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June14, 2006 - The Daily Funnies >> |
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From Carlisle
,Indiana
U.S.A. Welcome to The Funnies "Friends
are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG Welcome New
Subscribers TUESDAY JUNE 13,2006 "How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun
Way"
Instructions on how to clean your toilet 1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards
the
bathroom. 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close
both
lids. You may need to stand on the lid. 4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a
"power-wash"
and rinse". 6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that
there
are no people between the bathroom and the front door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift
both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the
bathroom,
and run outside where he will dry himself off. 9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling
clean.
Sincerely,
The
Dog
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high
school diploma to
fix one: a reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a
"gripe sheet",
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics fix the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are
some of the actual complaints submitted by Qantas pilots (marked P) and the solutions recorded (marked S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never
had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per
minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on the ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for. P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed. P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. sounds like a
midget pounding on something with hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Al Gore's movie about global warming broke into the top 10 this past week. President Bush has said he probably will not see the film. Though he says he did go see 'Ice Age 2: The Meltdown'. So he feels he has most of his facts down." --Jay Leno ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "You hate Canada? That's like saying I hate toast. It's not the kind of thing that inspires passion in either direction. If anything, you should love Canada. Who else could cripple America with their cheap prescription drugs and talented comedians? --Jon Stewart ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Al Gore has a hit movie called 'An Inconvenient Truth.' I have an inconvenient truth for him: you're still not the president. This past weekend, Al Gore's movie earned more per screen than any film in the country. ... I dare say Gore's movie is the highest grossing PowerPoint presentation in history." --Stephen Colbert ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I feel it is my duty to warn everyone of a major problem, one that endangers lives, damages property and causes untold misery, a growing menace that can be summed up in three words: men doing laundry. At first glance, MDL may not seem like a big problem, especially to members of the female species, who generally prefer MDL to WDL. But the evidence is overwhelming. MDL has resulted in millions of discolored clothes, billions of missing socks, and countless broken relationships. Wife: "Did you remember to separate the clothes before washing them?" Husband: "Yes, of course I did. I put the whites at the bottom and the colors on top." Wife: "You idiot, you were supposed to wash them separately. You obviously don't know what separation means, but trust me, you're about to find out!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Did you realize we are in the middle of a drought here in New York City? I came into work today and everyone was gathered around a moist towelette talking about their weekend." --Dave Letterman ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: "Broken." A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a nearby building. "What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance at the meter. "There's plenty of time left!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The state trooper pulled Mr. Schwarz over and, after in- specting his license and registration, informed the motorist that he was going to have to spend the night in jail. "What's the charge? Mr. Schwarz demanded. "None," replied the officer. "It's all part of the service." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ABBOTT AND COSTELLO DO WINDOWS You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello and too old to REALLY understand computers in order to fully appreciate the following.
COSTELLO CALLS ABBOTT TO BUY A COMPUTER ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software for Windows? COSTELLO: No On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals track expenses and run my business. What do you have? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOTT: Recommend something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT: Word. COSTE LLO: What word? ABBOTT: Word in Office COSTELLO: The only word in office is office ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W". COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer? ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? ABBOTT: One copy. COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money. COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money? ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT! A FEW DAYS LATER: ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help
you? COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off? ABBOTT: Click on "START." .
. and says, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible." The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A missionary suddenly came face to face with a lion. Thinking that his situation was hopeless, he sank to his knees in prayer, but then became greatly relieved when the lion got down on his knees beside him. "Dear brother lion," said the missionary, "how heartening it is to find you joining me in Christian prayer when a few moments ago I feared for my life!" "Don't interrupt," growled the lion, "I'm saying grace!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My niece bought her five-year-old daughter Kayleigh a hamster. One day he escaped from his cage. The family turned the house upside-down and finally found him. Several weeks later, while Kayleigh was at school, he disappeared again. My niece searched frantically but never found the critter. Hoping to make the loss less painful for Kayleigh, my niece took the cage out of her room. When Kayleigh came home from school that afternoon, she climbed into her mother's lap. "We have a serious problem," she announced. "Not only is my hamster gone again, but this time he took his cage." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Our armored car arrived earlier than usual, so my deposit wasn't quite ready. As the young man waited patiently for me to secure the bag, I said, "Sorry to hold you up." "Delay, delay," he corrected me. "We don't use that other phrase." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ **** Quickies **** I enjoy great
fiction. So, on many evenings I curl up with a good travel brochure. Those
brochures are filled with so many promises that they must be written by
politicians. &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Shirley's ressypees e-zine We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular recipe, send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca SUBSCRIBE RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& **************************************************** "YOU'RE FIRED! Coz you're too tall to fit your legs under the desk!" Have you ever heard of news as weird as this? Send blank email to 46508-subscribe@zinester.com for free subscription of "Weirdo News" now! **************************************************** &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& You can join The Funnies IT'S FREE To subscribe, Click on link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
"CATCH OF A LIFETIME"
There was once an 11-year-old who went fishing every chance he got from the dock at his family's cabin on an island in the middle of a New Hampshire lake. On the day before bass season opened, he and his father were
fishing early in the evening, catching sunfish and perch with worms. Then he
tied on a small silver lure and practiced casting. The lure struck the water and
caused colored ripples in the sunset, then silver ripples as the moon rose over
the lake.
