During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the
dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.

The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was
happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated
and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.

After going all the way around the room, the children left, and
there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one
child was heard to say, "You see, it IS vanishing cream!"
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A union shop steward is addressing a union meeting...

"Comrades. We have agreed on a new deal with the management.
We will no longer work four days a week."

"Hooray!", goes the crowd.

"We will finish work at 4 PM, not 5 PM."

"Hooray!", goes the crowd, again.

"We will start work at 10 AM, not 9 AM."

"Hooray!"

"We have a 150% pay rise."

"Hooray!"

"We will only work on Wednesdays."

Silence...then a voice from the back asks, "Every Wednesday?"
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A little old lady answered a knock on the door one
day, only to be confronted by a well dressed young
man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said
the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes
of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very
latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!"
said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and
she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash,
the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not
until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure
onto her hallway carpet.
  "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces
of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will
personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite
because the electricity was cut off this morning."
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  Clarification of Hiring Lingo

  You live in the Deep South when...

  1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
  2. "ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
  3. After five years you still hear, "Ya ain't from 'round here, are 
ya?"
  4. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
  5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty 
Jean, etc.

  You live in Colorado when...

  1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
  2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he 
stops at the day care center.
  3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
  4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

  You live in the Midwest when...

  1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
  2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
  3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
  4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
  5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was 
different!"

  You live in Florida when...

  1. You eat dinner at 4:15 in the afternoon.
  2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
  3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
  4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
  5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
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Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church's 
morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several 
residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough 
to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, in accusing new-member George after she 
saw his pickup truck parked all afternoon in front of the town's only 
bar. Said Sarah, "Everyone seeing it there would just know that he was 
an alcoholic!"

George, a taciturn sort, stared at her for a moment before simply 
walking away, saying nothing.

Later that evening, George parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house.

And proceeded to leave it there all night.
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A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for 
their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. 
She is all excited, she loves her phone and he explains all the 
features on the phone.

The next day, the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her 
husband:

"Hi honey", he says "how do you like your new phone?"

And she replies:

"I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but 
there's one thing I don't understand though".

"What's that, baby?," asks the husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal Mart?"
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Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills 
uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are 
caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen 
monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes 
severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive 
sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, 
vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become 
dependent, DHMO withdrawal means death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:

* is also known as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain.

* contributes to the "greenhouse effect."

* may cause severe burns.

* contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.

* accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.

* may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of 
automobile brakes.

* has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

CONTAMINATION IS REACHING EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS!

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every 
stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is 
global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. In 
the midwest alone DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property 
damage.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:

* as an industrial solvent and coolant.

* in nuclear power plants.

* in the production of styrofoam.

* as a fire retardant.

* in many forms of cruel animal research.

* in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce 
remains contaminated by this chemical.

* as an additive in "junk-foods" and other food products.

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be 
done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on 
wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

THE HORROR MUST BE STOPPED!

The American government has refused to ban the production, 
distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its "importance 
to the economic health of this nation." In fact, the navy and other 
military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and 
designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during 
warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive 
tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution 
network. Many store large quantities for later use.

IT'S NOT TOO LATE!

Act NOW to prevent further contamination. Find out more about this 
dangerous chemical. What you don't know CAN hurt you and others 
throughout the world.

(Note: Dihydrogen monoxide is another way of saying H20, or just plain 
water)
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A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But,
being payday, instead of going home, he stayed
out the entire weekend partying with the boys
and spending his entire paycheck.

When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he
was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged
for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said
to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me
for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday
and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough
where he could see her a little out of the corner
of his left eye.
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It was the first camping experience for Jed. As soon as he had
pitched his tent, he went for a hike in the woods. In about
fifteen minutes he rushed back into camp, bleeding and disheveled.

"What happened?" asked a fellow camper.

"I was chased by a black snake!" cried the frightened Jed.

The camper laughed and retorted, "A black snake isn't deadly."

"Listen," groaned Jed,
"If he can make you jump off a fifty-foot cliff, he is!"
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During a storm, my wife's car became stuck
in a snowbank. Our obstetrician saw her
spinning her wheels, trying to get out.
When he offered to help, my wife could not
resist telling him, "Okay, Doctor,
now when I count to three, PUSH!"
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Things that make you go Hmmm....
Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone
companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for
TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you
hear a radio station?
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Fred - The Ole Fritzbear