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Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

MONDAY JUNE 04,2006


THOUGHT FOR TODAY:Rummage sale: where you
buy stuff from somebody else's attic to store in your own.

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he
meant business!

The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked,

"How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make
$300 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's
four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about him self, the CEO looked around the room and
asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
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In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave. This year the two lucky patients were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for her questioning.

When Patty came into the office, she was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor. "Patty, you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin. Patty nodded, and the doctor began to question her.

The first question was this: "Patty, if I was to poke out one of your eyes, what would happen?" "I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought. "What would happen if I poked out the other eye?" "I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that she had just gotten her freedom. The doctor then sent her outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files.

When Patty got into the waiting room however, she told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were. The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. "Mike, the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?" "I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told.

This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking. "Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?" "I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.

But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes."
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Still More How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity in the Workplace

- Hang mistletoe over your desk.

- Include a personal note on every e-mail you send. "On a personal note, I'm feeling a bit tired and grumpy today." "On a personal note, I'm pleased to announce that I got my highest score ever on Tetris last night."

- Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn't turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers.

- While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive".

- Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.

- For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.

- Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc. in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

- Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
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Adam was returning home late one night at paradise after
drinking with the dodo and the unicorn. Eve got angry and
yelled at him: "YOU ARE SEEING ANOTHER WOMAN"

Adam responded: "Don't be silly, you are the only woman on
earth" and went to sleep.

Later that night Adam woke up. filling a tickle in his chest and
saw it was Eve. "What the heck are you doing?" he asked.

"I'm counting your ribs" she responded.
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A church was preparing for Easter services. The pastor
decided he wanted a banner made for the entryway and had a
parishoner call the banner company. The parishoner told the
man on the phone the message he wanted and the
dimensions needed for the entryway. The sign came back a
few days later: "Unto Mary Jesus was born, six feet long and
two feet wide".
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This was seen on an outside board next to Dairy Queen:
HEY KIDS, SCREAM UNTIL DADDY STOPS!
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Back when Nixon was running for president There were of course billboards lining the
highway, one of which read, "one out of every three adults
has a mental disorder." The very next billboard read,
"Nixon's the one."
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Mabel, who is 60 years old, goes to her doctor for her annual
physical. He examines her thoroughly and says "Mabel, i've got
good news and bad news for you."

Mabel said "What's the good news?" The doctor says "You are
in wonderful shape. I can't find anything at all wrong with you."

Mabel then asked "What's the bad news?" The doctor said
"You're pregnant!" Mabel flew out of his office.

She was very upset, and ran home and called her husband at
work. When he answered, she said "You old goat-you got me
pregnant!"

After a long pause, he said "Who's calling?"
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One day, two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an
emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they
found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom.
They had been shot to death.

When they went to the living room, they found the body of a
man with a gun at his side.

"No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a
double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found
his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both.
Then he shot himself."

"You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and
suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to
say 'it could have been worse."

"No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in
the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't
be worse. You're on."

About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked
into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then
walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with
the gun by his side. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said,
shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This
guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else
and shot them both. Then he shot himself."

After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his
deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it
could have been worse."

The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted,
"Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three
people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It
couldn't have been worse??"

"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on
the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in
there in that bed!"
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"Today," said the professor , "I will be lecturing about the liver
and spleen."

Up in the gallery, one med student leaned toward the other,
"Damn, if there's one thing I can't stand it's an organ recital!"
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A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being
watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him
intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget
drags a small stepladder up next to him,climbs it,and proceeds
to admire his privates at close range.

"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I
have ever seen!"

Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to
move away.

"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little
fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."

Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it,
he obliges the request.The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip
on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll
jump off the ladder!"
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A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park..

