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Crazy Corner...

Noah In The Year 2004

Shared by Bette, CA

It is the year 2004 and Noah lives in the United States. The Lord speaks to Noah and says:

"In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.

Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year." Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems.

First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.

Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.

Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the US Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.

Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.

Then the Army Corps of Engineer demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!

The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.

I just got a notice from the State that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft.

Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.

I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?" "No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has."



Bubba and Earl

Shared by Richard, FL

Bubba and Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?"

"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper.



Business Flight

Shared by Larry Holmes, Ontario, Canada

A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in the United States".

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure he calmly asked, " What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?

"Well," she explained, " one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish,"

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

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Love is not blind.
That's why they make lingerie...

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PESTO GREEN BEANS

~Submitted by Luanne, FL

This is a good recipe for now when the gardens are all ripe with vegetables.

2 pounds of green beans, trimmed
1/4 cup butter or margarine
2 cloves of garlic
1 tsp dried pesto seasoning
1/2 tsp salt

Steam or parboil beans until tender, about 6 minutes, drain In a skillet over low heat melt butter add garlic pesto seasoning and salt. Saute for about one minute and add green beans and saute another couple of minutes until heated through.




BUTTER COOKIES WITH RAISINS

~Submitted by Carol, No. CA

3/4 c butter
2/3 c sugar
1/2 t salt
1-1/2 t vanilla
1-3/4 c flour
1/2 c raisins

Mix butter, sugar, salt. Add vanilla. Then flour, then raisins.

Divide batter in half, roll each to 1-1/2 inch diameter log. Wrap in Saran and refrigerate till firm, about one hour.

Oven at 375. Slice 1/4 inch thick, place on greased cookie sheet, bake 10 minutes.

Makes 3 dozen.




STUFFED POTATO CUPS

~Submitted by Joyce, IL

Medium or Old Potatoes (Not new ones)
Oil
Mushrooms (sliced)
Butter
Grated Feta Cheese or cheese of your choice.
Onions (optional)

Scrub potatoes and prick with skewer several times. Bake for approx. 1 hr. or until tender. OR....Microwave for 10 minutes on HIGH. Cool, cut in half and scoop out pulp. Dry mash potatoes and set aside.

Brush inside and outside of skins lightly with oil and bake at 400 degrees for 10 minutes longer. Melt enough butter for saut?©ing, add mushrooms (AND onions if you want) and gently fry until tender and golden brown. Add mushrooms and onions to potato pulp. Mix in Feta Cheese and re-stuff potato cups. Sprinkle additional cheese on top.

Place back into oven and reheat until cheese melts and potatoes are heated through. ENJOY! Betcha can't eat just ONE! Aprrox. Time to prepare: 1 1/2 hrs.




BLUE CHEESE AND BACON POTATO SALAD

~Submitted by Tena, MO

3 pounds new potatoes
1/3 cup dry white wine
1/3 cup chicken broth
1/3 cup minced parsley
1/3 cup sliced scallion
8 ounces blue cheese
3/4 cup French dressing
1/4 pound bacon, cut into 1/2??? pieces

Steam potatoes, let cool slightly, and quarter. Combine with everything except blue cheese, dressing and bacon. Let cool. Crumble cheese over mixture, add dressing and toss gently. Chill, covered, at least 4 hours. Cook bacon over moderately high heat until crisp. Sprinkle over salad and serve.

Serves 8.




IMPOSSIBLE LEMON PIE

~Submitted by Brenda, AL

This is for Margee Lee from Southern Ca. She said she likes the crustless pies so here is a good lemon one.

2 cups milk
3/4 cups sugar
1/2 cup baking mix (like Bisquick)
1/4 cup butter
4 eggs
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla
1/4 cup lemon juice

Place all in a blender and blend for 15 seconds or until well blended. Pour into a 10 inch pie plate. Bake at 350 degrees F. for 50 to 55 minutes or until set.




CHOCOLATE SEDUCTION PIE

~Submitted by Larry Holmes, Ontario, Canada

1 ?? cups whipping cream
1/3 cup milk
?? cup sugar
?? cup butter, cut up
16 squares (16 ounces) semisweet chocolate, coarsely chopped
sweetened whipped cream
chocolate shavings

Bring 1 ?? cups whipped cream, sugar and butter to boil in large saucepan over medium-high heat. Remove from heat and stir in chocolate until smooth. Place saucepan in large bowl filled with iced water. Chill, stirring occasionally, until cold, about 10 minutes. Remove from iced water. Transfer filling to mixer bowl and beat at medium speed to soft peaks, about 1 minute. DO NOT OVERBEAT. Pour into prepared crust. Refrigerate until firm, 4 hours or overnight.

