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| << June26, 2004 - I-Laugh #164 - How to conquer a city ! |
July14, 2004 - I-Laugh #166 - Answers by the dozen >> |
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.................................. I-Laugh - Your 'Working' Humor Discussion List --------------------------------------------- Moderated by : Eva Rosenberg mailto:eva@workinghumor.com Assisted By : Gunjan Saraf gunjan@workinghumor.com http://workinghumor.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 5th July 2004 # Issue 165 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You only live once, and the way I live, once is enough. ~ Frank Sinatra More Ol' Blue Eye's quotes at - http://workinghumor.com/quotes/frank_sinatra.shtml ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THIS DIGEST : Moderator's Comment ~ Gunjan The Other Moderator's Comment ~ Eva _______________________ CONTINUING DISCUSSIONS Private ? Ha ! ~ Javier Yep Speaking Tip ~ from Tom Antion NEW DISCUSSIONS Verbal, Vocal and Body Language Misquote ~ Stephanie How Not to Rob a Bank ~ From Dr. Stan Kegel's Groaner's Digest HISTORIC HUMOR TWISTED LESSONS THIS WEEK'S HUMOR THIS WEEK'S STRESS RELIEVER ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ---------------- SPONSOR MESSAGE ----------------- "Need Ink?... Don't pay retail!" Lot's of high quality solutions to Save You money... Come see how you can Save on your printing costs! Satisfaction IS Guaranteed at MaxPatch Ink! http://www.maxpatchink.com/?laugh ------------------------------------------------------------ Moderator's Comment ---------- Dear LaughMates, Last week we showed you how to conquer a city. This week let's move to 'How not to rob a bank.' Don't know about you but I just can't wait to get to it.... So without ado, here's I-Laugh #165 ... ;) With best wishes Gunjan Many a true word is spoken in Jest -------------------------------------- Jest for Pun - pun-subscribe@topica.com Jest a Quote - quote-subscribe@topica.com Jest in Literature (A) - lit-subscribe@topica.com P.S - Please invite your friends to subscribe by sending an email to: 64841-subscribe@zinester.com Please, send any comments to: mailto:posts@workinghumor.com?Subject=Comments ---------- The Other Moderator's Comment ---------- Hi All, As long as Gunjan has set the theme of this issue as robbing banks...let me give you some more advice, from real, live sources. --> Let's call this tale - Unclear on the Concept A friend of mine was a VP at the Federal Reserve Bank's (FRB) Los Angeles office. It's important that you understand what the FRB does - it's not a place where people go to make deposits or draw funds. Tellers don't dispense cash. It's the vehicle the US government uses to regulate money, the banking industry, clear checks between banks, store gold...you know, government and industry stuff. So, Pam calls me one day, exclaiming, "You'll never believe what happened! We got held up." It seems a robber walked up to a teller with a note. He demanded $100,000. In a cashier's check. ---> Go Solo On another note, I used to walk the track in the park each morning. One day, a very well-built man, who always wore black shorts and a black net tank top to showcase his muscles, invited me to join him for breakfast afterwards. We became friends easily. Feeling comfortable, Danny admits to me that he's on parole. For what? Bank robbery. It turns out that my charming new friend was a real-life bank robber. He never brandished a weapon. He always used a polite note to the teller. In fact, he'd even flirt with the girls, as one testified at his trial, "I thought he was kind of cute." Yeah, I thought so, too. Even my husband (then, fiance) enjoyed him, and was generous to him. Danny was doing just fine at his chosen profession. He had his routine down to a science - until he brought a partner along. His buddy's ineptness got them caught. Of course, there's more to this tale. But, not here. Suffice it to say, I have quite a collection of cards and poetry from the Federal Pen (penitentiary, that is). So what are your stories about real-life felons? mailto:posts@workinghumor.com?Subject=Felons Your Comic Guide, Eva Rosenberg TaxMama.com irsexam.com Author of the upcoming book from McGraw-Hill, Small Business Taxes Made Easy http://snipurl.com/74dv or http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0071441689/mywishlistA/ ----------------------------------------------------------- Guaranteed to coax a smile from the grumpiest of grumps, FURRY LOGIC is a charming little book with a big heart and sly humor. Exquisitely detailed watercolor paintings depicting animals caught up in the joy and drudgery of life are paired with old adages given a new spin for our times. http://snipurl.com/furry ------------------------------------------------------------ ===== CONTINUING DISCUSSIONS ======== ===> Private? Ha! Hello Gunjan, Eva and All!, I am always reading the issues, it's really fun! But you know what I really like? It is the smarter way you bring us the humor. The "This week's Humor" part is just beautiful! Thanks for those quality jokes. Hey Guys, I want to take this opportunity to tell you something about security in the internet. Why? - Well, few issues ago, Gunjan or Eva, I dont remember:), was talking about 'spyware' or feeling like someone were reading it's emails, because they were receiving mail from family members's names, friends, ... but being spamed in reality. Here is something you must know: 1 - You are not alone, many of us are the target (victims) of theses 'spy' activities. 2 - Mostly of the time we get infected by these spywares by just opening a malicious mail, they come with embedded scripts that are quickly installed in your pc and then create a registry. 