THE TRUTH ABOUT DAD

4 years: "My Daddy can do anything."

  7 years: "My Dad knows a lot, a whole lot."

12 years: "Oh, well - naturally - Father doesn't know that either."

14 years: "Father? Hopelessly old-fashioned."

21 years: "Oh, that man is so out-of-date. What did you expect?"

25 years: "He knows a little bit about it - but not much."

30 years: "Maybe we ought to find out what Dad thinks."

35 years: "Let's ask Dad what he would do before we make a decision."

40 years: "I wonder what Dad would have thought about that? He was pretty smart."

50 years: "My Dad knew absolutely everything."

60 years: "I'd give anything if Dad were here so I could talk this over with him. I really miss that man."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~NORM~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I 
love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. 
"To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner 
in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and 
learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the 
office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck 
behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of 
a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work 
in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."
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Tommy Shaughnessy enters the confessional box and says, "Bless me, 
Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her 
reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well 
tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration.

"You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But 
you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew.

His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Five good leads," says Tommy.
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A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he 
has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute. So he pulls 
on the rip cord, but nothing happens.

"No problem," he says to himself, "I still have my emergency chute." So 
he pulls the rip cord on his emergency parachute, and once again, 
nothing happens.

Now the man begins to panic. "What am I going to do?" he thinks, "I'm a 
goner!"

Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can't 
figure out where this man is coming from, or what he's doing, but he 
thinks to himself, "Maybe he can help me. If he can't, then I'm done 
for."

When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and 
shouts down, "Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?"

The other man replies, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"
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Statistician's Answering Machine
Hello, this is probably 438-9012, yes, the house of the famous 
statistician. I'm probably not at home, or not wanting to answer the 
phone, most probably the latter, according to my latest calculations. 
Supposing that the universe doesn't end in the next 30 seconds, the 
odds of which I'm still trying to calculate, you can leave your name, 
phone number, and message, and I'll probably phone you back. So far the 
probability of that is about 0.645. Have a nice day.
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The divorce proceedings had been long, contentious and extremely 
heated. Finally, the husband's attorney rose for one last try at a 
no-alimony divorce.

"Your Honor," he said, "my client sincerely believes his wife is just 
being ridiculous. Why, most women would love to have a husband who 
still believes in chivalry, and on the day in question, he was only 
opening the door for her out of chivalry."

"Counselor," replied the judge, "I am granting the divorce and the 
settlement Mrs. Smith is asking in its entirely. I simply cannot 
believe chivalry was the motivation for your client opening that car 
door - while he was driving down the freeway at 65 mph."
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So there's this Pirate with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a 
sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight 
without repeating himself.

Trouble is, the pirate who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and 
this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too 
much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, 
and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears 
more than ever.

Then he gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a 
cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, 
and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a 
stream of invective that would make a veteran pirate blush.

At that point, he is so mad that he throws the it into the freezer. For 
the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws 
and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very, very quiet. At first the guy 
just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt.

After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up 
the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched 
arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my 
best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

"By the way, what did the chicken do?"
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Answering machine message 214
I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name 
and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.
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Answering Machine Message 203
Despite the best efforts of the telephone company, you really DID reach 
555-1234. But that didn't help much, did it? You still have to talk to 
a machine.
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Anagrams
An anagram, as we all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or 
rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following 
examples are quite astounding!

Dormitory - Dirty Room
Desperation - A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code - Here Come Dots
Slot Machines - Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity - Is No Amity
Mother-in-law - Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms - Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness - Genuine Class
Semolina - Is No Meal
A Decimal Point - I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes - That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two - Twelve plus one
Contradiction - Accord not in it
The Public Art Galleries - Large Picture Halls, I Bet
Astronomer - Moon Starer

This one's amazing: [From Hamlet by Shakespeare]

To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the 
mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.

Becomes:

In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, 
Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.

And the grand finale:

"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." -- Neil 
A. Armstrong

becomes:

A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! 
On to Mars!
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A beautiful young New York woman
was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself 
into the ocean.
  But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome 
young sailor stopped her.

              "You have so much to live for," said the sailor.
    "Look, I'm off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship.
    I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted 
to
                      go to Europe, the woman accepted.
     That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
 From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make 
love to her until dawn.

    Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine
                                 inspection.

