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Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home! A Florida man was found
dead in his home over the weekend. Oh, my!

 

Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had
been filled with milk, sugar, and corn flakes. He had been bludgeoned with a
box of Sugar Smacks!

 

Police suspect a cereal killer.

 

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An insurance office reports that they have an answering machine that
instructs their after-hours callers to leave their name, address, and phone
number, and to spell any difficult words.

 

Early one Monday when the office secretary was reviewing the weekend
messages, she heard an enthusiastic young woman recite her name and address
and then confidently offer...

 

    "My difficult word is reconciliation."

 

   "R-E-C-O-N-C-I-L-I-A-T-I-O-N."

 

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A Sunday School teacher asked her class,
"Does anyone know what we mean by sins of omission?"

 

A small girl replied, "Aren't those the sins we should
have committed, but didn't?"

 

Dianne

 

A blind man with his seeing eye dog walks into a neighborhood bar.

 

The blind man picks up the dog and swings it around and around over his
head. Over and over again he repeats this.

 

The bartender runs up to him and asks,

 

"Hey, man, what on earth do you think you're doing there buddy?"

 

The blind man calmly replies....

 

"Why I'm just looking around."

 

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Really Good Hints for the Inexperienced Traveler:

 

- Be very suspicious if the advertised price of a Caribbean cruise includes
   the phrase "Free Ammo."

 

- Consider carefully before visiting a country where the license
   plate motto is Die American Pig.

 

* There is no legitimate reason for a travel agent to need to know if you
    have experience in jungle warfare.

 

* If you find yourself in Iran, do not use the word blanket head.

 

* On a trip to Canada, your travel agent should not charge you for an
interpreter.

 

* Most travel agents seldom offer " The City of Virgins " tour.

 

* While in the Vatican, do not refer to St. Peter as "Petey-Boy."

 

*  Taking snap shots at a nude SPA is generally not appreciated.

 

* Do not board a cruise ship if passengers are being issued oars.

 

* Avoid any Latin American Tour named Bay of Pigs, Two.

 

*  When in Rome be sure to see the " Apron Emporium " (paid ad )

 

*  Do not ask for directions to a Kosher resturant when in Syria.

 

* In South America, say no to anyone wanting you to deliver a suitcase of
   powdered sugar to their grandmother in Miami.

 

* If you enjoy beaches and surfing make Wyoming your second choice.

 

*  There are many prison islands that welcome long term guests.

 

* When visiting New York City be sure and see the " Apron Emporium " ( paid
ad )

 

* Travel Tip : Avoid Sudan in the summer.( or winter )

 

* Buying cut rate first class tickets from a guy near an airport is not a
good idea.

 

* Legitimate travel agents do not dress in foreign military uniforms.

 

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The Non Bill of Rights

 

"We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone
get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our
nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt
free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby
try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for
the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberal
bed-wetters.

 

We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are
confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of
NON-RIGHTS.

 

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any
other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but
no one is guaranteeing anything.

 

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is
based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You
may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but
the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

 

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a
screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful,do not expect the tool
manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

 

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans
are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in
need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after
generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the
creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

 

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be
nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in
public health care.

 

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If
you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if
the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

 

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you
rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be
surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where
you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of
leisure.

 

ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to
have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you
to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training
laid before you to make yourself useful.

 

ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means
that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot
easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created
by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

 

ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are
from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came
from!

 

ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or
heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet,
you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith
at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of
our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it,
TOUGH!

 

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