Archives at Zinester: The Daily Funnies. The Funnies. Humor & Jokes

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Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

Y'ALL HAVE A SAFE & HAPPY 4th of JULY

ME TOO!!!!!

THOUGHT FOR TODAY:I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury. -- Groucho Marx

- Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

- A day without sunshine is like...night.

- On the other hand, you have different fingers

- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

- Remember, half the people you know are below average.

- He who laughs last thinks slowest.

- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

- Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

- Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

- If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

- How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
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A big Texas rancher and a little Missouri farmer had a conversation.

The Texas rancher said, "I can get into my truck, drive it all day and not ever get off of my ranch!"

"Yeah," replied the little Missouri farmer, "I had a truck like that one time."

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Why Specs Live Forever
The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates.

Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.

So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Specs and Bureaucracies live forever.

So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's
rear came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends
of two war horses.
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One foggy night, as the admiral was walking along the deck of his battleship, he saw the light of another ship approaching in the distance. Quickly he went down to the radio room and had a message sent: "Ajust your course 10 degrees starbord."

But the message came back "Adjust your course 10 degrees port"

This began to anger the admiral, so he thought he needed to make himself clear. He sent the message "This is an order from an Admiral. Ajust your course 10 degrees starbord."

But the message came back "I am a petty officer, second class. Adjust your course 10 degrees port"

If the admiral was angry before, he was furious now. No way did he take orders from a petty officer! He ordered a message sent which would make
his position clear: "This is a nuclear battleship. Ajust your course 10 degrees starbord."

And again the message came back "This is a lighthouse. Adjust your course
10 degrees port"
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A scientist, on hearing the miracles of cloned sheep, decided to ignore all warnings and clone himself. Soon he would have another him; doubling his work capacity and providing company on those all-night reseach binges.

But a problem developed. His new double looked just like him, sounded just
like him, and acted just like him; but whenever he spoke a pure stream of
filthy language spewed forth.

The terrible twin talked such a blue streak he made dead sailors blush.

Soon, the scientist could take it no more. He lured his lewd lookalike to an ocean cliff, crept up behind him and pushed his dirty doppleganger over the edge.

He stayed just long enough to see the rude replica dissapear into the surf,
then slipped quietly home, free at last!

But he didn't get away with it. The whole thing had been seen by neighbors.

Eventually he was arrested and charged with making an obscene clone fall.
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Knock Knock! Who's There?

Yule.

Yule who?

Yule never know unless you open the door!
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A woman went out to her yard one morning and found her dog just laying there, not moving at all. She thought it might be dead, but since it was a basset hound and never moved much anyway, she wanted to be sure... after all, she didn't want to bury it and then find out it wasn't. So she took it to the vet.

The vet agreed to take a look. He shook the dog gently. He checked for a doggy pulse, but couldn't find one. He held a mirror up to the dog's nose but it stayed clear. He said, "Well, the dog does look dead; but I'd like to run one more test."

He goes into the other room and brings back an animal carrier. He opens the door and a cat comes out, walks around the dog two or three times, and finally lifts it's head and tail and goes back into the carrier.

Vet says, "Well, ma'am, I'm sorry to say but your dog is dead."

"Well, that's what I came here to find out," she says, "How much do I owe you?"

"That'll be $520."

"What?" she screams, "$520 to tell me my dog's dead?? Why so much?"

"Well," said the vet, "it's $20 for the office visit, and $500 for the cat scan."
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The Fourth of July was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free."

One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free. I'm four."

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My aunt's three older children were a little over 6, not yet 5, and just
turned 3 when their baby sister was born. Sandy was in kindergarten
so had to stay home and go to school. But the boys came and stayed
with us for a week. I was 15 and my sister was almost 13. Mom
watched them while we were in school. Then when we got out of
school, we took them across the street to the grade school playground
and played with them. They were having the time of their life. They
were in no hurry to go home. The day we were to take them home, they
took forever with baths and
breakfast.
We got them home and my uncle answered the door. He told the boys he
had a surprise for them. Donnie, almost 5, went running to the back
yard. A little later he came in looking very unhappy. His father
told him to come look at the surprise, his new baby sister. He
started crying, "But I wanted a swingset!!"
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A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself.
"You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go home and show
her you're the boss." The husband decided to take the doctor's advice.
He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and
growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper
right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my
clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at
home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my
bow tie?" "I certainly do," said his wife calmly. "The undertaker."
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My daughter called me at work to say I was to phone Ian at my bank. The
operator asked me what Ian's last name was and I explained that he
hadn't left his surname. When she asked for his department, I said I
didn't know. "There are 1500 employees in this building, ma'am," she
advised me rather curtly. After a few more brusque comments, I asked
her for her name. "Danielle," she said. "And your last name?" I asked.
"Sorry," she replied, "we don't give out last names."
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The congregation liked their new clergyman, but were somewhat puzzled by
his speaking style. His first sermon ran only 8 minutes; the second
Sunday he spoke for 45 minutes; the third week he rattled on for an
hour-and-a-half. That was enough for the Board to summon him for a
little chat. To their relief, Wilkerson had a ready explanation. "The
Saturday before the first sermon, I had my teeth pulled and my mouth was
still terribly sore. But, by the time a week had gone by, I'd gotten
used to my new dentures." Here the minister paused, and blushed deeply.
"And as for last Sunday . . . well, I'm afraid that I picked up my
wife's set of teeth by mistake!"
Have a Safe, Sane -
HAPPY 4th - Drive Carefully
Fred - The Ole Fritzbear
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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a
human because even though they were a very large mammal their throat
was very small. The little girl stated Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
The teacher reiterated a whale could not swallow a human; it was impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
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Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one
fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.

