The best thing about moving back to my hometown was seeing so many familiar faces. One day, in the grocery store, I recognized a man who had been a good friend of my parents. He noticed me staring, so I quickly introduced myself as Jim and Heather's daughter. "Heather's daughter!" he exclaimed. "Oh, such a beautiful lady." He called to his wife, "Marion, come and see Heather's daughter. You remember Heather - such a beautiful lady."

"Oh yes," Marion replied. "She was always so pretty."

After raving on about my mother, he turned to me and said, "You look like your father."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My grandmother, a feisty 82 and living alone in a small Missouri town, had a total hip replacement and was housebound. Our family, not being nearby, was concerned about her welfare and called Meals on Wheels. My aunt let the service know of Grandmother's aversion to being thought helpless, so would they bring up the idea tactfully?

The next day a volunteer phoned Grandmother and cheerfully explained that Meals on Wheels is a service which relies on volunteers to help the elderly and the ill. Would she be interested in it?

There was a reflective pause, "Well, sure," my grandmother said. "If you can't find anyone else to get food to the old people, I guess I can."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My sister and brother-in-law took their children to a matinee at the vintage movie theatre in their small town. The projector tends to flicker and jump, and to the amusement of the audience, when that happened on this occasion, their six-year-old son complained loudly, "Dad's got the remote again!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A Southern soldier was trying to sidle out of camp unnoticed, but was seen by the guard. The guard asked him for his pass. The soldier said, "Look, buddy, I don't have any old pass, but that don't bother me none. I have a date with my girl in town. I'm fixing to keep it. The guard stopped him. "If you try to get past this gate, I'm afraid I might have to shoot you." The soldier shrugged his shoulders and replied, "I've got a mother up in heaven, a daddy down in hell, and a gal in town. And I'm going to see one of them tonight!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"There were over three thousand dogs at the Westminster Kennel Club show, but security had to be doubled when they received this threatening phone call: "Meow, meow, meow, meow."~Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At age 73 Granddad went to the hospital for the first time. "What is this?" he asked as he held up the bell cord they had fastened to his pillow.

"That's the bell, Granddad," I replied.

He pulled it several times, then remarked, "I don't hear it ringing."

"Oh, it doesn't ring," I explained, "It turns on a light in the hall for the nurse."

"Well!" he replied indignantly, "if the nurse wants a light on in the hall, she can turn it on herself!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes,size 8. The obviously well trained salesman says, "But sir, you take an 11 or eleven-and-a-half."

"Just bring me a size eight."

The sales guy brings them and the man stuffs his feet into them and stands up in obvious pain. He turns to the salesman and says, "I've lost my house to the I.R.S., I live with my mother-in- law, my daughter ran off with my best friend, and my business has filed Chapter 7. The only pleasure I have left is to come home at night and take my shoes off."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Inmates from the maximum-security penitentiary were sometimes treated at the dental office where I worked. One morning I hadn't yet seen the list of patients and the work to be done on them before a convict, handcuffed and shackled, came in with his guard. My curiosity as to why he was serving time got the better of me, and I whispered to the receptionist, "What's he in for?" "Root canal," she whispered back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A church was looking for a new minister, and the selection committee finally recommended a young man just out of the seminary. Many older church members protested that a more experienced man would have been preferable.

Committee members retaliated with the argument that a younger minister might breathe fresh life into the congregation. At the end of the meeting, I commented to an older man that this marked the beginning of better things for our church.

"Yes," he said with a wry smile. "Moving on to greener pastors."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Manhattan Commuter train was packed. Suddenly there was a jingle on the floor. Most necks were craned. One elderly gentleman, however, bent down and picked something up. He then asked, "Did anyone drop a half dollar?"

"I did," answered three men at once.

"Well," said the elderly gent with a smile, "here's a dime of it." 

From Martie

Live For Today

Have you ever wished, when a day went wrong
a wish that's quite in vain
that it were only possible
to live that day again

You'd start out in the morning
with the prayers you should have said
and through the days your actions
with tolerance be led

The many little instances
that tried your patience, true
if only you could start again
you'd know now what to do

You'd kneel and say your evening prayers
and thank the lord above
for all the pleasant hours past
your heart at peace with love

"SWEET AND SOUR PORK"

My niece is so happily married. She's got a husband who's scared to death of her.