A Special Birthday This Week.
Can you believe it?
Monica Lewinsky turned 31 this week.
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the
White House on her hands and knees.

They grow up so fast.........
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ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR DAUGHTER

* Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

* What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out?  You shut
the door.
* If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put
them all up there.

* Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be
out alone.

* Go for younger men. You might as well - they never
mature anyway.
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Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.
"Don't you have at least one other ball?", he asked.
"Nope, I only need one ball."
"Are you sure? What happens if you lose that one?"
"This is a very special golf ball. You can't lose it, so I don't need another one."
"What do you mean you can't lose it! What happens if you slice your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"
"That's okay, this special golf ball senses when it's under water and it puts out a steam of bubbles.
I'll be able to retrieve it. You can't lose this ball"
"Well what happens if you hit it into the long rough?"
"No problem, you see, this ball can detect the long grass and it sends up puffs of fluorescent smoke.
I'll be able to see it easily. You can't lose this ball"
Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you
hit your ball deep into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?. What are you going to do then?"
"That's okay too. You see, this special ball can sense the darkness and it makes a beeping sound. I'll be able to get it back - no problem."
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one amazing golf ball, the friend asks,
"Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"
"I found it."
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A very genteel Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River
Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared
the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixing to
jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said,
"Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."
He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."
She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."
He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."
She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee."
He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?''
She replied, ''Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump,
you dumb ass Yankee."
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"According to the insurance companies, you know what the  
most stolen vehicle is? The Cadillac Escalade. The least  
stolen car. The popemobile." --Jay Leno  
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"It's summer in New York City. You can tell too. Over at  
St. Patrick's Cathedral they put a lime wedge into the  
holy water." --Dave Letterman  
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Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was  
giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate  
the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day.  
She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to  
cook up another batch.  

She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her  
concern. They advised Becky to just boil the sauce again  
and it should be fine.  

That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the  
guests volunteered to answer it. Becky's face dropped as  
the guest called  out, "It's the Poison Control Center.  
They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."  
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When I was a child, I remember my Mom telling me, "Son, when  
you grow up, you can marry any girl you please."  

When I became a young man, I learned the sad fact was that I  
could not please any of them.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old man walks into the University Offices and says "I'd like to enrol for a Latin course."

The Dean looks at him and asks rather coyly, "How old are you, Sir?"

"Ninety-three" is the reply.

"Then why do you want to learn Latin, at your time in life?"

"Well" the man explains "I realize I haven't got long for this world, but if I go to Heaven I'd like to be able to speak to God and the Angels in their own language, and I'd feel more comfortable if I knew some Latin."

The Dean thinks, and then asks "But what if you don't go to Heaven but go to - you know - the other place?"

"That's alright, I can already speak American."
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Two men walk into a bar. One sits at one end of the bar and the other at
the opposite end. The bartender asks the first man what he wants.

I'll have a Frizzle...that's a beer with a splash of tonic, a splash of
orange juice, a squeeze of lemon, no lime."

Then the man at the other end of the bar orders. "Make mine a
Frizzle.It's a beer with just a bit of tonic, a bit of orange juice, a
squeeze of lemon, but no lime."

The astonished bartender makes the drinks. Then he asks the first man
what he does for a living.

"I am a theoretical mathematician at the university."

Then he asks the other man what he does.

"Theoretical mathematician at the college."

"This is remarkable," says the bartender. "You both order a drink that
I've never heard of. You have the identical profession and you both walk
into my bar on the same day at the same time. What are the odds on
something like that happening?"

Both men look up and answer in unison, "Twelve trillion, nine hunderd,
and eighty-seven billion to one."
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Get ready for the adventure of a lifetime, TRY THIS:

Enter Mexico illegally. Never mind immigration quotas, visas, international law, or any of that nonsense.

Once there, demand that the local government provide free medical care for you and your entire family.

Demand bilingual nurses and doctors.

Demand free bilingual local government forms, bulletins, etc. Procreate abundantly.

