****JOKE TIME****
Doctors are used to getting calls at any hour. One night a man phoned his doctor, waking him up. "I'm really sorry to bother you so late," he said, "but I think my wife has appendicitis."

Still half asleep, the doctor reminded him that he had removed his wife's inflamed appendix a couple of years before. "Whoever heard of a second appendix?" the doctor asked.

"You may not have heard of a second appendix, doc," the man replied, "but surely you've heard of a second wife."

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The American Dream

Only in America. . .can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance...

Only in America. . .are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink...

Only in America. . .do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to
the back of the store to get their prescriptions.

Only in America. . .do people order double cheese burgers, a large
fry, and a diet coke. . .

Only in America. . .do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters. . .

Only in America. . .do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and leave useless junk in the garage. . .

Only in America. . .do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't
want to talk to in the first place. . .

Only in America. . .do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight. . .

Only in America. . .do we use the word "politics" to describe the
process so well, "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning
"blood-sucking creatures". . .

Only in America do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering!
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Romance Tips

Kids say the darndest things.
Here are some tips from kids on subjects of romance.

HOW DOES A PERSON DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means
you try the next one." Kally, age 9

"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep
the chips and dip coming." Allan, age 10

"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
marry. God decides it all way before, and you got to find out later
who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10

WHAT'S THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
then!" Cam, age 10

"No age is good to get married at.... You got to be a fool to get
married!" Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."
Eddie, age 6

"You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at
the same kids." Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

"Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long
enough." Lynnette, age 8

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE?

"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead
columns." Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"When they're rich!" Pam, age 7

"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess
with that." Curt, age 7

"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them and have kids with them.... It's the right thing to do."
Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing: I'm never
going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed
out!" Theodore, age 8

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
somebody to clean up after them!" Anita, age 9

"Single is better ... for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to
change no diapers... Of course, if I did get married, I'd figure
something out. I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for
some coffee and diaper-changing." Kirsten, age 10

WHAT ADVICE DO YOU HAVE FOR A YOUNG COUPLE
ABOUT TO BE MARRIED?

"The first thing I'd say to them is: 'Listen up, youngins... I got
something to say to you. Why in the heck do you wanna get married,
anyway?'" Craig, age 9

WHAT PROMISES DO A MAN AND A WOMAN MAKE
WHEN THEY GET MARRIED?

"A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and
diseases together." Marlon, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU SUGGEST TO MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK

"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a
truck!" Ricky, age 7

"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy
clothes.... Especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few
diamonds on it." Lori, age 8

ABOUT GETTING MARRIED FOR A SECOND TIME

"Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than one to
find a live one." Angie L., age 10

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE
DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"
Kelvin, age 8

"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us
just the same as they do now!" Roberta, age 7
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After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments,
young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage
was to try counseling. They had been at each others throats for some
time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped
right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the
problem?"

Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to
say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles and hour
describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 - - 10 - -
15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her,
picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several
minutes and sat her back down.

Afterwards, the wife sat there - speechless. He looked over at the
husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The
counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice
a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on
Tuesdays and Thursdays.
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"Bread is Dangerous

Important Warning for those who have been drawn unsuspectingly into
the use of bread:

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming
households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in
the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years;
infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died
in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever,
and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within
24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been
proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to
suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than
that in one month!

6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low
incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and
osteoporosis.

7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of
bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as
little as two days.

8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to
"harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even
cold cuts.

9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is
more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could
lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food
product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit!
That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish
between significant scientific fact and meaningless
statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following
bread restrictions:

1. No sale of bread to minors.

2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity
TV spots and bumper stickers.

3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the
societal ills we might associate with bread.

4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may
appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.

5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

Note: This joke was meant is to have fun at the expense of those
who quote statistics - often aimlessly and without telling the whole
story. In no way is it to imply that we agree with the use of
drugs, tobacco or alcohol for minors or anyone else for that matter.
Drug use leads to one place - no where - fast.
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Holiday Stress Diet

The following diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that
builds up during the holidays.

Breakfast:

1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk

Lunch:
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon snack:
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream nuts, cherries and whipped cream 1
jar hot fudge sauce

Dinner:
2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars

Late Evening News:
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

RULES FOR THIS DIET:

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no
calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the
candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do
not eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot
chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look
thinner.

6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they
are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's
personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior
Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes
calorie leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are
in the process of preparing something.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories.
Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and
mashed potatoes.

10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any
other food color.

11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This due to
gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories
since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and
will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like
to cling!)

REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS
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A priest wanted to convince a prostitute to turn respectable. So he met with her one day and began slowly warming up to her.

"Oh, my child," he said, "your dress is most lovely."

"Thank you, Father," she replied.

The radio was playing and they danced a little as they talked.

"Oh, my child," said the priest, "your conversation is most lovely."

"Thank you, Father," said the prostitute.

Finally, the priest sat her down and said, "Oh, my child, there is one thing I have against you."

