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Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

TUESDAY JUNE 27,2006


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

While on a cruise in the Bahamas, Gene and his family were joined at 
their dinner table by an elderly couple from Scotland who spoke with 
heavy accents. When the meal was over, Gene's seven-year-old son Gene 
Jr., who was quiet throughout dinner, asked his dad, "What language 
were they talking?" Gene replied, "English." The boy shook his head and 
said, "I didn't know English was also a foreign language."
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When her husband Bill came home from work, Debbie pointed to their 
four-year-old son Sean and said, "I can't answer his questions. He's 
driving me crazy." "Calm down and tell me what Sean asked," Bill told 
her. Debbie replied, "Well, today when I told him to sit on the chair, 
he asked me, ' How come when you tell me to sit down and I do, you tell 
me to sit up?' Bill I don't have an answer for that!"
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As the pediatric RN listened to six-year-old Timmy's room over the 
intercom, she detected some sighs and whimpers. So she pushed the send 
button on the intercom to check on him: Nurse: "Hi, Timmy. Are you all 
right?"

Timmy: "What"

Nurse: "I am asking if you are all right. You aren't scared or anything 
are you?"

Timmy: "Huh"

Nurse: "Timmy, please talk to me."

Nurse: (more urgently): "Timmy, please answer me."

Timmy: (in a scared, small voice): "What do you want, wall?"
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When campaigning for the Senate in 1962, Teddy Kennedy found himself 
talking with a blue-collar worker who said bluntly, "I understand 
you've never worked a day in your life." Kennedy braced himself for a 
resentful lecture, only to be taken by surprise when the man continued, 
"Let me tell you, you haven't missed a thing."
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Last October my wife bought a magnolia tree from the local nursery, but 
after only a few weeks the leaves shriveled. It appeared to be on its 
last legs.

My wife took some leaf samples and marched into the nursery to demand 
an explanation.

"I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia," said the manager.

"Good," said my wife. "What's it suffering from?"

"Autumn," he replied.
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Why, Why, Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries 
are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there 
is not enough?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are 
always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that 
something new to eat will have materialized?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a 
shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all 
right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you 
stupid idiot?"

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer 
when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE...... The statistics on sanity are that one out of 
every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think 
of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
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Kay and Duane were concerned that their daughter Chris, a college 
student, would do nothing but party and drink while on spring break in 
Florida. When Chris returned home before heading back to college, she 
mentioned to her parents, "I read To Kill a Mockingbird at the beach." 
Duane was pleasantly surprised and said, "That's great, honey." Added 
Kay, " I'm so glad you found time to do some course work while on break 
rather than partying all the time." Chris smiled and said, "Well, I 
partied, too, so for literature class, I'm calling my paper Tequila 
Mockingbird."
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Did you hear about the knothead who fell down the elevator shaft?

When he gained consciousness he yelled, "I said UP!"
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The Difference Between Rich and Poor People?

  One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip
to the country with the express purpose of showing him how poor people
live.


They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be
considered a very poor family.

On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the

trip?"

"It was great, Dad."

"Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked.

"Oh yeah," said the son.

"So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.

The son answered: "I saw that we have one dog and they had four.
We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a

creek that has no end.
We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at
night.
Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.
We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go
beyond our sight.
We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.
We buy our food, but they grow theirs.
We have walls around our property to protect us; they have friends to
protect them."

The boy's father was speechless.

Then his son added, "Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are."

Isn't perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would happen

if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about

what we don't have.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!


"Life is too short and friends are too few."


Have a BEAUTIFUL Day!
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Fred - The Ole Fritzbear

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. 
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:  "Rome? 
Why would anyone want to go there?  It's crowded and dirty.  You're crazy to go to Rome. 
So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply.  "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser.  "That's a terrible airline. 
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. 
So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further.  I know that place.  Everybody thinks it's gonna be something
special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city!  The rooms are small,
the service is surly, and they're overpriced.  So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser.  "You and a million other people trying to see him. 
He'll look the size of an ant.  Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.  You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.  The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's
brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine
were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. 
And the hotel was great!  They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel,
the finest hotel in the city.  They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave
us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the
shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step
into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the
Pope walked through the door and shook my hand; I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh really! What'd he say?"
He said: "Where'd you get the crappy hairdo?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
INSULTS for all occations.

You are so stupid, that you sit on the TV and watch the couch!

You were so ugly when you were a child, your mamma had to tie
a porkchop around your neck just so the dog would play with you!

You're so ugly that when you looked out the window, you got
arrested for "mooning."

You're so ugly that when you went for a job application in
a haunted house they said, "No proffesionals allowed!"

You're so poor you stuck your key into the front door and
killed four people in the hall!

You're so poor, your front and back door are on the same hinge!

You're so stupid that you returned a donut because it had
a hole in the middle!

If I had a dog as ugly as you, I would shave his butt and
make him walk back-wards!

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had
enough oxygen at birth?
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Douglas was being evaluated for mental problems and was asked
by the doctor, "If a train was coming down the hallway
toward you, what would you do?"
Douglas replied, "I would get in my helicopter and fly away!"
The doctor then asked, "Where did you get a helicopter from?"
Douglas replied, "The same place you got that train!"
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A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother
 with the following question. "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
 The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."
 The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
 "Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."
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While visiting an old friend, the father of ten growing children, I asked, "How in the world do you get them all to the table at the same time?"

"That's easy," he replied with a twinkle in his eye. "We just set the table for nine and blow a whistle."
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My sister was upset by the manner in which the company truck in the lane next to her was being driven. On the back of it she noticed a sign with a request to call if the truck was being operated in an unsafe manner. Using her cell phone, she did just that. After listening for a minute, the man who answered the phone asked, "Lady, are you driving a blue Mustang?" It was the driver of the truck, answering his cell phone.
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While delivering a sermon on the Seventh Commandment, "Thou shalt not commit adultery," our pastor commented that this sin is not always taken as seriously as it used to be. He used as an example Hester Prynne, in Nathaniel Hawthorne's The Scarlet Letter. After being found guilty of adultery, Hester had to appear in public with an "A" displayed on her clothing. Following the sermon, a visiting male choir, the Ambassadors, faced the congregation-with a brightly embroidered "A" on each of their blazers.


**** Quickies ****
Alimony has an advantage for an ex-husband. He doesn't have to bring his paycheck home. He can mail it.
~
A babysitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are 
out acting like teenagers.
~
Mother: Boys, stop fighting! Who started this anyway?

Nick: Matt started it when he hit me back.
~
 To love is nothing. To be loved is something. To love and be loved is 
everything.

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A.J.'s on fire

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