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| << September17, 2003 - I-Laugh #129 - Pardon the Bu** Shit ? |
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To: <!--$email--> ............................... I-Laugh - Your 'Working' Humor Discussion List --------------------------------------------- Moderated by : Eva Rosenberg mailto:eva@workinghumor.com Assisted By : Gunjan Saraf gunjan@workinghumor.com http://workinghumor.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 24th September 2003 # Issue 130 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is. ~ Yogi Berra ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THIS DIGEST : Moderator's Comment - ~ Gunjan The Other Moderator's Comment ~ Eva _____________________ CONTINUING DISCUSSIONS Seriously Scientific Reply ~ Uncle Joe Mac vs. PC - Some Facts ~ Gunjan Speaking Tip ~ from Tom Antion IDEAS TO PONDER AND DISCUSS New Extract - Wanted: An Unpractical Man THIS WEEK'S HUMOR THIS WEEK'S STRESS RELIEVER ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ---------------- SPONSOR MESSAGE ----------------- STOP paying more for your printer supplies than what you paid for your printer! We're here to save YOU money! Inkjet cartridges, Complete-n-Easy refill ink kits, JetPak Mailers, InkSaver software, toner and more! * psst... our newsletter subscribers always get a 10% Discount! (simple details sent right after sign up!) Come Save Now at MaxPatch Ink Supplies! http://www.maxpatchink.com/?laugh ---------- Please Support Our Kind Sponsor --------- Moderator's Comments ------------------------------------------------- Dear LaughMates, You thought our sponsor's newsletter (The Inknews) is all about printers and ink? Well think again. The last issue talked of ... "we're off the Virginia City tomorrow to see the Virginia City International Camel Races, yep, camels! Emus and ostriches too! http://www.allcamels.com/sf/vccr/index.html The National Champion Air Races are in Reno next week: http://www.airrace.org/index.php and Street Vibrations the week after: http://www.road-shows.com/street_vibrations.html." To sign up for it and know what fun is happening around, (and to make sure you know which is the best priced printer, of course), visit http://www.maxpatchink.com/?laugh With no further ado here's I-Laugh #130. With best wishes Gunjan Many a true word is spoken in Jest -------------------------------------- Jest for Pun - pun-subscribe@topica.com Jest a Quote - quote-subscribe@topica.com Jest in Literature (A) - lit-subscribe@topica.com P.S - Please invite your friends to subscribe by sending an email to: 64841-subscribe@zinester.com Please, send any comments to: mailto:posts@workinghumor.com?Subject=Comments ---------- The Other Moderator's Comment ---------- Dear HelpMates, A little while ago, Gunjan found a new host for this newsletter - http://www.zinester.com - in Russia. And while I love the international flavour of our community, I will admit that I do get frustrated when I can't do what I need to get done. I tried and tried and tried to pay for the hosting. (And let me tell you, they've been kind and patient, waiting for the money.) With all the nastiness in the world, we simply have way too much security out there for the good guys. No matter how many times I tried, his system wouldn't accept my credit card. He doesn't accept PayPal. (Probably wouldn't be able get his money out of them, there in Russia.) I had just sent Gunjan yet another message to have his host find another way to take our money, when I had an idea. (Gee, I'm slow on the uptake, sometimes.) Call MY credit card company and ask them how to get them to send a payment from my card to this nice guy in Russia. Sitting on hold at MBNA while Robert, the nice customer service rep tries to find someone who can figure out how to help me, my assistant tells me there's this urgent call from Robert at MBNA security - and the guy INSISTS on wanting to speak with me. What a kick! Just the man I needed. He'd been alerted by these attempts to charge something to an Russian merchant and... Well...he cleared the transaction, set up an authorization code and when I tried it again, five minutes later, ta daaaa! Payment is made. Look, I don't know who Gunjan's new buddy is. But whoever's running the show at www.zinester.com is a real prince, waiting so long, and so trustingly, for his payment. {Gunjan pips in - It's Andrew Okunev, from Zinester.com and he IS incredibly helpful.