When his pole doubled over, he knew something huge was on the other
end. His father watched with admiration as the boy skillfully worked the fish
alongside the dock. Finally he very gingerly lifted the exhausted fish from the
water. It was the largest one he had ever seen, but it was a bass.
The boy and his father looked at the handsome fish, gills playing
back and forth in the moonlight. The father lit a match and looked at his watch.
It was 10 p.m. -- two hours before the season opened. He looked at the fish,
then at the boy. "You'll have to put it back, son," he said.
"Dad!" cried the boy. "There will be other fish," said his father.
"Not as big as this one," cried the boy. He looked around the lake. No other
fishermen or boats were anywhere around in the moonlight. He looked again at his
father.
Even though no one had seen them, nor could anyone ever know what
time he caught the fish, the boy could tell by the clarity of his father's voice
that the decision was not negotiable. He slowly worked the hook out of the lip
of the huge bass, and lowered it into the black water.
The creature swished its powerful body and disappeared. The boy
suspected that he would never again see such a great fish.
That was 34 years ago. Today the boy is a successful architect in
New York City. His father's cabin is still there on the lake. He takes his own
son and daughters fishing from the same dock.
And he was right. He has never again caught such a magnificent fish
as the one he landed that night long ago. But he does see that same fish...again
and again...every time he comes up against a question of ethics. For, as his
father taught him, ethics are simple matters of right and wrong. It is only the
practice of ethics that is difficult.
Author Unknown
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "It was an amazing event on many different levels - from the caliber of
the artists and our surprise guests, to our incredibly enthusiastic fans,
who traveled from around the globe to be here, and the growing support
from Nashville and our surrounding communities," said Tammy Genovese, CMA
Chief Operating Officer. "Each year we say it, and it is true again in
2006, this was the best CMA Music Festival ever."
Single concert tickets at the Greased Lightning(r) Daytime Stages at
Riverfront Park and the Nightly Concerts at LP Field were up 8 percent
from 2005. The CMA opened the upper level of LP Field for the second year
and doubled the amount of seating to accommodate the demand for single
night concert tickets. CMA also experienced a six percent increase in the
sale of four-day ticket packages.
"Increased single concert ticket sales are an indication of increased
local support and participation in the festival," Genovese said. "It is a
trend that started last year, and I'm happy to say we saw it continue in
2006. Local companies and individuals are embracing this event as never
before - especially now that it benefits music education."
Attendance has grown from 124,000 in 2003, to 132,000 in 2004, 145,000
in 2005 to more than 161,000 in 2006. The actual number of people
attending was unclear because if someone buys a four-day package, that
would count as four tickets sold.
The concert at LP Field was delayed Sunday night for more than an hour
due to heavy lightning and storms. Sugarland played, but a second weather
system made it impossible for unannounced, surprise guest reigning CMA
Female Vocalist of the Year Gretchen Wilson to perform.
"We were fighting the clock and weather, and we ran out of time with
another storm approaching," Genovese said. "The Office of Emergency
Management was advising against going any later, and we have to put the
safety of the artists, our fans and hundreds of on-site workers and
volunteers first and foremost."
Several surprise appearances occurred during the fest. On Thursday
night, CMA Horizon Award winner Dierks Bentley showed up, while CMA
Entertainer of the Year Keith Urban joined CMA Awards hosts Brooks &
Dunn during their set. On Friday, Kenny Chesney also made a surprise
appearance.
New this year was the "CMA Music Festival Block Party" following "The
Second Annual CMA Music Festival Kick Off Parade," featuring special
guests Big & Rich and a variety of artists, celebrities and athletes
riding in classic Chevy vehicles and the newest model cars.