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blo cks away . He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"
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The Ole Fritzbear
Boudreaux at the hunting camp with 3 buddies, drinking beer and playing
bouree. We'll call them: Thibodeaux, Gauthreaux, and Fontenot.
"Boudreaux ", says Fontenot, "You coming hunt them bear with us in the
morn?" Boudreaux , the excellent hunter that he is, says," Non, I think
I'll go alone; I hunt better that way". So, in the morning when everyone
else woke to go on the hunt, there was ole Boudreaux , returning from
his hunt with a big black bear. There was only ONE bullet hole on the
bear, right between the eyes. "Damn, you are a good shot", says
Thibodeaux, who is leaving to go hunting. "Yep, one shot - that's all it
took"says Boudreaux ,"I told you!" Well, they came back later that day
without a single bear. That night, the same routine; beer and bouree.
Thibodeaux asks Boudreaux  if he'll go on the hunt with them in the
morn. Again, Boudreaux  says "No, I hunt better alone." So, in the morn
all 3 guys are leaving for the hunt when Boudreaux is returning with a
bear. Again, only ONE bullet hole between the eyes. Gauthreaux, not
believing what he's seeing, exclaims "Boudreaux , how you do it with one
shot? You can't be that good, huh?" Well, the same thing happens later
that day; they return without a single bear. The next morning Boudreaux
returns with a bear as the other 3 are leaving for their hunt. But, this
time, there were 3 bullet holes on the bear; one in between the eyes,
one in the left paw, and one in the right paw. Gauthreaux , seeing the
three bullet holes,exclaims, "Uh huh, I knew you couldn't do it three
times in a row with one bullet; I knew you wasn't that good!!" Boudreaux
, remaining calm, says "No man, all it took was one shot - that's it!!
You see, it was pretty dark when I shot him. I put my flashlight up like
that and shined it at his eyes. When he saw the light , he put both his
hands over his eyes to cover them, and that's when I shot."
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When I first returned back to the United States from being stationed in Japan while in the Marine Corps, three of my buddies and I went to Laguna Beach, California, close to where we were stationed in Camp Pendleton, to ride horses, and of course to check out the beautiful ladies that hang out there. Upon arrival, the lady that was "issuing" the horses walked up to me and gave me a little card which asked questions like "how many times have you ridden a horse". Well, since I had never been on a horse, I put down "0" and she advised me on what to do and told me that she was going to give me a very tame horse. We all got on our horses, and took off down this fenced path that went for about fifty feet, and then it opened up to where you could just ride along the beach with no boundaries. We rode up to this little trail that led to the beach, and unlike everyone elses', my horse would not go down the trail. After trying for what seemed like 10 minutes, we all decided to ride back to the stables and speak with the lady that had given me the horse. She gave me a little "Stick" looking thing that was about a foot and a half long and told me that if the horse acted up again, to just tap his ears with it and the horse would do what ever I wanted it to. So, off we went again. We got back to the same little trail, my horse again refused to go down, so I smacked it on the ears with the "little stick" My horse took off so fast I barely had time to think and grab onto the saddle horn, almost getting thrown off. All I could do was hang on as this horse ran right by over 50 people that were waiting in a line to get on the horses, to the back of the stables where there were other horses eating, and nudged his way in between two other horses and began to eat, with me still sitting on it. I looked back at the crowd and they were rolling with laughter as I sat there still on top of it, so embarassed!! To this day, I will not ride a horse nor do I care to.

If they ever find a way to put a steering wheel and a brake pedal on a horse, then I will ride one!!! I guess you know that I never heard the end of it from my buddies.
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As a member of the Marine Corps, I was stationed at Twenty-Nine Palms Base in California. Among those serving there was a private who was determined not to re-enlist.

At inspection one morning, the officer asked him, "Are you married, son?"

"No, sir," he replied. "Engaged."

"There's no need to get married," the officer said, sensing an opportunity to change the private's plans for discharge. "The Marine Corps is your wife. It clothes you, feeds you, puts a roof over your head, keeps you in top physical condition and provides you with companionship. What else could you possibly want?"

"With all due respect, sir," answered the private, "a divorce!"
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