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Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

WEDNESDAY JUNE 14,2006
TODAY IS FLAG DAY,
PLEASE FLY YOUR FLAG!


THOUGHT FOR TODAY:Upper Crust - A lot of crumbs
held together with dough.

Two guys from Montana were out fishing and drinking beer.

All of a sudden one of the fishermen said, "I think I'm going to 
divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over six months."

His buddy takes another swig of his beer, thinks for a moment and says, 
"You better think it over women like that are hard to find."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the 
boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, 
and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an 
experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table 
three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar and a bottle of whiskey.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, 
"and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which 
object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a 
blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a 
businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the 
bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame 
that would be."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he 
entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

He watched from behind the door as his son tossed his books on the bed, 
put the Bible on his bookshelf, put the silver dollar in his pocket, 
and took a big swig of the whiskey.

“Oh, no,” sighed the preacher. “He’s gonna be a politician.”
 ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
WITH APOLOGIES TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to Himself, "There's something he's needing.'"

After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.

Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.

Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

T‘was made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole damn thing.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
"Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all 
of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, 
but I'm just not happy."

"And why is that Eve?"

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for 
you."

"Man? What is that Lord?"

"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; 
all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and 
will like to hunt and kill things.

I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. 
He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and 
kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he will also need 
your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's 
the catch Lord?"

"Well, you can have him on one condition."

"And what's that Lord? "

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring ... so you'll 
have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be 
our little secret. Woman to woman."

 ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Sarah walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist that she needed 
some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

Sarah then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy. I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the
law!

I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all
kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any 
cyanide!"

Sarah reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked a the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't 
tell me you had a prescription."

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Ally, Betty, and Jo Ann were all getting married. Sally and Betty were 
from the city, Jo Ann from the country.

They met at the marriage counselor‘s office to discuss the options of 
having or not having children right away.

The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or 
were going to wait.

All three said that they had discussed this with their potential 
husbands and all agreed to wait for several years.

The counselor then asked Sally what type of birth control she planned 
to use. Her answer was, "the rhythm method."

"That will work," said the counselor, "if you keep a good record."

He asked the Betty what system she planned on using. "I plan on using 
birth control pills," she said.

Again he said, "Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take 
them."

He then asked the Jo Ann what system she was planning on using.

Her answer was, "The pail and saucer method."

After a short delay, he again told her that should also work.

He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a 
follow up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later and Betty and Sally were pregnant. 
Only Jo Ann was slim and trim yet.

The counselor asked Sally what method she used and what went wrong.

She replied that she used the rhythm method, but somehow got her notes 
mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.

He asked the second Betty what method she used. She replied, “The birth 
control pill, but we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my 
pills with me and as you can see, I too, am going to have a baby.

He turned to Jo Ann and said, "I vaguely remember you were going to use 
the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue 
what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see 
it has worked well for you?

Jo Ann replied, "Well, we make love standing up, and since I am quite a 
bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now 
as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big 
as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him."
 ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
A husband was in BIG trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

"Tomorrow," his wife angrily told him, "there had better be something 
in our driveway that goes from zero to 200 in two seconds flat!"

The next morning, the wife looked outside and saw a small package in 
the driveway. She brought it inside, opened it, and found a brand new 
bathroom scale.

His funeral is on Saturday at 2 p.m.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Marriage means commitment.............Of course, so does insanity.


Bisexuality doubles your chances...............for a date on Saturday 
night.


Some women get excited about nothing,...........and then marry him.


Gorgeous, intelligent, kind, sweet, charming, witty, hilarious, 
friendly............Well enough about ME! How are you?


There are two theories to arguing with women............Neither one 
works.
 ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Fred - The Ole Fritzbear


"President Bush said today that immigrants that come to  
America should learn English. He said, 'Hey, if I was  
moving to Canada, I would learn Canadian.'" --Jay Leno  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Did you barbeque today? Over 100 million Americans barbequed  
today – because the polar ice caps just aren't melting fast  
enough!" --Dave Letterman  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My sister-in-law Bonnie was very busy one day working in  
her house. She had just gotten to the basement after quite  
a few trips up and down when she heard the telephone ring  
upstairs. Tiredly, she ran back up the stairs only to hear  
a solicitor on the other end. "Hello, is this Bonnie D?"  

"Yes."  

"We are calling people in your area and would like to know  
if you would help us by participating in a brief survey."  

Without missing a beat, she told them, "I'm very busy right  
now. You will have to survey your own briefs."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns
gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her
warm
milk to drink, but she refused it. One nun took the glass back to the
kitchen.

Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey the nuns had received as a gift
the
previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the
warm milk.

The nun took the glass back to Mother Superior's bedside, and held the
glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before
they
knew it, she had downed the whole glass, down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "please give us some wisdom before
you die."

Mother Superior slowly raised her head, and with a pious look on her
face
whispered, "Don't sell that cow"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a vicar, a priest, a rabbi, two
giraffes and a duck, a farmer, a lawyer, an accountant, a Mexican, an
Indian, a Chinaman, an Irishman, an Englishman, an American,and a
Scotsman walked into a bar. The barman said, "Hang on a minute, is this
some sort of joke?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical
students. "As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his
left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do
in a case like this?" "Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp
too."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My mother once gave me two sweaters for my birthday. The next time we
visited, I made sure to wear one. As we entered her home, instead of
the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the
other one?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As a realtor, I deal with all types of people. Recently, I showed a home
to a couple who seemed eager to check out the fantastic view from the
living room. But when I dramatically pulled back the drapes, the
disappointed husband asked, "Where is the view? Those mountains must be
blocking it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**** Quickies ****

I started early teaching my kids the value of a dollar. From then on, they demanded their allowances in gold.

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**** HEALTH NEWS ****

Antibiotic in trials said to be toxic  

WASHINGTON, -- An FDA official has called for a Paris-based  
drug company to halt clinical trials of an antibiotic in  
children because it could be lethal, it was reported. Ketek,  
made by Sanofi-Aventis, is being tested in nearly 4,000  
infants and children in more than one dozen countries, in-  
cluding the United States. The drug is being tested as a  
possible treatment for ear infections and tonsillitis, The  
New York Times reported. Ketek -- which is approved for use  
only by adults -- has been reported to cause liver failure,  
blurred vision and loss of consciousness in adults. The  
Times said it had obtained internal memos sent by Dr.  
Rosemary Johann-Liang -- an official in the FDA Office of  
Drug Safety -- to other officials at the agency. "How does  
one justify balancing the risk of fatal liver failure  
against one day less of ear pain?" Johann-Liang asked in  
one of the memos. Sanofi-Aventis said on its Web site it  
is sponsoring four clinical trials involving children ages  
6 months to 13 years, the Times reported. The trials were  
approved by the FDA. However, the newspaper said FDA safety  
officials recently found there is growing evidence that  
Ketek is unusually toxic.   

New predictor for lung cancer found  

CLEVELAND, -- U.S. researchers say they have found a prom-  
ising, novel biomarker that may predict the survival of  
people with advanced lung cancer. The researchers at the  
Ireland Cancer Center, operated by University Hospitals of  
Cleveland, say the biomarker can also predict a patient's  
response to treatment. Dr. Afshin Dowlati, a hematologist-  
oncologist at the Ireland Cancer Center, found patients  
with a low level of the biomarker intercellular adhesion  
molecule-1, or ICAM, had a better chance of survival and  
an increased response to chemotherapy. Dowlati analyzed  
data from a major national study and found the monoclonal  
antibody Bevacizumab (Avastin), in addition to standard  
therapy, was more effective than standard treatment alone  
for patients with advanced, non-squamous, non-small cell  
lung cancer. "We believe this research confirms a signifi-  
cant new prognostic marker in lung cancer," said Dowlati.  
"Previously, it has been a challenge to identify those  
patients that will respond best to treatment and what  
their outcomes will be. This biomarker appears to serve as  
a much better predictor than gender, patients' overall  
health and sites of metastases." The study was presented  
recently in Atlanta during the annual meeting of the  
American Society of Clinical Oncology.   

BP drugs, birth defects link studied  

NASHVILLE, -- A study at Nashville's Vanderbilt Children's  
Hospital suggests a link to birth defects from some blood  
pressure drugs taken by pregnant mothers. The drugs have  
been thought to be safe in the first trimester of pregnancy  
but the study says serious birth defects were reported in  
about 7 percent of babies whose mothers took them, The  
Washington Post reported Thursday. The ACE inhibitor drugs  
carry a warning that pregnant women should not use them in  
the last two trimesters as they could cause kidney damage  
to the fetus. But the study, appearing in Thursday's New  
England Journal of Medicine, says ACE inhibitors early in  
pregnancy nearly tripled the risk of birth defects, The  
Post reported. Dr. William O. Cooper, who led the study,  
said pregnant women and their health-care providers should  
be aware of the findings so alternatives can be used to  
treat hypertension. A Food and Drug Administration official  
said while more data may be needed, the study is important  
enough to inform the public.  


**** Reader's Submissions ****

**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent.  I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!
 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
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It is excellent
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 **** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****

Woman's day at Le Mans?

Halliday aiming to break down gender barrler in 24-hour race.

Story

Owner brakes on Wheldon

IRL driver won't be replacement for Casey Mears.

Story

Foyt Files

Miscommunication in Texas costs team a likely top-10 finish.

Story

Subscribe Today: Home Delivery of USA TODAY - Save 35%

**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****

1960 Loretta Lynn's "Honky Tonk Girl" debuted on the charts  
  
1970 Charley Pride's "Wonder Could I Live There Anymore"  
goes to #1  

1981 Kenny Rogers and Dottie West's "What Are We Doin' in  
Love" goes to #1  

1987 Randy Travis' "Forever and Ever, Amen" began a three-  
week stand at #1 on the country singles chart  
  
1979 Sunshine Sue Workman, age 67, and long-time emcee of  
The Old Dominion Bar Dance, died  
  
1995 Ty Herndon charged with drug possession and indecent  
exposure  
  
1996 John Michael Montgomery's second album, "Kickin' It  
Up," certified quadruple platinum  
  
1931 Jimmie Rodgers recorded "When The Cactus is in Bloom"  
  
1940 Bob Atcher, Randy Atcher and Bonnie Blue Eyes made  
the first recording of "Cool Water"  

1945 Gene Autry recorded the Top 5 single "Don't Hang  
Around Me Anymore"  

1945 Gene Autry recorded the Top 5 single "I Want to Be  
Sure"  

1963 Johnny Cash recorded "I Still Miss Someone"  

1975 Merle Haggard recorded "The Way It Was in '51"   



 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

Big & Rich Donate Guitars to Country Music Hall of Fame  

Big & Rich donated their signature guitars and a copy of  
their new The 8th of November: A True Story of Pain and  
Honor film documentary to the Country Music Hall of Fame  
and Museum during a ceremony Thursday (June 8) in downtown  
Nashville. Niles Harris, the subject of the duo's documen-  
tary and song about a battle during the Vietnam war, and  
John Anderson were among those who attended the event.  
Following a three-song acoustic set by Big & Rich, the  
museum presented a screening of the movie the duo filmed  
last year in Vietnam. The guitars donated were Big Kenny's  
Guild F-50 model and Rich's Epiphone Hummingbird Masterbilt  
instrument.   


Willie Nelson Returns for Second Dukes Movie  

Another Dukes of Hazzard movie is in the works, with Willie  
Nelson reprising his role of Uncle Jesse. "I'm heading to  
California to do The Dukes of Hazzard 2," Nelson said  
Thursday in an interview with CMT Radio. "For the next  
three weeks, I'll be Uncle Jesse, so I'm looking forward  
to that." The movie is a prequel that's expected to go  
directly to DVD. None of the other headlining stars are  
returning from the 2005 film version. The DVD is scheduled  
for release by Warner Bros. by the end of this year or in  
early 2007.   

 



**** Amy's Kitchen ****  

BERRY SALAD WITH YOGURT DRESSING   

Biscuits (makes 12 biscuits)  
4 cups flour  
2 tablespoons baking powder  
1/2 cup sugar  
1 1/2 teaspoons salt  
1 each lemon zest  
1/2 teaspoon nutmeg  
8 tablespoons cold butter cut into chips  
2 cups buttermilk  

Filling for 6 people:  
3 pints strawberries, hulled and sliced  
1/4 cup fine sugar  
1 pint heavy cream, whipped  

DIRECTIONS:  
1 day ahead, mix the berries with the sugar and allow  
to sit overnight to extract fresh strawberry juices.  
The day of serving prepare the biscuits. Combine all  
dry ingredients in the bowl of a food processor. Pulse to  
combine. Add cold butter chips and pulse until the mixture  
resembles corn meal. Remove to a work bowl and add the  
buttermilk while mixing with hands until a sticky but firm  
dough forms. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper and  
spray with a non-stick spray. Make rough shape balls of  
dough , 3-4 inches in diameter. Brush with buttermilk and  
sprinkle with sugar. Bake at 400 for about 20-25 minutes  
or until done. Split the biscuits and fill with strawberries  
and their juices. Top with whipped cream and the top half  
of biscuit. 


STRAWBERRY PICKIN:  

Strawberries are usually in best supply in May and June.  
Here's how you can take advantage of the  

Look for berries with a full red color and a bright luster,  
firm flesh, and the cap stem still attached. The berries  
should be dry and clean, and usually medium to small  
strawberries have better eating quality than large ones.  

Avoid berries with large uncolored areas or with large  
seedy areas (poor in flavor and texture), a full shrunken  
appearance or softness (signs of overripeness or decay),  
or those with mold, which can spread rapidly from one berry  
to another.  

Don't just jump at those discounted case prices!  
In most containers of strawberries you will likely find  
a few that are less desirable than others. Try to look  
at some of berries lower in the container to be sure that  
they are reasonably free from defects or decay.  


**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****