Archives at Zinester: The Daily Funnies. The Funnies. Humor & Jokes

Subject: The Daily Funnies - June26, 2006

From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.
Welcome to The Funnies

"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
These are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and
hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking
for the money and knocked on the door.

"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an
armored car yesterday?"

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.

One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school
yesterday . . "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man goes to see the Rabbi.

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I
have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this asks, "How
can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain
she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me
talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll
let you know.

A week later, the Rabbi calls the man and says,
"Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on
the phone for three hours. Do you want to hear
my advice?"

The man anxiously says, "Yes. YES!"

"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bob Knight, after his team had been sent home from the tournament,
began considering his career, his future, and, as his thoughts turned
that direction, the afterlife. So he contacted his local minister to
discuss the issue.
"Reverend, will I be able to coach basketball in Heaven?" he
inquired.
Now, of course, his minister didn't want to give a glib answer, so
he told Bobby that he wanted to pray for a while and ask for some divine
inspiration before responding to his question.
After a week of prayer, the minister called the coach into his
study, and asked him to take a seat. "Robert," he said, "I have some
good news for you, and some bad news."
"What's the good news?", asked Coach Knight.
"Well, the good news is that yes, you will be able to coach
basketball in Heaven," replied the minister.
"And the bad news?" asked coach Knight (grimacing, probably having
heard jokes like this before).
"Well, Bob," responded the minister, "you'll be coaching the
visiting team."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A park ranger in the Everglades was making his rounds a

couple of summers ago when a woman came bolting out of

the weeds right in front of his truck. She seemed frantic

and he finally got her calm enough to say that her five-

year-old son was sitting on the back of an alligator.

Now the ranger was frantic. Running in the direction she

was pointing he found the lad astride a twelve foot male

alligator which was trying to relieve itself of its load

by twisting and snapping. As the brave ranger moved in he

tried to console the mother by saying, "I think I can grab

the boy and move away before the gator moves. Be ready to

grab your son. I may have to shoot the gator."

To which the lady replies "Good Heavens, no! Don't shoot

him. I just wanted you to make him hold still for a minute

so I could take my son's picture on his back."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife asked me to help one of our neighbors, a young mother whose
sailor husband was at sea. Her car had to have a freeze plug replaced,
a job that took two days. Then I discovered that the battery was dead,
and the starter was shot, so I fixed those too.

Days later, I proudly handed the woman her keys saying, "Now your
car is good for many more miles."

"Thanks," she said. "All I care is that it runs long enough to
make it to the dealer. I'm trading it in tomorrow."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was talking to someone the other day about April's home town of
Piney Flats, Tennessee.

I said, "The town's built on a one-way street. It's so small,
that if you pass it by mistake, you have to go clear around the world to
get back to it again."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails
down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga. She did, and
soon her fingernails were growing normally.

Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.
"No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them
instead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was this party in the woods and all of a sudden there was a
downpour of thunder and rain. These two young guys ran for about 10
minutes in the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain
let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road,
laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other. All of
a sudden, an old Indian man's face appeared in the passenger window and
tapped lightly on the window! The passenger screamed, "Look at my
window!!! There's an old Indian guy's face there!" This old Indian man
kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well open the window a little and
ask him what he wants!" So the passenger rolled his window down and
says, "What do you want???" The old Indian softly replied, "You have any
tobacco?" The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He
wants tobacco!" The driver replies, "Well, offer him a cigarette!
HURRY!!" So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a
cigarette and yells, "Step on it!", rolling up the window in terror. Now
going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start laughing
again, and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?" The driver
says, "I don't know...how can that be? I'm going pretty fast!" Then all
of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window and there is the old
Indian man again. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa, there he is again!", the passenger
yells. "Well, see what he wants now!" yells back the driver. He rolls
down the window a little ways and shakily says, "Yes?" "Do you have a
light?" the old Indian quietly asks. The passenger throws a lighter out
the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!" They
are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to
forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again,
there is more knocking! "Oh NOOOOO! HE'S BACK!" He rolls down the window
and screams out, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" in stark fear. The old man gently
replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World
War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right
to Pensacola skipping boot camp.

