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NEWS (Hottest Late-Breaking News)
September 22, 2006
REALITY TV COOKING SHOW CONTESTANT DISQUALIFIED IN JHERI CURL ACTIVATOR SABOTAGE PLOT!
Chicago, IL---In a bizarre twist of events, 29 year old Juice Newton was disqualified from the hit reality tv show, Top Fast Food Chef for adding a forbidden special ingredient to all of the fast food dishes that he prepared. "In direct violation of The Fast Food Code of Ethics, Newton added heaping teaspoons of Jheri Curl Activator to all of his recipes which gave him an unfair advantage over the other contestants." said Chef Leopold Screwy, owner of Screwy's Chewy Burgers and Spuds. The restaurant where the competition is being held. Screwy is also one of the judges of the hit reality tv show competition.
For those of you out there who don't know what Jheri Curl Activator is
here's the low-down. The Jheri Curl was a popular hairstyle in the 1980's worn by African Americans. By the early 1990's the hairstyle had quickly vanished due to fact that it was extremely greasy, ultra-flammable, made a jheri curl wearer the laughingstock of the neighborhood and ruined countless amounts of clothing & furniture. The hairstyle required a person to apply two things to the hair. Jheri Curl Activator and Moisturizer. These two products kept the hair looking glossy and provided moisture. Unfortunately it also turned the hair into an oil slick which is why nobody wears it anymore. The irony of this product is that it was invented by Jheri Redding, a White man. (Anyhoo, back to the article.)
"What Juice Newton did was horrible, disgusting and unforgivable. I mean, it's right up there with Barry Bonds taking steroids! By putting Jheri Curl Activator in the fast food that he prepared virtually guaranteed that he'd be the winner of the Top Fast Food Chef competition because it made the food glide smoothly down the throat at record speed so that the judges didn't get a chance to actually taste the food." Screwy said angrily while he stirred his world famous corn dog batter.
"The judges couldn't make any kind of decision on Newton's food so in accordance with The Fast Food Code of Ethics the judges had to give Newton the benefit of the doubt that his food was excellent which allowed him to win every challenge." Screwy said while adding corn syrup to his world famous corn dog batter.
"And the sad thing is that he would have gotten away with it if it hadn't been for the accident." said Screwy while dipping his finger into his world famous corn dog batter.
Chef Screwy is referring to the accident that happened on September 21st. During the last challenge, Juice Newton was sneaking a teaspoon of Jheri Curl Activator into the Chili that he had made which was later to be poured over some hotdogs when Newton accidentally spilled three drops of the Jheri Curl Activator on the floor. Unaware of this, Newton slipped on it and skidded about eight feet across the floor before landing head first into another contestant's barbeque grill where she was barbequeing some hot wings. Normally Newton would have sustained minor injuries but unfortunately Newton chose to wear the Jheri Curl Activator in his hair which is a rare thing for a White man to do so Newton suffered third degree burns to his head and face. He is reportedly resting comfortably at St.
IDon'tBelieveThisB.S. Hospital.
"Everyone involved in the competition are glad that Newton will recover from all of the injuries he sustained in the accident in a few years. Our hearts and prayers go out to Newton and his family. We wouldn't wish that kind of pain on anyone but if Newton had played by the rules none of this would have happened. It just goes to show you that cheaters never win!" said Chef Screwy while pouring a large heaping teaspoon of Jheri Curl Activator into his world famous corn dog batter.
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FEATURE (Special Article, Story, Poem, Song, Etc.)
2008 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION GIFT GUIDE
"Ten Hottest Republican & Democratic Gifts for the 2008 Election Season!"
GIFTS FOR DEMOCRATS
The GEORGE W. BUSH ANSWERING MACHINE - $40.00
(This gift item needs a drawing to accompany the text.)
Standard Features Include:
-60 minutes of Recording Time
-Caller Id
-Time/Day Stamp
-LED Light which Displays Messages
-Voice Mailbox
-Fast Forward & Rewind Buttons
-Battery Backup
Unique Features Include:
-A picture of George W. Bush crying appears in the lower right-hand corner of the answering machine whenever a person leaves a voice message.
-The personalized voice greeting has a pathetic George W. Bush crying loudly in the background while the Democratic Children's Choir chants, "Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! George Bush can't run for president again! He served the maximum two terms, there's no way he can ever win again! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! And by the way, leave your name, phone number and a brief message after the beep."
