She Sells C Cells By The Sea Shore!

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

When my son joined the Marines Corps, his cousin was already an Army
officer. The two were home on leave at the same time, and had a wonderful
time exchanging stories. But after hearing one Marine joke too many, my son
finally chastised his cousin with: "Man, haven't you learned what ARMY
stands for?"

 

"No, what?"

 

"Ain't Ready for the Marines Yet."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
"I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't
write, and they won't let me talk!"

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her
husband, "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I
was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?"

 

The hubby replied, "Yes, honey, that was the happiest
hour of my life."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"King David used to be a hero of mine, but not anymore," little Brodie told
his mother after church one Sunday.

 

"Why not, son?"

 

"I learned today that he killed the Jolly Green Giant."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Upon arriving home with their new purchase, the couple set up a clock that
had belonged to the late President Truman. After tinkering with it for a
while, the wife sat back and looked despondently at her husband.

 

"It may be beautiful," she said, "but now I know why he was late."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

There were three country churches in a small Texas town:
the Presbyterian church,  the Methodist church and
the Catholic church.

 

Each church was virtually overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what   to do
about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration
they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be they  there and
shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

 

The Methodist group got together and decided that they were
not in a position to harm any of God's creations, so they
humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles
outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

 

It was only the Catholics who were able to come up with the best and most
effective solution.  They baptized the squirrels and registered them as
members of the church.  Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his
lawyer.

 

"If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."

 

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

 

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

 

"Oh no!  This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior.  A stunt like that
would prejudice him against you.  He might even hold you in contempt of
court.  In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."

 

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the
defendant.

 

As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the
tip about the cigars.  It worked!"

 

"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."

 

"But I did send them."

 

"What??  You did???"

 

"Yes.  That's how we won the case."

 

"I don't understand," said the lawyer.

 

"It's easy.  I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's
business card."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

A Rabbi was walking home from the Temple and saw one of his good friends, a
pious and learned man who could usually beat the rabbi in religious arguments.

 

The rabbi started walking faster so that he could catch up to his friend,
when he was horrified to see his friend go into a Chinese restaurant (not a
kosher one). Standing at the door, he observed his friend talking to a
waiter and gesturing at a menu. A short time later, the waiter reappeared
carrying a platter full of spare ribs, shrimp in lobster sauce, crab rangoon
and other treif that the Rabbi could not bear to think about.

 

As his friend picked up the chopsticks and began to eat this food, the Rabbi
burst into the restaurant and reproached his friend, for he could take it no
longer. "Morris, what is this you are doing? I saw you come into this
restaurant, order this filth and now you are eating it in violation of
everything we are taught about the dietary laws and with an apparent
enjoyment that does not befit your pious reputation!"

 

Morris replied, "Rabbi, did you see me enter this restaurant?" (Rabbi nods
yes) "Did you see me order this meal?" (again he nods yes) "Did you see the
waiter bring me this food?" (again he nods yes) "And did you see me eat it?"
(nods yes)

 

"Then, Rabbi, I don't see the problem here. The entire meal
was done under Rabbinical supervision!"

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

A new miracle doctor had just arrived in town.  He could cure anything and
anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr.
Thompson, the town skeptic.

 

Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he
wasn't anybody special.  When it was time for his appointment he told the
doctor,

 

"Hey, doc, I've lost my sense of taste.  I can't taste nothin', so what are
ya goin' to do?"

 

The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr.
Thompson,

 

"What you need is jar number 47."

 

So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to taste
it.

 

He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!" he yelled.

 

"Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr.  Thompson," said the
doctor.

 

So Mr. Thompson went home.... very mad.

 

One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the doctor and try once
again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem.

 

"Doc," he started, "I can't remember anything!"

 

Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched
his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson,

 

"What you need is jar number 47, it's......"

 

But before the doctor could finish his sentence, lo and beold! Immediately
Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the room!

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard.

 

Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.  He did the right
thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red
light by accelerating through the intersection.

 

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as
she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him.  Grrrrr!!

 

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up
into the face of a very serious police officer.

 

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.  He took her to
the polic station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and
placed in a cell. If the woman was mad a few minutes ago, she was absolutely
furious now!

 

After a couple of hours in a cell, a policeman approached her cell and
opened the door.  She was escorted back to the booking desk where the
arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

 

He said, "Look, I'm very sorry for this mistake.  You see, I pulled up
behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in
front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.  I noticed the 'Choose Life'
license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the 'Follow
Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker and the chrome-plated Christian fish
emblem on the trunk.

 

  Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~30