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Now I??™m
a non-person. I don't want to be! It wasn't my choice, but
i've been regulated to that status by someone else. Anyway,
I??™m not going to just roll over and accept it. I??™m just not
built that way. Let me tell you about it.
I
belong to the Arlington Sportsman's Club and have for almost
30 years. Our club just recently installed an electronic
gate. You have to have a key card to open the gate and enter
the club property. To get your key card you have to go to
the club monthly meeting.
Now the
meeting is held in the evening and that means after dark.
With my bad eyesight I don't drive after dark anymore, so I
called the membership secretary, who is responsible for
issuing the key cards, and asked her if I could get my card
mailed to me. She said I could if I would mail her a
self-addressed envelope with forty-nine cents postage on it.
I put two thirty-seven cent stamps on the envelope just to
be safe. No, that's not true. I put two thirty-seven cent
stamps on it because that's the only kind of stamps I had.
Ok.
Problem solved. Not so fast. Do you know that old rule about
if anything can go wrong, it surely will? Well it did! I
waited for my key card and I waited and I waited. Finally
after a month, my self-addressed envelope with two
thirty-seven cent stamps on it showed up in my mailbox.
Boy, I though, it sure did take her a long time to mail me
my key card. Now I can get into the club property. But when
I opened the envelope, all it had in it was a note that
said;
I can
find no record that you are a dues paying member of this
club. For this I paid seventy-four cents in stamps!
Well I
snatched up the phone and dialed the membership secretary's
number. When she answered I yelled, "Who are you to say I??™m
not a member of the Arlington Sportsman's Club?" She hung
up! Ok, so maybe I was a little excited.
I
dialed her number again and when she answered I said, "Hi,
this is loren and I just got your note that said I??™m not a
member of the Arlington Sportsman's Club."
"Loren
who?" She wanted to know.
"Oh,
I??™m sorry, Loren Moore. I sent a self addressed envelope to
have my key card mailed to me." She told me to hold on for a
minute so she could get over to her desk where her
membership records where.
Well I
waited again, seems like I have been doing a lot of that
lately. When she picked up the phone again, she said had
checked her dues list and couldn't find my name. She wanted
to know when was the last time I paid my dues.
"Well
the last year I paid dues was 1980."
"Well"
she said "that means you are no longer a member of this
club."
"No,
wait. Don't hang up. Let me explain. You see I was president
of the club in 1980 and past presidents are given a lifetime
membership in the club without having to pay dues."
"Well
Mr. Moore, I've only been in the club since 2000 and I don't
know anything about that. I was told not to issue anyone a
key card unless their dues were paid up to date. As far as
I??™m concerned that means unless your name is on my dues list
you don't get a key card."
That's
when I came unwounded. I said, "Lady, (I said ???lady??™ to keep
from saying something worse) - ???Lady I joined this club in
1975. I was on the board of directors for several years. I
was voted sportsman of the year in 1979. I was president in
1980. At present I??™m the club historian. My name and
telephone number is on the back of our monthly news letter.
I??™m sitting here in my office now and the walls are covered
with sportsman of the month plaques. There are dozens of
trophies for skeet, rifle and pistol matches. There are
trophies I won in our big game hunting and fishing contest.
Now your telling me that you are not going to issue me a key
card to get into my club property. Even though I own a share
of that property? Lady, what do I have to do to get a key
card?"
She
said, "Pay your dues."
This
time I hung up. I could see that this minor bureaucrat was
not the one to deal with to solve this problem. I called the
president of the club. When he answered, I said,
"I need
your help."
"Who is
this?" He wanted to know.
"This
is non-person Loren Moore."
He
laughed and asked what he could do to help me. I told him
about my conversation with the membership secretary and he
laughed so hard that he dropped the Phone.
"You'll
be laughing out the other side of your face one of these
days when it happens to you because you no longer pay dues."
"OK" he
said, "I'll see that you get your key card. But you have to
send a self addressed envelope with forty-nine cents postage
on it to the membership secretary for her to mail you your
card."
What I
told him is a whole ???nother story for a different time. An
"x" rated story.
[?© copy
right 2003]
Loren Moore
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