Deflect any criticism of this allegedly irresponsible reproductive behavior with, "It is a cultural U.S.A.thing. You would not understand, pal."

Keep your American identity strong. Fly Old Glory from your rooftop, or proudly display it in your front window or on your car bumper.

Speak only English at home and in public and insist that your children do likewise.

Demand classes on American culture in the Mexican school system.

Demand a local Mexican driver license. This will afford other legal rights and will go far to legitimize your unauthorized, illegal, presence in Mexico

Drive around with no liability insurance and ignore local traffic laws.

Insist that local Mexican law enforcement teach English to all its officers.

Good luck! You'll be demanding for the rest of time or soon be dead. Because it will never happen. It will not happen in Mexico or any other country in the world except right here in the United States, Land of the naive and stupid, idiotic politically correct politicians.

If you agree, pass it on. If you don't, go ahead and try the above in Mexico or Iraq
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Jean Chretien awoke one morning to a glorious day. The sky was clear,
and the sun was bright and radiant. Jean decided to walk to Parliament
Hill.

As he was walking, he looked up at the sun, and said, "Mister Sun, who
is da greatest Prime Minister dis country has ever had?"

The sun beamed down upon Jean, and in a booming voice responded, "Jean,
there is no doubt that you are the greatest Prime Minister that Canada
has ever had!"

Jean's chest puffed out and he arrived at work feeling wonderful and
important. He had a marvellous day, so marvellous that he decided to
walk home. The evening was as glorious as had been the morning.

As he walked, he looked up at the sun and asked,
"So, Mr. Sun,am I not da greatest Prime Minister Canada
has ever had?

The Sun looked down at him, and in a booming voice, responded, "Jean,
you are an idiot. This country has never seen a worse Prime Minister in
its entire history."

Taken aback, Jean responded,

"But dis morning, you said dat I was de greatest
Prime Minister dis country has ever had. Why
did you change your mind?

Jean, this morning, I was in the East.
Tonight, I'm in the West!
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"Actually, Al Gore's movie, An Inconvenient Truth, made  
about $2 million this past weekend, whereas X-men made  
about $150 million. That just shows we're more interested  
in the fake people saving the fake earth than the real  
people trying to save the real earth." --Jay Leno  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A friend, driving home from a fishing trip in northern
Michigan with his boat in tow, had engine trouble a few miles inland
from Lake Huron. He didn't have a CB radio in his car, so he decided to
use his marine radio to get help. Climbing into his boat, he broadcast
his call letters and asked for assistance.

A Coast Guard officer responded, "Please give your location."

"I'm on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish."

The officer paused, "Could you repeat that?"

"I-75, two miles south of Standish."

A longer pause. Then an incredulous voice asked, "How fast were you
going when you hit shore?"
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"About $1.4 billion of aid money to Hurricane Katrina  
victims has gone to alcohol, vacations and pornography.  
The worst part is that some of that was wasted."  
 --Conan O'Brien  
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An old man and woman were married for years, even though
they hated each other. When they had a confrontation,
screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way
up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for
the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black
magic because of the many strange occurrences that took
place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact
he was feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he
was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After
the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began
to party as if there was
no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked,
"Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able
to dig his way up and out of the grave and come
back and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig.
I had him buried upside down.
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An eminent psychologist was called to testify in court. A severe no-
nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair unaware that
it's rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform.

"Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney.

Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead
catapulted head- over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits
and recording equipment.

Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself,
rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness
stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as
smirk.

"Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing
expression, "we could start with an easier question."
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An older man strode in to his doctors office and said, "Doc,  
my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and  
to check the prescription you've been giving to Mrs. Smith."  

"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when  
does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?"  

The old man says, "Since he found out I've been on birth  
control pills since December."  
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While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group  
of medical students. "As you can see," she says, "the patient  
limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.  

Michael, what would you do in a case like this?" "Well,"  
ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too

Nothing makes people go into debt like trying to keep up with people who already are.