Tricky Baseball Question Pay attention... Three old ladies are going to 
a Mariners game. They've never been and are very excited because the 
Mariners are playing. But just to make the game a little more 
interesting, they bring along a bottle of Jack Daniels. It's a really 
good game and the crowd's into it and everybody is having a good time. 
The little old ladies keep adding a little Jack Daniels to their colas 
and are having a wonderful time. There's still a lot of game left when 
they notice that they are out of Jack Daniels. Question: What inning is 
it? Did you pay attention?  Really Close Attention???  Keep Scrolling 
Down        It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded!
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Your Finest Mink

A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. "Show the 
lady
your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in
back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the 
lady
tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir, that
particular fur goes for $65,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a check!"

"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come 
by
on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store
owner is outraged, "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn`t a
single penny in your checking account!!"

"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most
wonderful weekend of my ENTIRE LIFE!!!
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As the forman was inspecting the workmen on site, he was
suprised to find one worker hanging from a rope in the middle
of the room repeating, "I'm a chandelier, I'm a chandelier."

The foreman gives him a stern talking to as the other men
watched and orders him back to work. During his next
inspection of the same room, again the worker is hanging from
the rope doing exactly what he was told not to.

Furious at his disobedience the foreman fires him on the spot.
To his surprise every worker in the room begins packing up
their tools and leaving.

He stops one worker and says, "Why are all of you leaving?"

To which the reply is "You don't expect us to work without light
do you?"
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A man walks into a bar. He sees a good-looking, smartly dressed woman
sitting on the bar stool.
He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there, how's it going?"
Having already had a few drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him
straight in the eyes and says, "Listen! I'll screw anybody, any time,
anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter."
He says, "No kidding, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"
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The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an 
urgent problem
with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone 
number and was
greeted with a child's whispered,
"Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, 
the boss asked,
"Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,
"Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes," came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home 
alone, the boss
decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be 
there watching over
the child.
"Is there anyone else there in your house?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the Boss 
asked, "May I
speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," whispered the child.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a 
helicopter through
the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked,
"What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed hushed voice the child answered,
"The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss 
asked,
"What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied, along with a muffled giggle:
"Me."
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  Little Johnny watched the science teacher

start the experiment with the worms.

  Four worms were placed into four separate jars.


  The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

  The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

  The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.

  The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.


  After one day, these were the results:

  The first worm in alcohol - dead.

  The second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.

  The third worm in sperm - dead.

  The fourth worm in soil - alive.


  So the Science teacher asked the class -

"What can you learn from this experiment?"


  Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said,

  "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex,

you won't have worms!
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Any oldie, but goodie!  Spaghetti !

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several 
years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she 
was
pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid 
her a
large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. 
If
she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child 
support
until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when 
the
baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a
postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for
child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 
"Honey,
she said, "You've received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just 
give
it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed, and 
watched
as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted! On the card was
written, "Spaghetti,

Spaghetti, Spaghetti"; "Two with meatballs, one without."
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  A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and
         brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in,
         she poured him out on the  patio table. Then, while tracing
         her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.
         "Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it
         with the insurance money! Irving, remember that new car you
         promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!
         Irving, do you remember that emerald necklace you promised
         me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money."
         Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving,
         remember that blow job I promised you?
         Here it comes..."
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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with
         four young mothers and their small children. "You all have
         obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said,
         'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your
         daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession
         is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name,
         Penny." He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is
         alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name,
         Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her
         little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
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Sometimes we just need to Remember What The 12 Rules of Life Really 
Are...

  1. Never Give Yourself a Haircut After Three Margaritas.

  2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
  If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40.
  If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

  3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are
  "I apologize" and "you are right."

  4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them

  5. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

  6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them.

  7. Learn to pick your battles;
  Ask yourself,  "Will this matter one year from now? How about one 
month?
  One week?  One day?"

  8. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately.
  It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

  9. If You Woke up Breathing, Congratulations! You have another chance!

  10. Living Well Really is The Best Revenge.
  Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might 
mean that the other person was right about you.

  11. Work is Good, but it's Not That Important.
  Money is Nice,  But You Can't Take It With You.
  Statistics show most people don't live to spend all they saved;
  some Die even before they retire. Anything we have isn't really ours;
  it was given to us by God; He just let us borrow it while we're
  here....even our kids.

12. And Finally... Be Really Good To Your Family And/Or Friends.
  You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
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The Ole Fritzbear, Fred

A fellow tries to cross the Mexican border
on a bicycle with two big bags balanced on his
shoulders. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"

The fellow says, "Sand!"

The guard wants to examine them. The fellow
gets off the bike, places the bags on the ground,
opens them up, and the guard inspects... only
to find sand. The fellow packs the sand, places
the bags on his shoulders, and pedals the bike
across the border.

Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated...

"What have you there?"

"Sand"

"We want to examine."