                "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

        "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied.
             "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe.
                           Plus he's screwing me."

                   "He certainly is," replied the captain.
                     "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
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  FOR THE WIVES
---------------------------------
He didn't like my pudding
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard.
Not like his mother use to bake.

I didn't perk the coffee
And I didn't make the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
Like his mother use to do.

As I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue. So,
I turned around and boxed his ears,
Like his Mother used to do!
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I called my son, a sophomore at Mars Hill College in North
Carolina, one day and heard this message on his answering machine:

A is for academics; B is for beer;

It's one of those reasons we are not here.

Startled by his poem, I left him my own in response:

M is for mom; G is for groan;

If you don't change your message, you're soon coming home.
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Bonus Joke:
"No, I didn't actually build it," said the beaver to the
rabbit as they stared up at the immense bulk of Hoover
Dam, "but it's based on an idea of mine."
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Kids are cute, babies are cute, puppies are cute. The little things are 
cute. See, nature did this on purpose so that we would want to take 
care of our young. Tricked us. Then gradually they get older and older, 
until one day your mother sits you down and says. "You know, I think 
you're ugly enough to get your own apartment."
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I tried exercise as a means of burning fat, but it didn't work for me. 
When the fat started burning, it smelled like bacon and made me hungry. 
---Planojo
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I don't see the purpose of cats. Dogs can protect you, can sniff out 
things, and can be your eyes if you're blind. Could you imagine a 
seeing-eye cat? The first person who walks by with an untied shoelace, 
and you're history.
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When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently I was rereading it. It 
said: "Day one: Still tired from the move. Day Two: Everybody talks to 
me like I'm an idiot."
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A sign posted on the wall of an Army mess read, "Don't Waste Food - 
Food will win the war."

Beneath someone had written, That's fine, but how do we get the enemy 
to eat it?
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I put some turnip, his least-favorite vegetable, on my eleven-year- old 
son's dinner plate and instructed him to eat everything. He cleaned his 
plate, except for the turnip. I pointed out to him that if he'd eaten 
it earlier, he wouldn't have been left with its taste in his mouth at 
the end of the meal. Thoughtfully, he replied, "I guess I was just 
trying to delay the inedible."
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A young minister and Mr. Sims, an elderly parishioner, were playing 
golf. The minister's game was off and the old man was beating him quite 
badly.

At the end of the game, the Mr. Sims tried to console his minister by 
saying, "don't worry, Reverend. One of these days you'll be burying 
me."

"Yes," sighed the minister, "but even then, it will be your hole.
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Fred - The Ole Fritzbear

The search engine Google has agreed to bar Internet users in China from searching for the truth about certain phrases and terms so it can do business in that country. The most commonly blocked terms will be "freedom," "democracy," and "MSG."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Daddy's not home," the baby sitter replied.
"Since I'm responsible for you while he's gone, I
can sit here.  Today I'm the boss."
Justin, the 4 year old, quickly piped up, "If
you're the boss, you sit over there in Mommy's
chair!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The father of a teenage daughter was concerned with the amount of time
she spent on the telephone; not so much for the time she wasted (he had
given up on that long ago), but because nobody else could use the phone.

So, as a happy solution, he had a telephone installed for her with her
own private number and directory listing.

Two or three days after her telephone had been installed, he came home
to find her stretched out on the floor with her feet on the living room
couch and chatting away on the family telephone. Her own telephone was
resting silently on her dresser. "Why are you using our telephone," he
yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your own telephone?"

"I can't," she said, "because I'm expecting an important incoming call
on my phone."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maxine took her car to her mechanic. She told him
Every time I take any of my friends out in my
car,? after a while there is this terrible smell
!!  It never happens when I am on my own"
This quite intrigued the mechanic so he said,
"OK, lets go for a spin and see what the problem is".
Off they went. She drove down a one-way street in
the wrong direction at 70 MPH, swerving, hitting
the curb on both sides of the street, narrowly missed three
pedestrians in pedestrian crossings, ran several
red lights, and just missed a policeman on street traffic duty.
They returned to the shop and she said, "There it
is now, there's that terrible smell.? Can you smell it?"
"Smell it? Lady, I'm sittin' in it !!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours out in the
boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He
asked his father, "How does this boat float?"

The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know,
son."