THE RUSH LIMBAUGH PILL SPLITTER - $8.00
(This gift item needs a drawing to accompany the text.)
Guaranteed to split even the most loud and obnoxious pills, tablets or capsules.
WARNING: This pill splitter doesn't work on Oxycontin pills.
(A little ironic and hypocritical don't you think!)
Standard Features Include:
-Stainless steel blade
-Non-slip cutting surface called Pill Grip
-Dishwasher safe design
-Multiple compartments for eating humble pie
THE MARION BARRY SUPER SUCTION VACUUM CLEANER WITH SECRET COMPARTMENTS - $575.00
(This gift item needs a drawing to accompany the text.)
This is the creme de la creme of vacuums. It virtually sucks up everything in a 3 mile radius. Dirt, dust, prostitutes and crack cocaine are no match for this powerhouse. Works on all surfaces. Excellent for hotels used in sting operations.
Features:
-Black Color
-Roller Brush Agitator
-Extra Long Cord for Career Suicide
-Detachable Hose
-Upholstery Brush
-Corner Cleaner
-6 Month Prison Term Warranty
Special Features:
-"Bitch Set Me Up" Secret Compartment has the ability to hold a wide variety of complaints about Rasheeda Moore, Barry's former girlfriend.
-FBI Sting Operation Videocassette Recorder Secret Compartment produces high-quality, damaging and indictable photographs.
G.O.P. SMOKE DETECTOR WITH B.S. ALERT SIGNAL - $60.00
(This gift item needs a drawing to accompany the text.)
Standard Features Include:
-Lightweight Design
-Extra Loud Volume Control
-Remote Controlled Alarm Silence and Test
-Intelligent Sensing which distinguishes between non-threatening conditions and real emergencies
-Automatic Daily Self-Check Test
Unique Feature(s) Include:
-Built-in B.S. Alert Signal has the ability to detect when a Republican is blowing smoke up a Democrat's ass. Produces a red ray of light on the offending Republican which can only be seen by a Democrat. The B.S. Alert Signal is activated when a Republican is lying through his teeth, smoking marijuana or talking about Dick Cheney. This item is a hot seller at private country clubs around the U.S.A.
THE JFK LOST EARRING LOCATOR - $29.99
(This gift item needs a drawing to accompany the text.)
Perfect gift for the bed-hopping democrat!
The JFK Lost Earring Locator instantly locates a democrat's mistresses lost earring in any bed. Air, four-poster, canopy, bunk bed, etc. You name it and the JFK Lost Earring Locator will find it! This earring locator has the unique ability to locate a democrat's mistresses earring before the maid or pissed-off wife finds it and goes to the National Inquirer with it.
Features:
-Bright Flashing Light makes it easy to find earring in the dark
-Soft whisper sound can only be heard by other bed-hopping democrats so there is absolutely no chance of a Republican finding out and squealing on you
-Hand-held remote control design is compact and durable
-Responds to distances of 1 million miles (Perfect for those bed-hopping democrats who want to take their mistresses on a vacation to a foreign country.)
GIFTS FOR REPUBLICANS
THE HOWARD DEAN CORNCOB-SHAPED BULLHORN WITH VOLUME CONTROL - $77.00
(This gift item needs a drawing to accompany the text.)
The perfect sabotage gift!
Republicans, give this bullhorn to any Democrat and watch his or her career go directly down the toilet! This bullhorn has the unique ability to kill a Democrat's career in a single shout! Encourage Democrats to use this bullhorn at libraries, day care centers or churches where it is totally inappropriate to be shouting like a damn fool!
Features Include:
-1000 Yard range
-26 Watts
-Handheld & Compact
-16 AA Batteries (Included)
-Powerful Siren & Wrist Strap
-Adjustable Volume Switches include "Idiot-Loud", "Lunatic-Loud" or the most powerful volume switch of all, "We're going to New Hampshire, Oklahoma, South Carolina then to Washington D.C. to take back the White House Yeeeeeaaaaaaaahhhhh-Loud!"
NOTE: A third of the profits made from the sale of this item will go to the Iowa Deaf
& Dazed Association, unofficial sponsor of Howard Dean's 2004 Presidential Hush Money Campaign.
THE GREEN PARTY TEA SERVICE SET -$284.00
(This gift item needs a drawing to accompany the text.)
