The merciless wind picked up poor Pete, And twirled him round
and round. Pete cried out, but no one heard, On this night not
fit for man nor beast, The winds tossed poor Pete about, Like some mad
thing unleashed. They lifted him across the tree tops, To a
rushing river's bank, Where greedy waters reached for Pete, To play with
him before he sank. The cruel river had its fun, Teasing
something small and weak, But ... just before it sucked him under, A
jutting limb caught Pete. In the morning the storm was over, And
Johnny raced outside, Back to the spot where Pete had dropped, Hoping,
praying he'd survived. Nowhere, of course, could he find
Pete, Though Johnny searched and looked, Then something led him to the
river, And the tree where Pete was hooked. It didn't look like
Pete at first, He had been stripped of all his clothes, Even his cap and
hair washed off, His wooden self had been exposed. With one
exception, all color was gone, Washed from his soggy body, And when Johnny
went to cut him down, He saw Pete still smiled broadly. His
brave smile was still in place, Though the rest of him was bare, Which
goes to show that smiles can last, Through a lot of wear and
tear. So, though Pete was never quite the same, There is a
lesson here, That smiles can remain through pain, And through the storms
of life ... My Dear! Virginia
Ellis **** ON THIS DAY
****
 **** HEADS UP FOLKS
**** These Are My Causes
Please Help
This is a link for
FREE virus protection http://avast.com It is
excellent. I use it myself ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation http://www.organdonor.gov/
It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a
mammogram" for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a
thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits
to donate mammogram in exchange for
advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to
people you know. http://www.thebreastcancersite.com & The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to
click on it daily to meet their quota of getting free food donated
every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to
go to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This
doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the
number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in
exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to
people you know! http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is a link
for FREE virus protection http://avast.com It is
excellent ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Thoughts or Comments jokes or stories U
Send'em and I'll print'em Just keep it clean.A lota kids read
this jim4615@earthlink.net Subject
Line--- The Funnies ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ **** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****
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Drivers' date with distance |
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NASCAR team reports as 600-mile test looms on
schedule. |
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Fantasy Insider |
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Albert: No. 48's home-track advantage may be hard to
overcome. |
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NASCAR report |
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Mark Martin likes rap and Tony Stewart gets a radio
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**** COUNTRY CALENDAR
****
1941 Bob Dylan born in Duluth, Minn.
1945 Priscilla Presley born
1947 Mike Reid born in Altoona, Pa.
1955 Rosanne Cash
born in Memphis, Tenn. 1988 Billy Gilman born
in Westerly, R.I. 1980 Dolly Parton's single
"Starting Over Again" went to No. 1
1991 Gene Clark, founding member of the Byrds, died at age
46 in Los Angeles 2000 Mary Chapin
Carpenter's Stones in the Road album certified double
platinum 1933 Jimmie Rodgers recorded his last
sides for Victor in New York City
1951 Lefty
Frizzell recorded two classic singles, "Always Late (With Your
Kisses)" and "Mom and Dad's Waltz" for Columbia
1961 Buck Owens recorded "Under the Influence of Love" for
Capitol 1951 Flatt & Scruggs released
"Doin' My Time" for Mercury
**** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS
****
Keith Urban, Dierks
Bentley Participate in ACM Motorcycle Ride
Keith
Urban, Dierks Bentley and Montgomery Gentry were among some
1,000 motorcycle riders roaring through the desert near Las
Vegas during Sunday's Academy of Country Music motor- cycle
ride. This year's event, billed as a tribute to America's
military, also attracted Rockie Lynne, Big & Rich's Big
Kenny and Trick Pony's Ira Dean. The third annual motor- cycle
ride, a fundraiser for the ACM Charitable Foundation, concluded
with a concert at the Fremont Street Experience in Las
Vegas.
Gretchen Wilson
Plans Publication of First Book
Gretchen Wilson has signed a
deal with Warner Books for the November 2006 publication of her
first book, Gretchen Wilson: I'll Tell You What a Redneck Woman
Is. According to a press release from Wilson's record label,
Sony BMG Nashville, the book "will feature Wilson's
incredible rags-to-riches story and offer up a comprehensive
roadmap to living the fun, independent and empowering life of
a Redneck Woman." The book will be co-written by
Allen Rucker, who has collaborated on previous books with
actor- comedian Martin Mull and The Sopranos creator David
Chase.
