addiction2food

V olume 1 Issue 10

Offering helpful information, insights, articles, tips, recipes, humor and motivational tools to assist you in finding recovery from your addiction to food.

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• Goal Setting
  
• Positive vs. Negative
  
• Humor
  
• Motivational Tools
• Recovery Tools: Acceptance
  
• Secrets of Success
  
• Being Gentle to Yourself
  
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About the Author

BJ is a recovering food addict and a  registered nurse. In 1989 BJ found recovery as an inpatient at Glenbeigh Hospital of Tampa.  After returning home she discovered that her recovery resources were limited. But she knew that if one wanted recovery badly enough one could find it anywhere. So BJ set about finding and/or founding services which would primarily help her to grow in recovery but consequently helped many other food addicts..

BJ  worked as a registered nurse for almost twenty years. Most of that time was spent working in intensive care, adult and child psychiatry, adolescent addiction and home health care. This experience was useful in establishing the "Eating Disorder Information and Referral Service" which was housed at a local Women's Center in Upper Michigan. It was there that she helped her clients find recovery!

     Anguish dominated Susan's face as she spoke.  "I hate being dependent on men. I just hate it.  I'm afraid it'll never stop."  
     What a desperate situation.  We'd been working on this one for a couple of years, and it just wouldn't go away.  By now Susan, in her late twenties, was giving up hope.  
     As I wracked my brain for something, anything to say, I remembered a technique I teach in my comedy class:  "Tell me why you love being dependent."  
Susan was taken aback:  "What do you mean?"  
     "Complete this sentence, "I love being dependent because..."
     "I love being dependent because then I always have men at my beck and call...," she said with hesitation.  I smiled encouragingly.  "I love being dependent because then I can always get someone else to do it for me."  She started to build up steam.  "I love being dependent because then I get to spend time planning ways to manipulate my boyfriend. I love being dependent because I've gotten so good at it that I can get him to do anything."  A smile lit up her face. "I love being dependent because it feels great to have that much power over someone.  And I'm really good at it too.  I'm the best at being dependent."  By now she was laughing.
     "So you're a very powerful person in your dependency."
     "Yeah, I am."
     "Wow, that's amazing, I'm really impressed.  You're very skilled."
     "I know, it's bizarre, I never realised."
     "So tell me why you manipulate him."
     "It's so he'll immediately drop everything and tell me he loves me, that he'll be there for ever and ever and do anything I want."
     "And does it work?"
     "Always."
     "You're awesome.  What do you do to manipulate him?"
     "Well all I have to do is look at him a certain way, or use a certain tone of voice and he gets totally freaked out.  Or in the middle of the night I'll be hungry, and rather than getting something myself I'll get him to go get me something at Burger King.  I've even planned out what I want before I start. It's embarrassing."
     By this time we were both cracking up.  "And sometimes when he gives in too easily, I do something else to freak him out, like pick a fight about something he did earlier, or say "Oh fine," but in such a way that he thinks I'm pissed off.  Or my favourite is when I cry and ask him for a hug, and when he does it, I tell him not to touch me."
     At this point I jumped in.  "You've told me all your friends are guys.  Are they attracted to you?"
     "Oh yes.  I could have any one of them.  They think I'm great."
     "So in your dependency you not only have one guy who'll do anything for you, but also four or five others dying to take his place."
     By now Susan was really getting it, understanding how powerful she was, how creative and resourceful that dependent part of her was.  She had gone from hopeless victim to the maker of her own destiny in about five minutes.  Not to mention coming up with some really funny material should she ever want to do stand-up comedy.
     And most important, in the months and weeks to come, Susan changed her dependent behaviors.  She began to catch herself in the act and choose to do something else, something more honest with her feelings.  Through using a comedic process, she had managed to gain insight into a previously unconscious part of herself and actually make changes.
     So here's a three step process whereby you can use humor to overcome your neurotic or dysfunctional patterns.  You can do this on your own, with a friend, or in a group.  

