Archives at Zinester: Clean Humor. Sailor's Clean Humor. Entertainment

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GAGS, GIFTS, KNIFES, LIGHTERS, RECIPES, ROMANCE NOVELS, STARZ
BEHIND BARZ, SHOCKING GAGS, AUTOMOTIVE MANUALS, MILITARY BOOKS,
ITCHING POWDER, STINK BOMBS, HUMOR, CELL PHONE SIGNAL BOOSTERS.

A 6th grade teacher posed the following problem to one of her Arithmetic
classes:

"Okay, class, who can give me the answer to this problem? A wealthy man dies
and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth
is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now,
what does each person get?"

Pencils were flying as the class started to figure out the math problem.
After a very long silence in the classroom, and still no one had the answer,
one little boy raises his hand and with complete sincerity in his voice,
answers. . .

2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon
went 25 minutes over time.

4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month
I used to send to TV evangelists.

5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the
Junior High Sunday School class.

6. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's
pay our pastor so he can live like we do.

9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar
in the Bahamas.

10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment
like our annual stewardship campaign!

Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had
successfully slipped into the U.S. The first spy starts
speaking in Arabic.

Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're in your
casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what
would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a
fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher
and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Three boys were heading home from school one day, when one started the
time-honored game of paternal one-upmanship. He said, "My dad's way
faster than any of yours, he can throw a 90-mph fastball from the
pitcher's mound and run and catch it just after it crosses the plate."

One of the other boys said, "Oh yeah? Well, my dad can shoot an arrow
from his bow and run to the target and hold it up."

The last boy said, "Your dads don't even come close to being faster
than mine. My dad works for the government and, even though he works every
day until four o'clock, he gets home at three-thirty!"

In an upscale department store, every night at closing time one of
our customer-service representatives reminds shoppers over the public
address system to finish their shopping.

One evening, a woman who had recently worked at K-Mart opened the
announcement by saying, "Attention K-Mart shoppers..."

Quickly realizing her mistake, she tap-danced her way out of trouble
by adding, "... you are in the wrong store."

There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being
so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference.
After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datsun 240-Z was the car
to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to
buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".

The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me
roaring past to know who's driving."

Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car
to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.

The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily
down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming
by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"

Caller: I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please.
Operator: I'm sorry, there's no such listing. Are you sure you have
thespelling correct? Caller : Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish
Bar but the B fell off.

Caller: I'd like the number of the Scottish knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: I can't find a town called 'Woven'? Are you sure?
Caller: Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.

Caller: I'd like the RSPCA please.
Operator: Where are you calling from?
Caller: The living room.

Caller: The water board please.
Operator: Which department?
Caller: Tap water

Caller: I'd like the number for a Reverend in Cardiff, please.
Operator: Do you have his name?
Caller: No, but he has a dog named Ben.

Caller: The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators please.
Operator: You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers?
Caller: Yes.

"I know that smart-alec Tex," said the first. "The boy's going to start
bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back."

"Nah... not Tex," said the second. "He'll always be just a good ole boy.
When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello."

"I know Tex better than any of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll
figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now!"

Sure enough, Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi,
partners!"

When our dryer broke, my husband set to work. He
found the problem quickly and, since he needed to
replace the belt, decided to repair a cracked knob and
a broken hinge too.

Upon arrival at the Sears parts counter, he said he
needed a belt, knob, hinge, and a crescent-shaped wire
he'd found inside the dryer. He didn't know where it
belonged, but he confidently assured the clerk that
he could figure it out once he got into the job.

"I have the other parts," the clerk said, "but for the
wire you have to go to Lingerie. This is an underwire
from your wife's bra."

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