The new Supermarket near my house has an
automatic mist machine to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a
thunderstorm  When you approach the milk cases,
you hear cows mooing.  When you approach
the egg case, you hear hens cackle.
So far I have been too afraid to go down
the toilet paper aisle.
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THIS IS EVEN BETTER THAN THE "DO NOT CALL" LIST.

The phone rang as I was sitting down to my anticipated evening meal, and
as I answered it I was greeted with, "Is this William Wagenhoss?" This
didn't sound anything like my name, so I asked, "Who is calling?" The
telemarketer said he was with The Rubberband-Powered Freezer Company or
something like that. I asked him if he knew William personally and why
was he was calling this number. I then said off to the side, "Get really
good pictures of the body and all the blood." I then turned back to the
phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must
stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be
receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this
murder case. I then questioned the caller at great length as to his
name,
address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew
the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before
he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his
answers were given in a shaky voice. I proceeded to tell him we had
located his position at his work place and the police were entering the
building to take him into custody. At that point, I heard the phone
fall
and the scurrying of his running away. My wife asked me as I returned to
our table, why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I
couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.

My meal was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable Steve ;-)
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Bet this wouldn't happen these days...

When Jack Benny was invited to perform at the White House, he showed up
at the gate with his violin case under his arm. A burly guard blocked
his way. Somewhat tensely, the guard asked what was in the case.

'A machine gun,' Benny said.

The guard relaxed. 'Oh, that's fine, Mr. Benny,' he said. 'Go right in.
For a moment there I was afraid it was your violin.'
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A man goes into a pub, sits down at the bar, and orders five pints of
ale. The bartender gives him an odd look since the guy's all by
himself. But, he goes ahead and serves up the five pints and lines them
up on the bar. The man downs thenm..... One, Two, Three, Four, Five.

He finishes the last one and calls to the barman,"Four pints, please,
mate!"

The bartender serves up four pints and lines them on the bar. The man
downs them...... One, Two, Three, Four. Then he belches loudly, sways
slightly on the stool, and promptly orders three more pints.

And one after the other, he knocks them back...... One, Two, Three.

"Two pints, mate!" he calls, and the bartender places two pints in
front of him. Down they go..... One, Two. Ahhhh!

As the man slams the last one down on the bar, he says, "On pint, mate!"

So, the bartender fills the glass.

The guy sits there, staring at it for a moment, trying to focus. Then
he looks at the bartender and says, "Y'know, 'ish a funny t'ing, but
the less I drink, the drunker I get....."
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Patient: "This hospital is no good. They treat us like dogs."

Orderly: "Mr. Jones, you know that's not true. Now, roll over."
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One of baseball's greatest pitchers, Rube Waddell, was one of the
game's heaviest drinkers. During a booze bout, Waddell announced that
he could fly. When teammates hooted him down, Rube yanked open a hotel
window and jumped out.

He survived the fall. When he sobered up, Waddell yelled at his
roommate Ossie Schreck for not stopping him from pulling such a foolish
stunt. "Stop you," Schreck countered. "Hell, I bet a hundred bucks you
could do it."
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At Andersen Air Force Base, Guam, a man in civilian clothes approached
an airman and requested a vehicle pass.

The young airman, fresh out of technical training, asked to see his
military ID, driver's license and his vehicle registration.

Noticing the letters BG on the man's identification, the new airman
asked, "What's BG stand for -- Big Guy?"

"No," the man replied, leaning over the counter... "Try Brigadier
General."
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After a trial had been going on for three days, Finley, the man accused
of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench.
"Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from 'innocent' to 'guilty'
of the charges."

The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why
didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time
and inconvenience?" he demanded.

Finley looked up wide-eyed and stated, "Well, when the trial started I
thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence
against me."
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A friend of mine joined the Navy and soon after he had completed boot
camp, he was invited to be in a friend's wedding. He asked an officer
for a pass and was told he had to be back by 7 p.m. Sunday.

"You don't understand, sir," my friend said. "I'm in the wedding."

The officer replied, "No, YOU don't understand. You're in the Navy."
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Retirement is also when the husband comes up with all kinds of theories
on how to do the cooking, housework, and shopping better.

The wife also comes up with a theory - that all pills do NOT come in
bottles.
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The Right To Write!

When you write copy, you have the right to copyright the copy you
write, if the copy is right.

If however, your copy falls over, you must right your copy.

If you write religious services you write rite, and have the right to
copyright the rite you write.

Very conservative people write right copy, and have the right to
copyright the right copy they write.

A right wing cleric would write right rite, and has the right to
copyright the right rite he has the right to write.