The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the
base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him
immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.

On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6
Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more
Japanese planes and shot them all down, too.

Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier
and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the
canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he
said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"

The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "You make one velly
impoltant mistake!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the
Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at
night!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was calling the Internal Revenue Service to discuss a matter on behalf of a client with my client on the line, too. When we were being transferred from one representative to a "specialist" there was music on hold in the background. It was the "Waltz of the Flowers" by Tchaikovsky.

I had to comment to my client about the appropriateness of IRS playing music from "The Nutcracker".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One October my wife and I spent a vacation on Washington's Olympic Peninsula. We were eager to visit the rain forests near the coast, but we heard that snow slides had made some of the roads impassable. Although apprehensive about the conditions we might run into, we drove on. Sure enough, we had gone only a short way up the High Rain Forest Road when we saw a sign: "Ice 10 miles."

Five miles farther on there was another: "Ice 5 miles."

The next one was: "Ice 1/2 mile." We practically crept that half-mile.

Then we came to the last sign. It was outside a small grocery store, and it read: "Ice 75 cents." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.

"Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got to stop them."

"Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.

When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?"

"Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day every month our local supermarket gives senior citizens a ten-percent discount on their purchases. On that day the line-ups can be long and slow. One day the line seemed slower than usual, and the man ahead of me was not very happy when he reached the checkout. When the cashier asked him if he was a senior citizen, the man replied, "Well, I wasn't when I got in line, but I am now."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Everyone jumped to pick the phone up when it rang. My brother was calling to announce the birth of his first child. My parents and I rushed to the hospital and met Christopher outside the maternity ward. "You've got to see the new baby!" he gushed. "He's gorgeous!" At the entrance to the nursery, Christopher stopped to read the notice on the door. His face fell. "Only you can go in, Mom and Dad," he said, crestfallen. "I have to stay out here. The sign says PARENTS ONLY ADMITTED."

My father roared with laughter. "You are the parent!" he told the new father. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My husband and I attended a pre-election address by a prominent senator. When he ended his speech, an ardent admirer thanked the guest of honor profusely and presented him with a hand-knit sweater, which the senator promptly tried on. At this, my husband leaned over to me and said sotto voce, "This is the first time I've seen a politician pull the wool over his own eyes."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
George Raft acquired and disposed of about ten million dollars in the course of his career. "Part of the loot went for gambling," he later explained, "part for horses, and part for women. The rest I spent foolishly."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.

So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

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Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies
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**** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****

Allmendinger riding high

American wins again; Champ car leader Bourdais crashes out.

Story

Peace in open-wheel racing?

IRL and Champ Car working toward unification.

Story

Alonso claims Canadian GP

Starting from pole, F1 series leader records 4th straight win.

Story

June 23, 2006: Category 5 Records has signed another artist with a well-known, but unnamed artist perhaps signing in a few weeks, according to label head Raymond Termini.

Termini said the label inked Oddis Kohn, a young traditional artist. "Oddis Kohn was here," said Termini in a telephone interview, referring to Kohn being in Nashville. "He moved to town. He went through the paces...We were fortunate enough to sign him." Termini said he was unsure when when a record would be released.

Termini also said he was hoping to ink a deal with another singer for the new label. He did not say who the artist was, but indicated it was a known artist.

The first album from the label will be out from Sammy Kershaw this coming Tuesday. Travis Tritt also has signed with the label and is slated to release an album next year.

* * * * * * *

June 22, 2006: "Summertime" continues to be the right time for Kenny Chesney as his single once again tops the Billboard country song chart for the week ending July 1. And the Dixie Chicks' "Taking the Long Way Home" also remains number one, but on the album chart.