And the prostitute said, "Yes, I know, Father. I felt it while we were dancing."
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"Half Dollar"

The casinos wiped him out completely. Except for a single 1975
half-dollar, he was as broke as the day he was born. Walking toward
the highway, he kept tossing his coin in the air. His attention
was diverted by an approaching car for a brief moment, just long
enough for him to let the coin slip through his fingers. It rolled
toward a grating in the street. He ran to retrieve it. An
oncoming city bus hit him and sent him to the hospital for six
months. Rather than risk an expensive court case, the city's
insurance company settled for a large amount of money on the
poor victim.

Taking the money he'd received, he went through the casinos again.
Again he lost every penny. Starting back to the highway, he passed
the grating and looked down to see if his coin was still down there.
Again he was hit, this time by a taxi. This hospital stay was
longer and more painful than the first. But the settlement was
also larger.

Once more he tested the gaming tables. Once more he lost. Once
more, as he walked to the highway, he looked down for his
half-dollar. Once more he was hit by a vehicle.

In the hospital, he lay helpless, every inch of his body in
traction.
A visitor asked, "How could any man get hit three times
in the same place?
What made you keep going back to that grating?"

The man answered, "That half-dollar was my good-luck charm.
I didn't want to lose it!"
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A 54 year old mathmetician left his wife a note that said, "When you get this
message, I'll be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old secretary."
The wife faxed him at the hotel with the following message, "When you get this
your 54 year old wife will be at home with an 18 year old boy toy. Being a
mathmetician you know that 18 will go into 54 a whole lot more than 54 will go
into 18."
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The Class of 2006
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.
Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try
to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that year's incoming freshmen.
1. The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in
1982.
2. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not
know he
had ever been shot.
3. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
4. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
5. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold
War.
6. They have never feared a nuclear war.
7. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
8. Tianamen Square means nothing to them.
9. Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
10. Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
11. Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums. The expression you sound like a
broken
record means nothing to them.
12. They have never owned a record player.
13. They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.
14. They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact Disc was introduced
when they
were 1 year old.
15. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 33 cents.
16. They have always had an answering machine.
17. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a
black-and-white

TV.
18. They have always had cable.
19. There has always been VCR's, and VHS but they have no idea what BETA is.
20. They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
21. They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
22. Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.
23. Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
24. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
25. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
26. They have never seen Larry Bird play.
27. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
28. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII and the Civil
War.
29. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
30. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
31. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
32. They never heard: " Where's the beef?"," I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or
"de plane,
de plane".
33. They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.
34. The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew where it was.
35. Michael Jackson has always been white.
36. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups.
37. McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers.
38. There has always been MTV.
39. They don't have a clue how to use a manual typewriter.
40. Do you feel old yet? pass this on to the other old fogies in your life.
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Fred - The Ole Fritzbear

Every morning during our coffee break, my co-workers and I listened to the
culinary disasters of a newlywed colleague.

We then tried to share some helpful hints and recipes.

One day she asked us for step-by-step instructions on cooking sweet
potatoes, one of her husband's favorites. "I've finally been able to make
them sweet," she said, "but how do you make them orange?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As the lone female in the house, the wife found that certain male habits
have really begun to get on her nerves.

One day, she emerged from the bathroom completely exasperated when she
bumped into her husband.

"What is it with guys that they won't replace the toilet paper?!" she raged.

"I know," he said, nodding in agreement. "I noticed that when I was in there
earlier."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter "R" and all
the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it.

To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home:
"Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare." In
class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite the sentence out
loud.

The boy nervously eyed his classmates - many of them already laughing at
him - then replied, "Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny
wasn't cooked enough."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The reason there are two senators for each state is so that  
one can be designated driver." --Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   "It's spring time and that means prom season. Prom brings back  
so many horrible memories for me. I had to take my cousin to  
the prom. I don't know who was more embarrassed – him or me."  
 --Dave Letterman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"In a new interview, Uma Thurman says that when she wants to  
lose weight, she keeps her food intake down by eating in the  
nude.  Actually, I tried that once, but I was kicked out of  
Denny's." --Conan O'Brien   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One night at about 3am my wife was getting up from the  
toilet to return to bed when she heard a little noise. It  
was a suspiciously rodent like sound that seemed to be  
right in the bathroom with her.  

She, of course, froze and listened attentively for any  
further sign of invaders. After a moment, satisfied that  
she was alone, she took a step for the door. Rodent  
scratchy sounds again! She froze, not breathing. Silence.  
Her heart beat fast as she once again tried to retreat  
from the bathroom.  

This time the noise was accompanied by something touching  
the back of her leg! That was too much to bear. She  
literally flew the 8 feet to the bed, clearing the foot  
board by a couple feet, to land screaming by my side.  

The culprit was right there in plain sight, a trail of  
toilet paper neatly marked the path from bed to the bath-  
room. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was complaining the other day to a friend about the knot in  
my tie. "These four-in-hands with their tiny knots are so un-  
stylish," I complained. He asked, "Do you know how to do a  
Windsor knot?" I replied, "It doesn't matter if you Windsor  
knot, it's how you play the game!