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Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

TGIF
FRIDAY JUNE 02,2006


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: The lion tamer at the circus who steps into the cage full of lions impresses everybody except a school bus driver.

When the car engine developed a slight knock, Bob asked his wife if she
had bought special or regular gas, but she couldn't remember. "You
probably got the cheaper gas," he said. "That could account for the
roughness of the engine."
"No, the gas wasn't cheaper!" she replied indignantly. "It cost the same
as always. I told the man to put in the usual ten dollars worth."
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My five-year-old daughter and I had the day to ourselves and spent it playing in the park. Later, cuddled on the couch with popcorn, watching The Wizard of Oz for the second time, she looked up and said, "You know, you're such a great Daddy I'm going to start calling you Mommy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day in heaven, the Lord decided He
would visit the earth and take a stroll. Walking
down the road, He encountered a man who
was crying.
The Lord asked the man, "Why are you crying,
my son?"
The man said that he was blind and had never
seen a sunset. The Lord touched the man who
could then see and was happy.
As the Lord walked further, He met another man
crying and asked, "Why are you crying my son?"
The man was born a cripple and was never able to
walk. The Lord touched him and he could walk and
he was happy.
Farther down the road, the Lord met another man
who was crying and asked, "Why are you crying,
my son?"
The man said, "Lord I work for the public school system."
... and the Lord sat down and cried with him!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I got the scoop on why Paul McCartney and his soon to be ex split up...

Paul McCartney bought Heather a new prosthetic leg and hid it in the closet. Unfortunately, she found it and confronted him with the artificial limb.

"Is this my main Christmas present," she asked?

"No," said Paul. "It's just a stocking stuffer."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement:
"We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that our
product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has
there
ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France.
Indeed, our mustard is manufactured in Rochester, NY. The only thing we
have
in common is that we are both yellow."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My husband went on a sudden business trip, and I accompanied him. It
soon
became apparent that he could not wrap things up in one day, so his
employer
put us up for the night in a luxury hotel. We found a convenience store
and
purchased toothbrushes, a razor and
other necessary items.

Finally we entered the lobby of the hotel, each of us toting
a brown paper bag filled with supplies. The hotel manager looked us
over.
Raising an eyebrow, he intoned haughtily, "Matched luggage?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"At the end of 'American Idol,' Ryan Seacrest announced that more than 63 million votes were cast, which is more than any president in U.S. history has ever received. In a related story, this morning Hillary Clinton bought a karaoke machine." --Conan O'Brien
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aggravated wife to husband who's hiding behind the newspaper: "You can
stop
saying, 'Uh-huh.' I stopped talking an hour ago."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Former CEO of Enron Ken Lay is going away. He's going to be sentenced in September, and it could be 16-18 years. But he got some good news today -- Martha said she'd wait for him." --David Letterman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a
quarter.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad
realizes
the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for
help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman is sitting at a
coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of
coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on
the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper, gets up from her seat and makes
her
way, unhurried, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles
and
starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a
few
seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the
woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman
hands
the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar
without
saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects,
the
father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've
never
seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a
doctor?"

"No," the woman replies. "I work for the IRS"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After I had been advised by the head nurse to expect a patient with chest pain, I immediately ushered the frail elderly lady who came through the doors from registration into an examining room. I helped her into a hospital gown, checked her vital signs and attached her to a cardiac monitor. As I was getting the equipment for a blood sample, I explained the procedure. With a bemused look, the patient replied, "I only came in to visit my husband and bring him his glasses."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the pet shop, the clerk put the parakeet we had bought for my sister's birthday in a box and then put the box in a bag. When we got home and the parakeet was safely in its cage, I noticed the printing on the bag. We all laughed when I read it out to the family: "Take home a tasty treat for your cat today."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men vs.Women

Any married man should forget his mistakes -- There's no use in two 
people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow 
deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man 
marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after 
that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before 
marriage & after.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
There was a middle aged couple, who had two stunningly
beautiful teenaged blonde daughters. They decided to try one
last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying the wife became pregnant and sure
enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The
joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took
one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever
seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he
could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful
daughters I fathered. then he gave her a stern look and asked,
"Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one
day.  He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened
to be manning.

"This mower work, son?" the preacher asked.

Little Johnny said, "Sure does -- just pull on the cord hard,
though."

The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to
mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord.  Nothing
worked.  It wouldn't start.

Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little
Johnny's house.  "You said this would work if I pulled on the
cord hard enough."

"Well," Johnny said, "you need to cuss at it sometimes."

The preacher was aghast.  "I've not done that in years!"

"Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher.  It'll come back to
you."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
They say you shouldn't say nothing about the dead unless it's
good. He's dead. Good.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
An old woman, a young woman, and Englishman, and an
Irishman are travelling in the compartment of a train together
across the British countryside.  Each of the four of them is
ignoring the other three.

Suddenly, the train enteres a tunnel, and the compartment is
thrown into pitch blackness.  Out of the darkness comes the
sound of a kiss, then the sound of a slap.