Step 1:  Identify your dysfunction.  Here are some examples to get you started:
 

Step 2:  Take a contrary attitude.  This part is crucial.  Usually when we think about our dysfunctional patterns, we have an attitude of "I hate this."  However, in this step I want you to take the contrary attitude of "I love being dysfunctional."  Many comics use this technique to help them see humor in a situation.  The idea here is that the act of laughing at our failings raises us above them.  
     On a piece of paper write "I love being ____________________ because:" and fill in the blank with one of your categories of dysfunction from step one.  This exercise tends to work best when you focus on one dysfunction at a time.  Now number from one to 10 underneath your opening statement.  It should look like this:

I love being __________________ because:
1.
2.
3.
etc.
Now set a timer and give yourself five minutes to come up with 10 reasons why you love being ___________.  The time factor is very important.  As you do this, don't think or analyze.  Just write down the first thing that comes to mind.  If you analyze or think you'll get all tangled up in your head and never come up with anything.  As an example, this is what I came up with:

I love being insecure because:

1.	I get to spend hours obsessing about whether or not people like me.
2.	I get to stress myself out worrying about what they're saying behind my back.
3.	I get to drive my friends and family nuts.
4.	I've developed my intuition to the point where I can find other more insecure people and manipulate them into validating me.
5.	It distracts me when from worrying about something real.
6.	It gives me something to overcome, and that makes me better than confident people who have stable personalities.
7.	It gives me a reason to go to therapy.
8.	It makes me special.  No one is as complex and insecure as I am.
9.	I've perfected the art of people pleasing.
10.	It's fashionable to be dysfunctional.

If you're having trouble coming up with your 10 reasons, here are some questions that can help you:

 What do you get from your dysfunction?
 What does it help you avoid?
 What special skills has it helped you develop?
 How does it make you better than other people?

     As you look over your ten reasons, you may start to see how absurd your dysfunction is.  Once you're truly aware of how absurd something is, it's harder to repeat that behavior.  Once Susan saw how absurd her manipulative behavior was, it was harder to continue it.  

Step 3: Here's a way of seeing even more humor in your dysfunction.  In this exercise, you're going to plan your perfect dysfunctional day using the 10 things you came up with in step two.  On your piece of paper, you're going to write an agenda, scheduling time to incorporate all of the 10 things into your daily activities.  Or you can plan basic activities like coffee with a friend or a walk in the park and do them as dysfunctionally as possible.  It helps to include as much specific detail as possible.  Most importantly, you need to frame each thing in a positive light, using words that indicate how much pleasure you will derive from it.  You can do this on your own or get a friend to help you brainstorm.  In order to give a better sense of how this works, I've included the original item from step two in brackets after each activity on my agenda.

9:00 am:  Enjoy starting the day by obsessing about whether or not the people I sat next to at dinner last night liked me.  Delight in analyzing their every movement, sound and facial gesture for signs of disapproval and contempt.  (#1 - obsessing about whether people like me)

10:00 am:  Having joyfully come to the conclusion that they hated my guts, I eagerly plunge into the next activity, freaking myself out over the nasty things they're saying behind my back while I quickly choke down breakfast.  (#2 - stress out worrying about what they're saying)

10:30 am:  Enthusiastically wallow in neurosis for the next hour, otherwise known as my weekly appointment with therapist.  (#7 - go to therapy)

11:30 am:  Excitedly rush home to call wife at work in order to rehash every painful detail of therapy session.  Feel hurt and betrayed when fire alarm goes off and she hangs up to join coworkers in evacuating building.  (#3 - drive people nuts)

2:30 pm:  Still feel badly after call with wife.  Happily console myself with thought that I'm a better person than her because I have something to overcome and she doesn't.  (#6 - I'm better than confident people)

