Greetings, Ripplemakers

Wasted Years
by
Margo Fallis

 Today we buried my father. There weren??™t many tears shed. My father was a grouchy, selfish, belligerent man. As we stood around the gravesite, all I could think about was that it was finally over. All the tears would stop. My mother could enjoy the rest of her life in peace, as she??™d pleaded for so many times during her life. After the services we went back to the house. When we walked in the door, it seemed like this huge weight had been lifted off us. My brothers and sister left that afternoon. They??™d come a long distance for the funeral and needed to get home. I stayed withMom. 

 That night I fixed both of us some hot cocoa and sat on the couch next to her. ???Mom, what happened to Dad? Why was he so mean????

 Mom looked at me. A tear dripped from the corner of her eye and trickled down her cheek. ???It??™s my fault. I never really loved your father, at least not in the way he wanted or needed me to. It was a mistake to marry him in the first place,??? she sobbed.

 ???Then why did you???? I asked.

 ???It??™s a long story.???

 ???I??™d like to hear it, Mom.??? I knew these feelings had been bottled up inside of her for all these years and if she wanted to heal completely, she needed to talk about it.

 She put her cup of cocoa down on the coffee table and took my hand in hers. ???Your grandpa, my father, joined the Royal Navy when he was seventeen years old. This was during World War I. His oldest brother had been killed at the Battle of the Somme and I suppose my father felt obligated to revenge his brother??™s death. They put him on the ???Corry Roy???, which was a tugboat that had been converted into a naval ship. It was fitted with guns and sent out to sink submarines in the North Sea.???

 ???I didn??™t know that, Mom. What does this have to do with my dad???? I wondered.

 ???I told you it was a long story. Be patient. Since my father was so young, he was of low ranking. He served on the ship with several English officers and one other Scotsman. A German submarine surfaced not far away and before they could get to the guns, it shot down away every man on the Corry Roy except my father and one of the English officers. Though he was a low ranking officer, he was still a higher rank than your grandfather. Dad raced up to the guns, at a great risk to his life, and shot the submarine up, sinking it. It was a victory for the British!???

 ???Wow, Mom, that??™s exciting. Grandpa was a hero!??? Pride filled my heart.

 ???The problem is that the English officer took credit for the whole thing, even though he had nothing to do with it. He was the highest ranking officer and got all the glory, and the medals,??? Mom sighed.

 ???Oh. That doesn??™t seem right. What did Grandpa do????

 ???Learned to hate Englishmen. He never got over the fact that an Englishman took all the credit. Dad was never acknowledged in any way. Even when the officer was being presented his medal, he never offered it to Dad, or mentioned his name. He took all the glory. Your grandfather never forgot that.???

 ???That??™s the way it is in the Royal Navy, or any navy, isn??™t it, Mom? The highest ranking officer gets credit????

 ???Yes, but your grandfather didn??™t agree. He hated the English from that day on. Years passed, Grandpa got married and had a family. We were a happy family most of the time. When I was in my late teens I met the love of my life. He was wonderful. He was kind, gentle, giving, honest, and very handsome.???

 ???You??™re not talking about Dad, are you???? I frowned.

 ???No. Peter was from Yorkshire. I took him to meet the family. Mom took to him right away, but Dad hated him and do you know why???? Mom scowled.

 ???No, Mom, why did he?

 ???Because Peter was an Englishman. My father forbid me to see him again and rudely chased Peter away. I never saw him again. I was devastated. I loved Peter. He was everything I wanted. I resented my father for intruding in my life, but that??™s the way it was done in those days. I didn??™t dare stand up to him,??? Mom cried. She had a vacant, sad look in her eyes and in her heart.

 ???Wasn??™t this a long time after the war???? I asked. ???It must have been during World War II when this happened. That was twenty something years later.???

 ???It didn??™t matter. The hatred in your grandfather??™s heart was strong and stayed there until he died. He was a foolish man sometimes. A year or so later he brought a young man over to the house. It seems he and the young man??™s mother had arranged a marriage between the two of us. I had no say in the matter. It didn??™t matter if I loved him or not. It was already planned and as I said, I didn??™t dare stand up to my father. Two weeks after our first meeting, I married your father.???

 ???Oh, Mom. I??™m so sorry. I didn??™t know.??? I wrapped my arms around her and held her as she cried. They were tears of heart wrenching agony and anger. It was as if she was crying fifty year??™s worth of pain and resentment away.

 After settling down a bit, Mom continued, ???I tried to love your father, but I couldn??™t. He wasn??™t suited to me. We had nothing in common and besides that, as foolish as it sounds,   my heart always belonged to Peter. I??™m afraid I didn??™t try to love your father. I??™m sure that the way I treated him helped turn him into that mean, cruel man that he was before he died. I just couldn??™t return his love, no matter what. Even after we had children, I still felt that way. I thought if we moved to America and left Scotland behind us, I would be able to love him, but it didn??™t help.???

 Mom cried uncontrollably, feeling guilt for years worth of misery she must have caused my father. I held her and didn??™t utter a word. I thought about my father and the way he was. I??™d never felt much love for the man. Maybe I??™d sensed my mother??™s feelings and followed her example. Suddenly I realized that maybe he had been a good man deep down inside, but felt hurt and rejected and had acted out because of it. I had judged him too harshly. Living in a marriage where you knew you weren??™t loved, just tolerated, had taken its toll on him. My heart felt heavy, feeling a great loss. Perhaps if I??™d been kinder to him and given him the love he??™d so desperately needed and sought, things would have been different.

 A week later I visited my father??™s grave. His headstone had just been placed on the grave. I knelt down and placed a bouquet of daffodils on top. I remembered my dad saying he loved daffodils because they reminded him of Scotland. I started thinking of other good things he??™d done and fun times I??™d had with him when I was a child. The happy memories started to replace the bad ones. I must have buried them deep and forgotten them. ???Dad, I??™m so sorry. I didn??™t know. If I had, things would have been different. I wish I could have another chance to love you and let you know someone cared. When I think about you feeling unloved your entire life??¦Oh, Dad, I??™m so sorry.??? I collapsed on his grave. Sobs racked my body.

  I don??™t know how long I had been lying there when this feeling came over me. It seeped through my fingers and went down my entire body to my toes. I tingled all over and felt a calming peace. I heard my father in my heart, telling me that he forgave me and understood why things happened the way they did. He told me it wasn??™t my fault and not to dwell on it. The last words I heard were whispers of, ???Tell your mother I love her and always have. Tell her not to be sad and to enjoy her life. Tell her that Peter is here with me and we??™re friends.??? Then all went quiet.

 I sat up and looked at my father??™s grave. I was filled with love for my father. I ran my fingers over his name on the headstone. ???I love you, Dad.???  I walked back to the car, stopping as I opened the door. I turned and took another glance at the gravesite. ???Goodbye, Dad.??? I blew him a kiss and drove away.

 When I told my mother what had happened, she smiled through her tears. ???In a way, part of me did love him, you know.???

 ???I know, Mom. I know.???

Mom went on with her life and I with mine.

 I fell in love with a wonderful man. After the wedding ceremony, Mom hugged me. ???Take good care of your husband. Don??™t waste any time being angry. Let your Englishman know every day that you love him.???

 ???I will, Mom,??? I wept. Dad and Peter were there that day, so was my grandfather. I knew they all gave their blessing to our marriage. Years worth of hatred was finally over and years worth of love were yet to come. 

?© 2003 Margo Fallis
margofallis@yahoo.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
May you be blessed today.
Bob Johnston
Editor / Publisher

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