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father,
"How do fish breath underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my
asking you all of these questions?"

"Of course not son. If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn
anything!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two blondes are racing down a bumpy back road in
a pretty beat up car down to a bank they're going to rob.
"Drive slower" pleads the one in the passenger
seat, "I don't want all the nitro in the trunk to explode."
"Relax," the driver replies, "even if it did,
I've got a spare box under the seat . . . "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a story about four people: Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and
Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to
do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done
it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that because it was
Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody
realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody
blamed Somebody when actually Nobody asked Anybody.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Do you love me with all your heart and soul?" she asked.
"Mmm hmm." he replied.
"Do you think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world?"
"Mmm hmm."
"Do you think my lips are like rose petals?"
"Mmm hmm."
"Oh honey," she gushed, "you say the most beautiful things!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was little Michael's first visit to the country, and feeding the
chickens fascinated him. Early one morning he caught his first glimpse
of peacock strutting in the yard. Rushing indoors excitedly, Michael
sought his grandmother.

"Oh, Granny," he exclaimed, "one of the chickens is in bloom!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our local newspaper ran several stories about a study that tied male
obesity to a virus. One evening my overweight brother came home
exhausted from a long day at work. "Did you read the paper?" he asked.

"Yes," I answered.

"Well, I'm not going in to work tomorrow," stated my brother. "I'm
calling in fat."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The spaceship crashed in the country, not too far from a major
junction, but the two glowing Martians survived and set out to find a
way home. They walked through the forests, through the fields, and
finally came
into the city. They stopped at an intersection and began to shake
and
moan at the mere sight of a green light. Suddenly, the light turned from
green to yellow, and then to red. Turning to his traveling
companion,
one Martian said disgustedly, "Let's get out of here. If there's one
thing I hate, it's a woman who's a tease."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nancy Reagan tells the story of how President Ronald Reagan was once
challenged by a college student who said it was impossible for Reagan's
generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world,"
the
student said. Today we have television, jet planes, space travel,
nuclear energy, computers..."

Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, Reagan said,
"You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young. We
invented them."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My first grade daughter and her friend both needed new boots as winter
approached. The friend got in the car one morning and finally had gotten
her
boots. "Tina," I commented, "I see you got new boots! Where did you get
them?" "At the store," she answered. "Which one?" I asked. She began
looking
at her new boots and after a pause said, "Both of them!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 A little old man was escorted into the witness box.
After being sworn in the lawyer asked him to explain
what happened.
After a lengthy discussion of the events leading up to
the incident he finally got around to the meat of the case, "...and then
she
hit me with a maple leaf." "Surely that couldn't have caused you any
serious
injury?" said the lawyer. "Are you kidding?" exclaimed the old man. "It
was
the leaf from the center of our dining room table."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After taking a tour of a winery in New Jersey, our group
waited patiently to get to the wine-tasting counter. That
was not easy, since a man ahead of us was hogging all the samples as
well as
the attention of the salesperson. Finally it seemed that he was winding
down, as he asked the salesperson, "What should I take back to my snobby
friends in California?" That's when my wife said, "How about the bus?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During an army basic training, the lieutenant took the batch on a match
and
asked each of them where home was.
After everyone had answered, he sneered and said, "You are all wrong,
the
army is now your home!"
Back at the barracks, he read the evening duties, then asked the first
sergeant if he had anything to say. "You bet I do," the sergeant
replied,
"Men, while you were gone today, I found beds improperly made, clothes
not
hanging correctly, shoes not shined, and footlockers a mess. Where do
you
think you are? Home?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My husband was a Navy chaplain deployed to the Persian Gulf
at the end of Desert Storm. I did everything possible to ensure our
three
young children wouldn't be worried about their father's being in danger.
It
wasn't always easy, but I knew I'd succeeded when someone at church
asked
our three-year-old where his dad was.
He replied, "He's in Persia, golfing."

**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

Why haven't flying cars been invented yet?

Flying cars have been invented and built. Several working prototypes of various configurations have been built and flown - at least one first flew several decades ago (with removable, storable wings), so it is not even a new thing.

They are not mass-marketed for a variety of reasons including safety, cost, regulation and infrastructure. Too many drivers cannot safely navigate in two dimensions; three would make for a disaster.



****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.

TOON TIME

HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
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Hey, Let's be careful out there
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