3- A quick solution is this: http://www.spywareguide.com/txt_onlinescan.html Click "yes" (using Internet Explorer only) I think you will be surprised by what you have in your pc. I hope this helps! and sorry for being so serious :) Thank You ____________________________________________ Javier Yep Garcia http://www.igosite.com Website & Hosting Solutions (Moderator's Note - Javier is our webhost for www.workinghumor.com and when he's not talking of spammers and spyware, he can be seriously humorous ;) Comments - mailto:posts@workinghumor.com?Subject=privacy ===> Speaking Tip StoryTelling Don'ts... When setting up a story Don't say the words funny, reminds me of, or story. These words are so overused they alert the audience that a story is coming. This causes audience members to resist your story rather than get caught up in your story. They say in essence, Let's see you make me laugh, or OK here comes another story. Don't say, I heard a good one the other day for the same reason you don't say it reminds me of. The audience will resist and challenge you to make them laugh. Never say, I don't know if I should tell this one. If there is any doubt whatsoever that a story is not appropriate for a particular group, leave it out. [From Tom Antion's ebook - Wake 'em Up Get your copy at http://snurl.com/wakeup] Tom Antion has a great newsletter called 'Great Speaking' To subscribe (free) why not use our affiliate link (given below) ] http://www.listpartners.com/cgi-local/subscribe?2606 Comments or if have you a tip to share - mailto:posts@workinghumor.com?Subject=speakertips ------------------------------------------------------------ Click: The Ultimate Guide to Electronic Marketing for Speakers, Authors, Coaches and Consultants...by Tom Antion http://snurl.com/click ------------------------------------------------------------ ============ NEW DISCUSSIONS ============= ===> Verbal, Vocal and Body Language Misquote Hi, all. Just in case any of you are still using the 7% verbal, 38% vocal, and 55% body language communication breakdown, here is another analysis of how it is being misquoted from the original research and does not apply in general to communication: http://www.dhemery.com/cwd/2004/05/mehrabian.html Have a terrific 4th of July, all of you in the US. Stephanie Comments - mailto:posts@workinghumor.com?Subject=misquote ===> How Not to Rob a Bank According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing article titled "How Not to Rob a Bank," by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac. Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed: PICK THE RIGHT BANK Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in. STUDY YOUR HISTORY Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, MN. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang. Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They're tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans. APPROACH THE RIGHT TELLER Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, MA, followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived. DON'T SIGN YOUR DEMAND NOTE Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in East Hartford, CN, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number. BEWARE OF DANGEROUS VEGETABLES A man in White Plains, NY, tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his "weapon." AVOID BEING FUSSY A robber in Panorama City, CA, gave a teller a note saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left. DON'T ADVERTISE A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves. A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up banks. TAKE RIGHT TURNS ONLY Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money. PROVIDE YOUR OWN TRANSPORTATION It is not clever to borrow the teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, MA. GO EASY ON THE DISGUISE One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print. BE AWARE OF THE TIME Or the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, MA, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived. BE STRONG There was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, MA, who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car, parked nearby, had the keys locked inside it. DON'T BE TOO SENSITIVE In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark points out, not to mention severe burns in sensitive places-as bandits in San Diego and Boston painfully discovered. CONSIDER ANOTHER LINE OF WORK One nervous Newport, RI, robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, MA, who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. Certain types of people are known as "klutzes" in the current colloquial English, due to their unfortunate habit of finding the one thing in an area that is almost certain to cause damage to something else. These people do not, as a general rule, make particularly good criminals. One example of this rule is a young man who, in the process of burgling a house, managed to shoot himself in the foot with an antique shotgun, which could not, in all fairness be described as his. Most people would, in this situation, exit from the property in search of medical attention. Instead the young man in question proved himself worthy of being elevated to the lofty heights of the Not Terribly Good fraternity, by phoning for an ambulance. The police, who were alerted by a phone call from the house of their chief superintendent, were quickly on the scene. AVOID WORKING WITH ANIMALS It is a sad story to relate that one bank robber brought his dog with him on a raid. It is surely to his regret that he inadvertently left the unfortunate animal at the scene of the crime. When the police arrived, it was a simple matter to release the woeful creature, shout 'Home, boy!' and follow the dog to his masters home, where the gentleman in question was examining his ill-gotten gains. KNOW ALL THE BUILDING DETAILS OF YOUR PLANNED ROBBERY This is to avoid the fate of one particular burglar, who intending to rob a museum of it's artifacts, had selected a skylight as his method of entrance. When he initially attempted to fit through he found that he was unable to do so. In a stroke of genius he decided to remove all his articles of clothing, and to drop them through the skylight for retrieval once he had made his entrance. Having done this he then tried once again, but found that he was still unable to fit through the skylight, and this time was also unable to extricate his body from said hole. The police, arriving some hours later, were able to arrest the would-be criminal with very little difficulty. KNOW YOUR INTENDED VICTIM It is also advisable to