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Jacob was an uneducated but hard-working immigrant
who
wanted a better future for his only son, David. He scrimped and saved for David's school education. In return, David worked hard and got accepted at a small school far from home. Every month, David received a check from his father for his living expenses and every month, the check was attached to a piece of paper with the letters 'FUF' written on it. It regularly puzzled David, but he cashed the checks anyway and went about his studies. Finally Passover came and David was able to travel home. As he sat with his father after the Seder, David said, "Dad, I want you to know how much I love you and how much I appreciate everything you're doing for me. I really couldn't get by without the check you send me every month. But I must ask, what does it mean when you write 'FUF'?" His father replied, "Oy, some scholar you're not. 'FUF' means 'From U Fadder' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the
telephone
operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity. "I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day I have to blow the whistle at noon so I call you to get the exact time." The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this time we've been setting our clock by your whistle. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The price of gas in Texas has gone so high ... that women
who want to run
over their husbands have started carpooling ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At a pharmacy, a blonde woman asked to use the infant
scale
to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first. "It won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quotes in honor of Women's History Month"
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have
to
be a horrible warning. -Catherine Aird The hardest years in life are those between ten and
seventy. -Helen Hayes
(at 73) I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of
them
as stray eyebrows. -Janette Barber Whoever thought up the word "Mammogram"?
Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. -Jan King Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
-Lily Tomlin
You know the hardest thing about having cerebral
palsy
and being a woman? It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears. -Geri Jewell Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry
with
your girlfriends. -Laurie Kuslansky My second favorite household chore is ironing. My
first
being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. -Erma Bombeck Old age ain't no place for sissies. -Bette
Davis
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must
do
what he can't. -Rhonda Hansome -Every time I close the door on reality it comes in
through
the windows. -Jennifer Unlimited Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as
men
to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. -Charlotte Whitton Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together
and
your body starts falling apart. -Caryn Leschen I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several
days attack me at
once. -Jennifer Unlimited When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded
kids
for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss and they called ME slow! -Kathy Buckley I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because
I
know I'm not dumb...and I'm also not blonde. -Dolly Parton You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you
hardly ever see a smart
woman with a dumb guy. -Erica Jong- If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be
wearing them. -Sue
Grafton- I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride
on. -Roseanne
Barr- I think-therefore I'm single.
-Lizz Winstead When women are depressed they either eat or go
shopping.
Men invade another country. -Elayne Boosler Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -Maryon
Pearson
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man -if
you
want anything done, ask a woman. -Margaret Thatcher I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine
marriage and a
career. -Gloria Steinem I never married because there was no need. I have three
pets
at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night. -Marie Corelli- If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing
neckties? How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck? -Linda Ellerbee- I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a
man
I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor
Roosevelt- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little son of a Baptist minister was in church one
morning when he saw for
the first time the rite of baptism by immersion. He was greatly interested in it, and the next morning proceeded to baptize his three cats in the bathtub. The first kitten bore it very well, and so did the young
cat, but the old
family cat rebelled. It struggled, clawed and tore at him, and got away. With considerable effort he caught it again and proceeded
with the
ceremony, but she acted worse than ever, clawed at him, spit, and scratched his hands and face. Finally, after barely getting her splattered with water,
he dropped her
on the floor in disgust and said: "Fine, be an Atheist." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist
she needs some
cyanide. The pharmacist says, "Why in the world would you be
in need of any
cyanide?" The lady then explains she needs it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's
eyes get big as saucers and he says, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill
your husband! That's
against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide, lady!" Then the lady reaches into her purse and pulls out a
picture of her husband
together with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looks at the picture and replies..... "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a
prescription."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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