The nurse who can smile when things go wrong is probably going off duty.
~
"Our elections are free, it's in the results where eventually we pay." (Bill Stern)
~
"President Bush will not concede that global warming may  
have something to do with this crazy weather though he has  
been conducting all official business wearing floaties."  
 --Jimmy Kimmel   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~    
"We've had huge rain storms all the way from Minnesota to  
New York. Or as Al Gore calls it, global leaking."  
 --Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Here's something new in law enforcement. In L.A. they are  
using unmanned drones flying over the city to fight crime.  
This should take some pressure off Superman."  
 --Dave Letterman   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of  
his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign  
on it saying "Free to good home, You want it you take it."  

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person  
looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were  
too un-trusting of this deal, looks to good to be true, so  
he changed the sign to read "Fridge for sale $5o". The next  
day someone stole it.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two advertising executives were having lunch and talking. The
young exec trainee said to the older, wiser man, "Where has Ben Harris
been hanging out? I haven't seen him for a while."
The senior exec replied, "Haven't you heard? Ben Harris went to
that great ad agency in the sky."
"Good Lord," replied the junior man, "You're kidding me, right?
What did he have?"
"Oh, nothing much," replied the elder exec. "A small toothpaste
account and a couple of discount stores, but nothing much worth going
after."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When a man needs a suit, he and his wife go to the store. The
salesman and the wife make selections from the rack. The husband tries
them on. The wife and the salesman discuss the fit, remarking on the
fullness, thinness or any asymmetry of the husband's body. The jacket
and pants are pulled, tucked, pleated and bunched in assessing the need
for tailoring.
Once a suit is chosen, the wife and the store's tailor repeat the
fitting procedure and then negotiate a date when the suit will be ready.
On leaving the store, the husband may talk if he wishes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One morning, the teacher asks her class, "All those
who want to go to heaven, please put up your hand."
Everyone raises their hand except Benjamin, so the teacher asks,
"Why don't you want to go to heaven, Benjamin?"
"Because," he replies, "I heard my father tell my mother,
'Business has gone to hell' and I want to go where the business went."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whisky. When the
bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is
everybody?"

The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.

"Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat,
brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers, and brown paper
shoes."

"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him
for?"

"Rustling," said the bartender.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Some sad news, the oldest living creature on earth has died.  
A 176 year old tortoise named Harriet. A 176 years old. In  
fact, do you know how the tortoise died? Sky diving accident."  
 --Jay Leno   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 "People are happy that Superman is back. But the film itself,  
is uh, I don't want to say its dull but all it is for two  
hours Superman talks about global warming." --David Letterman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Bad times on the East Coast as much of Washington, D.C. is  
flooded. The president hasn't been affected by the rain.  
He's been able to get around just fine on the presidential  
boogie board, Cowabunga One." --Jimmy Kimmel   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For years my husband denied he was an aggressive driver.  
That changed one day when we were out for a ride with our  
three-year-old, Matthew. Seeing a teaching opportunity, I  
began quizzing Matthew about traffic lights.  

"What does a red light mean?" I asked.  

"Stop."  

"How about green?"  

"Go."  

"And yellow?"  

In his best impression of Daddy, Matthew bellowed, "Hang on!"   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left  
side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine  
travelling at the same speed as you.  

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size  
as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a  
helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and  
the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.  

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous  
situation?  

Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When the tenor finished singing the aria, the applause from the audience was deafening. To a man and woman, the audience insisted that he sing the aria again. After he obliged, the reaction was just as strong. "More, more, more," the audience roared. Eight times he sang the aria.

Indicating that the applause be withheld, he stepped forward and told the audience, "This is the greatest moment of my life. Eight times you have made me sing this one aria."

A voice from the balcony yelled out, "And we're going to make you keep singing it until you get it right!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Nothing looks good on me anymore," wailed a customer modeling an outfit in front of the department store's mirror.

"Nonsense, ma'am," soothed the salesclerk. "That dress says it all."

"That's the problem," the woman replied. "I need a dress that keeps its mouth shut instead." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The guests were all seated, patiently waiting for the dessert that would top off the excellent dinner... when from the front of the house the little boy's friends called him to come out and play.

"Sorry, fellas," he yelled back. "I can't come out now. It's my turn to help mother count the silverware after the company is gone."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A widow received $100,000 from a policy her husband had taken out years before. Looking at the money, the bereaved widow said, "I'd give ten thousand dollars to have him back!"
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A WELL-PLANNED LIFE???

Two elderly women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school. Did you manage to live a well-planned life?"

"Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."

Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well- planned life?"

"One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day while my father and I were working on his boat that was sitting on a trailer in the yard, my nephew came over and was walking around the boat looking at every detail. Before long he was asking a lot of questions. I only recall one in particular. This boat had a galley in it complete with a sink and on the outside of the boat was a drain hole to allow waste water to go directly into the ocean. Now let me say I love this kid but he is a brick shy of a load His question was when told it was a sink hole. (are you ready?) Do you mean if the boat sinks that's where you get the water out? I swear this is a true story.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two models are walking down the street and come to the window of a jewelry store. They stop to admire a gorgeous diamond bracelet in the window. One model says, "Beautiful, isn't it? But who would be fool enough to pay ninety thousand for it?"

The second model says, "I don't know, but I'll find him!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The young man was attempting to worm his way into the affections of this young lady. "I don't have as much as Donald Trump," he said. "I don't have expensive houses or cars like Donald Trump. I can't afford to buy you fancy diamonds and pearls like Donald Trump. But I love you."

The young lady said, "That's nice. Now tell me more about that Donald Trump." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Saying grace at mealtime was a tradition at Grandma's house. At breakfast, lunch and supper, all who gathered around the table would bow their heads to give blessing for the food they were about to eat.

Much to Grandma's sadness, this tradition was not brought to our home by my mother, so as a four-year-old, the practice of saying grace was very confusing to me.

Mother embarrassingly recalls that once, while Grandma rambled through one of her lengthy mealtime thanks to God, I asked in a rather loud voice, "Why is Grandma talking to her plate?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The following note was fastened to a defective parking meter with a rubber band...

"I put three quarters in this meter. License #476IPQ."

"FRD719-Me, too!"

"So did I--JRY335."

"I'm not going to pay a quarter to find out if these guys are lying. WTM259." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The anesthesiologist at the outpatient surgery center often chatted with patients before their operations to help them relax. One day he thought he recognized a woman as a co-worker at the VA hospital where he had trained.

When the patient confirmed that his hunch was correct, he said, "So, tell me, is the food still as bad there as it used to be?"

"Well," she replied, "I'm still cooking it."   

Banana Cream Supreme

* Exported from MasterCook *

BANANA CREAM SUPREME

Recipe By : Pampered Chef
Serving Size : 8-10 Preparation Time :0:00
Categories : Cake or Pie, Dessert

16 graham cracker squares (1 1/4 c. crumbs)
1/4 c. margarine or butter -- melted
3 T. sugar
1 c. sour cream
1/2 c. milk
1 small box instant vanilla pudding mix
12 oz. Cool Whip (I use Light)
3 bananas -- sliced
2 T. chopped pecans

Make crumbs out of the graham crackers; mix with margarine and sugar. Press into 9-inch springform pan.

In a bowl whisk sour cream and milk. Mix in pudding until dissolved. Fold in Cool Whip.

Spread half of the pudding mixture in the pan. Layer sliced bananas on top of that. Pour rest of pudding mixture over bananas. Sprinkle pecans over the top.

Chill a while before serving. It sets up fairly quickly.

"Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves." (Abraham Lincoln)