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From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.
Welcome
to The Funnies
"Friends
are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended
for younger readers - PG
Welcome New
Subscribers
Anyone without a sense
of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us.
Heaven Help
Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it
is to get wiser
TUESDAY MAY 30,2006
THOUGHT FOR
TODAY:Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you
to do things that would get you thrown in jail if you really tried
them
I
stopped by my boss' office to ask about a long awaited pay increase. She told
me, "I know perfectly well you aren't being paid what you're
worth!"
"So..." I asked, hope returning.
"But, I can't allow you
to starve to death, can I?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When her late husband's
will was read, a widow learned he had left the bulk of his fortune to another
woman. Enraged, she rushed to change the inscription on her spouse's
tombstone.
"Sorry, lady," said the stonecutter. "I inscribed 'Rest in
Peace' on your orders. I can't change it now."
"Very well," she said
grimly. "Just add, 'Until We Meet
Again.'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
man consulted his priest about getting a divorce. The priest was surprised. "Why
on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely wife? She is soft and gentle
and, if I may say so, she is also quite beautiful and nicely proportioned. I
really can't see what you have to complain about."
The man took off his
shoe. "See this shoe," he said, showing it to the priest, "The leather is soft
and gentle. It is a beautiful piece of work and nicely
proportioned."
"Ah," said the priest, "a parable."
"In a way,
Father," replied the man. "I'm the only one who knows it
pinches
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After
the accident, I told the police officer I thought the driver of the other
vehicle was drunk.
He told me the other vehicle was a
cow
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My husband,
an auto mechanic, was looking for higher-paying work and asked me to write his
resume on the computer. As I typed, I used spell check to make sure everything
was perfect. I soon found another benefit to this function... it doubled as
career advisor. Every time it stopped on the word Mazda, it suggested I change
it to Mercedes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When the
first destroyers arrived in the fall Of 1940 under America Is Lend-Lease Program
to Great Britain, Prime Minister Churchill went to inspect them. He was joined
by FDR's right-hand man Harry Hopkins.
Churchill looked at the decidedly
overaged rustbuckets and grumbled in a whisper, "Cheap and
nasty."
Hopkins, who was startled by the remark, queried, "What was
that?"
Churchill amended aloud, "Cheap for us and nasty for the Germans."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After his
escape from capture in the Boer War, the twenty-six- year-old Churchill won a
seat in Parliament. To make himself look older, he grew a mustache. A woman
acquaintance who was not enthusiastic about his independent political views
encountered him at a dinner party.
"Winston," she scolded, I approve of
neither your politics nor your mustache."
"Madam," replied Winston, "you
are not likely to come in contact with
either."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The
golfer Tommy Bolt had a great swing and a bad temper. During one tournament, he
kept making difficult putts, only to have the ball spin off the lip on cup after
cup. Finally, Bolt could stand no more. He threw down his putter and shouted at
the heavens, "Why don't you come down and fight like a
man?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
you
know the difference between fiction and reality when you write? Fiction has to
make sense.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After
classical violinist Fritz Kreisler was invited to a society party, the hostess
urged, "Of course, you'll bring your violin." "In that case," Kreisler said, "my
performing fee is two thousand dollars."
Insulted (or caught out), the
woman huffed, "In that case, I shall ask you not to mingle with my
guests."
"In that case," Kreisler replied, "my fee will only be one
thousand
dollars."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The other day I saw a truck carrying
a house, and I thought, "That must have been a really nasty
divorce."
Yeah as the wife drives away she's screaming, "I told you I was
going to take the house!"
And the husband is shouting, "I'm keeping the
basement!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A doctor
examined a patient with bruises all over his legs and asked, "Are those from
horseback riding or softball?"
"Neither," the patient answered. "Bridge."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The beer was awful and the customer complained bitterly to the
owner of the bar.
"What are you complaining about?" said the bartender
indignantly. "You've only got a glass but I've got 78 barrels of the awful
stuff!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here
is a small collection of GGG from the archives and sent to you
just
for the fun of it! ENJOY and hv a few laffs.
The warden, addressing
the three instigators of a failed prison riot,
said, "I would like to know
two things. First: Why did you revolt?
Second: How did you get out of your
cell?"
One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled
because
the food is awful."
"I see. And what did you use to break the
bars?" The warden asked.
Replied the spokesman, "French
Toast..."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
A
pastor was assigned to a new church. He was worried how he
would be received.
At a reception for the pastor, he was given
a nametag. Uner his name was
written, "Hog caller".
The pastor responded by saying, "I usually am
called 'shepherd
of the sheep', but you know your congregation better than I
do!"
