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Burning the Midnight Oil Book Zine - a FR*E*E monthly ezine for writing parents. ************************************************************** You are receiving this e-zine because you subscribed through e-mail. Unsubscribe information is below. ************************************************************** TABLE OF CONTENTS 1. WELCOME NOTES 2. QUOTES FOR THE MONTH 3. EDITOR'S ARTICLE: GROWING AS A WRITER By DAWN COLCLASURE 4. CONTEST CORNER 5. ADVERTISEMENTS 6. GUEST ARTICLE: A MEMOIR OF HOPE By DONNA PIAZZA 7. BOOK EXCERPT: Husbands, Hot Flashes and all That Hullabaloo! By Vicky DeCoster 8. BOOK GIVEAWAY 9. WHAT’S UP WITH THE BOOK’S WRITERS 10. BOOK NEWS 11. SITES SITED 12. FREEBIE CORNER 13. WRITING PARENT TIPS FOR NOVEMBER 14. SUBMISSION GUIDELINES 15. UNSUBSCRIBE INSTRUCTIONS ************************************************************** WELCOME NOTES Hello, Everyone! Welcome to another issue of the Burning the Midnight Oil Book Zine! As always, feel free to send me any email at BurningMidnightOil@myway.com with comments, suggestions or just to plain chat. In this issue, my short article, “Growing as a Writer,” talks about that moment all beginning writers will one day reach after writing for so long and getting so much of their work published. It shares with readers that “wow, I’ve come a long way” feeling, and it includes just one thing you need to do to make sure you get there! This month’s guest article, “A Memoir of Hope,” comes from a writer who started late in life. It’s never too late (or too early!) to start writing, and once you release that “writer within” to write to your heart’s content, the rewards are so enriching and encouraging that getting your name in print is just part of the experience, and not just the prize. Enjoy this issue! Hugs, Dawn Colclasure Editor and Publisher http://dmcwriter.tripod.com/ ************************************************************** QUOTES FOR THE MONTH "You learn by writing short stories. Keep writing short stories. The money's in novels, but writing short stories keeps your writing lean and pointed."—Larry Niven "I never had any doubts about my abilities. I knew I could write. I just had to figure out how to eat while doing this."—Cormac McCarthy "Writing is the hardest work in the world. I have been a bricklayer and a truck driver, and I tell you -- as if you haven't been told a million times already -- that writing is harder. Lonelier. And nobler and more enriching."—Harlan Ellison "I admire anybody who has the guts to write anything at all."—E. B. White "Forget all the rules. Forget about being published. Write for yourself and celebrate writing."—Melinda Haynes "One writes to make a home for oneself, on paper, in time, in others' minds."—Alfred Kazin "The faster I write the better my output. If I'm going slow I'm in trouble. It means I'm pushing the word instead of being pulled by them."—Raymond Chandler "Words are sacred. They deserve respect. If you get the right ones, in the right order, you can nudge the world a little."—Tom Stoppard "The first step is to find out what you love -- and don't be practical about it. The second step is to start doing what you love immediately, in any small way possible. I've seen what happens to people when they get to do what they love. They light up. They glow. They have a kind of energy that's wonderful."—Barbara Sher "No one is asking, let alone demanding, that you write. The world is not waiting with bated breath for your article or book. Whether or not you get a single word on paper, the sun will rise, the earth will spin, the universe will expand. Writing is forever and always a choice -- your choice."—Beth Mende Conny "Success comes to a writer, as a rule, so gradually that it is always something of a shock to him to look back and realize the heights to which he has climbed."—P.G. Wodehouse ALL QUOTES FROM: http://www.heart4teens.com/writer_s_quotes ************************************************************** EDITOR’S ARTICLE Growing as a Writer By Dawn Colclasure When you’re just starting out as a writer, only one thing is your goal: Getting your name into print. Never mind writing a book, meeting Stephen King or having someone refer to you as a “writer.” Getting your name into print, getting that byline, is the Golden Fleece for all beginning writers. And after you have it, after you get your first byline, you want another and another. Then, after a while, and after several bylines to your credit, you go beyond wanting to get into print to really looking at your craft. You smile when you get accepted by ROLLING STONE MAGAZINE and tell everyone when it’s in print, but that byline no longer sends you into a state of nirvana. You move past the byline with nary a giggle and start looking at your work with a trained eye. This is the moment you know you have matured in your writing. You are no longer a beginner, newbie or even a “wannabe.” This is the moment you turn into a PROFESSIONAL. Becoming a professional writer will change everything about your writing career. It will change how you view your work, how you handle selling it (or even volunteering it), and, ultimately, how you FEEL about it. You may feel embarrassed by a poem you had published only when you were eleven, yet you’ll look at that experience as part of your growing experience. You may wince when you read an article you wrote many years ago in which you made outlandish claims about something but now you will shrug it off and be grateful that you don’t write that way anymore. In essence, you will see