YOUR TOP TEN

The top 10 Country singles:  
  
1. Brad Paisley - The World  
2. Kenny Chesney - Summertime  
3. Carrie Underwood - Don't Forget To Remember Me  
4. Toby Keith - A Little Too Late  
5. Rodney Atkins - If You're Going Through Hell (Before The  
Devil Even Knows)  
6. Phil Vassar - Last Day Of My Life  
7. Gary Allan - Life Ain't Always Beautiful  
8. Rascal Flatts - Me And My Gang  
9. Tim McGraw - When The Stars Go Blue  
10. Little Big Town - Bring It On Home  


The top 10 Country albums:  
  
1. Johnny Cash American V: A Hundred Highways  
2. Dixie Chicks - Taking The Long Way  
3. Rascal Flatts - Me And My Gang  
4. Carrie Underwood - Some Hearts  
5. Tim McGraw - Greatest Hits Vol 2: Reflected  
6. Toby Keith - White Trash With Money  
7. Hank Williams Jr. - That's How They Do It In Dixie: The  
Essential Collection  
8. Johnny Cash - The Legend Of Johnny Cash  
9. The Wreckers - Stand Still, Look Pretty  
10. Josh Turner - Your Man  



The top 10 Christian singles:  

1. MercyMe - So Long Self  
2. Casting Crowns - Praise You In This Storm  
3. Aaron Shust - My Savior, My God  
4. Third Day - Mountain Of God  
5. Mark Harris - Find Your Wings  
6. Kutless - Strong Tower  
7. Brian Littrell - Welcome Home  
8. Chris Tomlin - How Great Is Our God  
9. Selah - Bless The Broken Road  
10. Matthew West - Only Grace 


Top 10 DVD sales:  
  
1. Failure To Launch -- Paramount Home Entertainment  
2. Tyler Perry's Madea's Family Reunion -- Lions Gate Home  
Entertainment  
3. Eight Below -- Walt Disney Home Entertainment  
4. The Tyler Perry Collection: Madea Goes To Jail -- Lions  
Gate Home Entertainment  
5. Ultraviolet -- Sony Pictures Home Entertainment  
6. Annapolis -- Touchstone Home Video  
7. The Tyler Perry Collection: Why Did I Get Married? --  
Lions Gate Home Entertainment  
8. The Hills Have Eyes -- 20th Century Fox  
9. Syriana -- Warner Home Video  
10. Leroy & Stitch -- Walt Disney Home Entertainment  


Top 10 singles:  

1. Nelly Furtado Featuring Timbaland - Promiscuous  
2. Gnarls Barkley - Crazy  
3. Cassie - Me & You  
4. Shakira Featuring Wyclef Jean - Hips Don't Lie  
5. Yung Joc - It's Goin' Down  
6. Rihanna - Unfaithful  
7. Christina Aguilera - Ain't No Other Man  
8. Lil Jon Featuring E-40 & Sean Paul Of The YoungBloodZ -  
Snap Yo Fingers  
9. Chamillionaire Featuring Krayzie Bone - Ridin'  
10. The Fray - Over My Head (Cable Car)  


Top 10 albums:  
  
1. Johnny Cash - American V: A Hundred Highways  
2. Nelly Furtado - Loose  
3. India.Arie - Testimony: Vol. 1, Life & Relationship  
4. Dixie Chicks - Taking The Long Way  
5. Gnarls Barkley - St. Elsewhere  
6. Rihanna - A Girl Like Me  
7. Rascal Flatts - Me And My Gang  
8. Soundtrack - High School Musical  
9. Dashboard Confessional - Dusk And Summer  
10. Rise Against - The Sufferer & The Witness 

The top 10 Mainstream Rock tracks:  
  
1. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Dani California  
3. Three Days Grace - Animal I Have Become  
2. Tool - Vicarious  
4. Buckcherry - Crazy B!tch  
5. Korn - Coming Undone1. Artist - Song  
6. Stone Sour - Through Glass  
7. Breaking Benjamin - The Diary Of Jane  
8. Hinder - Lips Of An Angel  
9. Wolfmother - Woman  
10. Godsmack - Speak   

****JOKE TIME****

A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
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TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
SUBJECT: SICK LEAVE POLICY

SICKNESS:
No excuse...We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.


AN OPERATION:
We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.


DEATH:
Other than your own:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.

Your own:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.


ALSO:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00-8:15, and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again.

We appreciate your cooperation,
THE MANAGEMENT
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A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."

The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,

"How are you doing? Are you happy here?"

The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"
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An elderly couple were having dinner at another couple's house and after their meal, the wives left the table to go to the kitchen.

The two elderly gents were talking, and one says: "Last night we went out to a fabulous new restaurant .I'd highly recommend."

