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A Rabbi was walking home from the Temple and saw one of
his good friends, a
pious and learned man who could usually beat the rabbi in religious arguments. The rabbi started walking faster so that he could catch up to his friend when he was horrified to see his friend go into a Chinese restaurant (not a kosher one). Standing at the door, he observed his friend talking to a waiter and gesturing at a menu. A short time later, the waiter reappeared carrying a platter full of spare ribs, shrimp in lobster sauce, crab rangoon and other treif that the Rabbi could not bear to think about. As his friend picked up the chopsticks and began to eat this food, the Rabbi burst into the restaurant and reproached his friend, for he could take it no longer. "Morris, what is this you are doing? I saw you come into this restaurant, order this filth and now you are eating it in violation of everything we are taught about the dietary laws and with an apparent enjoyment that does not befit your pious reputation!" Morris replied, "Rabbi, did you see me enter this restaurant?" (Rabbi nods yes). "Did you see me order this meal?" (Again he nods yes). "Did you see the waiter bring me this food?" (Again he nods yes). "And did you see me eat it?" (Nods yes). "Then, Rabbi, I don't see the problem here. The entire meal was done under Rabbinical supervision!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How many MicroSoft tech support people dies it take to
change a light
bulb? A: Four: One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?" One to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?" Another to ask "Have you tried reinstalling it?" And the last one to say "It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine..." Q: How many MicroSoft technicians does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to hammer the bulb into a faucet. Q: How many MicroSoft vice presidents does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Eight. One to work the bulb, and seven to make sure that MicroSoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world. Q: How many MicroSoft testers does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: We just determine that the room is dark; we don't actually change the bulb. Since we have a dead-bulb result on file from a previous test, rest assured that Development is working on a bug fix. Q: How many MicroSoft shipping department personnel does
it take to change a
light bulb? A: We can change the bulb in 7 to 10 working days. If you call before 2PM, and pay an extra $15, we can get the bulb changed overnight. Don't forget to put your name in the upper right hand corner of the light bulb box. Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: One. But he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy as it would be for a Mac user. Q: How many MicroSoft managers does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to determine what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder. Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed. Q: How does Bill Gates change a light bulb?
A: He holds the bulb in place and lets the world revolve around him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As I was dropping my son off at daycare the other day, I
overheard some of
the children talking about their siblings. "My brother takes karate lessons," bragged one. "My sister takes gymnastics," said another. Not to be outdone, the youngest piped up, "My sister takes antibiotics!" ----------------------------------------------- For many years I worked as a receptionist and switchboard operator at a busy company. After a good annual review, my supervisor told me I was up for a raise, pending approval of the vice president. A month later, my supervisor called me into his office and told me the VP had refused to approve the raise. His reason? I clearly wasn't doing my job. Every time he saw me, I was either chatting with someone in the lobby or talking on the phone. --------------------------------- Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village. "What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant. "All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered dump, or by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms for a short spell." ---------------------------------------- Little Mary was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony. When it was over, she asked her mother, "Why did the lady change her mind?" Her mother asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another one." ------------------------------------ A man goes into this local place where bricks and cement blocks are sold, and orders 20,000 bricks. "May I ask what you're building?" asks the man behind the counter. "Yeah, it's going to be a barbecue." "Damn! That's a lot of bricks for one barbecue," "Not really; you have to consider that I live on the 18th floor." ---------------------------------- An extremely wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal. "Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend. "Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My aunt's neighbor in New York had a beautiful black cat,
named Felix, who
spent his days outside and came indoors at night. One cool October evening, he disappeared. The neighbor searched for him in vain for several days. The following spring,, however, Felix reappeared, looking healthy and clean. She figured he's been out sowing his wild oats. Everything was back to normal until that autumn, when Felix disappeared again. The next spring, he returned. Perplexed, my aunt's friend began asking neighbors for clues. Finally, she rang the bell of an older couple who lived down the street. "A black cat?" the woman said. "Oh, yes! My husband and I hated to see him out in the cold, so we bought a cat carrier. We take him to Florida with us every winter." --------------------------------------------- Three guys were joining the Army. One was an Italian, one was an Irishman, and one was Polish. They are standing in line to get their issued clothes and underwear. They reach the guy who is handing out the underwear and he asks the Italian guy, "How many pair of underwear do you want?" The Italian guy answers, "I'll have 7 pair...one for each day of the week." So the guy gives him his 7 pair and he moves on. Next comes the Irishman and he asks, "How many pair of underwear do you want?" The Irishman answers, " I'll have 6 pair...one for each day of the week, and I'll wear the same ones on Sunday, that I wore on Saturday." So the guy says ok and hands him his 6 pair and moves on. Last comes the Polish guy and he asks, " Alright, how many pair of underwear do you want?" The Polish guys answers, " I'll take 12 pair." This surprises the guy and he shouts, "12 pair! What the heck do you need 12 pair of underwear for?" The Polish guy says, " Yes,12 pair. One for each month of the year!" ---------------------------------------- A Pole, Brit and American rob a bank. Afterwards, they hide in different trees. The cops go to the American tree and ask "Who's up there?" The American says "Tweet Tweet." The cops say, "Oh, just a bird." They go to the British blokes tree and say, "Who's up there?" The Brit says "Meow meow." "Oh, that's just a cat", says the cops. So they go up to the Polish guys tree and say, "Who's up there?" The Polish guy says "Moooooo!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of
a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop . The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to
come take a look
at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question? The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the
mechanic was working
on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out,repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks,when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over,
and whispered to the
mechanic.. "Try doing it with the engine running ." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the
rascally behavior
that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth
for
a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5%
are not."
God thought for a moment and said,
"Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get
another opinion."
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a
time too.
When this second angel returned he went to God and
said,
"Yes, it's true! The Earth is in decline; 95% are
misbehaving, but... 5% are
being good." God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that
were good, because
He wanted to encourage them, you know...give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what the E-mail said?
Just wondering, I didn't get one either.............. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~30
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