3:00 pm:  Meet Fred for coffee.  Fred is more insecure than me, so I spend a pleasurable hour manipulating him into agreeing that I'm a better person than he is.  (#4 - manipulate insecure people into validating me)

4:00 pm:  Go for walk in park.  Many people jog past me.  I begin to feel inadequate, but gleefully remind myself that their devotion to fitness means they are shallow conformists, whereas my complex and neurotic personality makes me unique and precious.  (#8 - my dysfunction makes me special)

5:00 pm:  Stop at market to buy groceries for dinner.  Rejoice in my ability to smile and apologize as rude shoppers with more than nine items in the expres lineup push me aside and take my place.  (#9 - people pleasing)

     Now you try.  Remember, by consciously planning to do these dysfunctional behaviors, you make them seem absurd, thereby lessening the power they have over you.  
     You may be thinking, what if I do this and nothing changes?  Don't be hard on yourself.  Your dysfunctional self has taken all your life to get this way and it may not be ready to change overnight.  So be kind and allow yourself the time you need. The more practiced you become at seeing the humor in yourself, the more natural it will become to "catch yourself in the act" and do something else.  Like any new skill, this takes time and repetition.

David Granirer gives laughter in the workplace presentations for hundreds of organizations throughout North America. For more information call National Speakers Bureau at 1-800-661-4110 or go to http://www.psychocomic.com

For information on David's products, contact him directly at: (604) 205-9242 or Email: david@psychocomic.com or www.psychocomic.com

The "Secret of Letting Go"

"People who waste their lives in chronic complaint over how badly they feel, or how unfairly life has treated them, think nothing of wasting your life along with their own. There is only one way to treat those who insist that you should treasure their trash as they do: throw them out of your life!"

Imagine for a moment what your life might be like if you never again were to pick up a complaining thought or feeling. Think of how your days would flow without carrying the additional weight of those inner voices always telling you, "I'm too tired," or "This is too much for me!" The weight of the world would be replaced by a new sense of freedom. Fresh, new energies would flow.

If this is the kind of inwardly carefree life you really want, then look closely into these next two ideas that together tell one story of freedom: leaving troubled thoughts right where you find them is the same as not picking up what troubles you. And if you can leave just one of these weary thoughts behind you, then you can leave two, and three, and four, and fifty!

There's a way to know, without ever having to think about it, exactly which of your own thoughts and feelings are your friends, and which are foes, a totally thought-free way to understand which of your thoughts are practical and necessary for everyday life, and which are stealing your life with unsuspected self-compromise. It's true. You possess unsuspected powers of perception just waiting to be awakened. The following technique will help you get started.

Allow your eyes to fall on something familiar in the space where you are. Notice how your mind immediately gives that object a name. Having done this part of the exercise, keep your attention on whatever you've selected, and then continue to watch how more thoughts come into your mind about what you're seeing.

Now, while you're witnessing both that object and your growing stream of associative thoughts and feelings about it, just drop these thoughts and feelings.

You can still see the object, and you still know what it is -- but now you are knowing without thinking.

In this form of higher attention, you can see that the meaning of the object before you has not changed. The difference is that now its meaning speaks directly, silently to you -- instead of you listening to your thoughts tell you about its meaning.

When it comes to seeing a chair or a pencil, this new kind of thought-free state may not seem too profound. But this practice can, and should, be enlarged to encompass your whole life.

The benefits behind the ability to understand something, or someone, without having to go into thought, cannot be over estimated. In our psychic carelessness, we unknowingly pick up and carry home with us self-compromising thoughts and feelings, so the solution we need and should seek, must be in a new kind of awareness.

Practice knowing without thinking. Begin today. Right now.

Let yourself see the meaning of individuals and their actions, of your behavior, of world events, of all your relationships -- without telling yourself what you see. Again, let the meaning of what is before you reveal itself to you. Keep you out of it. If you don't, then self-compromising self-interest will come into and cloud the picture.