 **** Amy's Kitchen
****
"Grilled Baby Back
Ribs"
2 (2 pound) slabs baby back pork ribs coarsely ground
black pepper 1 tablespoon ground red chile pepper 2 1/4 tablespoons
vegetable oil 1/2 cup minced onion 1 1/2 cups water 1/2 cup tomato
paste 1/2 cup white vinegar 1/2 cup brown sugar 2 1/2 tablespoons
honey 2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce 2 teaspoons salt 1/4
teaspoon coarsely ground black pepper 1 1/4 teaspoons liquid smoke flavoring
2 teaspoons garlic powder 1/4 teaspoon paprika 1/2 teaspoon onion
powder 1 tablespoon dark molasses 1/2 tablespoon ground red chile
pepper
Preheat oven to 300° F. Cut each full rack of ribs in half,
so that you have 4 half racks. Sprinkle salt and pepper (more pepper than
salt), and 1 tablespoon chili pepper over meat. Wrap each half rack in
aluminum foil. Bake for 2 1/2 hours. Meanwhile, heat oil in a medium
saucepan over medium heat. Cook and stir the onions in oil for 5 minutes.
Stir in water, tomato paste, vinegar, brown sugar, honey, and
Worcestershire sauce. Season with 2 teaspoons salt, 1/4 teaspoon black
pepper, liquid smoke, whiskey, garlic powder, paprika, onion powder,
dark molasses, and 1/2 tablespoon ground chili pepper. Bring mixture to
a boil, then reduce heat. Simmer for 1 1/4 hours, uncovered, or until sauce
thickens. Remove from heat, and set sauce aside. Preheat an outdoor
grill for high heat. Remove the ribs from the oven, and let stand 10
minutes. Remove the racks from the foil, and place on the grill. Grill
the ribs for 3 to 4 minutes on each side. Brush sauce on the ribs while
they're grilling, just before you serve them (adding it too early will burn
it).
"Pineapple Chicken
Tenders" 2 pounds Breast Tenders
Pineapple Marinade: 1 cup pineapple juice 1/2 cup packed
brown sugar 1/3 cup light soy sauce
In a small saucepan over medium heat, mix pineapple juice,
brown sugar, and soy sauce. Remove from heat just before the mixture
comes to a boil. Place chicken tenders in a medium bowl. Cover with the
pineapple marinade, and refrigerate for at least 30 mins. Preheat grill for
medium heat. Thread chicken lengthwise onto wooden skewers. Lightly oil
the grill grate. Grill chicken tenders 5 mins per side, or until juices
run clear. They cook quickly, so watch them closely.
"New Orleans Shrimp
Creole" (D) 1.) 1/4 cup dry white
wine 2.) 1 cup diced onions 3.) 1/2 cup diced
celery 4.) 1-1/2 cups diced red pepper 5.) 1/2 cup diced green
pepper 6.) 2 cloves garlic, minced 7.) 1 cup sliced
okra 8.) 4 cups crushed canned tomatoes 9.) 1 tablespoon
no-added-salt tomato paste 10.)1 cup fat-free, reduced-sodium chicken
broth 11.)1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper 12.)1 teaspoon paprika 13.)1/2
teaspoon celery seed 14.)2 bay leaves 15.)1 pound large shrimp, peeled and
deveined 16.)Salt and pepper to taste
In a large stockpot or kettle, heat the white wine over medium
heat until it boils slightly. Add the onions, celery, red and green pepper,
and garlic and saute for 10 minutes. Add the okra, tomatoes, tomato paste,
broth, cayenne pepper, paprika, celery seed, and bay leaves. Bring to a boil.
Lower the heat and simmer for 45 minutes. Add the shrimp and cook for 5-6
minutes more until the shrimp turn pink. Season with pepper and salt.
Serve in bowls with cooked rice if desired. Yield: 6
Servings.