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
After
a long, bumpy flight, our passengers were glad to
finally land. They
disembarked, and the other attendants
and I checked for items left
behind.
In a seat pocket, I found a bag of homemade cookies with
a
note saying "Much love, Mom."
Quickly, I gave the bag to our gate agent
in hopes it
would be reunited with its owner.
In few minutes, this
announcement came over the public-
address system in the
concourse;
"Would the passenger who lost his cookies on Flight
502,
please return to the
gate?"
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
CONFUCIUS
SAYS.....
"Man who run in front of car get tired"
"Man who run
behind car get exhausted"
"Two wrongs not make a right - Three lefts
do"
"Man who eat many prunes get good run for money."
"War doesn't
determine who's right. War determines who's left."
"Man who tell one too
many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"
"Man who sit on tack get
point!"
"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"
"Man who lives
in glass house should change in basement"
"If you want pretty nurse, you
got to be
patient."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Another
Look At Bumper Stickers
If you don't like the way I'm driving, YOU come
get these handcuffs off!
If you are close enough to read this, I am close
enough to slam on my
brakes and sue you.
Don't look back, they might
be gaining on you.
Drive carefully, we need every taxpayer we can
get.
Drive defensively - buy a tank.
Honk if you love peace and
quiet.
Go on, I'll see you at the next traffic light.
Where are we
going and what am I doing in this handbasket?
On the back of an old
pickup: If this truck was a horse, I'd
have to shoot it.
I brake for
tailgaters. Hard.
If you can read this, you are in phaser
range.
Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is.
FREE
TIBET! (with the purchase of a 44 oz. drink).
My kid was Prisoner of the
Month at Orange County Jail.
*Get in - buckle up - pipe down - and hold
on!
Support your State Troopers - Drive really
fast.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
At
the data-entry company where I work, the other operators and
I share a
coffeepot. One morning I took it into the ladies room
to fill it with water.
Then I began preening in the mirror,
brushing
my hair and reapplying some makeup.
I didn't realize how long I'd been
until someone slid a
note
under the
door.
"You win," it
read.
Any ransom demand will be
met.
Just release the
coffeepot."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
A
doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when
he entered a
patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor,
pretending to saw a
piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his
feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The
patient
replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in
half?"
The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was
doing.
Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little
crazy.
He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and
notices
Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient
#1, "If he's your friend, you should get
him down from there before he hurts
himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the
dark?"
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
A
guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you
like
to dance?"
The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I
did,
I wouldn't dance with you."
The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have
misunderstood me,
I
said you look
fat in those
pants."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
My
husband and I took our two-year-old daughter to the
home-improvement store.
Madison got tired of walking,
so my husband let her ride on his shoulders. As
he
walked, Madison began pulling his hair. Although he asked
her to stop
several times, she kept on. Getting
annoyed,
he scolded, "Madison!
Stop
that!"
"But, Daddy," she replied,
"I'm
just trying to get my gum
back."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Police
Quotes
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll
stretch
out after you wear them awhile."
"So, you don't know how fast
you were going. I guess that means
I can write anything I want on the ticket,
huh?"
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you
are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"Yeah, we have a
quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a
toaster oven."
"No sir, we
don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but
now we're allowed to
write as many tickets as we want."
"Just how big were those two
beers?
"In God we trust, all others are
suspects."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THANKS,
FRITZBEAR
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ressypees e-zine
We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular
recipe,
send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca
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"YOU'RE FIRED! Coz you're too
tall to fit your legs under the desk!"
Have you ever
heard of news as weird as this?
Send blank email to 46508-subscribe@zinester.com for free
subscription of "Weirdo News" now!
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**** Reader's Submissions ****
"Eulogy for a
Veteran"
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there,
I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond
glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle
autumn rain.
When you awaken in the mornings hush,
I am the
swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight,
I am the soft stars
that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there, I
did not die.
Author Unknown
**** ON THIS DAY
****
**** HEADS UP FOLKS
****
These Are My Causes
Please Help
This is a link for
FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is
excellent. I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation
http://www.organdonor.gov/
It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a
mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a
thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits
to donate mammogram
in exchange for
advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to
people you know.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to
click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated
every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to
go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This
doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the
number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in
exchange
for advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to
people you know!