Same results... nothing but sand and the fellow
is on his way again.

Every two weeks for six months the inspections
continue. Finally, one week the fellow didn't
show up. However, the guard sees him downtown
and says to the fellow, "Buddy, you had us crazy.
We sort of knew you were smuggling something.
I won't say anything, what were you smuggling?"

The fellow says, "Bicycles."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A city boy, Richard, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an
old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the
next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have
some bad news. The donkey died."

Richard replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Richard said, "Okay then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him"?

Richard said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" the farmer says.

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead." Richard said.

A month later the farmer met up with Richard and asked, "What happened
with that dead donkey"?

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made
a profit of $898.00."

"Didn't anyone complain"? the farmer asked.

"Just the guy who won. So, I gave him his two dollars back."

Richard grew up and eventually became the chairman of Health South
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Garage Sale

Early one evening, a man went out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture
out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawn mower, a few gardening
tools and a bicycle.

A curious neighbor wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage
sale.

"No," replied the gentleman, "my son just bought his first car and right now
he's getting ready for a big date."

"So what's with all the stuff"? asked the neighbor.

"Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the
way every time I came home from work, I wanted to make sure the driveway was
ready for him."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HOW NOT TO COMMIT A BANK ROBBERY

Here are some easy lessons gleaned from the experiences of
a number of would-be bank robbers.

Pick The Right Bank:
You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in
Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer
in business and had no money.

Study Your History:
Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield,
Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the
townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture
three of his gang. Nobody tried again until 1984, and the
customers chased the guy down. They're tight with their
dollar, those Minnesotans.

Speak To The Right Teller:
One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller,
and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out
of shape about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat
on him until authorities arrived.

Don't Sign Your Demand Note:
Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena
issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on an
envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit.
And in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a with-
drawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.

Don't Advertise:
A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention
from her face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra
while holding up banks.

Go Easy On The Disguise:
One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up,
ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal
ever to be positively identified by lip-print.

Take Right Turns Only:
Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a
wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up
to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a
tollbooth, offered the security men money.

Be Aware Of The Time:
Imagine the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire,
Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to
escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped
in rush hour traffic until police arrived.

Consider Another Line Of Work:
Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI
robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into
his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died
instantly.

Be Strong:
Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea,
Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no
money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police
arrived. His getaway car parked nearby had the keys locked
inside.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Someone was arrested earlier this week for throwing a  
bag over the White House fence and climbing over it.  
Turned out it was just Hillary Clinton with carpet  
samples." --Jay Leno  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Did you hear about this? Homeland Security is cutting  
funding to New York City ... and raising funding for  
Nebraska. Well, at least the corn will sleep better."  
 --David Letterman  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Former Enron executives Ken Lay and Jeffrey Skilling were  
found guilty of bankrupting the company and its employees.  
Both are facing over 100 years in prison. This makes them  
the only two Enron employees who don't have to worry about  
paying for retirement. --Conan O'Brien  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lawyer was getting fitted for a suit at his tailor's  
office. As he was standing there, he decided to have some  
fun with the man. "I guess our jobs are pretty similar,"  
said the lawyer.  

The tailor remained silent, so the lawyer continued, "What  
I mean is that we're both in the same business - making  
suits.  And both of our suits end up in a court of law."  

The tailor said nothing, but continued measuring, so the  
lawyer added, "Of course, I went to college and then law  
school for seven years to learn how to make my suits."  

"Yes," said the tailor, "but when I make a suit, it only  
costs you a hundred dollars."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife and I take turns walking our five-year-old daughter  
to the bus stop for school every morning. Today was my turn,  
and as me and all the other moms in the neighborhood waited  
one of them asked me to say hello to my wife.  

"I will," I said. "it'll make her feel better. She has  
pneumonia..."  

"Oh, poor girl," they all said in unison.  

One of them crooked her eyebrow at me and said, "I hope  
you're helping her with the kids, the cooking and cleaning."  

"I can't," I said pointing to the band aid on my index finger.  
"Hangnail." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A very large old building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper.
Due to its proximity to other buildings, it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind
the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.
When the police arrived, they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed
and standing upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more; they had to know who they found.
They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to
know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
The police said it's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 National Hide-and-Seek Champion."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mac died at the controls of his plane and went to pilots' hell,
where he found a hideous devil and three doors.
The devil was busy escorting other pilots to various "hell rooms."
"I'll be right back, don't go away," said the devil, and he vanished.
Sneaking over to the first door, Mac peeked in and saw a cockpit where the
pilot was condemned to forever run through pre-flight checks.
He slammed that door and peeked into the second. There, alarms rang and red
lights flashed while a pilot had to avoid one emergency after another.
Unable to imagine a worse fate, Mac cautiously opened the third door.
He was amazed to see many beautiful, scantily clad flight
attendants answering to a captain's every whim. He quickly
returned to his place seconds before the devil reappeared.
"Okay, Mac," said the devil, "Which door will it be, number 1 or
number 2?"
"Um, I want door number 3," answered Mac.
"Sorry," said the devil. "You can't have door number 3. That's
flight attendants' hell."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As the three ladies picked up a menu, each put on a pair of glasses. "I really only need mine for close reading," explained the first.

