BLONDE LOGIC

      Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........
and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther
away.......... Florida or the moon?"

      The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see
Florida...?????"

      CAR TROUBLE

      A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it
died.  After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She
says, "What's the story?"

      He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

      She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

      SPEEDING TICKET

      A police officer s tops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely
if he could see her license.

      She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show
it to you!"

      RIVER WALK

      There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get
to the other side?"

      The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts
back, "You ARE on the other side."

      KNITTING

      A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.

      Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind
the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing
lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his
bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

      "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!! "

      BLONDE ON THE SUN

      A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian
said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on
the moon!"

      The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

      The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the
Russian.

      To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going
at night!"

      IN A VACUUM

      A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If
you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

      She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?

      FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

      A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one
was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

      Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

      "HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two cars were waiting at a stoplight.. The light turned green, but the
man didn't notice it. A woman in the car behind him is watching traffic
pass around them. The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and
yelling at the man to move. The man doesn't move.

The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the
man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash and the light turns yellow.

The woman begins to blow the car horn, flips him off, and scream curses
at the man. The man, hearing the commotion, looks up, sees the yellow
light and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns
red.

The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her
chance to get through the intersection. As she is still in mid-rant she
hears a tap on her window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by
a very serious looking policeman.

The police officer tells her to shut off her car while keeping both
hands in sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening. After she
shuts off the engine, the police officer orders her to exit her car with
her hands up. She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and
place her hands on her car. She turns, places her hands on the car roof
and quickly is cuffed and hustled into the patrol car. She is too
bewildered by the chain of events to ask any questions and is driven to
the police station where she is fingerprinted, photographed, searched,
booked and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a police officer approaches the cell and opens
the door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the
original officer is waiting with her personal effects.

He hands her the bag containing her things, and says, "I'm really sorry
for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you
were blowing your horn, flipping that guy off, and cussing a blue streak
at the car in front of you, and then I noticed the "Choose Life" license
plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" and "Follow Me to Sunday School"
bumper stickers, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the
trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I consider Wal-Mart to be God's gift to shoppers. Literally, here are
the similitudes I have noticed between the kingdom of Heaven and
the
Kingdom of Everyday Low Prices.

Heaven: St. Peter greets you at the gates
Wal-Mart: Some old geezer named Peter greets you at the automatic
doors

Heaven: Eternal
Wal-Mart: Open 24 hours

Heaven: Where old people go when they expire
Wal-Mart: Where old people go when they retire

Heaven: Plenty of Room for everyone who loves God
Wal-Mart: Plenty of Parking for Everyone

Heaven: Golden-haired angels shouting the glory of God
Wal Mart: Purple-haired obese women shouting for a price check on
diapers

Heaven: Salvation and redemption no matter what your sin
Wal-Mart: Full money refund on no matter what your complaint

Heaven: EDLP = Every Do-gooder lives peacefully
Wal-Mart: EDLP = Every day low prices

Heaven: Sam Walton -- now a resident!
Wal-Mart: Sam's choice cola -- now on sale!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the
den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag
him?"

The host said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting
with my ex-wife."

"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.

"My ex-wife" replied the hunter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple's happy married life almost went on the rocks because of
the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma. For seven long years she
lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding. Finally the old
lady died.

On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his
wife, "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have
put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years."

His wife looked at him aghast. "MY Aunt Emma!" she cried. "I
thought she was YOUR Aunt Emma!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There is this couple celebrating their 20th anniversary. The husband
decides to do something special for his wife. So he gets up early to
make her breakfast in bed.

When the wife wakes up, she is totally amazed. "Oh John, thank you so
much. I didn't expect this!" The husband than tells her that he has
another surprise, but for that she must wear a blindfold. So the woman
is blindfolded and the man leads her the way.

Twelve hours later John tells his wife to take off the blindfold. She
takes it off and is totally stunned and very excited she shouts: "Oh
John!!!! We are in Paris, aren't we ??!! This is the best gift you could
ever give me! What can I expect when we have our 40th anniversary?!!"

"Well that's quite simple," John answers. "That's when I come to pick
you up again!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the difference between a lawyer and God? God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
~

Please Do Not Smoke Near The Gas Pumps. Your Life May
Not Be Worth Much, But The Gas is.