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link
for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is
excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U
Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read
this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject
Line--- The Funnies
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**** MOTOR
SPORTS NEWS ****
Hornish
wins Indy thriller
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Johnson's
streak ends as runner-up; Stewart
aches. |
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Marco,
Michael come close to first victory since
1969. |
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Defending
champ leads most laps, settles for fourth. |
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Gallery:
All the high-speed action from Indy,
Charlotte. |
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Subscribe Today: Home Delivery of USA TODAY - Save 35%
**** COUNTRY
CALENDAR ****
Carl Story, Bluegrass/singer/songwriter, born Lenoir,
NC 1916.
Danny Davis born "George Nowlan," Dorchester, MA
1925.
Bing Crosby, the John Scott Trotter Orchestra, and
the Ken Darby Singers recorded Irving Berlin's "White Christmas" 1942.
This is the biggest selling record of all
time.
Hank Williams topped the charts with "Lovesick Blues"
1949.
Maybelle Carter and the Carter Sisters joined The
Grand Ole Opry 1950.
Hank Williams and Audrey Williams divorced
1952.
Ricky Nelson's second #1 hit "Travelin' Man" topped
Billboards chart 1961.
Del Reeves went #1 with "Girl On The Billboard"
1965.
The Grand Ole Opry's Jeanne Pruitt went to #1 with
"Satin Sheets" 1973.
Rosanne Cash topped the charts with "Seven Year Ache"
1981.
Rodney Crowell's "After All This Time" went #1
1989.
MCA released Jimmy Buffett's "Boats, Beaches, Bars
& Ballads" 1992.
Billy Ray Cyrus' debut single "Achy Breaky Heart,"
went to # 1 in 1992.
George Strait, Alan Jackson and Jimmy Buffett played
a concert at Texas Stadium in Dallas, Texas in 2004. Between them, the
trio has sold over 120 million records, including 80 plus #1
hits.
Gretchen Wilson's single "Redneck Woman" topped the
charts in 2004.
Lewis Crook, Grand Ole Opry performer, born Trousdale
County, TN 1909.
Alcyone Bate Beasley, Grand Ole Opry performer, born
Castallian Springs, TN 1912.
Johnny Gimble, fiddle virtuoso, born near Tyler, TX
1926.
Tom Collins, producer/publisher, born Lenoir, TN
1942.
Ray Price went to #1 with "Crazy Arms" and stayed
there for 20-weeks in 1955.
Ernie Ashworth's first top 10 single, "Each Moment,"
charted 1960.
Mike Snider, Grand Ole Opry Member, born Gleason, TN
1960.
Wynonna Judd, "Christina Claire Ciminella" born
Ashland, KY 1964.
Dolly Parton married Carl Dean in Catoosa County, GA
1966.
Dave Apollon, age 75, Traditional Bluegrass/Mandolin,
died 1972.
Claude Lampley, age 79, of the "Fruit Jar Drinkers,"
died 1975.
Marty Robbins drove the pace car for the Indy 500 race
1976.
Karl Victor Davis, age 73, of the Cumberland Ridge Runners, and WLS's
National Barn Dance, died 1979.
Marty Robbins released "All Around Cowboy/The
Dreamer" 1979.
Deborah Allen married songwriter Rafe Van Hoy
1982.
Chet Atkins released his 2-CD set "My Favorite
Guitars/It's a Guitar World" 1995.
Baseball Hall of Fame pitcher Nolan Ryan visited
back-stage at the Grand Ole Opry in 1998. The first thing he wanted to
know was, "Where is Little Jimmy Dickens?" I want to meet Jimmy
Dickens.
A bomb threat forced the evacuation of more than 3,100 people at Kenny
Rogers' concert at Royal Albert Hall in London in 1999. No bomb was
found, no injuries reported.
Blue Hat released Charlie Daniels' album "Road Dogs"
2000.
Lee Ann Womack sang during pre-race ceremonies at the Indianapolis 500 in
2004.
COUNTRY MUSIC
VIDEO
Dolly Parton - Travelin'
Thru
(Current rating - 5!)
Country singer
Dolly Parton wrote and performed the Oscar
nominated song
'Travelin' Thru' for the movie Transamerica.
Come watch Dolly
perform 'Travelin Thru' at the awards.
Click here: http://www.evtv1.com/player.aspx?itemnum=1935
<a href="http://www.evtv1.com/player.aspx?itemnum=1935">
Dolly Parton - Travelin'
Thru</a>
**** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****
| May 25, 2006: Life isn't slowing down
for Dierks Bentley all that much, but his latest song, "Settle for a
Slowdown," just hit the top of the Billboard song chart for the week
ending June 3. On the album chart, Rascal Flatts was once again number one
with "Me And My Gang."
Bentley took over the number one position from Jason Aldean, whose
"Why" fell to second after one week at number one. LeAnn Rimes remained
third with "Something's Gotta Give." Kenny Chesney was a big mover as
"Summertime" climbed four spots to fourth. Phil Vassar's "Last Day Of My
Life" was up two to fifth.
Brad Paisley moved up four to eighth with "The World." There was little
movement in the rest of the top 25. The only new song was Jake Owen's Yee
Haw," up 3 spots to 25th.
On the album chart, Tim McGraw's "Greatest Hits Vol 2: Reflected"
stayed second. Carrie Underwood climbed two to third with "Some Hearts."
Toby Keith stayed in fourth with "White Trash With Money," while Alan
Jackson's gospel disc, "Precious Memories," dropped two spots to fifth.
On the overall top 200, Rascal Flatts was 6th, McGraw 21st, Underwood
22nd, Keith 26th and Jackson 28th.
|
**** Amy's Kitchen
****
"Easy Chicken
Enchiladas"
1 pkg. (8 oz.) cream cheese
1 cup salsa
2
cups chopped cooked chicken breast meat
1 can (15? oz.) pinto beans, drained
6 flour tortillas (6" size)
2 cups shredded Colby-Jack cheese
Preheat the oven to 350°. Lightly grease a 13
x 9 x 2" baking dish. In a small saucepan over medium heat, combine the
cream cheese and salsa. Cook, stirring until melted and well blended. Stir in
chicken and pinto beans. Fill tortillas with the mixture, roll and place into
the prepared baking dish. Spread cheese over the top. Cover with aluminum foil.
Bake for 30 minutes, or until heated through. Garnish with your favorite
toppings such as lettuce and tomatoes, or sour cream.
"Taco Bake"
1 lb. ground round or ground turkey
1 onion chopped
3/4 cup
water
1 pkg. taco seasoning
1 can (15 oz.) tomato sauce
3 cups cooked
noodles
3 oz. shredded cheddar
1 can chopped chilies - optional
Brown beef and onion; drain. Add rest of ingredients except cheese;
heat through. Pour into a 7 x 11" pan that has been prepared with nonstick
cooking spray.
Sprinkle with cheese. Bake 350° for 30 minutes.
Remove from oven; top with lettuce, tomato,
salsa.
**** TODAY'S
USELESS FACT ****
Why does soda pop cause weight
gain?
 This data from the the McDonald's menu nutritional information put sugar
in a new perspective for me when it comes to soft drinks. A small (16
oz.) Coke has 40 grams of sugar, a medium (21 oz.) Coke has 58 grams of sugar
and a large (32 oz.) Coke has 86 grams of sugar. By comparison, a packet of
sugar has 4 grams of sugar. Ha! Can you imagine dumping 21 packets of sugar in a
quart of water and adding some flavoring and a fizz? That is a lot of packets of
sugar if you were in a coffee house trying to mimic a Coke. People would think
you were nuts and on drugs...ha! McDonald's has a Hot Fudge Sundae for dessert
-- it has 48 grams of sugar. I guess a person could get two of those instead of
a Large Coke and be "even"...ha! It is a funny world.
****A
PARTING THOUGHT ****
"Just because
nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect."
Benny Hill
TOON
TIME
Pray
http://www.buffaloschips.com/52707.htm
Elect
http://www.buffaloschips.com/52708.htm
Skunked
http://www.buffaloschips.com/52709.htm
Computer Talk
http://buffalosjokes.com/12536.htm
Crazy
http://buffalosjokes.com/12534.htm
Toast
http://buffalosjokes.com/12535.htm
Availible Men
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1120.html
Mannequin Abduction
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/004.htm
Drunken People Beware
http://buffalosjokes.com/12539.htm
Battleship
http://buffalosjokes.com/12537.htm
Overload
http://buffalosjokes.com/12538.htm
House
of Beans
http://www.buffaloschips.com/52710.htm
BLING-BLING
http://www.buffaloschips.com/52711.htm
Geometry
http://www.buffaloschips.com/52712.htm
Let
Me In
http://buffalosjokes.com/12533.htm
New
Head
http://buffalosjokes.com/12531.htm
Visual
Alarm Clock
http://buffalosjokes.com/12532.htm
Fastforward
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1121.html
Survivor
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/003.htm
FAQ
http://buffalosjokes.com/12542.htm
Cheeky
http://buffalosjokes.com/12540.htm
New
Word
http://buffalosjokes.com/12541.htm
LAST CALL Y'ALL
HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA
HEAR!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out
there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
PLEASE
Don't take anything you see in
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The contents
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proper credit, or remove it which
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