} Oh, and I am jazzed with MBNA security for keeping me safe. Next time I have a problem, I'll just call them first. And speaking of nonsensical humor...we were right? You do know of our world-famous California Governor's recall election (spelled Aahhnold). Well, Peter Ueberroth, the guy who established that the Olympic Games can turn a profit, was running for governor. Everyone I spoke to was so excited about the prospect. But, he dropped out because he got no party support (all to Schwarzennegger), and the polls didn't look promising. (Who the heck were THEY asking? Even the small, local newspapers had the guy on the street saying they'd vote for him.) Well, my mother-in-law (a wise and beautiful woman) just pointed out to me that Peter Ueberroth is still #108 on the ballot. They printed the sample ballots before he backed out. If his name is on the final ballot, he may just get more votes than anyone expects. If not, hey, I'm writing him in! Your Comic Guide, Eva Rosenberg You are invited to subscribe to these useful publications - FREE! http://taxmama.com/subscribe/ Where taxes are fun! http://www.helpdeskwebreview.com/ Ask us Anything! NEW! Start 10 Businesses Online Without Spending a Dime http://www.1automationwiz.com/app/aftrack.asp?AFID=78247 ------------------------------------------------------------ Do you know the difference between caveat emptor and an empty bowl of caviar? Likewise, if you've been carjacked, are you the victim of a robbery, burglary, or are you just happy to finally be rid of that 1983 Chevy Nova? In If It Does Not Fit, Must You Acquit?, you will find the answer to these questions and hundreds of equally silly questions. More importantly, you will learn the fundamental principles of our legal system. Follow this link and enjoy one of the best Book Descriptions that I have come across... http://snurl.com/acquit ------------------------------------------------------------ ===== CONTINUING DISCUSSIONS ======== === > Seriously Scientific Reply Gnjuan, Clamopnit I ntoice taht you dndi't egunorcae rlipees to the Cmdbrgae rcsraeh on rdienag my tpiyng. My dylixsec koybeard has been a scroue of garet tourlbe to me; I had heopd taht you wulod ask for hlep form me. Ah, wlel, c'est la vie. Ccahha Joe For a site of laughs and a FREE ezine: www.smilepoetryweekly.com For cricket lovers everywhere: Batty Balls and other Wicket Wit www.ah-mah-son.com Moderator's Comment - Athnoer grate rlpey to tihs treahd on luagh levors was by Michael Bass- When people tease her (his cousin) about her dyslexia, she simply points out proudly that "dyslexia" is just "success" spelled backwards. Comments - mailto:posts@workinghumor.com?Subject=Dyslexia === > Mac vs. Pc ! Mari Bontrager forwarded this information ... > From the Desk of David Pogue: Viruses and Operating >Systems >======================================== > > I've just discovered the best way to learn about computers: > Write down what you know in an e-mail column and send > it to 237,000 people. Believe me: Whatever holes they > discover in your knowledge, they'll set you straight. > <snip> > > I also wrote that Mac OS X and Linux are virus-free > because they offer virus writers a much smaller "audience" > than Windows -- a notion that's been much repeated in > the press, most recently last week's BusinessWeek cover > story. > > That, as it turns out, is a myth, no matter who repeats it. > There's a much bigger reason virus writers don't like > Mac OS X and Linux. > > "Unix [which underlies Mac OS X] and Linux ARE > more secure," wrote one reader. "They have been developed, > open-source style, by people who know exactly what they > are doing. Unix and Linux have had at least 10 years of battling > hackers to better themselves. This leads to an extremely secure > environment." > > Many of you also pointed out simple design decisions that > make Mac OS X and Linux much more secure than > Windows XP. > > For example: > > * Windows comes with five of its ports open; Mac OS X > comes with all of them shut and locked. (Ports are back-door > channels to the Internet: one for instant-messaging, one for > Windows XP's remote-control feature and so on.) These > ports are precisely what permitted viruses like Blaster to > infiltrate millions of PC's. Microsoft says that it won't > have an opportunity to close these ports until the next > version of Windows, which is a couple of years away. > > * When a program tries to install itself in Mac OS X or > Linux, a dialog box interrupts your work and asks you > permission for that installation -- in fact, requires your > account password. Windows XP goes ahead and installs > it, potentially without your awareness. > > * Administrator accounts in Windows (and therefore viruses > that exploit it) have access to all areas of the operating > system. In Mac OS X, even an administrator can't touch the > files that drive the operating system itself. A Mac OS X > virus (if there were such a thing) could theoretically wipe > out all of your files, but wouldn't be able to access anyone > else's stuff -- and couldn't touch the operating system > itself. > > * No Macintosh e-mail program automatically runs scripts > that come attached to incoming messages, as Microsoft > Outlook does. > > Evidently, I'm not the only columnist to have fallen for > this old myth; see >http://www.sunspot.net/technology/custom/pluggedin/bal-mac082803,0,1353478. > column for another writer's more technical apology. But the > conclusion is clear: Linux and Mac OS X aren't just more > secure because fewer people use them. They're also much > harder