An elderly nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site
noticed the coarse language of the workers and felt she should spend
some
time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with
them for a while. So she put her small sandwich in a brown bag and
walked
over to the spot where the men were eating.

As she approached the group she said, with a big smile, "Do you men know
Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other. Then one of the workers
looked up into the steelworker and yelled, "Anybody up there know Jesus
Christ!?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Yeah! Why!?"

The worker yelled back, "His wife's here with his lunch."
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A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some Polish Sausage. The clerk looked at him and asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I wasJewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya huh? Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well, no."
Getting more worked up, the guy rants on, "And if I asked you for some Irish
whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish? What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?"
The clerk replies, "Well, I probably wouldn't."
With self-indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."
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One of my most difficult tasks as a flight attendant is to
enforce
rules while keeping customers happy. The electronic equipment that
comes
on board creates the greatest challenge. I walk the aisle asking
passengers to turn off computers, electronic games and cell phones,
which
can create interference in communications between the pilot and the air
traffic control tower.
During one landing, a man persistently kept his cell phone at his
ear. I confronted him and said, "Sir, you cannot talk on your phone
until
we reach the gate."
"I am not talking," he replied. "I'm listening."
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A Texan was standing admiring the beauty of Niagara Falls when a New Yorker standing next to him said sarcastically: "I bet you don't have anything like this in Texas."

"No," said the Texan, "but we've got plumbers who could fix it!"
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"I've been divorced for seven years now. Each year I celebrate the anniversary of my divorce by watching my wedding video, backwards. It's very therapeutic. First, you see the bouquet flying into my hands, we take the rings off, we look at each other and say, "Do I?" and march back up the aisle."
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I don't understand couples who break up and get back together, especially couples who divorce and remarry. That's like pouring milk on a bowl of cereal, tasting it and saying, "This milk is sour. Well, I'll put it back in the refrigerator, maybe it will be okay tomorrow." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The truck driver looked suspiciously at the soup he had just been served
in
a backwoods eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning, but two of
the
spots were suspicious. "Hey," he called out to the waitress, "These
particles in my soup - aren't they foreign objects?"
She is scrutinizing his bowl. "No, sir!" she reassured him. "Those
things live around here."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was going out of town and needed to board his horse for a couple
of
months. He asked a local farmer about it and was told, "Sure, but I
charge
$50 per week, and I keep the manure."

The fellow can't afford that, so the farmer referred him to ol'
Jones, down the road. When approached with the request, Jones said,
"Yup, I
can do it for $40 a week, and I keep the manure."

This is still too much, and Jones suggested that he try Mr. Brown.
When our desperate friend asked Mr. Brown, he is surprised to hear,
"Sure,
Sonny. I'll be glad to for $5 a month."

With delight, the young man exclaimed, "WOW! I suppose for that
price
you'll want to keep the manure."

The old man looked at him with kind of a squint, and replied,
"Feller, for $5 a month, there ain't gonna be none!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Disney World is such a friendly place. A little boy I had never met before came up to me and wrapped his arms around me, and gave me a great big hug as his mother took our picture. It was thrilling, that is, until his mother smiled and said, "Thanks, Goofy!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from

San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose

truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car

and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "Do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My
problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken
to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed, already; so, I don't want
to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the
zoo for me? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So, the two

chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the

blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts and off they
went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San
Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down
the street and holding hands with the two chimps, ... much to

the amusement of a big crowd!

With a screech of brakes, he pulled off the road and ran over to the
blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded. "I gave you
$100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "But we had money left over; so,
now, we're going to Sea World.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"How annoying is this? Senator Hillary Clinton calling for a return of the 55 mile an hour speed limit. When people in L.A. heard about this, they said, 'What? Cars can go that fast?'" --Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One weekend my friend Sally, a nurse, was looking after her six-year-old
nephew when he fell off a playground slide and hit his head.
Worried that he might have a concussion, she checked him all
night.
Every hour, she'd gently shake him and ask, "What's your name?" Soon, he
began moaning in protest each time she entered the room.
When Sally went in at 5:00 A.M., she found something white on his
forehead. Leaning close, she saw a crayon-scrawled message taped to his
forehead.
It read: "My name is Daniel."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"President Bush has proposed sweeping immigration changes, which is pretty amazing when you consider before he became president, Bush thought immigration was the sincerest form of flattery." --Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My sister-in-law Bonnie was very busy one day working in her
house. She had just gotten to the basement after quite a few trips up
and
down when she heard the telephone ring upstairs. Tiredly, she ran back
up
the stairs only to hear a solicitor on the other end.
"Hello, is this Bonnie D?"
"Yes."
"We are calling people in your area and would like to know if you
would help us by participating in a brief survey."
Without missing a beat, she told them... "I'm very busy right
now. You will have to survey your own briefs."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Some excitement at the White House yesterday. The Secret Service caught a man trying to climb over the White House fence. When they caught the man, the Secret Service said, 'Not so fast. You have three more years, Mr. President.'" --Conan O'Brien
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walked into a grocery store and announced: "I want all the rotten eggs you have."

"What do you want with rotten eggs?" asked the shop assistant.

"Unless you're going to see that terrible new comedian who's on at the theatre this week?"

The man replied icily: "I am the new comedian."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Unfortunately, we humans do not come equipped with delete buttons for our mouths. My friend and his rock band were playing a concert at the local psychiatric hospital where he worked as a musical therapist.

The audience was a little too quiet for his taste, so the guitarist decided to do something about it. He grabbed the microphone, pointed to the group and yelled, "Are you ready to get a little crazy?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian. "What is it made of?" she asked.

"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.

"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."

"Yes, brave Oyster Slayer, they sure do." he replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was brought before the court on the charge of refusing to obey a police officer.

"Why did you refuse to move on when asked to do so by the officer?" the judge inquired, obviously wondering what unexplained force could have given such a man strength to buck a strong minion of the law.

"It's like this, your honor," he explained. "My wife said I was to meet her at exactly twelve noon at that spot - and I was forced to choose between man's law and wife's law."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Signs and Notices

A billboard seen next to the highway, travelling from Johannesburg International Airport into town. An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the roof and all the windows down. The caption reads:' Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!!!'

Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago: Restrooms to the left. Please wait for the hostess to seat you.

Seen in a health food store. "Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot"

"Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense."

I went to a little hole in the wall restaurant: the sign read: Women are not served here. You have to bring your own.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Someone emailed me from a personals Web site, "I like hiking, biking, camping and skiing." I wrote back, "While you're hiking, biking, camping and skiing, I'll be eating, drinking, sleeping and smoking. We're soul mates!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I told my doctor, "I want a second opinion."

He said, "Sure, as soon as you pay for the first one."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A democratic government is one that will let you make all the money that you want. They just won't let you keep it.

“The four most important words in any marriage – I’ll do the dishes.”