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Friday, Sept 26 2003
Self-Positivity! ezine
(HTML edition)
Your Self-Esteem ezine from Crystal Woods
http://www.self-positivity.com
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Contents
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Welcome & What's New
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We're coming into Summer here now, and the weather's getting hotter. It's lovely, except we're getting land gales
at the same time which means I can't leave my lounge chair etc out on the balcony like I did last year. It would
blow away. In fact, I'm having to clear the balcony when it comes up to a blow, because it blows HARD. Still,
the warmth is lovely and I'm looking forward to taking up swimming again. Also very relieved to be back from my
course/s and home again. I missed it. Funny how you build attachments to a lot of little things you don't realise
until they're not conveniently around for you anymore!
Work is hectic since we're down on staff at the moment, but that just means I've got more incentive to get things
systematised. I've also been ordered to take more time off, since I've built up too many flex hours, and would
be about to lose them. More incentive again, and a very handy reminder of the lesson in today's article - sometimes
your best is all you can do, much as you would like to do more. Hope you enjoy, and, as always, your feedback
is very welcome! |
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Article: Letting Others Learn
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It's always the reformed ones that are the worst. Any reformed smoker will tell you anyone can quit, a successful
slimmer will jump on the topic of your weight and tell you it's simple to lose it, a confessed alcoholic will talk
to you of the evils of alcohol for hours. It's a generalisation, I know, but as generalisations go, I've had this
one proven on many occasions.
What goes around comes around, right? I've just found myself in the position of a 'reformer' in the self-help
stakes. :-/ I think I understand a bit more now. It's much like watching a two-finger typist when you're a touch
typist yourself - Painful! That's why reformers do it. It's a real challenge to hold your tongue when you're
seeing someone go through what you've been through yourself, and you KNOW that a few words will help them out enormously.
Trouble is, it'll only help if they're willing to listen, and if I think back to when I was going through it myself,
the honest truth is I didn't want to hear other people's solutions. I was determined to find my own.
What brought all this on? A 15-year excursion into the past, back to when I was shy, socially inept and totally
insecure. No friends, which I blamed on how often we moved school, and a determination to prove myself better
than everyone who didn't want to socialise with me. The only way I knew to do this was by showing them up at the
one thing I was good at - academics. For some twisted & strange reason, I thought that would make them like
me. Boy, I must have been a royal pain in the proverbial! I just met a version of myself, 20 years on. Needless
to say, I didn't like her. I honestly tried to connect with her, though; seeing we were attending the same course
and we would be working together on a lot of class work. I made allowances for her being new to the field, and
had them trampled over as she declared to all of us, experienced hands included, how we were supposed to proceed.
I offered friendship to try to get to know her, and she became an inescapable imposition, constantly sitting beside
me in class and at meals, stopping me from meeting anyone else. I tried tactful advice, only to have it ignored
("Oh, look. There's that book you told me about. No, I won't get it, I'll borrow your copy sometime later")
I wasn't the only one getting very annoyed, since by this stage she was taking over the whole class, interfering
with our learning asking questions of the lecturers we'd already had answered in the material, which meant they
covered ground we'd already gone over, and we didn't hear what we were hoping to learn. Not to mention interrupting
the lecturer and telling all of us to shut up when we came in off breaks and were settling back down. (Ironic,
when she kept talking over the lecturers asking us more irrelevant questions so we couldn't hear either.) We tried
workshopping solutions, only to end up frustrated at her total lack of understanding of basic courtesies; such
as not standing over & interrupting people trying to work, read or listen. We even ended up in out and out
confrontation. I'm sorry to say, this story has no happy ending - we ended up just having to avoid her as much
as possible, essentially running away, and wondering how long she's going to be around.
I've always held that the things that frustrate me most in others are the things I don't want to look at in myself
- but I'd long since looked at these, had never had them to that extent, and my worried questions to the others
around me reassured me I wasn't slipping back into old behaviours myself. Was my zeal to help her anything to
do with the issue? Maybe, but others felt the same (ready to strangle her after long enough in close contact)
and they weren't coming from anywhere near the same angle as I was. But the one realisation I have pulled from
the experience is that you can't live anyone else's life for them. Some horses you won't even get as far as bringing
to water! Painful as it may be, by the end of the course we were together on, I'd come to the conclusion that
she would have to learn her own lessons, in her own good time. Whether the words I seeded in her thoughts will
ever bring fruit, I don't know, but having placed them there was all I was able, or even entitled, to do. All
the same, reformist zeal is a powerful impulse to overcome!
My philosophy is always to try to seek the positive in anything that happens to me. Much as I would have loved
to ease her path into the network of colleagues that was formed in the course, I have had to let that idea go.
I was forced to, because I was about to lose that network myself if I kept the association. Her choices and her
decisions led to her consequences. The choices I made had to be, in the end, right for me. Even if they weren't
ideal, I feel like I held true to myself by trying, but drawing the line at the point where it would have became
'sacrifice' instead of assistance, ie where it would have cost me dearly, and probably still not borne fruit.
Instead of judging the choices I make by how they come out, now, it's a bit clearer that it's more honest to judge
by how well you stood by your own ethics, morals standards AND BOUNDARIES. While I may have initially felt I failed
on results; looking at the choices I made, I've done my best, and so I now make the choice not to regret what I
couldn't do, and to move on, satisfied that at least I gave it my best shot. And one other thing I've learned
- next time I'm tempted by that 'reformist' impulse, I have every intention of thinking it through and working
out if my help is going to be welcome before I even start! I'm convinced it'll prove easier for all concerned??¦
Are there areas you are working to 'reform' others in? Is your message welcome or is it just painful for both
of you? Most importantly, are YOUR boundaries being endangered by your enthusiasm to help? If they are, it might
be time to stop, and question the cost. If you've been true to yourself and tried, and there's too much resistance
for you to ever succeed, take the final (hardest) step and walk away.
Best Wishes
Crystal |
| Special Feature: The Things I learnt from being away from
home. |
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1. Things I learnt while I was gone:
a. Tuesday is 2 for 1 pizza night, and it's amazing how far 2 pizzas can stretch! (Especially when the student
canteen is the alternative)
b. You don't really appreciate living on your own until you stay in a dorm with shared bathrooms!
c. Ironing's even more of a pain in a shared laundry with no TV to take your mind off it.
d. The human body has an unlimited capacity for coffee when it's offered as a reason to break from class.
e. The fact that you don't get homework makes work infinitely nicer than study.
f. The brain has a finite capacity, and once it's full, it switches to 'doodle' mode!
2. Things I learnt once I got back:
a. Remember to turn the hot water back on, preferably BEFORE you run your bath.
b. There are 2 stages to unpacking. First, unpack everything you know you're going to need immediately or fairly
soon. Second, find a place to stash the suitcase/s that are left.
c. Avoiding looking in the fridge won't make all the dead, mouldy things go away
d. It's very easy to get used to takeaway while you're gone, but at some stage you've got to start cooking for
yourself again. Ideally while you can still close the cupboard doors on all the supplies you've just bought so
you don't have to open the fridge.
e. There is no feeling like being able to duck out to the loo at 2am without having to worry about slippers, dressing
gowns & keys!
f. Now I have to make my own bed again, I remember why I appreciate doonas so much.
g. There really is no place like home.
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All the best, hope to catch you next time!
Crystal
http://www.self-positivity.com |
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