One year, Johnny's family was having an "extended family"
4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats
that year was lighting the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle
rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out of
state (they're illegal in their state, of course!).

Just before they were to arrive, a cousin called, saying his
neighbors' plans had just fallen through and asking if he
bring them along to the picnic -- they even had extra food
to bring. "Sure, the more the merrier!"

When the cousin arrived with his neighbors, it was
discovered that the head of that family was a police
officer. Johnny's father turned as innocently as he could to
his son and whispered to him to grab the paper bag of
fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere
quickly. Johnny disappeared, and the father changed the
topic to food for the day. This family had brought some
chicken to grill, so the father told them the gas grill was
all set to use out back -- they just had to turn on the gas
and push the ignition button with the lid still closed.

They headed out to the back as Johnny returned through the
front door. The father hurried to him and said, "Whew, that
was close! That man's a police officer, and he almost saw
the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?"

"Oh, yeah, nobody will ever think to look in the grill!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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My aunt's neighbors were voted "Parents of the Year" by their small town. They were grandparents many times over and, in addition to their own large family, they had adopted several children of different colors and creeds. A family reunion had been organized in conjunction with the award ceremony and the entire community turned out to honor them. During a televised interview the mother was asked how many children they had raised. "None," she answered firmly. Then, looking lovingly over the front two rows of the audience, she added softly, "But we've raised 17 fine adults."
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BOY, THAT'S THE TRUTH
Sam: Since we met I can't eat.......I can't drink.....
Liz: Why not?

Sam: Because I'm broke
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My neighbor, a primary school teacher, asked one of her pupils, an adopted child, how he felt about his mother's pregnancy.

"Wonderful," the student replied, "and this is her first baby from scratch!"
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I called my daughter long-distance just to say hello. She had had a particularly rough day with her two boys, then aged nine months and three years. When I asked her how she was, she replied wearily, "I don't know, Mom. I keep hoping I'm just the baby- sitter and that their parents will come home soon."
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After our two sons had showered and gone to bed, my wife went into the bathroom to tidy it up. She came out shaking her head. "I just don't understand it!" she complained. "The boys can throw a basketball through a little hoop all day, but they can't hit the laundry hamper with their dirty clothes." A protesting voice was heard from our sons' bedroom. "Mom, did you ever try to dribble a pair of socks?"
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A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm. As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asks, "Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"

To which he replies, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."
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I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked "Electronic cat and dog caller-- guaranteed to work."

I looked inside and was amused to see an electric can opener.
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Benny worked in the garment district. He worked hard. Very hard. He was routinely putting in fifty and sixty-hour weeks, but at a rate barely above minimum wage, survival in the city was tough.

One day he chucked it all and moved to Colorado. He took a simple job and spent all his time hiking the mountains and learning the terrain.

Eventually he learned enough local geography to earn his Guide's license 
and he began to prosper. Another racks-to-ridges story.
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For a number of years I worked with my Aunt Grace in the local library. Part of my responsibility was to care for the plants, but Aunt Grace was forever over watering them, or trimming them unnecessarily. One evening I was telling my husband about Aunt Grace's disastrous attentions when our daughter walked in. "What's annoying Mother?" she asked. "I think you could say," replied my husband, "that she has aunts in her plants."
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In the manner of all new mothers, I spent a lot of time inspecting my firstborn, and I reveled in his delicate perfection. When he was almost a month old, I noticed a curious dimple on his bottom. With each diaper change and bath I became more concerned. What if the boys in the locker room found it funny and teased him about it; or, even worse, what if some future spouse thought it to be strange? One evening I approached my husband, naked babe in arms. "Look at this," I cried, waving the small bottom about. "Do you think it'll' embarrass him when he grows up? Do you think it's strange?" My husband listened patiently to my outburst, then said, "No, I don't think it is strange, dear. I've always thought that it was pretty cute on you!"
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When my daughter Caroline asked me if I would baby-sit for her six- month-old identical twins, I was hesitant. "How am I going to tell April from Stacey?" I asked. Caroline was busy getting ready to leave the house. "Just ask Rick," she said, nodding at her four- year-old, who was engrossed in a cartoon show on TV. "He knows." Confidently, I undressed the twins and put them in the bath. When I was ready to dress them, I called to Rick. "Which one is which?" "That's easy," he yelled back, eyes still riveted on Bugs Bunny. "April always wears blue."
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Cool things about having a beer belly:

You're less likely to be pestered by annoying sorority girls.

It doubles as a convenient TV tray for nachos and beer.

It's a great way to meet cute female cardiologists.

Extra gravity makes it that much less likely you'll ever be thrown free of the earth into deep space.

Your bellybutton can store up to eight quarters for the parking meter.
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FIRST DEGREE 

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. 

The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, 

"How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. 

The husband said, "Who was that?" 

The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear." 

SECOND DEGREE 

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." 

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"  So the first blonde hands her the compact. 

The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!" 

THIRD DEGREE 

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry.  She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. 