to crack right out of the box. Well, it had to come, the only surprise for me was that it took so long to come. As a young Mac Lover, and proud owner of one Lc II, a couple of 6100s, and a wonderful sparkling 7200, I would have probably sent in similar stuff, plus some pretty smug comments in to Gunjan had he come up with all that blasphemy about 5 years back. Even though I wouldn't touch a Mac now with a barge pole, I still have to admit it's a beautiful machine and a pleasure to work on. The problem (at least in this corner of the world) is with Apple's service. Take a Mac that is not working to them and they treat you as if you're a sadist who must have done something reaaaallly baaad to their machine for it to stop working. It just couldn't be a fault with their machine. Our 7200 blew one chip on the motherboard. Apple told me the chip could not be replaced, the entire motherboard would have to be changed. It would cost me about 13,000$ when I could get a brand new Pentium 166mhz machine (the 7200 was 25 or 33 mhz, methinks) for under a 1000$. For almost a year I corresponded with various people at Apple, right up to the level Manager Asia-Pacific region, trying to explain to them how crazy the situation was, and trying to get their help so I wouldn't have to abandon my 7200, but then Apple after sales and service people have not been developed by the Apple Engineers and just aren't as user friendly as the machines and finally I had to scrap that machine. It's taken years to get over the pain and now it's amusing to see the kind of fervour I had as a young mac lover. I wasn't kidding, talking ill of the Mac at a certain time in my life was indeed blasphemy. ;) P.S - If you have the same fervour but reside outside the US do take care ! ~ Gunjan Comments - mailto:posts@workinghumor.com?Subject=Mac ===> Speaking Tip TELEVISION & VIDEOTAPE TIPS Here are some things you should keep in mind when a television camera is trained on you: Gestures should be smaller. Make sure clothing is "broken in" and comfortable when you are sitting and standing. Prior to your performance, have instant photos or video taken of you while sitting and standing. Make sure your clothes look good in both positions. Find out the background color of the set if possible. You don't want your clothing to blend in and make you invisible. Ask the producer for wardrobe color suggestions. Do not wear any clothing with tight patterns or pin stripes. This causes an optical illusion called a moir??? pattern which makes you look bad. Avoid clothing with large patterns or geometric shapes. The audience will watch your clothes instead of you. Avoid wearing black, white, or red on television or video. Even the best of cameras have trouble with these colors. Avoid flashy jewelry. It reflects light. Avoid jangly jewelry. It reflects light and makes noise that will be picked up by your microphone (this applies whether you are on TV or not). Wear your eyeglasses if you want, but avoid shiny frames. Tip the bows of your eyeglasses up slightly off your ears. This angles the lenses down to reduce glare from lights. Wear makeup. It has the practical purpose of reducing the glare of TV lights. Apply it to all exposed body parts, like backs of hands, arms, neck, etc. Apply cover-up below eyes to mask bags and/or wrinkles. Good studios are kept cool to negate the effect of the hot TV lights. You may freeze for a while until the lights are turned on, then you may burn up. Dress for the heat, but bring a jacket or extra cover-up to be used while you are waiting to go on. Bring a handkerchief or tissues to dab perspiration during breaks. Don't second guess the camera. Act as if you are always on screen. Make sure your makeup, wardrobe, and hair are consistent with your message. MEN Wear knee-length socks. Always keep double breasted jackets buttoned. Single breasted jackets can be opened, but not too wide. I SAY AGAIN Wear Makeup. TV lights can penetrate several layers of skin. You can't possibly shave close enough to prevent whiskers from showing without makeup. Don't forget makeup on receding hairlines or bald heads. Trick: Run the thin part of your tie through the loop in the back of the main part of your tie then clip the thin part to your shirt below the loop. This will keep your tie perfectly centered without the tie clip showing. WOMEN Don't wear vivid red lipstick or lip gloss. Stick to softer tones and dab lips with a little powder. Consider dress shields if you perspire easily. Make sure your hair will stay where you want it. You don't want to be fooling with it while on the air. Make sure a lavaliere or lapel microphone and transmitter can be attached to your clothing. ~ from Tom Antion's ebook - Wake 'em Up Get your copy at http://snurl.com/wakeup] Tom Antion has a great newsletter called 'Great Speaking' To subscribe why not use our affiliate link (given below) ] http://www.listpartners.com/cgi-local/subscribe?2606 Comments or if have you a tip to share - mailto:posts@workinghumor.com?Subject=speakertips ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Oscar Wilde was the master of the studied insult. His jabs at hypocrisy, pretense, and boring conventionality still have a penetrating power. His snubs and put-downs became the talk of his time, no less by his targets than by Oscar Wilde himself. This collection features over 750 biting comments... http://snurl.com/impwit ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ === IDEAS TO PONDER AND DISCUSS ====== ===> New Extract - Wanted: An Unpractical Man A school, of which Lord Rosebery is representative, has endeavored to substitute for the moral or social ideals which have hitherto been the motive of politics a general coherency or completeness in the social system which has gained the nick-name of "efficiency." I am not very certain of the secret doctrine of this sect in the matter. But, as far as I can make out, "efficiency" means that we ought to discover everything about a machine except what it is for. There has arisen in our time a most singular fancy: the fancy that when things go very wrong we need a practical man. It would be far truer to say, that when things go very wrong we need an unpractical man. Certainly, at least, we need a theorist. A practical man means a man accustomed to mere daily practice, to the way things commonly work. When things will not work, you must have the thinker, the man who has some doctrine about why they work at all. It is wrong to fiddle while Rome is burning; but it is quite right to study the theory of hydraulics while Rome is burning. Guess the book and the author... mailto:posts@workinghumor.com?Subject=Guess Comments - mailto:posts@workinghumor.com?Subject=Unpractical ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Click: The Ultimate Guide to Electronic Marketing for Speakers, Authors, Coaches and Consultants...by Tom Antion A breakthrough e-book which will show you how to build an electronic marketing business from "square one" into a five-figure . . . six figure . . . even a million dollar asset. Adds Tom Antion "I don't have a tremendous amount of basic computer knowledge. The technical stuff doesn't even interest me. . . . I like to write deposit slips, not programs. I do know where to "click" to make money and this E-book was designed to make it easy for you to click in the right place. Adds Gunjan "Start by Clicking here" :-) http://snurl.com/click ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ =========== This week's Humor ============== Indians - The Friendliest, Most Helpful people in the world ! On a business trip to India, a colleague of mine arrived at the airport in Delhi. He took a taxi to his hotel, where he was greeted by his hospitable Indian host. The cab driver requested the equivalent of eight dollars U.S. for the fare, which seemed reasonable, so my friend handed him the money. But the host grabbed the bills and initiated a verbal assault upon the cabby, calling him a worthless parasite and a disgrace to their country for trying to overcharge visitors. The host threw half the amount at the driver and told him never to return. As the taxi sped off, the host gave the remaining bills to my colleague and asked him how his trip had been. "Fine," the businessman replied, "until you chased the cab away with my luggage in the trunk." (Thanks Dianne) Comments : mailto:posts@workinghumor.com?Subject=humor =========== This week's Stress Reliever? ============== http://aznewyou.com/cardtrick (Thanks Uncle Joe) Moderator's Comment - Can you figure out how it's done? I think, it's quite simple. Comments or Submissions of your own favorites: mailto:posts@workinghumor.com?Subject=lolurl ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I-Laugh is edited by: Eva Rosenberg eva@workinghumor.com Information on how to advertise in I-Laugh : http://workinghumor.com/advertise.shtml Send suggestions and comments to gunjan@workinghumor.com FAQ, Information & Archives at our website, http://workinghumor.com Send your posts to: posts@workinghumor.com If you are posting for the first time please read our guidelines http://workinghumor.com/posting_rules.shtml ?© Copyright Gunjan Saraf and Eva Rosenberg YOU have permission to publish any part of I-Laugh electronically free of charge, under the following conditions: First: The author of the piece receives full credit, with all links to their e-mail address &/or site intact Second: The following byline is included. "This article is reproduced with permission from I-Laugh, Your Working Humor Discussion List. http://www.workinghumor.com ?© Copyright Gunjan Saraf and Eva Rosenberg " However, if you are getting paid for your publication (it is by paid subscription), please be good enough to contact us to arrange a payment to us for the material you are using. A courtesy copy of your publication would be appreciated.. Subscribe by sending a mail to: 64841-subscribe@zinester.com Unsubscribe by sending a mail to: 64841-unsubscribe@zinester.com |
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