The train leaves the tunnel, and the travellers act as though
nothing happened.

The old woman, however, is thinking to herself, "Look at that
young woman sitting there next to me, acting as if nothing
happened.  I KNOW the Englishman kissed her."

The young woman is thinking to herself, "Why would an
Irishman kiss an old lady?"

The Englishman is thinking to himself, "I didn't to anything!
Why'd I get MY face slapped?"

And the Irishman is thinking to himself, "How do you like that?
I kiss the back of my hand, slap an Englishman in the face and
get away with it!"
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Two young men who had just graduated from Harvard were all
excited and talking effusively as they got into a taxi in downtown
Boston.  After hearing them for a couple of minutes the cab
driver asked, "You men Harvard graduates?"

"Yes Sir!  Class of '96!" they answered proudly.

The cab driver extended his hand back to shake their hand,
saying, "Class of '58."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
The young lady entered the doctor's office carrying an infant.
"Doctor," she explained, "the baby seems to be ailing.
Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week."

The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze
the girl's breasts. He then unbuttoned her blouse,
removed the bra and began powerfully sucking on one nipple.
"Young lady," he finally announced, "no wonder the baby is
losing weight, you haven't any milk!"

"Of course not!" she shrieked. "It's not my child, it's my sister's!"
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting
of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must
be British."

"Nonsense," the  Frenchman disagrees.  "They're naked, and
so beautiful.  Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have
only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise.
They are Russian."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
A girl walked up to the information desk in her local hospital
and said, "I need to see the upturn, please."

"I think, you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on
duty.

"Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination.'"

"Don't you mean 'examination,'" the nurse questioned her
again.

"Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway."

"I'm sure you mean the maternity ward."

To which the girl replied: "Upturn, intern; contamination,
examination; fraternity, maternity....  What's the difference?  All
I know is I haven't demonstrated in two months, and I think
I'm stagnant."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana
and he wanted  a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the
worst  way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the
local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of
one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just
go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes
made at a reasonable price!"

The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will
run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying
the same thing."

So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a
few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in
the water.  He thought,  "those  must  be the two Marines the
guy in town was talking  about."  Just then, the Ranger saw a
tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater
towards one of the Marines.

Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its
neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little
effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on
its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.

One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Darn, this one doesn't
have any shoes either!"
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came
upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a
rope. "That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man
helping his fellow man".

As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other,
"Well, he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Thanks to The Ole Fritzbear, Fred
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**** HEALTH NEWS ****

NO HAIR DYE-CANCER LINK FOUND  

Scientists say they have found no scientific evidence for  
a link between using hair dyes and developing cancer. The  
study, reported in the Journal of the American Medical  
Association, notes a growing worldwide concern about such  
a connection because some one-third of European and North  
American women and 10 percent of men over 40 use chemical  
hair color enhancements. "Permanent dyes, the most  
aggressive type, represent 70 percent of the market share  
-- even more in Asia," says Dr. Bahti Takkouche of the  
University of Santiago de Compostela in Spain. His team's  
analysis of 79 studies from 11 countries showed that  
"globally, there is no effect of personal hair dye use on  
the risk of breast and bladder cancer." The authors noted  
a "borderline" effect for hematopoietic cancers, such as  
leukemia and multiple myeloma, which they think deserve  
further study.   

PROTECTING EYES FROM SUN  

Your eyes need as much protection from harmful sun rays as  
your skin, doctors say. The ultraviolet rays can increase  
the risk of developing such eye disorders as cataracts and  
age-related macular degeneration, two leading causes of  
reduced vision in the United States. So, when going out on  
a sunny day, specialists advise, wear a hat and sunglasses  
with UV protection. For even greater protection, you may  
want to consider UV-blocking contact lenses to keep out the  
harmful rays that can enter the eye from above and around  
the sunglasses. "Everyone, especially individuals who spend  
time in the sun for extended periods, is at risk for eye  
damage from the sun year-round," says Dr. Stephen Cohen, a  
Scottsdale, Ariz., optometrist and past president of the  
Arizona Optometric Association. "Taking steps to protect  
your eyes is as important as applying sunscreen to protect  
your skin."   

THERAPY MAY HELP STROKE PATIENTS  

A therapy using magnetic pulses to stimulate the brain may  
help improve recovery after a stroke, scientists say. In  
their study, published in Neurology, the treatment, called  
repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation, improved  
motor function in a small group of patients. For the stim-  
ulation, an insulated wire coil is placed on the scalp, and  
a brief electrical current is passed through, creating a  
magnetic pulse that stimulates the outer part of the brain,  
called the cortex. The study involved eight stroke patients,  
ages 35 to 63, who were relearning to use their hands. They  
were compared to six people who had never had a stroke.  
With the stimulations, the stroke patients improved by as  
much as 50 percent on some of the tests, says Dr. Felipe  
Fregni of Harvard Medical School and Beth Israel Deaconess  
Medical Center in Boston. "These results need to be  
confirmed by larger studies with more patients, but the  
results are encouraging," he says.  


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