Bravely go through your day in this new way. Switch back and forth between your natural need for practical thought, as required in your business or home life, and this new state of seeing, of knowing without thinking. Be patient with yourself. For a while you may feel as though you just have to pick up some thought or feeling, even though a part of you knows you shouldn't. Just learn to watch all of that too. And when you fail, try your best not to pick up self-judgmental thoughts.

Take this bold step towards living thought-free: Each morning, before you launch into your usual routine, find someplace where you can sit quietly by yourself for about ten minutes. If you have to get up earlier to make this time for yourself, then just do it. Use this time to do nothing except to be conscious of how your own mind refuses to join you in doing nothing.

But, don't work at this attempt to be thought-free. Instead, just silently observe how your thoughts won't stand still; see just how thought "full" you really are. Again, your aim is not to "do" something with these ten minutes, but see something about yourself during them. This is healthy self-acquaintance. Let your growing awareness that these tumbling thoughts have a life of their own serve as your first step in separating yourself from their influence. This is the marvelous beginning of self-silence. Up until now, you may have never questioned the notion that your thoughts didn't really belong to you. Now you can begin to witness this fact.

This exercise will help you see that your Real Nature is not any of those thoughts passing through you. Living without thoughts about yourself isn't far behind this inner discovery.

(Excerpted from Freedom from the Ties that Bind by Guy Finley)

Guy Finley is the best-selling author of 20 books and tape albums on self-transformation. His works, which have sold over a million copies and have been translated into ten languages, are recommended by doctors, ministers, and industry leaders. For information about Guy Finley's books, booklets, tapes, and helpful on-going study groups call (541) 476-1200 or visit www.guyfinley.com where you can also sign up to receive a free weekly Key Lesson.

Liberate Yourself From The Opinions And Judgments Of Others

When you have a clear purpose, you won't have time for negativity.

You can??™t make everyone happy. I??™m sure you??™ve heard this most of your life. It seems like a surface statement ??“ it goes in one ear and out the other ??“ but it runs very deep. You will never be able to please everyone. No matter what you do, what decisions you make, what kind of car you drive or where you live ??“ someone is going to be disappointed with you. Putting the opinions and judgments of others before your own will only result in your failure. Learn to trust and believe in yourself for phenomenal success.

In closing, I'd like to offer an exercise to complete in the week ahead:

Do you have people in your life that you are constantly trying to please? Are these people who you look to for approval? Do they always have opinions about your life and what you??™re doing wrong?

Normally, we all have at least one of these people in our lives. But why do people act negatively towards us when we try to better ourselves? It??™s not usually out of spite. Most of the time these people are either insecure about themselves and their lives or afraid that once we begin living our dreams they??™ll be left behind.

So, how do you keep your mind and your focus on your goals when these people are around? Well, the first step would be decide who you really want in your life ??“ people who are going to support you or people who are going to bring you down. You are going to change your life and you don??™t need any negative distractions. If those around you can??™t listen and support you in your efforts, then they have no place in your life Period.

If for some reason you cannot remove these people from your life, then you??™ll have to decide not to discuss your life with them. If they ask you questions about what??™s going on in your life tell them you??™d rather not discuss it with them. Eventually they will stop asking and go away. If they offer advice anyway, simply thank them for the advice and ignore them. Try this a few times and see what happens. Negativity only survives where it is allowed to feed ??“ starve it and it will move on.

Copyright (Reprint Terms)
Copyright© 2003, Mark Victor Hansen. All right reserved. For information contact Frog Pond at 800.704.FROG(3764) or email susie@frogpond.com.

Author Information
Mark  Victor  Hansen
Mark Victor Hansen, "that Chicken Soup for the Soul guy®", inspires NEW VISION that generates innovation, productivity and profitability. markvictorhansen.com. For information about Mark's Keynote Presentations, contact the Frog Pond at 800.704.FROG(3764) or email susie@frogpond.com

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