Christmas Break was over and the teacher was asking the class about their
vacations.  She turned to little Bobby and asked what he did over the break.

 

"We visited my grandmother in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania," he replied.

 

"Oh, that was nice!  You know Bobby, that sounds like an excellent
vocabulary word," the teacher said.  "Can you tell the class how you spell
that?"

 

Little Bobby thought about it and said,

 

        "You know, come to think of it, we just went to Ohio."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"I need some duck tape.....

 

       my duck has a quack in it."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

While walking on a winter day
I saw a cheery sight--
A snowman that some children built
And dressed in costume bright.

 

On the hill behind the snowman
I spied the well-worn track
Where children rode sleds swiftly down
And slowly towed them back.

 

I smiled and found my heart was warmed--
"Twas comforting to know
That in this day of high-tech toys...
Kids still play in the snow!

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

On many U.S. Navy ships the movie screen is suspended amid-ship so
that it can be viewed from both sides. This procedure makes it
available to larger crowds at popular movies, but usually the junior
officers get a reverse image from 'the wrong side of the screen.'

 

One evening at dinnertime an enterprising young ensign passed the
following word over the officers' IMC circuit: "The movie to be shown
in the wardroom tonight for the senior officers is on the right side
of the screen - The Right-Handed Gun, starring Paul Newman."

 

"For the junior officers on the wrong side of the screen - The
Left-Handed Gun, starring Namwen Luap."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Jlona: Our (Alaska) state insect is the dragonfly.

 

Mary: What happened to the mosquito?

 

Jlona: Well....you know, the mosquito couldn't be called the state insect,
would be against labor laws up here.  See, the little ones are left to feed
on the tourists, moose, caribou and an occasional local yokel, but, the big
ones, the REALLy BIG ones, they have their own union and they are up on the
north slope...drilling oil wells...
so we couldn't use them for the state insect, would make all the other union
folk sqawk!!!!

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years.  Upon her
return, her father cussed her, "Where have you been all this time, you
ingrate!  Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you
were doing?  Why didn't you call?  You little tramp! Don't you know what you
put your Mum through?"

 

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff...Dad... I became a prostitute..."

 

"WHAT? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this
family - I don't want to see you again!"

 

"OK, Dad - as you wish.  I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat,
title deeds to a ten bed-room mansion, plus a savings account certificate
for ??5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy
the spanking new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside
plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)---an
invitation for you all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the
Riviera, and..."

 

"Now what was it you said you had become?"

 

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff ... A Prostitute Dad, ... sniff, sniff."

 

"Oh! Be Jesus! - You scared me half to death, girl!  I thought you said a
Protestant!!!  Come here and give your old man a hug."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

You Are A Bad Cook If...

 

The last time you tried to make toast the
    kitchen caught on fire

 

Your apple pie bubbled over and ate the
    enamel off the bottom of the oven.

 

You make tuna noodle broccoli surprise for
    your family and the surprise is that it glows in the
    dark!

 

Your homemade bread can be used as a door stop.

 

The leftover crumbs make a great replacement for
     kitty litter.

 

Those annoying pest control companies keep pestering
    you, wanting to buy and patent your recipe for candy
    Christmas cookies.

 

You forget and leave a gallon of your homemade ice
    cream on the porch overnight during a record busting
    heat- and the next afternoon, not only is it still solid,
    but it tastes better.

 

You hate rice, but you keep finding it floating around in
    your beef stew.

 

Your kids know what exactly peas porridge in a crockpot
    nine days old tastes like.

 

The EPA requires that all your garbage cans be marked
    with large bright red 'biohazard' symbols.

 

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