The other man says: "What's the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying: "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"

His friend replies: "A carnation?" "No, no. The other one," the man says.

His friend suggest "The poppy?"

"No, no, no" growls the man.

"You know - the one that is red and has thorns."

His friend says: "Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells: "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
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An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might
be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.

Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."
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An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood . They we're celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and decided to walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they 'd shared and where he had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car and lands practically at their feet. Sally quickly picks it up and decides to take it home until they decide what to do with it. There, she counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars.

The husband says, "We've got to give it back."

She says, "finders keepers" and puts the money back in the bag and hides it
up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find or know about some money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

She says, "No."

The husband quickly interjects, "She's lying!! She hid it up in the attic."

She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

However, the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. "Sir, please tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."

The FBI agents immediately look at each other and say, "Let's get out of here!!"
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One night at about 3am my wife was getting up from the toilet to return to bed when she heard a little noise. It was a suspiciously rodent like sound that seemed to be right in the bathroom with her.

She of course froze and listened attentively for any further sign of invaders. After a moment, satisfied that she was alone, she took a step for the door. Rodent scratchy sounds again!

She froze, not breathing. Silence. Her heart beat fast as she once again tried to retreat from the bathroom.

This time the noise was accompanied by something touching the back of her leg! That was, of course, too much to bear. She literally flew the 8 feet to the bed, clearing the foot board by a couple feet, to land screaming by my side.

This is not a pleasant way to wake up. Scrambling into consciousness, now scared half to death myself, I managed to get the light on.

The culprit was right there in plain sight, a trail of toilet paper neatly marked
the path from bed to the bathroom.
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Three friends were stranded on a desert island. After several weeks with no food and no drinking water, they were beginning to lose heart.

Suddenly, a bottle floated into the shore and a beautiful genie popped out. She said "I have three wishes to grant. Each of you gentleman can make one wish come true."

Friend number one got excited. He said "I wish I was in Las Vegas with dice in one hand and a drink in the other, surrounded by music, food, and beautiful women." Instantly he was gone, his wish granted.

Friend number two smiled and said, "I wish I was back home right now with my wonderful wife and our two small children, at our log cabin in the woods sitting in front of the fire and singing Christmas carols together." Just like that, he disappeared.

The genie asked the remaining man, "And what do you wish for?"

He answered, "Gee, I wish I had my buddies back to help me decide..."
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A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."
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Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.

When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "uh-oh," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."
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A man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when
his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour." "Perfect," she replies. The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife? She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half." The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks. The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?" "Yes" the man replied. "Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor. The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."
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Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
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A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?".

The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."

The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"

The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied,
down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
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A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.
Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, so?" said the officer.

"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?"

  Printable Version
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A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
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Preparing for a garage sale at our house, my wife and I decided to put out a mirror we'd received as a wedding gift. Because of its garish aqua colored metal frame we just couldn't find a room in our house where it looked good. Shortly after the garage sale started, a man looking to decorate his apartment bought it for one dollar.

"This is a great deal," he said excitedly." It still has the plastic on it."

Then he peeled off the aqua colored protective covering to reveal a beautiful gold finished frame.
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One day, Uncle Jim got fired from his construction job. His nephew asked
him what happened.

You know what a foreman is?" Uncle Jim asked.

"The one who stands around and watches the other men work, what's that got to do with it?" the nephew inquired.

Well, he just got jealous of me," Uncle Jim explained. "Everyone thought I was the foreman."
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A guy is working on a steep roof and starts to slide down out of control.

"Help me God," he cries.

A large nail catches on his overalls and stops his decent.

"Never mind God, a nails got me," he sighs with relief.
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An old timer is looking at tools at the local building supply store. He picks up a hammer.

"Don't make these like they used to," he tells the salesman. "I've had the same one for over fifty years, just had to replace the handle six times and the head twice."
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Jake got a job at an apartment complex. After three days the superintendent called him into his office.

"How could you even apply for this job?" he said. "You have bungled every repair that I've asked you to do."

"Well your sign said 'Handyman Wanted'. I'm handy, I live around the corner."
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This morning three old citizens were standing on the street discussing the weather and the prolonged drought, when one of them remarked, "Did you ever see such a long dry spell in your life?" "Yes," replied the jovial Col. E. von Seutter, "I remember a dry spell that lasted two years." "Why, when was that," asked his two companions. "Two years ago when we had Prohibition," responded the Colonel
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While leading a tour of kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an x-ray technician.

"Have you ever broken a bone?" he asked.

"Yes," the girl replied.

"Did it hurt?"

"No."

"Really? Which bone did you break?"

"My sister's arm."
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