check the identity of the person that you are intending to rob. One burglar who omitted to do this, was surprised to discover an old teacher of his, quivering in her bed at the thought of a thief loose in the house. Overcome with fond memories of his time at school, he approached the bed, and kissed his ex-teacher on the forehead, saying "You were always kind to me." It did not strain the energies of the police force to discover the identity of the robber, and haul him in. DON'T MIX PLAYTIME WITH WORK One would-be crook's days were numbered when, whilst investigating the photographic apparatus in a particular house, became fascinated by a new Instamatic camera. In a move worthy of high praise, he managed to take a photograph of himself with it, and then, to prove himself worthy to be mentioned in this list, he fled the house, leaving the photograph behind. It did not take too long for his arrest to occur. Consider, if you will, the case of one particular burglar who, believing that the house in question was currently unoccupied, was delighted to discover a prized grand piano among the possessions of the house's owners. Our hero carved himself a niche in the annals of history by settling down to play the aforementioned instrument. It was a simple matter for the police, alerted by the owner of the house, who was asleep upstairs until the piano recital commenced, to catch the crook unawares. DON'T FALL IN LOVE WITH YOUR VICTIM One such gentleman was wandering through the house that he was robbing, when he entered the bedroom, to find a pretty, if slightly macho, lady already in the room. It was, for the burglar, a case of love at first sight. Imagine then his surprise, when the lady, in response to his amorous advances, felled him with two well-aimed blows, and then held him in a half-nelson until the arrival of the officers of the law. Imagine his face when he discovered that the lady in question had, before her sex-change took place, been employed as a bricklayer. GET ENOUGH REST BEFORE WORKING AT NIGHT The report in question involves a burglar who clearly failed to heed this advice, and who was found by a group of slightly incredulous police officers, asleep on the bed in the spare room of the house. As can be imagined, apprehending this particular criminal wasn't too tricky, and his thoughts upon awakening can only be speculated upon. PLAN YOUR GETAWAYS AND BE SURE ROUTE IS CLEAR Do not, as one group did, drive straight into the back of a police van. PICK A SUITABLE TIME FOR THE CRIME As an example of this, I ask you to consider one aspiring shoplifter, who chose to make his big assault on a shop during a convention of store detectives. The ease with which he was captured is mind-boggling. In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979, for example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bank holdups reported. Comments - mailto:posts@workinghumor.com?Subject=robbingbanks ============= HISTORIC HUMOR ============== Oscar Wilde claimed that he could discuss any subject at any time, prepared or not. Taking him up on this claim, a companion asked for his views on the subject of the queen. Responded Wilde : "The queen is not a subject." Comments - mailto:posts@workinghumor.com?Subject=HistoricHumor ----------------------------------------------------------- Oscar Wilde was the master of the studied insult. His jabs at hypocrisy, pretense, and boring conventionality still have a penetrating power. His snubs and put-downs became the talk of his time, no less by his targets than by Oscar Wilde himself. This collection features over 750 biting comments... http://snurl.com/impwit ------------------------------------------------------------ =========== This week's Humor ============== An elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport. "You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously. "Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection." "The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. You Americans always 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944, I couldn't find any **insert exclamation** Frenchmen to show it to." (Thanks Jo-Lene's Daily Humor... http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Daily-Humor/ ) Comments : mailto:posts@workinghumor.com?Subject=humor ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Grumpiness CAN be cured ! And with kids the faster you cure it the better. If the customer reviews on Amazon.com are to be believed here's a sure-fire cure... What Are YOU So Grumpy About? http://snipurl.com/grumpy ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ =========== This week's Stress Reliever ============== Do people really use this kinda stuff? http://www.shomertec.com/item.cfm?Action=newItems&variable=1164 (Thanks tOM) Comments : mailto:posts@workinghumor.com?Subject=stressrelief ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I-Laugh is edited by: Eva Rosenberg eva@workinghumor.com Information on how to advertise in I-Laugh : http://workinghumor.com/advertise.shtml Send suggestions and comments to gunjan@workinghumor.com FAQ, Information & Archives at our website, http://workinghumor.com Send your posts to: posts@workinghumor.com If you are posting for the first time please read our guidelines http://workinghumor.com/posting_rules.shtml ?© Copyright Gunjan Saraf and Eva Rosenberg YOU have permission to publish any part of I-Laugh electronically free of charge, under the following conditions: First: The author of the piece receives full credit, with all links to their e-mail address &/or site intact Second: The following byline is included. "This article is reproduced with permission from I-Laugh, Your Working Humor Discussion List. http://www.workinghumor.com ?© Copyright Gunjan Saraf and Eva Rosenberg " However, if you are getting paid for your publication (it is by paid subscription), please be good enough to contact us to arrange a payment to us for the material you are using. A courtesy copy of your publication would be appreciated.. Subscribe by sending a mail to: 64841-subscribe@zinester.com Unsubscribe by sending a mail to: 64841-unsubscribe@zinester.com |
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