Senior Citizens are very Valuable . . . . Check this out

We are more valuable than any of the younger generation:

We have silver in our hair,
We have gold in our teeth,
We have precious stones in our kidneys,
We have lead in our feet; and,
We are loaded with natural gas.
SO THERE!!!!
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Another goodie for Old Timers...

My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter
AND I used to eat it raw sometimes, too.Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e.coli.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.

The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.

We all took gym, not PE... and risked permanent in-jury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.

Flunking gym was not an option... even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.

We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.

Oh yeah...and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!
We played 'king of the hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.

Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked there, and then we got butt spanked again when we got home.

I recall the kid from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop, just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?
We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?

TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA, AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T- SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED. I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING !!!!
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I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time
in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated.

"Excuse me." I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?"

The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button,
and operate the release handle. "And where does the money come out?"
I asked.

He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying,
"Usually at the ATM."
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Here is Another CLASSIC,,,,''

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.

As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"

In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"

Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"

The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.

As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.

Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."
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In line at the bookstore, I couldn't help noticing
the two bestsellers the person in front of me was
prepared to puchase:

"CONVERSATIONS WITH GOD" and "HOW TO ARGUE AND WIN
EVERY TIME."
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At the police station, Bubba explained to the
police officer why his cousins shot him.

"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good
time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up
his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows
wanna go hunting?'"

"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.

"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood
up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"
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A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before
Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in
expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his
friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for
Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all
his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food.

He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad,
the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.
Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long
silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked,
"If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"
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Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House.
 
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.
 
When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.
 
That afternoon, George told his wife Laura about the urinal.
 
"Just think, "he said, "when I am president, I could have a gold urinal, too.  But I wouldn't do anything that self-indulgent!"

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill,
 
"I found out who pissed in your saxophone!"
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BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR,  DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY.


A Charlotte, North Carolina lawyer purchased a box of very rare and
expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and
without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the
lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer
stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance
company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed
the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued.. and WON!  Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the
insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated
nevertheless, that the lawyer "held a policy from the company which it had
warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would
insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be
unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company
accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the
cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART..

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on
24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the
previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of
intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in
jail and a $24,000 fine.


This is a true story and was the First Place winner in a recent Criminal
Lawyers Award Contest.
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Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato

had eyes for each other,

and finally they got married,

and had a little sweet potato,

which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time,

they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out

and getting half-baked,

so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed,

and get a bad name for herself like

'Hot Potato,'

and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry,

no Spud would get her into

the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand

she wouldn't stay home

and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise

so as not to be skinny

like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe,

Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam

to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland.

And the greasy guys from France

called the French Fries.

And when she went out west,

to watch out for the Indians

so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on

the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate

with those high class Yukon Golds,

or the ones from the other side of the tracks

who advertise their trade

on all the trucks that say,

'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U.

(that's Potato University)

so that when she graduated

she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her,

one-day Yam came home and announced

she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't

possibly marry Tom Brokaw

because he's just.......

Are you ready for this?


Are you sure?

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OK! Here it is!

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A COMMON TATER
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The Judge admonished the witness, "Do you understand
that you have sworn to tell the truth?"

"I do."

"Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"

"Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."
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The Ole Fritzbear in Chicago

For the biscuit lovers!!! KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that L inda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

Linda is a blonde, but I'm certain that's irrelevant.
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A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry... There will be Hell to pay later! 
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"Kia has a new slogan. 'The power to surprise.' I can  
understand that. Anytime you put a key in one and it starts,  
you're surprised!" --Jay Leno   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"President Bush is sending troops to the Mexican border. He's  
going to have them look for tequila of mass destruction."  
 --David Letterman   
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"The Chicago Transit Authority has announced that there will  
be new cars on the L-Train ensuring riders of a quieter ride.  
This will mean that the only people in the city that won't  
be able to hear the L will be the people inside riding it."  
 --Conan O'Brien 
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One evening, two girlfriends and I went to a nightclub,  
only to find the place packed with young people. At 40,  
we felt old, but before we could make a dignified exit,  
a tall, handsome man approached us.  

"Perhaps we were being a little hasty in leaving," I  
thought.  

Then with a big smile, the man extended his hand to one  
of my friends and said, "Hello. Remember me? You were my  
third grade teacher."   
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Woman: "No, I'm telling you, I'm right! He couldn't eat the  
Trix because he was an adult rabbit, and Trix were only  
supposed to be for kids."  

Man: "Well, I always thought it was just because he was a  
rabbit and not a person."  

[A period of silence -- the woman looks down at her food.]  

Man: "What's wrong?"  

Woman: "I'm just really getting tired of you always being  
wrong."
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This marks the third time that the trio, who are releasing their first studio album since the brouhaha in 2003 over lead singer Natalie Maines' comments attacking President Bush on tour in London, has hit the top spot. On the country chart, the Chicks are taking over for Rascal Flatts' "Me and My Gang."

"Take the Long Way" sold 526,000 units in its first week out. The group's 2002 release, "Home," debuted with sales of 780,000 units. However, since then, sales generally in the record industry have been down.


**** Amy's Kitchen ****