A free block party at the Chevy "All Access Music Tour" stage on the
plaza at the Gaylord Entertainment Center was held with Big & Rich
showing up. Cowboy acted as host and emcee for the event, which drew an
estimated crowd of 3,000 according to police.
Nightly shows were held at LP field. The lineup Thursday included Gary
Allan, Bentley, Brooks & Dunn with Urban playing guitar on "Believe,"
Sara Evans, Pat Green, Little Big Town, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Blake Shelton, and
Hank Williams Jr.
Fans heard Trace Adkins, Jason Aldean, Chesney, Terri Clark, Billy
Currington, Montgomery Gentry, Wynonna and Trisha Yearwood on Friday.
Saturday's lineup included Billy Ray Cyrus, Miranda Lambert, Martina
McBride, Craig Morgan, Brad Paisley, Josh Turner, and Carrie Underwood,
who made her first Festival appearance in 2005 after being named American
Idol. "It's been a great week," Underwood shouted to the enthusiastic
audience. "It wasn't too long ago, I was sitting out there with y'all."
Sunday performers included Keith Anderson, Clint Black, Los Lonely Boys
with Ronnie Milsap, Joe Nichols, LeAnn Rimes, SHeDAISY and Sugarland.
Tickets for CMA Music Festival 2007, June 7-10, went on sale Saturday.
Gold Circle four-day ticket packages sold out in a record two hours. By
Sunday, advance sales bested sales during the same period in 2005, by 41
percent.
"They are coming back based on the experience they had this year, and
from the initial response and what we are hearing from the box office,
they obviously had a good time and will be back in 2007," Genovese said.
JACK DANIELS BEEF JERKY "Green Tomato Pie" 4 lg Green tomatoes 1 ts Salt 1 c Sugar 2 tb Flour (heaping) 1 ts Cinnamon 1 ts Allspice 1 tb Butter 2 tb Vinegar 1 Double crust 9" pie dough; unbaked Grind or chop tomatoes, add salt and soak 5 minutes, drain. Add dry ingredients and pour into crust. Dot with butter and sprinkle with vinegar. Add top crust, cut vents. Bake in a 375F oven for 45 minutes, or until crust is golden and filling is bubbling. "Cherry Pie Salad" 1 can cherry pie filling
1 small can pineapple -- drained 1 cup marshmallows 1 small cart cool whip 1/2 cup pecans 2 bananas -- sliced Mix cherry pie filling, pineapple and marshmallows.
Chill overnight.
Add pecan and bananas. Chill.
"Buffalo Swiss Steak" 2 Buffalo steak; 1-1/2 to 2 inches thick
2 oz Seasoned flour Oil 1/2 pt Water or tomato juice Salt & pepper; to taste Less tender steaks or chops may need longer, slower cooking and may
be prepared as Swiss Steaks.
Into each side of the steaks pound as much seasoned flour as
possible. Brown on both sides in the hot fat, then add the tomato juice, or
water (enough to cover the meat). Simmer for 1-1/2 to two hours, or until the
steaks are tender.
**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****
Private Tuition Hey, Let's be careful out there *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ PLEASE Don't take anything you see in the Funnies personally. The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing more. Everyone & everything is an equal opportunity target here. EVERYONE IS FAIR GAME The Funnies are strictly an opt-in service. We do not sell, lease, loan, or give our subscribers' addresses to anyone for any reason. Our features are intended to be for entertainment only. Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed
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and from my readers. All are believed to be public domain . If you hold copyright on any of these materials please inform me so I may give the proper credit, or remove it which ever you prefer. ~ GOD BLESS AMERICA ~ To subscribe, Click on a link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com ~ To unsubscribe from this opt-in mailing list click on link at the end of this mailing ~ Regarding any problems In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me with question or comments at: JIM4615@JOINK.COM or Jim Dowers P.O. Box 521 Carlisle, IN 47838-0521 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Miss getting The Funnies,or is your ISP blocking mail again? No problem To Read the Funnies on line. Just click on this link Archives Index: http://archives.zinester.com/25438 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Unsubscribe link is at the END of this list God Bless America , Our Land , Forever May She Stand &&&&&&&&&& THIS DOCUMENT IS VIRUS FREE Scanned by Avast virus protection ~ Unsubscription Email: 25438-unsubscribe@zinester.com Unsubscription URL: http://www.zinester.com/mpb/unsub.cgi?25438 |
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