Remarked the second, "I only use mine when the light is bad."

The third confessed, "I rarely wear mine - except when I want to see."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman joined a health spa, and on her first day eagerly joined in an exercise class. However, when it ended she went to the front desk and requested cancellation of her membership. When asked why, she replied, "Your floors are so low that I cannot touch my toes!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Today an intruder made it on to the front lawn of the White House when President Bush was home. He was apprehended by the secret service. The Secret Service says this is the fourth time the man jumped over the White House fence. We want to build along the entire Mexico border...we can't keep people out of the White House!" --Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"CBS has replaced Bob Schiefer with Katie Couric. Bob is gone so I am now the dullest man on CBS." --David Letterman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Congratulations to Hugh Hefner who turned 80 years old over the weekend. One of his girlfriends told reporters he was like the creepy grandfather she never had. Hugh's at that awkward age. Too young to retire, too old to be dating any of those women." --Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Tonight a new version of 'The Ten Commandments' was shown right here on CBS. In this updated version Moses parts two cowboys." -- David Letterman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The scandal of the week for the White House is that Dick Cheney's main man Scooter Libby says that it was Bush himself who approved leaking classified information. I find that hard to believe, that President Bush is allowed to see classified information." --Bill Maher
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The Senate failed to reach a compromise on immigration legislation, which would have allowed illegal immigrants who have been in the U.S. longer than five years to remain, while those who have been here between two years and five years would have to leave, but could return as guest workers. And immigrants here less than two years will be right back with your entrees." -- Tina Fey
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"President Bush threw out the first pitch Monday at Cincinnati's great American ball park. Eighteen Iraqis were killed." --Amy Poehler
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"In a speech President Bush accidentally referred to the Senate immigration bill as the Senate energy bill. Afterwards, the president apologized for his mistake and reminded everyone to support our brave troops in Norway." --Conan O'Brien
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hurricane season is less than two months away. There's no joke here. I just wanted to give FEMA a heads up." --Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was Friday and Skip and I were headed out to lunch.

"Hey, do you have change for a hundred dollar bill?" I asked as we drove to the restaurant.

"I think I do," he said pulling a wad of bills out of his pocket. "Here," he said handing me five twenties.

"Great, thanks," I said pocketing the money. "I'll give you the hundred on Monday."

Q: Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
A: You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on
Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest
of the week.
~
Money talks, but a credit card uses sign language.
~
I must have money...I still have checks in my checkbook.
~
Hummingbirds are nature's way of teaching humility to cats.
~
Tolerance is letting other people find happiness in their own way instead of your way.
~
Youthful Figure: What you get when you ask a woman her age.

MOMENTS FOR LOVE

By: Joseph J. Mazzella

     I had a three dog couch waiting on me when I got home this morning. As I came through the front door I saw that each cushion on my couch had a little, furry ball curled up on it, sleeping peacefully. I smiled when I saw this and petted each of them lovingly as I walked by. It only took a few seconds of my time, but it filled my heart with joy.

     As we go through our often busy days it is funny how the best parts of them seem to be those little moments we make for sharing love. They take so little of our time and yet the rewards they bring us are beyond belief. They strengthen our hearts, uplift our souls, and energize our bodies. They make our lives a joy to live and a delight to share. They bring us peace, happiness, goodness, and most of all oneness with God. Three of the most important words in the Bible are: "God is love." Every moment we spend living in love then is a moment spent living in oneness with God.

     Try to spend and share some moments for love in your own life today. Pet your dogs, cuddle your cats, and feed the birds. Hug your loved ones, look them in the eye, and say "I love you." Smile at the cashier in the store, give a compliment to a friend, and share a good laugh at work. Open a door for a stranger, help an elderly person with their bags, and do a few random acts of kindness when noone is looking. They only take a few seconds each day, but they bring you joy for a lifetime.

     It takes so little time to live in love. It takes so few moments to share that love with the world. It is these moments, however, that join your heart to God’s and fill your life with light. Don’t miss out on them. Make time for them and choose them everyday of your life. Moments of love lead to a lifetime of love and a lifetime of love leads to an eternity of love.

THREE THINGS TO THINK ABOUT:

1. COWS

2. THE CONSTITUTION, and

3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

       COWS

      Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington?  And, they tracked her calves to their stalls.  But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.  Maybe we should give them all a cow.

        THE CONSTITUTION

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq.   Why don't we just give them ours?  It was written by a lot of really smart  guys, it's worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it  anymore.

        TEN COMMANDMENTS

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a

The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment.