Scratch

    My mother never let me help much in the kitchen. As a result, my 
cooking ability was practically non-existent when I got married. But, 
I did remember mother mentioning to her friends that she did make 
cakes, pies and other things from scratch. So my first priority after 
the honeymoon, was to locate some scratch.

    With mother's delicious cakes in mind, my first trip to the 
supermarket was to buy some scratch. I found the aisle that read -- 
Baking Items. I spent a good 15 minutes looking at everything from 
vegetable oil, sugar, flour and chocolate without seeing a sign of 
scratch. I was sure it wouldn't be with the pickles or the meat. I 
asked the clerk if they carried scratch. He looked at me funny and 
finally said, "You'll have to go to the store on the corner."

    When I got there, it turned out to be a feed store. I thought it 
rather strange, but I decided cakes were food. "Do you have scratch?" 
I asked the clerk.

    He asked me how much I wanted. I suggested a pound or two. His reply

was, "How many chickens do you have? It only comes in 20 pound bags." 
I really didn't understand why he mentioned chickens, but I had heard 
mother say she made chicken casserole from scratch. So, I bought 20 
pounds and hurried home.

    My next problem was to find a recipe calling for scratch. I went 
through every single page of my lovely "Better Homes and Gardens" 
Cookbook -- a wedding gift. I looked and looked for a recipe using 
scratch. There I was with 20 pounds and no recipe.

    When I opened the scratch, I had doubts that a beautiful, fluffy 
cake would ever result from such a hard looking ingredient. I hoped 
with the addition of liquids and heat the result would be successful. 
I had no need to mention my problem to my new husband. He had 
suggested very early in our marriage that he liked to cook and would 
gladly take over anytime.

    One day he made a pie and when I told him how good it was, he said 
that he made it from scratch. That assured me that it could be done.

    Being a new bride is scary and when I found out he made pies, cakes,

and even lemon pudding from scratch . . . . well, if he made all 
those things from scratch, I was sure he had bought a 20 pound bag of 
scratch also. But, I couldn't find where he stored it, and I checked 
my supply. It was still full!

    At this point I was ready to give up because all the people knew 
about scratch except me. I decided to try a different approach. One 
day when my husband was not doing anything, I said, "Honey, I wish 
you'd bake a cake." He got out the flour, sugar, eggs, milk and 
shortening. But, not a sign of scratch. I watched him blend it 
together, pour it into a pan and slide it into the oven to bake.

    An hour later, as we were eating the cake, I looked at him and 
smiled and said, "Honey, why don't we raise a few chickens?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing
farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back
on dry ground he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think
you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day."

"Can't." replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."


"What's your father's occupation?" asked the
teacher on the first day of the new academic
year.

"He's a magician, Ma'am," said the new boy.

"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?"

"He saws people in half."

"Gosh! Now, next question. Any brothers or
sisters?"

"One half brother and two half sisters."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From
morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining
about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out
plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was
out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old
mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.

Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it
just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both
hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on
the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather
odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen
for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner
approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in
disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the
old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked
him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook
his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something
about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod
my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Great-aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews, seems she had relatives all over the country.
Problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying.
No matter how safe people told her it was, she was
always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.
She read the books about how safe it was,
and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features.
But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up.
Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced.
So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.
"Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone
will have a bomb on a plane?"
The actuary looked through his tables and said,
"A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand."
She nodded, then thought for a moment.
"So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?"
Again he went through his tables.
"Extremely remote," he said. "About one in a billion."
Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office.
And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An English teacher often wrote little notes on student essays. She was working late one night, and as the hours passed, her handwriting deteriorated.

The next day a student came to her after class with his essay she had corrected. "I can't make out this comment you wrote on my paper."

The teacher took the paper, and after squinting at it for a minute, sheepishly replied, "It says that you need to write more legibly!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I beg your pardon," said the man returning to his theatre seat at the end of the interval, "but did I step on your foot when I left?"

"Yes you did."

"Oh, good, that means I'm in the right row."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology. It needs no wires, no batteries. It's user-friendly. Even a child can operate it. Just lift the cover. It can be used anywhere, yet it's powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disk. It is called a book.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day, finding a wasp had entered the house, a wife shouted to her husband, "There's a wasp in here. Do we have any spray?" He told her there was a can under the sink. "Honey," she called. "This is ant and roach spray." "Well," her husband replied, "Don't show him the label."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tammy and Doug were playing with their new puppy, and Doug commented that it was strange that an unrelated species would come into their home, love us, play with us, work for us, and we would give them food and love in return.

Without hesitation, Tammy looked at him and said, "I feel the same way about men."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The first proof that man has reached Mars will come when he is notified that his suitcases went to Venus.