His editor has the job of making the right rite copy right before the
copyright can be right.

Should Thom Wright decide to write right rite, then Wright would write
right rite, which Wright has the right to copyright. Duplicating that
rite would copy Wright's right rite, and violate copyright, which
Wright would have the right to right. Right?
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Helping me sort clothes into "save" and "give away" piles, my six-
year-old daughter came across a garter belt. "What’s this?" she asked.

"It’s a garter belt," I said. Seeing that meant nothing to her, I
added, "It’s for holding up stockings."

"Ah," she said, carefully placing it in the "save" pile, "we’ll use it
Christmas Eve."
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Billy Graham Quotes

Courage is contagious. When a brave man takes a stand, the spines of
others are stiffened.

Hot heads and cold hearts never solved anything.

We cannot truly face life until we face the fact that it will be taken
away from us.

When wealth is lost, nothing is lost; when health is lost, something is
lost; when character is lost, all is lost.

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Fred - The Ole Fritzbear

"Today is the 24th anniversary of the IBM personal computer.  
Experts say it revolutionized work and made people more pro-  
ductive at the office. Except for the six hours a day they  
are emailing friends, sufing the Internet, and playing  
solitaire!" --Jay Leno  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"On this date in 1898 New York City became an official city.  
And on this date in 1968 it became a living hell."  
 --Dave Letterman  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"President Bush gave the commencement address at the  
Merchant Marine Academy. While he was there a cadet, who  
took six years to graduate, surprised President Bush by  
giving him a bear hug. When asked about it, the cadet said,  
'President Bush is an inspiration to everyone who takes  
six years to graduate.'" --Conan O'Brein  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his  
home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter  
asked, "When did you bag him?"  

The host said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I  
went hunting with my ex-wife."  

"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.  

"My ex-wife." replied the hunter.  
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Did you hear about the two guys who decided to try duck  
hunting? They bought new outfits & equipment, and went out  
to a place in the woods where they heard the hunting was  
really good. But after several hours of thrashing through  
the woods, one fellow said, "I don't know about this. We've  
been out here all day and haven't caught a single duck. Do  
you think we're doing something wrong?"  

"I don't know," replied the other. "Maybe we're not throwing  
the dog high enough."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The judge was questioning a fellow in court. "Have you had any previous charges?" he asked.

There was no response to the question, so the judge rephrased it. "Have you ever been up before me before?"

A brief silence followed. The defendant then responded: "I don't know, judge. What time do you get up?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last weekend I was driving from Milwaukee to Chicago with my wife.

Wisconsin had recently installed new scoreboard-style highway signs that keep commuters up-to-date on current traffic conditions and at the time the message read, "Change speed to 50mph a head."

I thought, "There are two heads in this car at the moment so..." and then looked over at my wife who, without waiting for me to say anything, simply said, "No."

She knows me too well.
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Because I had missed a few appointments with my chiropractor, his receptionist, Candice, started calling me with a reminder. Once, however, I made it to the office without the customary phone call from her. She ushered me into the doctor's office, and when I came out, I told her how pleased I was that I had remembered. "Actually," she said, "your appointment's not till next week."
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The two-year-old patient's complaint was a common summer difficulty. He had a cherry pit stuffed up his nostril. The mother explained that she had already tried tweezers in an attempt to remove the pit but only succeeded in pushing it farther up her son's nose.

I realized our emergency equipment was unsuitable for a comfortable removal of the object. But I'd been taught early on in medical school that a paper clip bent in a particular position, and then curved slightly, could be looped behind a pit to extract it from the nose. Finding a large clip, I bent it accordingly and managed to extract the object.

The mother looked at me and smiled. That's why I came to the hospital--access to high-tech equipment
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As my friend neared her car, pushing a cart full of groceries, she noticed that a note had been stuck to her cracked windshield. It mysteriously read "Phone Ben," with a telephone number she didn't recognize. Puzzled, she unloaded the grocery cart, peeled the note from the glass and left.

After she had unloaded the groceries at home, curiosity overcame her. She reached for the phone and dialed the unfamiliar number. After three rings a male voice answered: "Windshield repairs. Ben speaking."
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The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. "Everyone knows no full- stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send us two of them."
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A man was showing his friend a new set of matched golf clubs he had just bought. "Doctor's orders," the man told his friend. "My wife and I have been gaining too much weight and we went to see the doctor about it. He said we needed more exercise, so I joined the country club and bought myself this set of golf clubs."

"What about your wife?" the friend asked. "What did you buy her?"

"A new lawn mower," the golfer said
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"Baseball is the only field of endeavor where a man can succeed three times out of ten and be considered a good performer." (Ted Williams)