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Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
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than it is to get wiser

THURSDAY JUNE 01,2006


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.That is why the wife treats her husband like toxic waste

I have two problems that could solve each other.
1. The Southern States have a border problem with illegal aliens
crossing the Rio Grand into America.
2. Florida has an abundance of alligators who are eating people down there.
The natural barrier between America and Mexico is the Rio Grand river.
If we took Florida's surplus alligators and dropped them in the Rio
Grand...problem solved.
Cost:
About $50,000 for catching and transporting 10,000 hungry alligators
to the river along the Mexican border
$5,000 for warning signs and salsa
The result...PRICELESS.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady took her friend to get her car from the mechanic.
When her friend came out she asked her, "Is everything
okay with your car now?"
Her friend said, "Yes, thank goodness.  I was worried that
the mechanic might try to take advantage of me, so I was
relieved when he told me all I needed was twenty dollars
worth of blinker fluid."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Whenever a woman lies...

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river,
her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared
and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and
that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble
set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress
replied, "No." The Lord again dipped his hand into the river.
He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?"
the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three
thimbles to keep and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband
along the river bank and her husband fell into the river and
disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared
and asked her,  "Why are you crying?" "
Oh, my Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson.
"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes, oh yes!" cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! 
That is not true!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord.
It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson,
you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him,
you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,'
you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health
and would not be able to take care of all three husbands,
so that is why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."
And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies,
it's for a good and honorable reason and in the best interest of others.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LIFE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA.................
A highway patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had
been wearing his seat belt he had won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?", asked the policeman.  "Well, I guess
I'm going to get a driver's license.", he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him!", yelled a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart
aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned,
"I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said in Spanish,
"Are we over the border yet," ?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.
The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, '
'Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally?
How is your connection with God?''
And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me.
Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.''
Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.
He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God.
He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for
him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?''
And she says, ''That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!''
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pauly's family is at dinner, the 10-year-old daughter isn't eating much,
and she just keeps her head down... After a few minutes, she says, "I
have something to tell you." Everyone gets silent and they all listen.
"I am no longer the virgin I used to be." And she begins to cry.
A long silence, and Pauly speaks to MrsPauly: "It's your fault, you
know, always dressed and made up like a tramp. You think that's an
example for your daughter? Always wallowing on the sofa; it's just
terrible; that's why problems like this come up!
Then MrsPauly lights in on Pauly: "And YOU! Do you think that you're a
good example? Wasting your scrawny paycheck with your drinking buddies
who even come drunk into the house--do you think that's a good example
for a little girl 10 years old?"
Then Pauly charges back in: "And her sister, that no-good, with her
hairy and dope-crazed boyfriend, always with their hands all over each
other and screwing in every room in the house--you think that's a good
example too?"  And it goes on and on, back and forth.
Then the grandmother hugs the little girl to console her and asks,
"Now, darling, how did this happen?
And the little girl answers, trying to hold back her sobbing: "Father
Michael chose another girl to be the Virgin in the Christmas pageant
this year."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"My wife has the worst memory I ever heard of." says Bob to his buddy Tom.
"Forgets everything, eh?" asks Tom.
"Naw," replies Bob.  "She remembers everything."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mrs. O'Malley arrives in Boston from Ireland, and
in no time at all her bean soup has made her the
talk of New England society. At a party
celebrating the sale of her recipe to a fancy
Charles Street restaurant, an old matron goes up
to Mrs. O'Malley and says, "My dear girl, what is
the secret of your soup?"
Mrs. O'Malley says, "The secret to me soup is
that I use but two-hundred thirty-nine beans to make it."
The woman says, "How come only two-hundred thirty-nine?"
Mrs. O'Malley says, "Because one more would make it too farty."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hey, Mom," asked Little Johnny, "can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not," she said.
"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad
said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her
purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did
he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a beautiful summer's day, a father and his eight-year-old son were
lying on the grass by the river bank, looking up at the sky and watching
the wisps of clouds float gently overhead. After a few minutes of silence,
the boy turned to the father and said, "Dad, why are we here?"
"That's a good question, Son.  I think we're here to enjoy days such as
this, to experience nature in all its glory, etc., etc., etc., etc....Does
that answer your question, son?"
"Not really, Dad.   What I meant was, why are we here when Mom said
to pick her up over an hour ago?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As the woman was instructing the new maid on the great care
required in handling certain valuable household objects.
She pointed to the dining room and said with obvious
satisfaction, "That table goes back to Louis the Fourteenth."
"Oh, that's nothing," the maid interjected. "My whole living
room set goes back to Sears the fifteenth."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain
evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.

TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.

TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.

TEACHER: Did you see God up there?
TOMMY: No.

TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. Possibly he just doesn't exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss!

LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss!

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes

LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No

LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she possibly may not even have one!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A boy who was a witness to a crime was on the witness stand in
court.  He was approached by the defense attorney who asked,
"Did anyone tell you what to say in court?"
"Yes, sir," answered the boy.
"I thought so," said the attorney.  "Who was it?"
"My father, sir."
"And what did he tell you?" the attorney asked accusingly.
"He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up,
but if I stuck to the truth, everything would be all right."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This morning on Highway 1, I looked over to my
left, and there was a woman
in a brand new Mitsi, doing 70 mph, with her face up next to her
rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple of seconds, and when I looked back
she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much, I
dropped my shaver, . . . . . . which knocked the donut out
of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out
the car using my knees against the steering wheel, I knocked my
cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my
legs, splashed, and burned "Big Jim and the Twins," ruined the darn phone, soaked my
trousers, and disconnected an important call.
Darn women drivers! ! !
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jethro, a young mountaineer, had just come into some money,
and decided to buy one of them new-fangled bathtubs,
instead of just the galvanized washtub he usually bathed in.
He went down to the plumber's shop, and arranged for them
to install it in his shack.
Next day, he was back at the plumber's, complaining. "The
water keeps draining out as fast as the faucet will pour
it in. I can't take a bath in it if the water won't stay long enough!"
The plumber asked, "Did you put the plug in?"
"What?" says Jethro. "You didn't tell me it was electric!"

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**** HEALTH NEWS ****

Tumors inhibit immune system  

SEATTLE, -- Seattle scientists have shown that tumors can  
manipulate the immune system to stop it from attacking  
cancer cells, said a study published in Nature Immunology.  
Tumors produce abnormal proteins that cause normally help-  
ful immune cells to inhibit attempts by the immune system  
to attack the cancer, instead of aiding the mobilization  
of the immune systems defenses. The study by Seattle's  
Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center found one of these  
proteins changes the role of otherwise helpful immune  
cells, called T helper cells, which in the early stages  
of the disease play a key role in the body's efforts to  
destroy cancer cells. In response to the tumor-derived  
soluble form of the protein, the cells divide and take on  
a suppressor role, reducing the anti-cancer potency of the  
immune system, the report said, but exactly how the T help-  
er cells become suppressor cells is not yet known. Lead  
researcher Dr. Thomas Spies said, "If one could prevent a  
tumor from producing the soluble protein it could be  
beneficial in terms of helping sustain the immune system's  
normal capacity to mount an anti-tumor response," the BBC  
reported Monday.   

SOME APPLES BETTER AT KEEPING DOC AWAY  

Red Delicious, Northern Spy and Ida Red apples might do a  
better job of keeping the doctor away than other apples,  
according to Canadian researchers. Rong Tsao of Agriculture  
and Agri-Food Canada, in Guelph, Ontario, pinpointed the  
individual chemical compounds responsible for antioxidant  
activity in apples. The findings, published in Journal of  
Agricultural and Food Chemistry, could lead to the breeding  
of hybrid apples that pack a heftier antioxidant punch --  
chemicals that scavenge and neutralize unstable molecules  
called free radicals. Free radicals appear to play a role  
in the onset of heart disease and prostate, colon and other  
cancers.   

PREPARING FOR SAFE SUMMER TRAVEL  

The American College of Emergency Physicians wants to re-  
mind U.S. motorists before summer begins to check their  
auto and equip it with a First Aid Kit. The physicians  
recommend a First Aid Kit contain: acetaminophen, ibuprofen,  
and aspirin tablets; antihistamine; anti-nausea/motion sick-  
ness medication; bandages of assorted sizes; bandage  
closures, safety pins; triangle bandage; elastic wraps;  
gauze and adhesive tape; scissors; antiseptic swipes; anti-  
biotic ointment; hydrogen peroxide; disposable, activating  
cold packs and first aid manual. Before summer travel:  
inspect or have the car inspected for brakes, tires, anti-  
freeze, wiper fluid, gasoline, lights, battery, and wipers.  
Pack several blankets, ample drinking water, flares, and  
two flashlights with fresh batteries.  


**** Reader's Submissions ****
This oughta upset everybody
How they vote in the United Nations:
Below are the actual voting records of various Arabic/Islamic States which are
recorded in both the US State Department and United Nations records:
Kuwait votes against the United States 67% of the time
Qatar votes against the United States 67% of the time
Morocco votes against the United States 70% of the time
United Arab Emirates votes against the U. S. 70% of the time.
Jordan votes against the United States 71% of the time.
Tunisia votes against the United States 71% of the time.
Saudi Arabia votes against the United States 73% of the time.
Yemen votes against the United States 74% of the time.
Algeria votes against the United States 74% of the time.
Oman votes against the United States 74% of the time.
Sudan votes against the United States 75% of the time.
Pakistan votes against the United States 75% of the time.
Libya votes against the United States 76% of the time.
Egypt votes against the United States 79% of the time.
Lebanon votes against the United States 80% of the time.
India votes against the United States 81% of the time.
Syria votes against the United States 84% of the time.
Mauritania votes against the United States 87% of the time.
U S Foreign Aid to those that hate us:
Egypt, for example, after voting 79% of the time against the United States,
still receives $2 billion annually in US Foreign Aid.
Jordan votes 71% against the United States
And receives $192,814,000 annually in US Foreign Aid.
Pakistan votes 75% against the United States
Receives $6,721,000 annually in US Foreign Aid.
India votes 81% against the United States
Receives $143,699,000 annually.
Perhaps it is time to get out of the UN and give the tax savings back to the American workers who are having to
skimp and sacrifice to pay the taxes (and gasoline).


**** ON THIS DAY ****

**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent.  I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!
 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 **** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****

Spiritual revival for Pettys

Kyle Busch draws fine

NASCAR issues $50,000, 25-point penalty for rhubarb in 600.

Story

Toyota stable to grow?

Two truck teams may make Cup leap with Japanese carmaker.

Story

Tough day at Brickyard

Foyt: Hard work prior to Indianapolis 500 fails to pay dividends.

Story

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**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****

1916 Singer-songwriter and radio personalilty Mac O'Dell  
born in Roanoke, Ala.  

1922 Vic Willis (Willis Brothers) born in Schulter, Okla.  
  
1938 Johnny Paycheck born in Greenfield, Ohio  

1952 Dale Henry Warren, one-time member of the Sons of the  
Pioneers, born in Summerville, Ky.  

1954 Paul Franklin, steel guitarist, born in Detroit  
  
1947 Eddy Arnold's No. 1 single, "It's a Sin," charted  

1969 Tammy Wynette's "Singing My Song" went to No. 1  
  
1980 Alabama's first No. 1 single "Tennessee River" charted  
  
1977 The Sons of the Pioneers' Lloyd Perryman, age 60, died  
  
1990 Bluegrass singer-mandolinist Red Rector died of a heart  
attack at age 60 in Knoxville, Tenn.  
  
1997 Lee Ann Womack debuted on the Grand Ole Opry  
  
1991 Randy Travis and Lib Hatcher married in Maui, Hawaii   



 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****


Tim McGraw and Faith Hill to Perform  
                 During Fundraiser in New York  

Tim McGraw and Faith Hill will perform June 22 at the fifth  
annual gala Samsung Four Seasons of Hope dinner at New York's  
Tavern on the Green. The event is a fundraiser for the  
couple's newly-established Neighbor's Keeper Foundation, a  
nonprofit organization designed to assist individuals impact-  
ed by natural disaster or social status, especially those  
still suffering in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. The  
event will also honor the continuing philanthropic efforts  
of Jon Bon Jovi, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani  
and sports legends Arnold Palmer, Joe Torre, Boomer Esiason,  
Earvin "Magic" Johnson and Wayne Gretzky.   

 

**** Amy's Kitchen ****