To serve, decorate pie with sweetened whipped cream and chocolate shavings.

Makes 12 servings.

Per serving: 420 calories; 3 g protein; 30 g fat, 50 g carbohydrates; 153 mg sodium; 49 mg cholesterol




APPLE SPICE TURKEY SALAD

~Submitted by Jean, Syracuse, NY

Plump raisins and crisp celery jazz up leftover turkey in this delicious salad. Nutmeg and cinnamon team up with diced apples for an apple pie taste.

2 1/4 cups diced cooked turkey
2 cups chopped celery
2 cups chopped cored apples
1/4 cup raisins
2 tablespoons mayonnaise
2 tablespoons plain yogurt
1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon ground black pepper

Combine turkey, celery, apples and raisins in a large bowl; set aside.

In a small bowl, mix together mayonnaise, yogurt, nutmeg and cinnamon. Fold into turkey mixture; season with salt and pepper. Keep refrigerated until serving time.

Makes 6 servings.

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Heart Healthy...

FROZEN FRUIT SALAD

~Submitted by Jean, Syracuse, NY

Yield: 8 servings

INGREDIENTS

- 1 package (8 ounces) fat-free cream cheese
- 1 cup fat-free sour cream
- 1/3 cup sugar
- 1 tablespoon grated lemon rind
- Pinch salt
- 5 cups assorted fresh, frozen, or canned fruit (drained crushed pineapple, sliced strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, cherries, chopped peaches, etc.)
- Lettuce leaves as garnish

DIRECTIONS

Beat cream cheese, sour cream, sugar, lemon rind, and salt in large bowl until smooth. Mix in fruit. Spread in 11x7-inch baking dish and freeze until firm, 8 hours or overnight.

Let stand at room temperature until softened enough to cut, 10 to 15 minutes. Cut into squares and serve on lettuce-lined plates.

Nutritional Information Per Serving (1/8 of recipe):
Calories: 126, Fat: 0.3 g, Cholesterol: 0 mg, Sodium: 191 mg, Protein: 6.6 g, Carbohydrate: 25.2 g Diabetic Exchanges: 1 Fruit, 1/2 Meat

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For Two...

SAUTEED RED POTATOES AND TOMATOES

~Submitted by Jean, Syracuse, NY

Active time:15 min
Start to finish:15 min

1 tablespoon olive oil
1/2 lb red potatoes, cut into 1-inch pieces
5 grape tomatoes, halved crosswise

Heat oil in a 12-inch nonstick skillet over moderately high heat until hot but not smoking, then saut?© potatoes, stirring and shaking skillet frequently, until golden brown and cooked through, about 5 minutes. Add tomatoes and cook, stirring, until tomatoes begin to blister, about 2 minutes. Season with salt and pepper.

Makes 2 servings.

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Publisher's Choice...

CHOCOLATE DIPPED STRAWBERRIES

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This recipe makes: 36 (36 strawberries)
Preparation time: 20 minutes
Cooking time: 10 minutes

Ingredients

2 pints strawberries, stems intact
1 1/2 cups semisweet chocolate
1 teaspoon canola oil

Cooking Instructions

1. Line 2 baking sheets with parchment or waxed paper. Wipe the strawberries clean and dry them well with paper towels.

2. Melt the chocolate with the oil over a double boiler. Stir until the mixture is smooth and the chocolate is completely melted. Remove from heat.

3. Hold a strawberry by it's green top and dip it 3/4 of the way into the melted chocolate. Lift it out of the chocolate, let the excess chocolate run off and set the berry on one of the lined baking sheets. Repeat this for all of the strawberries.

4. To harden the chocolate, chill the strawberries for about an hour before serving . You can store them in the refrigerator for up to 8 hours.

Note: These make great gifts. Find a pretty box, line it with parchment or waxed paper, fill it with dipped strawberries and store in the refrigerator.

Nutrition Facts:
Serving Size 1 strawberry
Amount Per Serving
Calories 39
Total Fat 2 g
Saturated Fat 1 g
Protein 0 g
Total Carbohydrate 6 g
Dietary Fiber 1 g
Sodium 1 mg
Percent Calories from Fat 46%
Percent Calories from Protein 4%
Percent Calories from Carbohydrate 50%

Quicker:
Melt the chocolate with the oil in the microwave on low power and omit Step 2.

Fancier:
For White Chocolate Pistachio Strawberries: Substitute white chocolate for the semisweet chocolate. Before setting the strawberries on the baking sheet, dip them in crushed pistachio nuts.

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