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" 

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!" 

FOURTH DEGREE 

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead and ask me, I know all of them." 

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" 

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W. 

FIFTH DEGREE 

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? 

Is it mine?" 

SIXTH DEGREE 

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. 

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware." 

SEVENTH DEGREE 

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. 

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. 

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?  They send me a BLIND policeman."
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With the 4th of July coming up, can you pass the test to become a US
Citizen? Here is an excerpt from the test for citizenship---to test your
citizenship worthiness. Good luck! The answers are listed at the end of
the email .....

1. What do the stripes on the flag mean?
a) They represent the 13 original colonies
b) They represent each of the people who signed the Declaration of
Independence
c) They represent the battles fought for United States independence

2. How many changes or amendments are there to the Constitution?
a) 23
b) 19
c) 27

3. What are the three branches of our government?
a) Legislative, executive, and judicial
b) Legislative, parliamentary, judicial
c) Executive, legislative, parliamentary

4. What did the Emancipation Proclamation do?
a) It ordered that Pilgrims be freed from British oppression
b) It ordered that slaves in rebel territory be freed
c) It allowed citizens of the United States to claim land

5. Who becomes president of the United States if the president and the
vice president should die?
a) The secretary of state
b) The attorney general
c) The Speaker of the House of Representatives

6. Which countries were our principal allies during World War II?
a) United Kingdom, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Russia, Italy, France
b) United Kingdom, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Italy, China, France
c) United Kingdom, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Russia, China, France

7. What is the 49th state of the Union (United States)?
a) Alaska
b) Hawaii
c) New Mexico

8. How many Supreme Court justices are there?
a) 9
b) 12
c) 13

9. What is the national anthem of the United States?
a) "America the Beautiful"
b) "This Land is Your Land"
c) "The Star-Spangled Banner"

10. In what year was the Constitution written?
a) 1776
b) 1771
c) 1787

11. What is the name of the ship that brought the Pilgrims to America?
a) Constitution
b) Mayflower

c) Titanic
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IF THERE WERE COMPUTERS IN 1776
Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen, the summer grows hot,
and it is essential that we complete this
declaration of independence.
Mr. Franklin: Wait a minute, Thomas. I have to
reboot here.
Mr. Jefferson: That's all right, Ben. We'll go
on without you. Has everyone had a chance to look
at the draft I posted yesterday?
Mr. Sherman: Not yet, Thomas, I've been having
Notes replication problems.
Mr. Adams: Here, Roger, I brought a hard copy.
Mr. Sherman: Thanks. Saaaaay, nice font.
Mr. Adams: Do you like it? I downloaded it off
Colonies Online just last week.
Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen! There is work to be
done. I fear our document will soon leak out.
Mr. Livingston: Too late, Thomas. There's
already a bootleg circulating. I saw it posted on alt.georgeIII.stinks
last night.
Mr. Franklin: @#$$%^$# General Protection
Fault!
Mr. Adams: Ben, you might try upgrading to
Windows 75. It solved that problem for me.
Mr. Sherman: Thomas, the part here about the
Acts of Pretended Legislation; have you
considered using bullets to air out the text?
Mr. Jefferson: I can fix that easily enough.
Drat! I've spilled candle wax on my keyboard
again.
Mr. Adams: You know, Thomas, that wouldn't
happen if you'd buy an active-matrix screen.
Mr. Franklin: Hard-disk failure?!? Aw, criminy!
Mr. Livingston: Are you sure it's "unalienable
rights"? My spell checker recommends
"unassailable".
Mr. Jefferson: Can we stick to the substance
of the document, please? Shoot. Low battery.
Anyone got a spare power cable?
Mr. Sherman: What have you got, a Toshiba? No,
mine isn't compatible.
Mr. Franklin: Hello, PCs Philadelphia? What
does it mean when the floppy drive buzzes? OK,
I'll hold.....
Mr. Livingston: The "In Congress" part here at
the top; have you thought about blowing that up
really big and maybe centering it in 72 point
Helvetica?
Mr. Jefferson: Not a bad idea. Aw, nuts! Word
macro virus! I can't save the file.
Mr. Franklin: That's all right, Thomas. We can
manage. Here, borrow my quill pen....
Author Unknown

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Answer Key: 1) a, 2) c, 3) a, 4) b, 5) c, 6) c, 7) a, 8) a, 9) c, 10) c,
11) b
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An airline stewardess was giving the standard safety briefing to the
passengers. She had just finished saying 'In the event of a water
landing, your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device,' when a
man remarked, "Hey! If the plane can't fly, why should I believe the
seat can float?"
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There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was covered
with bandages from head to toe. I said to him, "What do you do for a
living?" He said, "I'm a former window washer." I asked, "When did you
give it up?" He replied, "Halfway down."
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A diet is when you have to go to some length to change your width. You
are drunk when you feel sophisticated but you are not able to pronounce
it. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
vegetarian. A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave
him a huge stack of old bills. Funny, I don't remember being absent
minded.