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An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to
ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing;
forty-five years of misery is enough."

 

"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams.

 

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so
you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.

 

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like Hell
they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."

 

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are Not
getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my
brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a damned
thing, do you hear me?" And she hangs up.

 

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "They're coming for
Thanksgiving and paying their own way.

 

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THINGS TO DO TO LIVEN UP THANKSGIVING DINNER ....

 

1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the
blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new
Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.

 

2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, "I'm
thankful I didn't get caught," and refuse to say anything more

 

3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's
not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game. When
he comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV.

 

4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions
known to exist at turkey farms.

 

5. During mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't
notice that the turkey was past the expiration date. You were worried for
nothing."

 

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What do you get when you cross a turkey with
an octopus?
Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving

 

What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
Plymouth Rock

 

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside

 

Why did they let the turkey join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks

 

Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of fowl play

 

What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner?
The turKEY

 

What did the turkey say before it was roasted?
Boy! I'm stuffed!

 

Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers?
To keep his wigwam

 

What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an
Indian?
He had an arrow escape

 

How did the Mayflower show that it liked America?
It hugged the shore

 

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Top Ten Signs the Person Answering the Butterball Turkey Hotline is Nuts

 

10. Starts out by asking, "What are you wearing?"

 

9. Keeps referring to product called "Vicks Vap-O-Gravy"

 

8. Recommends thawing the turkey in your pants

 

7. Wants you to look inside the turkey for contact lens he lost at the
processing plant

 

6. When you ask, "How often should I baste it?" he says, "Are we still
talking about the turkey?"

 

5. Tells you that when the timer pops up, you have ten seconds before the
damn thing explodes

 

4. Insists you cook turkey at six degrees for 450 hours

 

3. Keeps interrupting to ask if you're planning to eat the bird or wear it
as a hat

 

2. Claims to have sailed from New York to the Bahamas in a gravy boat

 

1. He tells you to go stuff yourself

 

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