Set Includes:
-12 inch handweaved teapot
-12 hemp cups
-12 dandelion & lemon grass saucers
- 1 soy milk creamer bowl
- 1 honey-glazed sugar bowl
-12 biodegradable napkins
-12 pounds of herbal green tea
Show that stressed-out and filthy-rich oil executive that you really care. Surprise the hell out of him and give him The Green Party Tea Service Set today. Happily imagine him sipping on a nice warm cup of herbal green tea while looking out of his 31st floor executive office at a huge oil pump bring up millions of barrels of black gold, texas tea. Ahh, how soothing! The teapot effortlessly brews up to 100 cups of herbal green tea an hour making it the perfect Christmas party gift for executives at Chevron-Texaco, Exxon-Mobil or Conoco-Phillips.
THE LITTLE RED ELEPHANT RIDING HOODIE - $32.00
(This gift item needs a drawing to accompany the text.)
Who says a Republican can't be down with the homies?
Well yes he can!
Republicans wear this item over any three piece Brooks Brothers suit and watch as it instantly takes years off of your appearance making you look hip and off-the-chain as the kids say nowadays.
This item is the perfect gift for those Republicans trying to attract more minorities and youths to their campaigns!
Features:
-Extra large, large, medium, small and petite sizes
-Choose from red, black, white, blue, yellow, purple, brown, orange and pink colors
-Hood is water resistant and has a draw string
-Side pockets are durable and sturdy
-Made from 100% Cotton
Special Feature(s):
-Large Republican Red Elephant Symbol appears in the middle of the hoodie
-Gives any Republican instant street cred
-Gives any Republican the ability to rap or break dance too
-Gives police the right to arrest you for doing absolutely nothing at any time
ELECTORAL COLLEGE RULED NOTEBOOK PAPER - $13,000
(This gift item needs a drawing to accompany the text.)
A must have for the college bound Republican student!
Features:
-6 in x 9 1/2 in
-3 hole punched
-120 sheets
-Paper cut free design
-White color paper with an old money background
Special Features:
-This paper has the unique ability to decide the outcome of a Republican student's assignments or grades thus taking the power out of his or her hands despite all the hardwork they may have put in!
-Provides a Republican student with bad grades a legitimate excuse to gain entrance into another ivy league college or university after flunking out of an ivy league college or university!
This item is perfect for the Republican student who plays squash, likes to party or is an average student like George W. Bush was.
THE BILL CLINTON MAGIC 8 BALL - $9.00
(This gift item needs a drawing to accompany the text.)
Republicans, do you want to know the whole truth about the Clinton Presidency?
Well stop wondering about it and do something!
Buy the Bill Clinton Magic 8 Ball today! Imagine having your own personal porthole into the mind of the former president.
Finally, get the truth to those important question that you have been seeking like:
"Does Bill Clinton eat Pixy Stix before bedtime?"
"Does Hilary wear Bill's boxers to senate meetings?"
"If Bill Clinton catches me reading his thoughts, will he come through this magic 8 ball and kick my ass?"
Features Include:
-Black and white color
-Round design
-Made from 100% Latex Rubber
-Unlucky number 8 on top of the ball
-Shoddy and unreliable craftsmanship
-"Don't ask, Don't tell" eight year administration warranty
Special Feature(s) Include:
-Small picture of Bill Clinton on the left side giving the finger to the buyer of the Bill Clinton Magic 8 Ball
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2 CENTS AREA (Place For Your Comments Or Suggestions)
If you have something to say about The Satire Inquirer or its content, send me an email and I may publish it in this area if it is appropriate.
Send comments or suggestions, good or bad to:
tinapeden2003@yahoo.com
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ADVERTISERS ARENA (Place To Advertise Your Service, Business Or Cause)
If you are interested in advertising in The Satire Inquirer, please send an email to:
tinapeden2003@yahoo.com
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR (Tina "Knowledgeable" Peden)
Tina "Knowledgeable" Peden is a 30-something black female freelance writer who lives on the east coast. Her favorite form of writing is comedy writing. To view some of her work, click on the links below.
http://tinaenlightenment.bravehost.com
http://knowledgeable.tblog.com
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/61375/political_tshirts_are_hot_sellers_baby.html
http://www.buzzle.com/authors.asp?author=1907
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