On the song chart, the first four songs remained the same as the previous week with Phil Vassar's "Last Day Of My Life," Brad Paisley's "The World" and Tim McGraw's "When the Stars Go Blue," two-three-four. Carrie Underwood's "Don't Forget to Remember Me" was up one spot to fifth.

A big mover was Rodney Atkins' "If You're Going Through Hell (Before the Devil Even Knows)" up four to eighth. The Wreckers' "Leave the Pieces" also was up 4 to 16th.

On the album chart, Rascal Flatts' "Me and My Gang" and Underwood's "Some Hearts" remained second and third. Alan Jackson was up two slots to fourth with "Precious Memories." The "Blue Collar Comedy Tour: One for the Road" was down one to fifth.

Trent Willmon debuted in 19th with "A Little More Livin'," his second disc. Blaine Larsen debuted in 23rd with "Rockin' You Tonight," also his second album. Larsen sold about 12,000 units of his disc.

On the overall top 200 chart, the Chicks were 2nd, Rascal Flatts 8th, Underwood 16th, Jackson 18th and the Blue Collar disc 19th.

2 eggs
1 cup butter
2 cups sugar
1 cup sour cream
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 cups all-purpose flour
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 cup chopped pecans
2 teaspoons cinnamon
1/2 cup packed brown sugar

Preheat oven to 350�F. Grease a bundt or tube pan well.
With an electric mixer, cream together the eggs, butter and sugar. Add the sour cream and vanilla, mixing well.

In a separate bowl, stir together the flour, salt and baking

With the mixer running at low speed, slowly add the dry ingredients, and mix just until batter is smooth.

Combine the chopped pecans, cinnamon and brown sugar. Sprinkle half of the mixture evenly in the bottom of the prepared pan. Add half of the cake batter to the pan. Then the remaining pecan mixture. Pour the remaining half of the cake batter in the pan.

Bake in preheated oven for 55 minutes to 1 hour, or until cake

tester comes out clean when inserted in center of cake.

"Granny Smith Apple Tart" (D)

1.) 1 refrigerated fill-and-bake pie crust (7 to 7-1/2 ounces)
2.) 3 large Granny Smith apples (about 1-1/2 pounds total),
peeled, cored, and thinly sliced
3.) 2 teaspoons fresh lemon juice
4.) 1/4 cup packed brown sugar
5.) 1/4 cup sour half-and-half, or 1/4 cup nonfat sour cream
6.) 1 tablespoon quick-cooking tapioca
7.) 1-1/2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
8.) 2 teaspoons granulated sugar

Preheat the oven to 350� F. Put the pie crust into a

9-inch-diameter tart pan with a removable bottom; press the

crust against the fluted edge and trim off any pastry that

extends over the top.

Roll the trimmed dough into a ball; flatten to 1/4 inch and cut

2 or 3 shapes with a cookie cutter. Prick the tart
shell in several places with the tines of a fork.
Put the sliced apples in a large bowl; drizzle them with lemon

juice and toss to mix. In a small bowl, blend the brown sugar,

sour half-and-half, tapioca, and cinnamon.
Fold the brown sugar mixture into the apples until all
the fruit is coated. Spoon the apples into the tart
shell; arrange the dough shapes on top of the apples.
Sprinkle granulated sugar over the top.
Bake for 35 minutes, or until the apples are tender.

Cut in 8 equal slices. Serve hot or at room temperature.

Yield: 1 tart (8 Servings).

Nutritional Information Per Serving (1 slice):
Calories: 200, Fat: 8 g, Cholesterol: 8 mg, Sodium: 146 mg,
Carbohydrate: 34 g, Dietary Fiber: 2 g, Sugars: 20 g,

Protein: 1 g., Diabetic Exchanges: 2 Other Carbohydrate, 1 Fat.
Source: The Daily Diabetic Recipe Newsletter

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Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed from various areas on the web

and from my readers. All are believed to be public domain . If you hold
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proper credit, or remove it which ever you prefer.
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