how you used to write and now know how you are SUPPOSED to write. Now, after all that work and all that writing, you have finally found your Voice. Now you know how to approach your next writing project because the years and tons of writing you have done up until now has helped you discover how you write. Not how a book says you “should” write; how you WANT to write. This is why every beginning writer should follow the rule to “write every day.” Writing every day is useful to a beginning writer because it helps you practice using words constructively. It gets you acquainted with processing your thoughts, organizing how you want to write something and thinking in terms of “writing” and not just “ideas.” Practice your craft as often as possible and soon you’ll start to notice that you’ve come a long way as a writer – both in how you see yourself and how you see what you’ve accomplished. *** Dawn Colclasure edits and publishes the Burning the Midnight Oil Book Zine, which is a product of her book: BURNING THE MIDNIGHT OIL: How We Survive as Writing Parents (Booklocker). She also writes for the newspaper SIGNews and the Web site, The Shadowlands. She’s been published both on and off the Web, in magazines such as Mothering, American Fitness, Home Education Magazine and HOMEspirations, and Web sites such as Absolute Write, Writing Etc. and Writing World. Visit her on the Web at http://dmcwriter.tripod.com/. ************************************************************** CONTEST CORNER Cross Way Publications is announcing our 11th semi-annual poetry contest July through December 2006 The Rose Of Sharon 1st Prize $60.00 2nd Prize $30.00 3rd Prize $15.00 All poems submitted to this contest will be placed in a Flash Poetry Anthology bearing the name of this contest. The book will be placed on our site at http://www.christianpoetry.org/flash_books.shtml. If you do not wish to have your poetry included in this anthology please advise when you submit your work. At the present time we have 5 entries in this contest. The theme of this contest is "The Rose of Sharon". Guidelines Submit any number of poems (single copies). Ineligible submission categories include translations, published poems (including self-published) and unpublished award winners. Poetry will be judged for form, originality and content. Entry deadline is December 31, 2006. Entries will not be returned. Winners will be posted on our site in January 2007. Please follow these steps (any step not followed will disqualify your submission) and send: Poems: typed, double-spaced on 8 1/2" x 11" paper without your name on page, no more than 1 page per poem, and unstapled. A separate page with your name, address, e-mail address if available, and titles of submitted poems. A check totaling $5 for each poem, payable to Cross Way Publications. Mail to: Cross Way Publications PO Box 3192 Williamsport, PA 17701-0192 Or submit online with Paypal. *** Hi, I'm writing to tell you that due to popular demand, Memoirs Ink has decided to host another contest each year. We're calling it the Half-Yearly contest (not to be confused with the Nordstrom sale--different deadline). The deadline is February 15, 2007 and in keeping with the 1/2 theme, we are requesting half the word count. That's right--1500 words max. The prize money remains the same (proving once again that less is more). First place: $1000; Second: $500; and, Third: $250. Please visit our website www.memoirsink.com for the full guidelines and our new mailing address. The entry fee is $15, but as a previous contest entrant you only pay $10 (just mention this email.) Also, if you know any young writers, pass this along: For the last three years Memoirs Ink has hosted a yearly contest open to writers of any age, and every year we receive some amazing entries from writers as young as 12 years old. It took as while to catch on, but we finally did. Next year we will host our first ever Young Writers Personal Essay Contest for writers under 18 year old. The grand prize is $700, Second place is $400, and Third place is $200. We won't tell you what to spend it on, but if you win the contest, college might be in your future. The deadline is April 30, 2007. Please log on to www.memoirsink.com for the full contest guidelines. We're looking forward to what you all have to say. Sincerely, Jill Evans Memoirs, Ink. www.memoirsink.com *** Wow! Women On Writing Flash Fiction Contest. 500 words max; writing prompt. Entry fee: $5. Awards: $200, $150, $100 + published on Wow! + goodie bag. Also, many honorable mention prizes are available. Deadline: November 30, 2006. Info on this contest and upcoming quarterly contest deadlines: http://wow-womenonwriting.com *** The 13th International Fish Short Story Prize. Open to anyone writing in English, on any theme or subject and in any style, The Fish Short Story Prize seeks to publish exciting new literature from up and coming new writers. The winner receives the top prize of ?2,500 plus publication as the title piece in the Fish Anthology 2007. It is a condition of the competition that the overall winner attends the launch of the Anthology. Second place wins a writng Course at the Anam Cara Writers Centre, and third prize receives ?300. All winners are published in the anthology. Note: Copyright returns to the author one year after publication. Tntry fee: ?20.00. Maximum length 5,000 words. Deadline: November 30, 2006. Info: http://www.fishpublishing.com. *** 3rd D?j? vu Horror contest; theme: The Disenchanted Ghost. Humor, satire, clich?s, dramatic, thrilling; 1000-2500 words. Award: $500. Entry fee: $5. Deadline: November 30, 2006. Info: query@darkrecesses.com with Contest Query in the subject line; http://www.darkrecesses.com/contest.htm; Dark Recesses Press, Box 2184, 100 Mile House, BC Canada V0K 2E0. *** 7th Annual Writer's Digest Short Short Story Competition. Maximum length 1,500 words. Awards: $3,000, 1,500, $500, $100. Entry fee: $12. Deadline: December 1, 2006. Info: http://www.writersdigest.com/contests/shortshort/ *** Cream City Review annual Fiction, Nonfiction, and Poetry contests. Awards: $100 plus publication. Entry fee: $10 per story (no longer than 30 pages) or 3-5 poems. Deadline: December 1, 2006. Info: http://www.uwm.edu/Dept/English/ccr/submit/contests.html *** ReadMyWords.com short fiction contest, 2,500 words maximum. Awards: $150 to $25. Entry fee: $5. Deadline: December 15, 2006. Info: Cedar Hill Press, PO BOx 24784, Cleveland OH 44124; http://www.readmywords.com ************************************************************** ADVERTISEMENTS New Message Board for Writers, Writing Parents and Booklovers!!! The Write Stuff is a new message board created by Dawn Colclasure, a disabled writing parent who loves books! The board offers anyone of similar situations a chance to discuss being a disabled writer, a writing parent or a booklover! The write Stuff offers registered members a chance to swap books, talk shop or discuss Dawn’s books, as well! All writers and booklovers of any age or stage are welcome to participate! Check the new board out here: http://p105.ezboard.com/bthewritestuff66370 *** Check out the FREE Ebook for writing parents EVERYWHERE! From one writing parent to another, “Survival Strategies for Writing Parents” by Dawn Colclasure gives the lowdown on finding time to write, strategies for writing the “skeleton” article and tips and ideas for your home office! Details: http://dmcwriter.tripod.com/id31.html *** Pop artist BRANDON is back! Brandon who gave us the Top 100 Billboard HITS like “Kisses in the night”, “Destiny” and the classic dance tune “Moves” is ready to do it again! Bal Harbour Records Inc. is proud to present our featured artist Brandon with his new single "Don't Go Away". Available now for purchase at our website at: http://www.balharbourrecords.com Go ahead and surf into our website and listen before you buy. Let Brandon take you on a freestyle journey into a whole new dimension. A Portion of the proceeds from the sale of this CD will go to the Special Operations Warrior Foundation (SOWF) The foundation provides college scholarship grants, along with financial aid and educational counseling, to the children of Special Operations personnel who were killed in an operational mission or training accident. www.specialops.org Thank you for all your support Now lets get this party started! Bal Harbour Record Staff *** Learn More about Promoting! To promote better, authors need to know the ups and downs, ins and outs of contests, not just the same old, same old. Here's everything a writer needs to know from sponsoring a contest of her own to how to use contests to improve her writing. Yep, they can be used for that and more! Contest Facts: How to Add Award-winning to Your Name Instructors/producers and moderators are: Allyn Evans Joyce Faulkner Kathe Gogolewski Carolyn Howard-Johnson Published by Double Dragon Press: Our Price: $9.99 USD SALE PRICE: $8.49 ISBN: DDPAUDIO00002 Genre: Self Help - Non-Fiction Audio Duration: 60 Minutes Published: November 2006 Imprint: DDP POD RADIO Go to: http://double-dragon-ebooks.com/single.asp?ISBN=DDPAUDIO00002 *** What's Momfidence? It means believing Oreos make a fine snack...TV won't rot kids' brains...Locks are for doors, not toilets...Hollering happens...Toy guns are harmless fun...And Saturday mornings are for sleep, not tiny-tots soccer. Worry less, wing it more. MOMFIDENCE! An Oreo Never Killed Anybody and Other Secrets of Happier Parenting by Paula Spencer "Bold, true, and a hoot." —Jacquelyn Mitchard, The Deep End of the Ocean, mom of seven "If I weren't dead, I'd give 'Momfidence' Five Stars!" --Erma Bombeck Based the popular "Momfidence!" column in Woman's Day and Paula's features in Parenting and Baby Talk Crown/Three Rivers Press To pre-order: http://tinyurl.com/rty64 http://www.momfidence.com http://www.paulaspencer.com/work1.htm *** Got a book inside you? Having trouble landing a publisher? Like the idea of actually making a living off your book? If you haven't checked out my latest, here's the scoop... The Well-Fed Self-Publisher: How to Turn One Book into a Full-Time Living http://www.wellfedsp.com As most of you know, I self-published both The Well-Fed Writer and TWFW: Back For Seconds, and together, these two books - over 50,000 copies in print - have provided me with a full-time living for over five years (and counting…). This latest work explains, in step-by-step detail, exactly how I did it… But that's not all. To truly simplify your marketing efforts, I assembled virtually every piece of marketing material I created in the course of my successful book promotion campaigns in one phenomenal 100-page ebook resource called… The Well-Fed SP Biz-in-a-Box To quote one of my first buyers: "I took a quick look at the Biz-in-a-Box. You're drastically undercharging." You said it, my friend. You have to see this beauty to believe it. The cost? Ridiculously low. About what an evening at the movies (okay, with popcorn and drinks…) would cost: $29.95. But, it gets better… Purchase the Biz-in-a-Box along with the book, and it's only $19.95! Check it all out at http://www.wellfedsp.com. And may all your writing - and now your books, too! - be "well-fed"! Peter Bowerman Know anyone who dreams of making a GOOD living as a writer? Steer them to www.wellfedwriter.com for a FREE report, “Why Commercial Writing?” by Peter Bowerman, author of the award winning Well-Fed Writer titles - how-to standards in the field of lucrative commercial freelancing. Subscribe to THE WELL-FED E-PUB, the critically acclaimed FREE monthly ezine and companion to The Well-Fed Writer series: www.wellfedwriter.com/ezine.shtml. Just Released! The Well-Fed Self-Publisher: How to Turn One Book Into a Full-Time Living. For full details and FREE report, visit www.wellfedsp.com.. www.copywriter.pro - Freelance Copywriting Services *** My newest e-book is here!!! Whether you're a first time home buyer or already living in a great house, "Home is where the Heart/Money Is" will build your financial future. This 135-page e-book is filled with savvy tips and designer secrets to turn your house into a haven for your family and friends. Buy "Home is where the Heart/Money Is" for only 19.99 and download it instantly. From realizing your dreams of home ownership, to living a thankful life, "Home is where the Heart/Money Is" will help you build wealth and give you a great foundation for your financial future. Buy it today! --SHAUNNA PRIVRATSKY http://www.vonage.com/startsavingnow/ *** Hello Fellow Writers, In celebration of the successful release of my new novel, Pressed Pennies, my publisher has proposed the following: Although the book can be found on B&N.com, Amazon.com (please see posted reviews) and in your local bookstore, you can now purchase the book directly from the publisher at www.SunpiperBooks.com for $10.00, a $5.95 discount (just click on the *Book Clubs Only button)! The publisher's hope is that you will enjoy the book and spread the word to other avid readers. Early Reviews: “Steve Manchester has a gift for expressing through his writing the complicated and transcendent beauty of the human experience with poignant clarity.” – Yolanda King (eldest daughter of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and Coretta Scott King) Higher Ground "Pressed Pennies is priceless! Steve Manchester has an obvious love of words and an amazing ability to use those words to create lasting images in the reader’s mind. His detail-oriented, richly drawn characters and descriptions make this story leap off the pages." - Joyce Handzo, In the Library Reviews "Pressed Pennies is a tale of love and second chances and affirms that love can come at any stage of life if we are just open. This is a book that is sure to warm your heart." - Roberta Austin, The Compulsive Reader Sincere thanks for your time and consideration. Best, Steve www.StevenManchester.com ************************************************************** GUEST ARTICLE A Memoir of Hope By: Donna Piazza Who, in their right mind, wakes up one day, at the age of 42, and says, “I want to be a writer...I want to write”. Let me tell you, there has to be a few slipped discs in that person’s mind. Despite that, or maybe because of it, I proudly count myself among that modest group. There is a crossroad we all yearn for, but not enough of us reach, especially moms. I’m sure if it were ever important enough to calculate the number of women that lived lives of quiet discontent for the greater good of their family, the number would be staggering. The question we have to ask ourselves, if one is fortunate enough to recognize the crossroad when reached, is, “What do I want to do with my life..., and here is the real key,...that makes me happy?” This is the question that rolled around in my head like a loose marble for the whole of four years before I made my revelatory decision. I dreamed of being a writer from a very young age, but fate had a different course paved for me, and writing virtually disappeared from my life at the age of fifteen. There were some tumultuous years following fifteen; my life was hardly idle and far from being my own. I went to school, got married, raised five children, worked multiple jobs, struggled at times and lived, fortunately and in great part, happily. But throughout it all, there remained a tapping at the back of my brain, an inexplicable nagging sensation that something was missing in my life. After four solid years of introspection and a creative writing class that opened a window so long sealed shut, I was able to answer my heartfelt query. Writing was the only answer for me. Other than an effete attempt to write between diaper changes (back in the day), I had deprived myself of the solace I had felt in writing, as a young girl, for approaching twenty-five years. Our kids were rapidly growing up and our lives were moving into a new chapter. I knew that if I quit my job to pursue writing full-time it would, most certainly, put an even greater financial strain on us. We would have to scrape by (again), do without and sacrifice, not only the niceties, but much more. So, this answer, although the right one for me, raised a paradox: I knew, to my very depth, that writing was going to bring a new exhilaration to my life. But would my quest for personal felicity and selfish)- fulfillment cost my family theirs... and being that my happiness was grounded in my family, would I ever be truly and completely happy if they were not? Embarking on a writing career, so long in the tooth (relatively speaking of course) would forever alter many future plans. It was a leap I was willing to take, and gratefully my husband and children leapt right along side me. Since I began my writing odyssey about a year ago, I have: written, learned, tried and failed, tried again, failed again, felt dejected, written, submitted, written, submitted and written. I think, eat and breathe writing in my rebirth. My spirit is compelled to navigate the arduous terrain of my writing journey with my own compass. There are frequent side trips to seek the counsel and guidance of those that have gone before me, and I heed the sage wisdom that I have found there. Recently, a cyberzine called “Mungbeing” published a poem of mine. My poem was chosen by the editor and an artist to accompany his artwork on a worldwide gallery tour; three other poems have been published on the artist’s web site. This acknowledgment provided the validation I sought to turn down the volume on the voices of self-doubt that vexed me. Every word, essay, story or poem written hence is forcing those voices into permanent submission. I even found the courage to put myself out there and apply for a literary grant; a truly defining moment for me. I felt worthy of calling myself a writer, at long last. This is only the beginning of my story. There is no turning back for me now. With each day I will grow and ameliorate in depth and expressive purpose. In slow steps and patient time, I am confident that recompense will be mine. If that simply means that I lived my life with no regret, I will be content. But right now, I will not settle for contentment. I have found my voice and I want to be heard. I feel that what was given to me is a gift, and it should not be denied or squandered. I know that I have a winding and steep road on my horizon, beset with twists and turns I can’t begin to imagine. But, with the a worldwide community of fellow writers, and my family for support, I feel more confident everyday that I will weather it all. Then, one day soon, I will offer my opus to the world and live out the rest of my life in the harmony and repose of word and expression. To live wholly, is the best path for me, for all of us. If we follow the dictates of our heart and spirit, no challenge cannot be met and overcome, we are Mothers after all. In the realm of that most gratifying purpose, I know that I did things that I never thought I could, or would do; I have risen to the challenge of writing with the same conviction. I will hold fast to my dream and write on. Hey, it ain’t over till it’s over...right. BIO: In broad strokes, my name is Donna Piazza, I have been married for 22 years and have raised 5 children, ages 21 to 13. We have lived and raised our family in St. Clair Shores, MI for the past 22 years. I have a medical background; working in Respiratory Therapy for nine years, then, as a Paramedical Examiner for eleven years prior to taking the leap into the writing arena. I have dreamed of being a writer ever since I was a little girl. Currently, I am contracted as a web-article writer. Not glamorous, but I am writing in some capacity. I do some creative writing daily, I write a lot of poetry, I journal regularly and I am working, piecemeal, on a novel. To date, I have had four poems published on web sites and ezines, one contributor credit, and have had several web articles published. I am pursuing a career in writing with the ultimate goal of, one day, being deemed an author. ************************************************************** BOOK EXCERPT EXCERPTS FROM: Husbands, Hot Flashes, and All That Hullabaloo! Menopausal Musings from a Midlife Mama By: Vicky DeCoster ISBN # is 0-595-40193-7 Publisher: iUniverse ”You can purchase the book from Amazon, Barnes & Noble.com and from my web site at www.wackywomanhood.com” Dueling Dieters By Vicky DeCoster All Rights Reserved “Honey,” my husband said as he walked into the kitchen one morning. “I think the scale is broken. It said I weigh three pounds more than I should.” “Let me check it out,” I answered as I quickly walked into our bathroom and stepped on the scale. “You’re right!” I exclaimed. “I’m five pounds over myself!” I immediately drove to the store, bought a new scale and brought it home to test out. I hopped on first. “Hmm,” I grumbled, “This is weird. It still says I’m five pounds over.” I stepped off and kicked the side of the scale. I stepped back on with just one foot and balanced with the expertise of a professional ballerina. “Let me try,” my husband said as he pulled me off, “Maybe it just needs some adjusting.” He stepped on the scale and sighed. “Two faulty scales in one morning? Of all the bad luck!” I looked at him. “I think the only thing that needs adjusting is our portions.” With that said, we began our new life as middle-aged dueling dieters with metabolisms that have been absent from our bodies for so long they should be listed as “missing” on the side of a milk carton. The first day of our diet went terrific. The egg white and banana shake I made each of us for breakfast provided us with just enough protein and potassium to fill us up for exactly 12 minutes. As a result, lunchtime arrived a little earlier than usual. By mid-morning, we had each eaten a small salad with two ounces of tuna and lemon juice dressing. “This is delicious!” my husband exclaimed as he licked the salad plate clean, “And I’ve only consumed 650 calories today so far!” By 3:00, we had finished a lovely dinner of four ounces of broiled chicken breast, broccoli spears and dry spinach leaves. I rubbed my stomach, “I’m not even hungry at all!” At 6:00 p.m., my husband looked at me and said, “Ready to turn in? After all, there’s no point in staying up late anymore if we can’t snack, is there?” We went to bed. I had a dream I was chewing on my pillow and it tasted like a hot fudge sundae. When I woke up the next morning, my pillow was in shreds and some of the shreds were missing. “Darn,” I muttered to myself, “I wonder how many calories are in 300-thread count pillowcases?” I glanced over at my husband who was still sleeping. He was feasting on his arm like it was a chicken drumstick. By the third week of our diet, things were getting a little shaky. There had been lots of small and boring portions endured without the reward of significant weight loss. We had returned three more scales. After dinner one night, my husband got up from the couch. “I’m going to the convenience store to put gas in your car,” he said. “But you just put gas in my car last night,” I retorted as he put his shoes on. “I’ll be right back,” he hastily answered as he ran out the door. A few minutes later, he returned with a smile broader than my hips. “How’s it going, honey bunny?” he asked sweetly. “Let me smell your breath,” I demanded. “There’s no need to smell my breath,” he said, “I’ve done nothing wrong.” Then he grinned. “Your teeth are covered in Oreo cookie crumbs!” I shouted. “So!” he yelled back, “I can’t survive on bean sprout sandwiches and rice cakes for the rest of my life. A man needs his meat and potatoes or he’ll dry up and blow away and then who will water the yard and kill big bugs for you?” He had a point. “I’m just going to get a drink of water,” I announced. I felt his eyes following me into the kitchen as I reached in the cupboard for a glass. He turned back to the television and I tried to quietly unwrap the piece of candy I had hidden inside a coffee cup. It was like trying to unwrap candy during communion in church. The neighbors two houses down heard me. Suddenly, my husband was standing behind me. “Open your mouth,” he demanded. “I don’t want to,” I whimpered, “It’s just a caramel nib.” “They’re called caramel nips!” he shouted, “Like Nipsey Russell!” I quickly started chewing my candy. He bellowed, “Stop that chewing. You’re making me hungry again!” When the caramel in my mouth finally melted and my teeth unstuck from each other, I sat my husband down on the couch. “Tell me again why we’re dieting? I forgot and I’m too delirious from hunger to think rationally.” “I don’t know,” he answered as he put his head in his hands. “The only place I’ve lost inches is from my ear cartilage.” “I lost half an inch from my big toe,” I gloomily added, “But I think it was muscle.” “Your big toe looks great,” he complimented. “Really?” I brightened up. “I think your skinny ear lobes really thin out your face.” “Oh stop,” he glowed. “You have a spinach leaf in your tooth,” I said as I lovingly scraped it off his enamel. “Honey,” my husband started, “I think we should …” “Ssh,” I replied as I put one finger over his sticky Oreo-coated lips, “I know. Let’s just accept our bodies for what they are and stop this silly diet.” We stood up and embraced. “I love you just the way you are,” I whispered near his lean ear lobe. He placed his big toes on top of mine. “Careful,” I warned with a smile, “They’re so petite now, they may not be able to handle the extra weight.” And so we came to a silent agreement that night as I held on tightly to his love handles and he firmly grasped my broad hips – a scale could never weigh the importance of unconditional love. Wilderness Wienie By Vicky DeCoster All Rights Reserved After several summers of vacationing in northern Minnesota, I now know the real reason why the pioneer women died so young: they all had to share a one-room cabin with their families and pretend they enjoyed living that way. The very thought of it gives me a clogged artery, an irregular heartbeat, and a terminal diagnosis. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t love my family. It’s just that five days in a 12x12-foot room furnished with a hot plate, one couch, two beds, four people and a shower so small that I accidentally shut off the water with my derri?re every time I bend over to shave my legs is a bit too much togetherness for me. The pioneer ladies would call me a wilderness wienie. And I’d retort with, “Have you ever slept in the same room with a husband who snores like a buzz saw, a son who yells out in his sleep, “KERPLUNK!” and a daughter (a.k.a., Ratchet Jaws) who grinds her teeth so hard that it sounds as if she’s either chewing on gravel or an ear of field corn?” After two nights trying to sleep with Ratchet Jaws an arm’s-length away from Buzz Saw Boy and me just close enough to smother with my pillow, I began wondering why anyone sold a pioneer a gun. Weren’t they afraid of friendly fire? I don’t even want to think about the chain of events that might have occurred if a pioneer wife got a little cranky during the long winter she was stuck in that tiny cabin with five other people with nothing else to wear but a dirty dress and a bonnet that unfortunately shaped her hair in a style that closely resembled a football helmet The sounds of “CRUNCH, CRUNCH, CRUNCH … KERPLUNK … AND ZZZZZZZZZZ!” suddenly transported me back to reality and the land of sleep deprivation. I sighed and pulled my sleeping bag outside to the cabin deck and lay there, ready to enjoy peace and quiet at last. Moments later, I heard “HOOO, HOOO! RIBBET, RIBBET! SCRATCH, SCRATCH!” I knew what the HOOO, HOOO and the RIBBET, RIBBET was, but what was the SCRATCH, SCRATCH? I carefully lifted my sleeping bag and saw the face of a ground squirrel looking back at me. “AAAAAHHHHH!” I screamed as I ran back into the cabin, slamming the deck door behind me and leaving the ground squirrel to chew up my sleeping bag, make a nest, and deliver 300 baby ground squirrels by morning. Ratchet Jaws and Buzz Saw Boy immediately woke up. As Ratchet Jaws spit out the powder in her hand that used to be two teeth, she asked, “What’s wrong, Mom?” “Yeah, honey, can’t you sleep?” asked Buzz Saw Boy. Young Yeller stretched and yawned and said, “What are you doing up, Mom?” “BECAUSE I CAN’T SLEEP WITH ANY OF YOU PEOPLE ANYMORE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!” I yelled like a lunatic about to run into the woods naked, never to be seen again. “Gee, someone is a little crabby, isn’t she?” Buzz Saw Boy commented to Ratchet Jaws and Young Yeller. Oh, they wanted crabby? I could really give them crabby, but since we were on vacation, I decided to go easy on them. I quietly searched in my suitcase until I found the three bandanas I had planned on using for a makeshift rope to lower myself from the deck to the ground in case I needed to make a hasty retreat from all that togetherness. Instead, I tied one on top of the other on my head, cinching them all beneath my chin. It wasn’t a bonnet, but it would have to do. I stretched out in the bed next to Buzz Saw Boy and waited for everyone to go back to sleep. I still heard the “CRUNCH, CRUNCH, CRUNCH … KERPLUNK … and ZZZZZZZZZZ!” sounds, but at 350 decibels lower than I had earlier. As I drifted off to sleep, I realized that those pioneer women weren’t wearing bonnets to keep their ears warm or because bonnets were the latest fashion rage – they were wearing them to muffle the snores, the yells, and the teeth grinding from their beloved family members. I wish I could end this story with a happy ending for the pioneer women. Unfortunately, just when they thought they had everything under control by wearing the bonnets, their husbands invited their aging mother-in-laws to live with them in that tiny one-room cabin. The pioneer women sighed and said, “I can deal with this … I know I can.” But wouldn’t you know it? The mother-in-law sleepwalked … and she liked to sleep naked to boot. There’s just only so much shock a pioneer woman can take in the middle of the night. And that my friends is the real reason why the pioneer women died so young. Feeling My Way By Vicky DeCoster All Rights Reserved As I sat in the eye doctor’s office awaiting my yearly examination, my son was reading out loud to me from a brochure he found next to our seats. “Dear Doctor, I’ve had good vision all my life, but since I turned 40, everything looks blurry. Can you help me?” Ah, I had just experienced one of those glorious moments when I felt like I wasn’t walking alone on the path to old age. “Keep reading,” I said to my son. He sighed. “Mom, I’m tired. Why can’t you read this yourself?” I shouted defensively, “I’M STILL ENJOYING AN ACTIVE LIFE … IT’S JUST THAT I CAN’T SEE WHAT I’M ENJOYING ANYMORE!” Lately, I’m finding out the hard way that vision really changes after age 40. When I started researching how my vision actually works, I discovered that the human eye is composed of several parts that must work together, and that three things are needed for proper vision – eyes, a brain, and light. I figured two out of three isn’t a bad ratio when you think about it. I’ve got the eyes and the light … and the brain is just in the beginning stages of dementia, so things aren’t looking too hopeless at this point. “Mrs. DeCoster,” the eye doctor called me back to the examining room. I felt my way to the chair in the darkened room and sat down. “They should turn on some lights in here,” I muttered, “There’s more lighting in the Leopard Lounge down the street.” The doctor ignored me and said, “I’ll need to dilate your pupils now,” as she filled my eyes with drops. She left the room. I sat there and stared at the eye charts and watched the letters change into fuzzy shapes that I swear spelled out, “You Are Really Old.” A few minutes later, my pupils were so enlarged that my face now closely resembled the face of a fly. The doctor popped back in the room and said, “Wonderful!” as she gazed into my eyes. “I have a three-dimensional view of your optic nerve and retina!” I thought to myself, “Well, I have a three-dimensional view of your nostril hairs right now, but I’m not going to get that excited about it.” She pulled the huge eyeglasses over my eyes and said, “Number 1 or Number 2?” I didn’t have to go to the bathroom, but I answered, “Number 1.” She moved the lenses around several times and said again, “Number 1 or Number 2?” “Didn’t you just ask me that?” I inquired. “We’re just checking out what works best for your eyes right now,” she answered cheerfully. “Now, Number 1 or Number 2?” “Go back to Number 1,” I requested. She moved it back. “Go back to Number 2,” I said. We went back and forth like that several times until she said impatiently, “Just pick a number … any number!” “Number 2,” I said meekly. She moved the lenses one last time and said, “Now, how does everything look?” I felt my left eye rolling around in its socket, but I lied and said, “Looks great!” “Let’s check your vision for reading,” she said. I think I heard a bell toll somewhere in the background, but I answered, “Okay.” She held a book in front of me. “Can you read the first line?” she asked. I squinted and requested, “Can you move back a little bit?” She stepped back. “A little further.” She stepped back some more. “A tiny bit more,” I asked. A few steps later, and she backed into the wall on the opposite side of the room. She yelled, “CAN YOU READ IT NOW?” “YES!” I shouted, “IT SAYS ‘IF YOU CAN ONLY READ THIS FROM ACROSS THE ROOM, YOU NEED READING GLASSES!’” Dejected, I headed home that day with crossed, rolling, really big eyeballs and a prescription for new quadruple-focal lenses clutched in my sweaty hand. Not long after my appointment, my friend Judi told me how she was riding in a car on a precarious road alongside a cliff in California with a friend. Needing to look away from the side of the road where she envisioned their car plunging off with one wrong move, Judi glanced over at her friend who was driving. She gasped. Her friend, who had to leave on vacation before filling her new eyeglass prescription, was wearing three pairs of glasses – one rested on the bottom of her nose, one in the middle, and one at the bridge. Judi said, “What are you doing with all those pairs of glasses on?” Her friend answered matter-of-factly, “Well, I need one pair to read the speedometer, one to see the road, and one just in case the other two don’t work.” The good news is that the size of the older population is projected to double during the next 30 years. I’ll never feel alone again because there will be 70 million baby boomers using special glasses, talking clocks and computers, and enough electricity to light up both Mars and Jupiter. The bad news is that they’ll all still be driving. COPYRIGHT 2006 BY VICKY DECOSTER. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. NO PART MAY BE USED WITHOUT PERMISSION FROM THE AUTHOR. REPRINTED HERE WITH PERMISSION. ************************************************************** BOOK GIVEAWAY No book giveaway this month. ************************************************************** WHAT'S UP WITH THE BOOK'S WRITERS? The following is news of writers you can read interviews with in Volume One of the MIDNIGHT OIL book. VICKY DECOSTER, interviewed in Volume One, has this new book news to share: In Husbands, Hot Flashes, and All That Hullabaloo!, award-winning humor writer Vicky DeCoster takes you on a hilarious hormonal journey from bikinis to granny panties and control top pantyhose to knee-highs as she teaches you not to take yourself too seriously. Any woman tackling the second act of her life will relate to DeCoster’s humorous personal essays as she makes fun of matrimony malfunctions, female fervor, corporate craziness, parenting pandemonium, and aging anatomies. This new-age Erma Bombeck entertains readers with her comical anecdotes on dieting with her husband, the roller coaster of emotions that accompany trying on swimming suits in your forties and beyond, and the unwelcome neuroses that often occur during parenthood. DeCoster amuses with outrageous tips on how to knit without catching the yarn on fire and her witty spin on the story of a mall Easter Bunny gone wild. It’s safe to say that you’ll never suffer through a hot flash the same way again after you experience one through her eyes! Husbands, Hot Flashes, and All That Hullabaloo! will have you laughing out loud at the realities of life as a middle-aged woman, ultimately leaving you with the comforting secret that life is too funny to take seriously. Visit her web site at www.wackywomanhood.com for more details on how to order the book! JIM VINES, interviewed in Volume One, has a book coming out NEXT MONTH! Check out this news tidbit: COMING SOON -- Q & A: THE WORKING SCREENWRITER -- An In-the-Trenches Perspective of Writing Movies in Today's Film Industry. ************************************************************** BOOK NEWS What's the latest with the first volume of BURNING THE MIDNIGHT OIL: How We Survive as Writing Parents? No book news this month. ************************************************************** FREEBIE CORNER Free excerpts from chick lit novels here: http://www.bookreporter.com/chicklit/index.asp ************************************************************** SITES SITED The following are interesting, helpful sites that I’d like to pass on. Faucet Coach http://www.faucetcoach.com/ JHDWriting.com http://www.jhdwriting.com/ Writers Remember http://www.writersremember.com/index.html FILExt http://filext.com/ AmazingPregnancy.com http://www.amazingpregnancy.com/ fashion net http://www.fashion.net/ hackwriters.com http://www.hackwriters.com/index.htm The Medical Reporter http://medicalreporter.health.org/ RainbowNetwork.com http://www.rainbownetwork.com/ EducationalLearningGames.com http://www.educationallearninggames.com/ career overview http://www.careeroverview.com/ ************************************************************** WRITING PARENT TIPS FOR NOVEMBER: No tips this month. Have a great Thanksgiving to U.S. subscribers! ************************************************************** WANNA SUBMIT TO THIS E-ZINE?? I am always open to submissions for the E-zine!! Feel free to submit any of the following: 1. An article. Any style and length. Articles must relate to writing, being a writing parent or successful business/marketing ideas. If the article is a reprint, you must own the reprint rights. 2. Tips for writing parents. 3. Advertising info, a freebie link, fan mail or, if you are included in the book, news and updates on what’s going on in your writing life! PLEASE NOTE: Payment for submissions has been restored to $5 per article, payable on publication. And, please, be sure to include your bio with submissions. It gets everything moving a little faster. :) ************************************************************** You are subscribed to this E-zine because you requested a subscription or signed yourself up on your own. To unsubscribe, send a blank e-mail to: 59308-unsubscribe@zinester.com |
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