Nutritional Information Per Serving (1 cup): Calories: 161,
Fat: 1 g, Cholesterol: 107 mg, Sodium: 607 mg, Carbohydrate: 21 g, Dietary
Fiber: 6 g, Sugars: 12 g, Protein: 16 g Diabetic Exchanges: 1 Carbohydrate
(equals 3 vegetable), 2 Very Lean Meat, 1 Vegetable
Diabetic
Recipe
Roasted Vegetable and Turkey Wraps
with Herb Sauce
(makes 6 servings)
olive oil cooking spray 1 medium red onion, sliced very
thin 1 large eggplant, sliced thin 2 fennel
bulbs, trimmed, cored, and sliced very thin 2 red peppers,
seeded, sliced into thin strips herb sauce 3/4
cup (36 g) fresh basil leaves 1/4 cup (15 g) chopped flat leaf
parsley 1 clove garlic 1 teaspoon (5 ml) grated
lemon rind 2 teaspoons (10 ml) lemon juice 2
tablespoons (30 ml) olive oil fresh ground pepper
6 7-inch (17.5 cm) 98% fat free flour tortillas
1/2 pound (240 g) low salt turkey breast, sliced very thin
1. Preheat oven to 425°F (220°C), Gas Mark 7. Lightly coat
a large baking sheet with cooking spray.
2.
Arrange vegetables in batches on the baking sheet and
spray tops with cooking spray. Roast the vegetables
until cooked through, about 10 to 12 minutes. Set
aside and continue until all vegetables are done.
Set aside.
3. To prepare the Herb Sauce: Place herbs,
garlic, lemon zest and juice, oil, and pepper in
food processor or blender. Puree until
smooth.
4. Place the tortillas on a flat surface. Place 2
ounces (60 g) turkey breast on each tortilla. Top
with a mixture of the vegetables. Place 2
tablespoons (30 ml) of the Herb Sauce down the
middle of the tortilla. Tightly roll up and secure
with a toothpick. Wrap in plastic wrap and
refrigerate until ready to serve. Slice on the
diagonal when ready to eat.
Per serving: 267 calories (23%
calories from fat),
17
g protein, 7 g total fat (0.9 g
saturated fat), 38 g carbohydrates,
7 g
dietary fiber, 14 mg cholesterol,
351
mg sodium
Diabetic exchanges: 1 very lean protein, 2 1/2
carbohydrate
(1 1/2 bread/starch, 3 vegetable), 1 fat
Copyright 1997-2001
Diabetic-Lifestyle.
**** TODAY'S
USELESS FACT ****
If humans have been around for the
last 120,000 years, why the extreme technological development during only the
last 2,000 years?
To
give you the simplest answer I can muster, the evolution of intelligence of
civilization can be compared to the evolution of intelligence of an
individual. Our latest developments are nothing
more than the accumulation of knowledge of all those 120,000 years. The same
would apply to a person who is 30 years old. This persons knowledge is the
accumulation of all the knowledge he/she gained since they were born. When they
were in their infancy, they had little knowledge, therefore they could only do
technologically simple things, like form simple words using our alphabet. At 30
years old, this person has this knowledge, plus complex words, grammar, and
sentence structure, and could conceivably write an entire book. This analogy can
be applied to human development, and it has been shown that knowledge growth
happens exponentially.
****A PARTING THOUGHT
**** Most lying should be
blamed on women. They insist on asking questions.
TOON TIME
Good Morning http://buffalosjokes.com/11158.htm
Cubs http://buffalosjokes.com/11157.htm
Sunset http://buffalosjokes.com/11156.htm
Now we
know what they do all day! http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny395.html
Island Transport Infrastructure... http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200406/018.htm
Over Dose http://buffalosjokes.com/11161.htm
naught
or nice http://buffalosjokes.com/11160.htm
Mother
Duck http://buffalosjokes.com/11159.htm
sleigh http://buffalosjokes.com/11164.htm
Santa http://buffalosjokes.com/11163.htm
Tiger
mother http://buffalosjokes.com/11162.htm
Wuv http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1091.html
Brain Sticking To His Hat http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200412/023.htm
Turtle Jam http://buffalosjokes.com/11167.htm
The
Reason http://buffalosjokes.com/11166.htm
Sniper http://buffalosjokes.com/11165.htm
LAST CALL
Y'ALL

HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA
HEAR!
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