"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked. The other guy
replied that no, he only needed the one.

"Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that
ball?"

The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose
it, so I don't need another one."

Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the
ball goes in the lake?"

"That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able
to retrieve it."

"Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among
the bushes and shrubs?"

The other guy replied, "That's okay, too. You see, this special golf
ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back - no problem."

Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the
sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you
going to do then?"

"No problem," says the other guy, "you see, this ball is florescent.
I'll be able to see it in the dark."

Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks,
"Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"

The other guy replies, "I found it."
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A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant.
This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions.
She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman
and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
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The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some
exercise. You need to make sure the dog runs around, the
doctor said. Try playing a game of fetch the ball.
"I can't play fetch with my dog," the blonde said.
"Why not?" the doctor asked.
"Because," she replied, "He can't throw, duh."
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The Redneck Guide to Dating Etiquette

1. Do not enter your date in a female mud-wrestling
contest without asking her permission.

2. Do not refer to your hunting dog as "the other
woman in your life."

3. Do not mention your UFO abduction experiences until
at least the third date.

4. Do not expect a woman wearing a dress to be happy
about climbing into a truck with tires that are
taller than she is. Be sure to warn her to wear
jeans.

5. Your favorite faded Dukes of Hazard t-shirt should
be saved for the fifth or more date, unless, of
course, it's the only clean shirt you have.

6. If the woman drives, never, ever try to get away
with spitting tobacco down the side of your seat
on the hope that she won't notice. She's not like
your slobbering fishing buddies, so you must always
roll down your window when you need to spit.

7. Never compare her figure to that of a Coors can,
even if you're trying to tell her that she's real
sleek.

8. Deep Woods Off! is not a substitute for deodorant.

9. Never tell a woman straight out that you can't
have her name tatooed on you because your Mom, who
is so proud of your bicep bearing her name, would
be psychotically jealous.

10. Do not invite a woman to go cow-tipping if she's
wearing high heels
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The blonde was complaining to one of her friends.

"It was terrible!" she said. "I had to change seats
five times at the movie last night!"

"Why? asked her friend. "Did some guy bother you?"

"Yeah," she said, "eventually!"
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A blonde gets pulled over for speeding and a
few other infractions along the way. The police
officer walks up and asks to see her license.

The blonde replies, "Duh, you officers need to
get your eyes checked. Can't you see I'm only
thirteen?"
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My mom got mad at my dad the other day and went shopping to relieve her
irritation. When she returned home she informed him that she had
purchased ten new dresses.
"Ten!" he hollered, "What could any woman want with ten new
dresses??"
My mom calmly replied, "Ten new pairs of shoes."
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My friend, a trucker, is often caught in commuter rush-hour traffic. One
morning when everything came to a standstill, he sat high up in his
18-wheeler singing and whistling.
A passenger in a nearby car, frustrated by the delay, yelled up at
my brother, "What are you so happy about?"
"I'm already at work!" he cheerfully replied.
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It was their first date, and she'd shown the patience of a saint
as he babbled on and on about his hobbies, his pet peeves, his driving
techniques, and even the standards he used to choose his barber.
Finally, he came up for air and said, "But enough about me. Let's
talk about you." She breathed a sigh of relief.
He went on, "What do you think about me?"
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Little Johnny had just gotten his ear pierced, and the other students
were bombarding him with questions about the process.

"Does the hole go all the way through?" Billy asked.

"Yes," answered Little Johnny.

"Did it hurt?" asked Susie.

"Just a little," replied Little Johnny.

"Did they stick a needle through your ears?" asked Jacob.

"No, they used a special gun," said Little Johnny.

Silence followed, and then Joe called out, "Like, how far away did they
stand?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I worked at the computer help desk for a company that marketed fax software. "I simply cannot get my computer to send a fax using the software!" a customer once complained to me. I went into a lengthy explanation of how it worked. Since she still looked bewildered when I finished, I asked her to demonstrate how she had done it.

She activated the software, took a sheet of paper from her briefcase, placed it against the monitor screen and pressed the Enter key.
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The Final Inspection

The soldier stood and faced his God,
Which must always come to pass;
He hoped his shoes were shining bright,
Just as brightly as his brass.

"Step forward now, soldier,
How shall I deal with you?
Have you turned the other cheek?
To my church have you been true?"

The soldier squared his shoulders and said,
"No, Lord, I guess I ain't;
Because those of us who carry guns,
Can't always be a saint.

I've had to work most Sundays,
And at times my talk was rough;
I've had to break your rules my Lord,
Because the world is awfully tough.

But, I never took a thing
That wasn't mine to keep;
Though I worked a lot of overtime,
When the bills got just too steep.

And I never passed a cry for help,
Though at times I shook with fear;
And sometimes ... God forgive me,
I've wept unmanly tears.

I know I don't deserve a place
Among the people here;
They never wanted me around,
Except to calm their fears.

If you've a place for me here, Lord,
It needn't be so grand;
I never expected or had too much,
But if you don't, I'll understand."

There was a silence all around the throne,
Where the saints often trod;
As the soldier waited quietly,
For the judgment of his God.

"Step forward now, soldier,
You've borne your burdens well;
Come walk peacefully on Heaven's streets,
You've done your time in HELL!"

This might be good to remember..

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Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies
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