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WELCOME TO SAILOR'S CLEAN HUMOR Pull Up Your Scuppers and Come Alongside SUBSCRIBE: http://www.SailorRandR.com/web/sub/ UNSUBSCRIBE: info at bottom of this page ============================================== FREE RECIPES
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STARZ
BEHIND BARZ, SHOCKING GAGS, AUTOMOTIVE MANUALS, MILITARY BOOKS, ITCHING POWDER, STINK BOMBS, HUMOR, CELL PHONE SIGNAL BOOSTERS. ==============================================
Q. Why did the turkey bolt down its
food?
A. Because it was a gobbler! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do you get if you divide the circumference
of your
pumpkin by its diameter? A. Pumpkin pi
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Driving through southern California, I stopped at a
roadside stand that sold
fruit, vegetables, and crafts. After looking around, I found several items that I decided
to purchase. As I
went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a new sign to hang up. "Why the new sign?" I asked.
"My boyfriend doesn't approve of the old one," she
said.
When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I
understood....
It declared...
"Local Honey,
Dates, Nuts."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MILITARY QUICKIES:
Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ..I Shall Fear No
Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing! (Sign over the entrance to the old
SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan).
You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.
(Paul F. Crickmore -test pilot)
The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on
fire
Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean
than submarines in the sky. (From an old carrier sailor)
If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's
probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe
When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always
have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.
Without ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive
flying club.
What is the one similarity between air traffic controllers
and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, ...the pilot
dies.
Never trade luck for skill.
The three most common expressions (or famous last words)
in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Uh oh!"
Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get
a pilot pregnant.
Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to
successfully complete the flight.
A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck;
three in a row is prevarication.
I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.
Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left
one up there!
Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight
bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries
Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your
plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything
about it.
When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was
forgotten. Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be
held on a sunny day.
Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: When a prang
(crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the
vicinity as slow and gently as possible.
The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; ...it
can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)
A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying
his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)
If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as
far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it;
ride the bugger down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)
Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than
you.
There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in
peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).
If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about
to.
Basic Flying Rules: Try to stay in the middle of the air.
Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the
appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much
more difficult to fly there. From: "B.Brabant" <buffalo@sault.com>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For the first time in many years, a an old man
traveled
from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the
concession
stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn
was
only 15 cents." "Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin,
"You're
really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby
shouted to the other,
"Are you a little girl or a little boy?" "I don't know," replied the other baby
giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first
baby.
"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the
reply. "Well, I
do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib and find out." He carefully manoeuvred himself into the other baby's
crib, then quickly
disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly. "You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can
you tell?"
"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've
got pink socks and
I've got blue ones." SHAME ON YOU, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He was not well-educated and rather rough and crude around
the edges, but he
was recently converted and now on fire for the Lord. He was constantly pestering the pastor to give him some
work that would be
helpful to the church. Finally the pastor agreed. He gave the man a list of ten people who hadn't been in church for years nor made any financial contribution. Some of these were quite prominent in the community. The pastor said, "What I want you to do is get these
people back to church,
however you can. You can use church stationery if you want, but get these people back to church." Three weeks later the pastor got an envelope in the mail
from a prominent
doctor whose name had been on the list, along with a check for $1,000 and a note that read, "Dear Pastor, Please excuse my inactivity at church. I really have no excuse. Accept this check as a partial contribution for all the Sundays I've missed, and be assured I will never, by choice, miss worship again. Sincerely, J. B. Jones, M.D.
P.S. - Will you kindly tell your secretary that
there is only one "t" in
dirty and no "c" in skunk? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BOOKS, LIGHTERS, GAGS, PRANKS,
CELL PHONE, KNIVES, RECIPES
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