DOUGHBOY
Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?
A: Doughnuts.
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SYMPTOMS OF AVIAN INFLUENZA
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of
avian influenza ("bird flu"). If you experience any of the following,
please seek medical treatment immediately. 1. High fever. 2.
Congestion. 3. Nausea. 4. Fatigue. 5. Aching joints. 6. An
irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield.
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MEDICAL ADVICE
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a
carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "Doctor, what's
the matter with me?" "You're not eating properly."
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SIX INCHES
Q: What's six inches long, has a bald head and drives blondes crazy?
A: A hundred-dollar bill.
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MEMORIAL STONE
A woman's husband dies. He had $30,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is none of the $30,000 left. The friend says, "How can that be?" The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And, of course, I made a donation to the church. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone." The friend says, "It was $22,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?" The widow says, "Three carats."
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PULLED OVER
A cop pulls over a woman for speeding and notices her eyes are red. He
says, "Ma'am, your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?" The driver
replies, "No officer, but your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating
doughnuts
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GOOD AND GREAT
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
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TOO HOT
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," said Jack as he stepped out
of the shower. "Honey," he continued, "what would then neighbors think
if I mowed the lawn like this?" His wife thought for a moment, then
replied, "That I married you for your money."
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SECRET ATTRACTION
A short and exceptionally homely man had just started putting on his underwear when his daughter opened the door and entered the room. "Mommy!" she cried, pointing to her father's extremely ample endowment. "What's that?" "Well, sweetheart," said the woman, "that's your daddy's secret attraction. If it weren't for that, you wouldn't be here." She sighs, then adds, "Come to think of it, neither would I."
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CHAPPED LIPS
An old Texas cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff. "Howdy, stranger," said the sheriff. "Howdy, Sheriff," said the cowboy. The cowboy moved slowly to the back of the horse, lifted its tail and placed a big kiss where the sun doesn't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swing doors of the saloon. "Hold on there, mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?" "I reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips." "And does that cure them?" the sheriff asked. "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."
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BIG PEOPLE WORDS
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on "no baby talk." "You need to use 'big people' words," she was always reminding them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your grandmother. Use 'big people' words. She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a train. You must remember to use 'big people' words." She then asked little Alec what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's wonderful!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Alec thought real hard about it, puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Crap."
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MEN AND BULBS
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve
around him. Or three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him
brag about the screwing part.
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VERSES
A young minister was visiting the homes of his church community. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. So, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was collected the next Sunday, he found his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke out in laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins, "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."
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A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant,
and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin
as she sits alone at a nearby table, when the wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right
after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?"
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What does the pig say, Michael?" his mother asked.

"Oink, oink," replied Michael.

"What does the cow say?"

"Moooo."

"What does the chicken say?" his mother continued.

"Cluck, cluck."

"And what does the duck say?"

Without a moment's hesitation, Michael replied, "AFLAC!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor of the heavily bandaged man
sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to the amusement park over the weekend and decided to
take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the very
highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried
to
read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so
curious
that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I
couldn't
see what the sign said.

By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time.
As
we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the
visitor.

"Yes."

"What did it say?"

"Don't stand up in the car!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Founding Fathers were sitting around a table sometime in
1776, working on the constitution. It had been a long day.

Father1: Whew! It's getting rather warm in here, isn't it?

Father2: Shall I open the window?

Father1: No, that's alright. I'll just take off my jacket, and roll up
my sleeves.

Father2: Hey, that's a good idea. Why don't we include that in
the constitution?

Father1: What? That we're allowed to take our jackets off and roll
up our sleeves while at work?

Father2: Yeah, but that doesn't sound very smooth. How about
"Everyone shall have the right to bare arms?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"There has been a change at the White House. President Bush's  
speech writer is leaving the administration. His last words  
were, 'Me go now.'" --Conan O'Brien  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A first-grade teacher was overseeing her students as they
experimented with their desk computers. One boy sat staring at the
screen,
unsure how to get the computer going.
The teacher walked over and read what was on his screen. In her
most
reassuring voice, she said, "The computer wants to know what your name
is,"
then she walked over to the next child.
The boy leaned toward the screen and whispered, "My name is
David."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Here's something fascinating. Honda has announced it's  
developed technology that links a person's thoughts to  
a machine. It uses brain signals to control a robot's  
movements, to which Al Gore said, 'Been there, done that.'"  
 --Jay Leno  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jasper was driving down a country road; late one night when he
felt
a big thud. He got out of the car and looked around, but the road was
empty. Since there was apparently nothing to do, Jasper drove on home.
In the morning the sheriff was at his door. "You're under arrest
for
hitting a pig and leaving the scene of the crime," the sheriff informed
him
with a frown. "Please come with me."
Old jasper couldn't believe his ears. "But how could you possibly
know that's what happened?"
"Twern't hard," the sheriff replied. "The pig squealed."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"It's hot out! It's so hot out that I stopped at Ben and  
Jerry's for a scoop of ice cream and the guy at the counter  
asked if I wanted that in a cup, cone, or in my pants."  
 --Dave Letterman  
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It was a difficult subject to bring before his aged mother, but Morris
felt
that he must. "Mom, you are no longer a spring chicken and you do need
to
think ahead of what will happen in the future. Why don't we make
arrangements about when..... you know... when.... God Forbid ... you
pass
on?"
The mother didn't say anything, just sat there staring ahead.
"I mean, Momma, like.... how do you want to finally go? To be
buried? Cremated?"
There was yet another long pause. Then the mother looked up and
said, "Son, why don' t you simply surprise me?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Helpful Tips to Make Life Simple  

* Old telephone books make ideal personal address books.  
Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't  
know.  

* Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car  
phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to  
your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and  
mounting the curb.  

* Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers  
turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked  
illegally.  

* No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and  
remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.  

* Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them.  
The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom  
carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a  
contrasting polish should be selected).  

* If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply  
pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The  
blockage is almost instantly removed.  

* Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The  
following morning you can create the effects of hangover by  
drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging  
your head repeatedly on the wall.  
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When my daughter was 5,and in Kindergarten, she and I were riding my
horse
together across the field when all of a sudden a jackrabbit popped up
and
took off running, and I said "Oh look! There goes a jackrabbit!"
My daughter says to me, "No mama! That's a brown rabbit."
And I said, "No, that's a jackrabbit,
She said to me "Mama, I know! 'Cause I'm in school and you're
not!"
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One day my young daughter and I were listening to an old tune  
by Simon and Garfunkel. When the song finished, she asked me,  
"Well, did he?"  

"Did he what?"  

"Did Parsley save Rosemary in time?" she asked.  
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My co-worker and I were making a sales call to a rural Baptist
church. We gave our presentation to the church committee, and then the
group's chairman walked down to the altar and knelt down. After a minute
of
silent prayer, he returned and announced in a solemn tone, "The Lord
tells
me we should wait."
My colleague responded by walking to the altar and kneeling down
himself. Then he returned to the group, looked at the chairman, and
declared, "He wants to talk with you again."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late  
for supper and she's already left a note that it's in the  
refrigerator." --Bill Lawrence  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While I was working in the men's section of a department store, a
woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband.
When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first,
then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with
her forefingers and thumbs.
"I don't know his size" she said, but my hands fit perfectly
around his neck."
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"It's good to be back in New York but the crime situation  
has gotten bad. When I was getting off the plane I saw the  
pilot putting the 'club' on the steering wheel."  
 --John Mendoza  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman goes to her lawyer to ask about getting a divorce. The
lawyer asks, "Does he beat you?"
"No, he does not."
"Does he keep you short of money?"
"No, he does not."
"Is he a perpetual drunkard?"
"No, he is not."
"Is he unfaithful to you?"
"Ahhh, we've got him there. He was not the father of my last
child."
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Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had  
to dismantle the entire fixture, no small feat for a non-  
plumber.  

Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur, which  
belonged to my five-year-old son.  

I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again,  
the tank filled, and I flushed it. However, it didn't work  
much better than before!  As I pondered what to do next, my  
son walked into the bathroom.  

I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just dislodged and  
told him that the toilet still wasn't working.  

"Did you get the green one, too?" he asked.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I asked my wife if she had seen this morning's paper. She  
said, "Yes, I wrapped the garbage in it--just the classified  
section, though."  

I said, "But...but...I haven't seen it yet!"  

She replies, "Oh, you didn't miss much. Just some egg shells,  
coffee grounds and a few orange peels." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman asked her husband for a pearl necklace for her birthday. He was a bit surprised, since he had just finished telling her the state (not so good) of their finances.

However, he found a way around the dilemma she had presented him with. He gave her a bushel of oysters, a piece of strong string, and a needle, then wished her the best of luck.

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three
kids.  He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an
aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour.  Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop.  Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and
advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."

Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a Computer nor
an e-mail address.  To this the manager replies, "You must understand that
to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without
an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech
firm..  Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves.  Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his
wallet, he walks past a farmer's market and sees a stand selling 25 lb.
crates of beautiful red tomatoes.  He buys a crate, carries it to a busy
corner and displays the tomatoes.  In less than 2 hours he sells all the
tomatoes and makes 100% profit.

Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost
$100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his
family.  During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next
day.

By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into
the night.  He multiplies his profits quickly.

Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of
tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a
broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks.  His two sons have left
their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is
buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the
community college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and
employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.  He
continues to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks
and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the
boys manage.

The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless
people to work.  His daughter reports that the business grossed a million
dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting
with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new
circumstances.  Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order
to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and
has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have
e-mail?  No computer!  No Internet!  Just think where you would be today if
you'd had all of that five years ago!"

" Ha!" snorts the man.  "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be
sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.15 an hour."

Which brings us to the moral of the story:

Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a
janitor than a millionaire.

Sadly, I received it also.

JOE / NY

A woman doesn't know what kind of man she doesn't want until she marries him.